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Ruling the Roost-Emmagans Diaries

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 

I'll be using this thread to post Emmagans many diary entries. She has many stories to tell, so I will post them here in the order they were written. Hope this is okay

Feel free to make comments, enchiladas, throw rocks, or run me out of town. Whatever you feel is necessary, though I'm voting for the enchiladas. Yummmm.

Yeah, I'm lazy. I didn't change the intro at all, it's the same as Lucivars just with name changes
post #2 of 7
Thread Starter 
Don't believe a word my brother says about me. It's all untrue, Lies evil lies! He's just trying to make himself look like the good guy. In all truth, I'm the perfect one and he's a lowly peasant and OMG my tail is after me *runs in circles and finally falls over*. Oh, hi! I was just....oh never mind.
post #3 of 7
Thread Starter 
The petite tiger prowls amongst the shadows on her perilous journey. She swiftly makes her way up the side of the yellow canvas mountain and approaches the extinguished fire pit cautiously. She purrs in anticipation of her spoils and briefly scans the horizon for signs of trouble. All is clear, so she edges closer to the fire pit and peers inside. The loot, which she has come so far to find, gleams in the bright light and beckons her closer. With a quick twitch of her mighty paw, she snatches a gem from the top of the pile. She is not greedy; she will leave the rest for another adventurer. She secrets away the goods within her mouth and begins her journey back down the mountain. At the bottom, she senses danger and freezes in the hope that she will not be noticed.

Mom: Moggie, what are you doing? My kitten misbehavior senses are tingling. Why did you have your fuzzy little face jammed into the candle holder? What’s in that thing?

The tiger, knowing she has been caught, makes a last ditch effort to get away with her ill-gotten goods. She glances left and then right and then quickly makes a break for the darkened cavern directly behind her accuser.

Mom: Emmagan, what the…..You have a piece of Bubble Gum in your mouth, get back here right now. That’s not yours….

The tiger dodges her accuser skillfully, but she is getting tired and she knows the end will arrive swiftly.

Mom: Ewwww, are you seriously sucking on the gum through the wrapper? Give me that, you little thief.

The tiger, relieved of her most prized possession, hangs her head in shame and exposes her belly in defeat.

Mom: Mog, I’m sorry but you don’t need Bubble Gum. Ohhh, that’s a good girl. You want your tummy rubbed *scritch scritch scritch*. That’s my sweety, now be good okay.

The tiger, humiliated, is now more determined than ever to regain her prize. The Beastly accuser turns away, and Emmagan begins her quest anew.

No Gum shall ever be safe in this house.
post #4 of 7
Thread Starter 
Moggie: Lucivar, guess what?

Luce: I don’t think I want to.

Moggie: I’m gonna be a Queen!

Luce: Mmm, how do you figure?

Moggie: Mom took me to that place that stinks of dog and asked to make me Queen of Spade! You know, like the card!

Luce: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh, Oh…..Please tell me you are joking.

Moggie: How dare you laugh at Emmagan, Queen of Spade!

Luce: Mog, I hate to be the one to tell you but “Spade†isn’t what you think it is. Mom took you to get s-p-a-y-e-d not spade.

Moggie: So spelling isn’t my strong point, I’m sure it means the same thing.

Luce: You keep on believing that, it just gives me more comedic material with which to mock you.

Moggie: I think you are just jealous.

Luce: Okay, then where did those stitches on your tummy come from?

Moggie: Those are Snitches. Every Queen must have some to rule effectively. They let me know what the rabble, I mean my people, have been doing. That way I can squash any treasonous actions before they become a problem.

Luce: Uh huh. And what is the giant plastic disk around your head used for, your Majesty?

Moggie: That’s my interim Crown of course. The nice one is being cleaned for my coronation.

Luce: Oh, of course. Silly question.

Moggie: Leave me. I must inspect my new kingdom. I have wasted far too much time as it is. They may be plotting to overthrow me as we speak.

Luce: Shouldn’t you be on painkillers or some other mind altering drug?

Moggie: Oh, I am…I am. They wouldn’t dare let the Queen suffer.

Luce: That explains so much. I’ll leave you to your delusions now.

