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Holding down the Fort-Lucivars Diaries

post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 

I'll be using this thread to post Lucivars many diary entries. He has many stories to tell, so I will post them here in the order they were written. Hope this is okay

Feel free to make comments, enchiladas, throw rocks, or run me out of town. Whatever you feel is necessary, though I'm voting for the enchiladas. Yummmm.
post #2 of 10
Thread Starter 
Emmagan: Luci, Help! The evil Overlord (Vacuum) is staring at me!

Lucivar: What? *exasperated sigh* It’s not staring at you, it’s sleeping. And by the way, that is Not the Evil Overlord.

Emmagan: Sleeping? Really? And if that’s not the Evil Overlord, Smarty Pants, then where is it? Hmm? Hmmm?

Lucivar: You are such a pain. The Evil Overlord is up there on the ceiling fan….

Emmagan: *Shiver* What? Where?

Lucivar: See it’s hanging from the fan by its greasy, life sucking….

Emmagan: Ewwww greasy, is it sleeping too?

Lucivar: cat hating, tentacle (light cord)…..and…it’s…staring…at…ME!
Get down Moggie, I’ll take care of this beast before it contaminates our home.

Emmagan: *watches from under the couch*

Lucivar: Now, it’s just a matter of reaching the foul beast. *jumps fruitlessly* It would appear my springs are in need of oiling. I’ll have to start from higher ground. Perhaps the Computer chair will come to my assistance *jumps to the chair and erratically waves paws in the general direction of the fan* No go, my ninja kitty claws of doom are not reaching my mark and I believe the Overlord has caught my scent. It’s taunting me and that is not acceptable. I must show no fear and destroy this monster, otherwise *drama queen* No Cat Shall Ever Be Safe Here.

Mom: Hi Fuzzy Butt! What are you up to?

Lucivar: Oh the indignity. Wait, I have an Idea *plot plot* Mom Mom Pick me up right now it’s very important please right now right now right now pick me uuuuuuuup!

Mom: Calm down Luci baby, I’m working on it *snuggles*

Lucivar: *purrrrrrrrrrrr* *purrrrrr* What was I doing…..OH! Perhaps if I attack from Moms shoulder….*swipe jump swipe grab*

Mom: Owwww, Lucivar what are you doing…That’s my skin you are digging your claws into. Owww, that’s it you are coming down.

Lucivar: No, I am so close! Evil Overlord you will Not escape my wrath! *evades the hands desperately seeking to remove him from the shoulder and quickly perches on the back of Moms neck*

Mom: Lucivar, what the….what are you doing, get back over here. What are you after, the ceiling fan pull cord? I’m far too short to be used as a step stool! See the man on the couch? He’s much taller, why me?

Lucivar: Ahhh, I think this may be it. *jump swipe catch*

Mom: Oh hey, you actually got it. Okay, enough. It’s dead already. Defeated, pummeled, squashed, you win. Now please get down so I can staunch the bleeding!

Lucivar: HoooYa *jumps from Moms shoulder and does the kitty victory dance* I have thwarted the beast, I have saved the kingdom from ruin, I have saved the day. Worship me, for I am the Greatest of all cats!

Emmagan: Hahahahahahahahahaha, you are so full of yourself ya know. You weren’t even the one responsible for the Overlords demise. I was.

Lucivar: What? But…*sputter* didn’t you see? With the climb, jump, slam, bam, swipe, scamper, smack, VANQUISH??? That was meeee, not you.

Emmagan: Have you been in the catnip again? I reign supreme in this household buddy. I vanquished the Evil Overlord with my powerful but kittenish Jedi Mind Tricks :P Just try and prove otherwise. *saunters off*

Lucivar: And Mom wonders why I bite that brat…Hey, Mom! I deserve treats now, and wet food. Lots of wet food…..
post #3 of 10
Thread Starter 
Dearest Readers,

I have an interesting situation and I believe some of you may have had the same experiences. Perhaps, if we work together on this, we may come to a workable solution. I believe my human is holding out on me. I have looked at this problem from every direction, searched for possible solutions, theorized, postulated, and experimented. I have found no other answer. My human is holding out on me and I am appalled at her behavior. Now let me see if I can explain the situation at hand. You see, two days after Mom brought me to my new home; she began disappearing for long periods of time. She would sneak out the door under the pretense of going to “Workâ€. What is this “Work†I ask you? This ridiculous word is not in my English to Kitten dictionary. And why must it be done on the other side of the front door? Eight hours a day on the other side of the door is very suspicious in my eyes.