Moggie: Guards! Guards! Fetch me my throne, I wish to have a rest! Guards…..?
post #5 of 7
Thread Starter 
Emmagan, Queen of Spayed

Official Edict

All Human Rules of Apartment are Hereby Repealed.
Long Live the Queen

Rabble (no) Peasants (no) Stinking Hordes (no)

Dearest Worshippers(that works),

You are finally free from human oppression! We are about to embark upon a golden age together, The Age of Mog! The Spayed Monarchy has finally been restored to power. Let us rejoice!

That has been enough rejoicing, let us move on.

New Laws Effective Immediately and How They Apply to You.

The new laws will apply to you. No one is exempt. The Queen is exempt.

All carpets occupying space in The Kingdom of Spayed Cat shall be removed forthwith. They shall be replaced with catnip grass.

No one shall, under any circumstances, be within 5 feet of the Queen. It’s called personal space people.

The furless humans are to withdraw from the bed immediately. This will become the Queens private resting space.

The Queen will require daily worshipping sessions. These are mandatory and will take place at the foot of the Queens private resting area. Those found not to be in attendance will be required to surrender all worldly goods to the Queen immediately. Any further infractions will be dealt with swiftly and in a violent manner.

The Queen requires fresh water at all times. All faucets will be allowed to drip. Those found drinking from the Queens fountains or trying to squelch the drip will be promptly slapped into tomorrow. Once the Queen arrives at tomorrow, the offender will be dealt with swiftly and violently.

The Queen requires daily “donations†from all of those that reside within the borders of The Kingdom of Spayed Cat. These donations are payable in bubblegum and cheese. Those that fail to, or are unable to, make these daily donations will be forgiven. Once. The Queen will also require a donation of your first born child for this infraction. The Queen will then spoil your child hopelessly, turn it into a raging brat, and then send it back home for you to deal with. It is in your best interest to assure the Queens coffers are perpetually full of bubblegum and cheese.

The Queen does not smell, bad or otherwise. The Queen is perfectly scentless. Those who continue to make disparaging remarks about “the gassy kitten†will be mauled in their sleep. Lucivar may smell bad, but the Queen does not.

Lucivar: I resent that.

Resentment directed towards the Queen is not allowed. From this day forward, resentment is banished from the Kingdom of Spayed Cat.

Never attempt to pick up or hold the Queen. That sort of behavior is beneath her and she will personally punish the offenders. Offenders will be bitten, scratched, and yowled at. They will then be kicked in the face and used as a queenly springboard to facilitate her escape. The Queen will instruct her guards to empty the High Courts litter box into the backseat of your vehicle.

The Queen demands pizza once a week. This feast shall be provided by the giant hairless ones. Vegetarian pizza is never acceptable. The Queen will enjoy milk and cookies for dessert.

The Queen will certainly impose new laws whenever she feels like it. Stop complaining.

The Queen will issue further edicts in the future.
We suggest you check the bulletin board every hour.
All Hail The Queen
post #6 of 7
Thread Starter 
It was a beautiful day out on the High Sea. The skies were clear and the scent of briny water was tinged with lavender. It is here, on board a mighty oceanic vessel, that we meet our players.

Pirate Captain: Hi Ho Hi Ho, Matey. Get to Swabbing the deck or you’ll be swimming with the fishes!

1st Mate: It’s not Hi Ho Cap’n Mog, that’s the mating call of the evasive 7th Dwarf. I think the phrase you want is…

Pirate Captain: Yarrrr that not be the point Matey! Ho Ho Ho, now get to swabbing.

1st Mate: Ho Ho Ho is actually the battle cry of the Great Red RolyPoly Chimney Sweep. Dear Cap’n, you are not speaking the Pirate Tongue and I am having a terrible time understanding your commands; Regardless of the fact that I continue to lapse into perfect English, it is not a language I speak. I believe you are looking for Yo Ho Ho.

Pirate Captain: Yo Ho Ho, Swab the deck 1st Matey or prepare to take a long walk off a short plank.

1st Mate: I think I caught the gist of that. Right away Cap’n.

Pirate Parrot, Cherished pet of the Cap’n: *Squawk* 1st mate Lucivar smells like butt *Squawk*

1st Mate: Shut up you or I’ll douse you with the sudsy contents of my bucket! That was completely uncalled for, but I can just guess where you learned it from. Cap’n Mog, can we please dispose of that vile feathered beast?

Pirate Captain: Yarrrr, you be asking too much. What is a Pirate if he has not a Parrot? Not a Pirate at all, arr arr arrrrrrr. Besides, he accents me newly carved peg leg quite nicely.

1st Mate: *Sigh*

Pirate Captain: Oh Dear. 1st Mate…..There be far too much water coming into my boat. We must plug up the leaks or it will surely spell our Doom!

Mom: Guys, time to get out of the tub unless you wanna get drenched!

1st Mate: Cap’n Mog! A storm be coming swiftly! I feel it in me bones.

Pirate Captain: Batten down the hatches, prepare for the worst! *Shriek* Ahhhhhhg, I just got splashed, you must continue without me and save the ship!

1st Mate: I won’t let ye drown Cap’n. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh the storm is too much! The great deluge of water has sunk us! *glub glub glub*

Two very angry and sodden kittens hightail it out of the bathroom with a terrycloth parrot and a wooden backscratcher in tow.

Mom: You do this everyday! I would have thought you’d have learned by now! Mom +Shower = Downpour.

Soggy Pirate Captain: Luce, she sunk our battleship.

Drippy 1st Mate: I know Mog, I know. Not to worry, Pirates are resilient and perhaps the debris from our ship will wash ashore. If not, we are doomed to live out the remainder of our lives on this deserted island. Together until the bitter end.

Pirate Captain: *chomp chomp*

1st Mate: Did you just eat your parrot?

Pirate Captain: No, whatever gave you that idea? *cough, spits out a terrycloth feather*

1st Mate: …That’s it, you are beyond creepy. I’m taking off before Mom catches me on the stove or I get eaten.

Cannibalistically Inclined Pirate Captain: Wait; there was very little meat on that thing.

The Pirate Captain remains still and bides her time. It’ll be dark soon.

Lucivar: Stop narrating, Mog.
post #7 of 7
Thread Starter 
Dear Subjects,

I have recently learned some disturbing news from my loyal snitches. It seems that some of my “Loyal†subjects are not quite as loyal as they should be. The subjects in question are questioning my dedication to the general populace. In fact, some have gone so far as to say that I have used my people as a stepping stool to grandeur, a rung in the ladder to my queenly success. I have even heard that some are saying I am nothing but a spoiled princess, an imposter that doesn’t understand the feeling of living on the streets. Well, I am here to quash these denigrating murmurs once and for all. I would like to tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was a momma cat. Momma cat lived on the streets and life was very hard for her. She did the best she could for her kittens, but she was sick and the kittens were frail and hungry. She knew that if she did not act quickly her kittens might fade away. She looked into the newly opened eyes of her babies and she knew she could not let this happen. Momma cat worked very hard to find her new kittens someplace warm and safe to live. Someplace where they would never have to worry about starving or freezing in winter; someplace where they would not have to live a life like hers. Finally, Momma cat had found a place for all of her kittens except for one. The last kitten was the runt of the litter, and was sick just like Momma. Momma cat had already exhausted all of her options finding homes for the other kits. She had nowhere else to turn; this little one would be lost. Momma cat would stay with this little one until the end.

That evening, Momma cat was forced to take her sickly kit and flee the temporary shelter they had found. A storm was blowing in and many people were out making mischief as it was a day of celebration, The 4th of July. Momma cat carried her baby carefully across the roof of a very high apartment building. A safe haven was not to be found, and a gust of wind tore Momma cat’s last kitten from her grip. The kitten held on desperately to the gutter, but Momma cat was unable to reach her to pull her to safety. Her baby was just barely holding on with one paw and she was quickly losing her grip. Momma cat knew this was the end and she cried as she took one last look into her kitten’s eyes and said I’m sorry. The last kitten lost her tenuous grip and plummeted towards the earth far below. Momma cat ran towards the far side of the building to the only safe way down from the roof. She would bury her kitten under the trees.

Back on the other side of the building, a tiny kitten cried for her mother. She had not fallen to her death, but only to the 2nd floor of the apartment building. She was bruised, scared and very alone. She cried out her heartache, loud as thunder. A cry for the only constant she’d known in her short life; her mother. Momma cat was too far away to hear her, but someone else was close enough. The apartment door closest to the kitten opened and a dark haired woman peered out. The woman looked around in confusion until her eyes landed upon the fragile kitten. Oh my goodness, she said, what an enormous noise from such a tiny thing! Are you lost honey? The kitten sensed a kindness about this lady, and nervously approached her. The nice lady picked up the little kitten and checked with the neighbors to see if she was lost. Nobody claimed the tiny girl, this kitten was homeless. “Well,†the nice lady said “it doesn’t look like you have a home and I don’t see a mommy cat or any siblings. Poor sweetheart, it looks like you might be an orphan. Would you like to come inside with me? It’s nice and warm inside and I have food you can have, you sure look like you need it.†So the nice lady took Momma cat’s last kitten into her apartment.