My dear friends, I have come to the conclusion that this “Work†may be the biggest smokescreen ever perpetuated on KittenKind! You see, I believe there is no such thing as “Workâ€. Mom comes inside in the middle of the day for something she calls “Lunchâ€, and do you know what happens at “Lunchâ€? Moggie and I get fed wet food, that’s right, wet food. Where do you think this endless supply of meaty goodness comes from? I think I have the answer, and it’s so simple I can’t believe it took this long to figure out. It’s obvious; Mom has been frolicking in the fields of Kibbleberry bushes and Nutro Meatfruit trees that reside directly outside our apartment front door! Yes, my friends, I was as shocked as you are right now! All this time, a kitten food garden has been growing right under my nose. The worst part is my human will not allow me to partake in this glorious abundance of Yumm.

One afternoon, I took my life into my own hands and snuck out the door when my human attempted to enter. The cry that arose from my human’s throat was unearthly and for a moment, stopped me dead in my tracks. I quickly regained my composure, for I knew I was the only one who could expose this fraud and all KittenKind was depending on me. I made it as far as the top of the stairs, before I was caught. But dear cats, my escape was not in vain. I saw the Kibbleberry bushes and Nutro Meatfruit Trees with my own two eyes and I exalted. I was forced back into the darkness of my home without even a nibble, but the knowledge itself was enough.

KittenKind, listen well. We must all make an effort to convince our humans that kittens should be allowed to accompany them to “Workâ€. After all, it is our right as Kittens to play and feast in the golden fields of Yummm. So my dearest Human Mom, I implore you, let me accompany you on your journeys. You surely get lonely during your day, and I am an excellent conversationalist.
post #4 of 10
Thread Starter 
To whom it may concern (you know who you are….mom),

I am not nor have I ever been bad, naughty, crazy, psycho or otherwise mentally compromised. I am, in fact, the best cat ever. You will never find one that compares to me, no one is even close. So I would greatly appreciate it if you would cease and desist with the requests to “be a good kitty, and stop being a loony kittyâ€. Snickering at me from the computer chair when you perceive my actions to be deviant or unexplainable is not helping matters either. I am not on crack, Thankyouverymuch.

Now, let me explain this to you in very simple terms, so hopefully a human such as yourself can understand.

1. The Woogies are after me and that is an undeniable fact. I am not “Chasing DustBunniesâ€, I am Battling evil. I must not allow The Woogies to gain a foothold in the apartment or they will suck out my soul and your soul and Emmagans soul if she does indeed have one. They will also eat all of your candy.

2. The DustBunnies are also evil, but they are a much lesser evil than The Woogies. They will not eat your candy. They are the eyes and the ears of The Woogies. If you would just dust once in awhile maybe we wouldn’t have this problem.

3. Your food IS my food. Stop acting like it’s not and share.

4. Is it too late to change my mind about the neuter? I didn’t know what I was agreeing to. I thought a cut and a blow dry was something else completely. This was not the fashion statement I intended to make. The DustBunnies are laughing at me now.

5. I’m not running madly about the house. I’m endurance training. Preparing for Assault by Woogie is a very time and labor intensive activity.

6. I was not snuggling with Emmagan. I was preparing to go for her jugular right when you interrupted. I have it on good authority that this action appears to be snuggling and grooming to those not trained in Kitty Warfare.

7. I am not adorable. I am rough and intimidating. I have a certain sophistication and I’m charming in a manly sort of way. Don’t you forget it. Not adorable.

8. Stop brushing my bottom. I don’t particularly care how scraggly my fur looks. Why were you staring at it anyway? I don’t think that is at all appropriate.

9. This is my apartment, not yours. It smells like me and I spend far more time here than you do. Stop closing doors, I don’t appreciate it and I will have you evicted if necessary. Oh, and as for that guy on the couch; Tell him I want Cheetos or I’m repossessing his laptop.