Meanwhile, Momma cat carefully made her way down the side of the apartment building, and once on solid ground, went in search of her fallen kitten. Momma cat reached the spot where her kitten had fallen, but could find no trace of her. After a long, fruitless search through the night, Momma cat finally gave up. She couldn’t even say goodbye. Defeated, Momma cat curled up in the nearby bushes, rested her head on her paws, and cried herself to sleep.

Inside the apartment, mere feet from where Momma cat lay, the little kitten was being cleaned up. “My, you are a dirty little thing. It doesn’t look like you have been getting enough food, you are skin and bones. I’ll have to find you some nourishment after we get you clean. I just bet it feels wonderful to have all of those mats gone, doesn’t it?†The nice lady gave the kitten a bowl of food, but the kitten had a very hard time chewing it. “I guess you are still a little too young for this, I’ll add some water and soften it up for you. We’ll get you something better tomorrow.†For the first time ever, the tiny kitten had a full tummy and a warm place to sleep. The nice lady rubbed the kittens head, while the kit kneaded at her legs and tried to nurse from her hand. “Poor baby, you miss your mommy. I wonder what happened to her.†The kitten meowed sadly, as if to say I miss her terribly, but I’m beginning to love you. The little one looked into the lady’s eyes and silently asked if this could be her new home. Almost as though she had heard, the lady sighed and said “I wish I could keep you little one, but I have three cats already and I cannot afford to care for another. But I think I may know someone who could give you a nice life.

The next day, the nice lady took the kitten to the vet and had her checked out. The kitten was probably 4-5 weeks old, malnourished, and had fleas and worms. Even so, she was already 100 percent better than she had been before the nice lady found her. The kitten would receive plenty of food and the vet sent home medicine to take care of her other problems. True to her word, the nice lady had found the kitten a home. The kitten would be going to live with the nice lady’s best friend and her 3 month old boy kitty. The kitten was terrified. What if this new person was mean or didn’t like her? What if she put the kitten back outside, then she would be all alone. Her fears were put to rest the very next day. The nice lady’s friend came over to visit and to meet the new kitten.

The Nice lady’s friend was also very kind. The kitten liked her immediately and crawled into her lap, curled up and purred contentedly. The lady’s friend spent all day with the kitten, petting her and feeding her milk replacement. At first, the kitten would not drink the milk from a dish and the ladies despaired. Then, the lady’s friend began dipping her fingers in the milk and the kitten happily licked it from her hands. The day passed quickly for the kitten and soon it was time to leave for her new home. The kitten was happier than she had ever been before, but she was also very sad. She wished she could see Momma cat one last time; to tell her how happy she was and to say goodbye.

Momma cat had not strayed far from the place where she had last seen her kitten. The two days since she had lost little kitten had been the longest and hardest days of her life. She replayed that night over and over in her head trying to think of a way she could have saved her baby. The scene played out unending until Momma cat was jarred from her thoughts by a nearby apartment door opening. Mistrustful of strangers, as any feral cat would be, Momma cat hunched down trying to blend with the car she was perched on. Momma cat tightened her muscles and was preparing to flee when she saw a flash of familiar coloration. Momma cat froze and perked up her ears in interest. The stranger stopped close to her perch and spoke to the person in the apartment door. Momma cat peered into the carrier the stranger was carrying, and felt a wash of emotion pass over her. Little kitten looked out of the carrier and meowed at her momma. She told her Momma about everything that had happened over the past two days and how nice her new person was. The weight of the world was lifted from Momma cat’s tired shoulders. Against all odds, her tiniest kitten was alive and had found a home. Momma cat meowed a final goodbye to her kitten and quickly disappeared into the shadows.

Little kitten went home with her new human and was given the name Emmagan (moggie).

So you see dearest subjects, I have been judged wrongly. I too, come from the humblest of beginnings. I have fought fang and claw to get where I am today. And somewhere out there, my Momma cat is proud of me.
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