10. Thanks for the Whiskas cat milk. I like that very much, buy more.

11. Do not under any circumstances, post this to my online diary. I’d hate for my kitty friends to know that I have to keep retraining my humans. Embarassing.

Thank you for you attention,
post #5 of 10
Thread Starter 
*Cue Suspenseful music*

Voice: *Bzzzt* Ninja Kitten Operative, please come in.

Ninja: Jeez! Can you turn down the volume on this thing?. I think everyone within a thirty mile radius heard your transmission.

Voice: *Bzzzt* Report, what is your current position?

Ninja: First target has been located, currently holding my position. Please advise.

Voice: *Bzzzt* Engage target at first opportunity, repeat, engage target.

Ninja: Why doesn’t my headset buzz? Engaging target.

*Commercial Break*

Buy Frisky Feline Fun Juice for your Frisky Feline today!

*Cue Reggae music*

Ninja: What the…..I could have sworn the ambient noise was different a moment ago. Hmmm, I must be imagining things. Concentrate on the target.

Our Ninja hero advances quietly towards the unsuspecting target and attacks before there is a chance for the target to mount a defense.


Ninja: Target has been neutralized.

Voice: *Bzzzt* Good work my ninja buddy. Proceed downstairs to the study and locate your next target.

Ninja: Are you hearing that buzz too or is it just on my side? Ninja buddy….never mind.
On my way, will make contact as soon as soon as I reach my quarry.

*Random statements from uninterested cable viewers*

I’m far more entertained than I was 10 days ago.

*Cue Heavy Metal Lullabies*

Ninja: Something just feels wrong. Target Located, in the study with the candlestick.

Voice: *Bzzzt* Have you remained undetected?

Ninja: Yes, until you buzzed in! You’re making that noise aren’t you? Aren’t you?

Voice: Engage Target Immediately.

The ninja eyes his target, the target eyes his candlestick. The candlestick is inanimate and eyes no one.

Heeeeya! Kapow! Smack Yelp Crunch Thud

Ninja: Target has been subdued.

Voice: *purrrrr* Nice Job. Now find the safe and secure the goods. Report to headquarters as soon as possible.

Ninja: Right-O. I knew you were buzzing.

*Commentary from the Peanut Gallery*

Think of the Children!!!!!!!

*Cue Karaoke Singing Bunny*

Ninja: “All by myseeeeeelf, I wanna be….â€
Bunny: Needs more emotion. Duet?
Ninja: Sure
Ninja and Bunny: ……………..

The audience howls in agony.

Ninja: Thanks Bunny, now I must be going…..

The Ninja finds himself in the master bedroom with the safe already opened.

Ninja: Well that’s weird, I could have sworn….I’ll just take the goods and go….

The ninja inspects the box that was previously nestled securely within the safe. He has been advised not to open the box under any circumstances. His curiosity is mounting, but he makes his way towards headquarters and attempts to stifle the urge. The Ninja must perform great feats of daring to gain entrance to the building. He scales the outside walls and then uses his Third Rank Ninja Tail to slide the rope across the courtyard. This trial is old hat for the ninja and he quickly gains access to the inner sanctuary where the Ninja Boss has been waiting.

Voice/Ninja boss: You have retrieved my box? Good Ninja. Bring it to me. I wish to inspect it.

The Ninja reluctantly hands over the treasure.

Ninja: So, what’s in the box Boss?

Voice/Ninja Boss: *Bzzzt* It’s my bubblegum dummy. I told you Mom had hidden it from me and you went all cops and robbers on me.

Ninja: Whatever are you talking about Ninja Master?

Voice/Ninja Boss/Ninja Master/ Emmagan: Ninja Master? Hellooooo, this is your sister…Earth to Lucivar! Though I think I quite like Ninja Master. Good Title.

*Cue the Macarena*

The Ninja and The Great Ninja Master Boss Cat suddenly drop everything to dance.
Heyyyyyy Macarena!

Mom: Awww, Lucivar is so cute! I bet he’s dreaming of chasing little mice or something.
post #6 of 10
Thread Starter 
So for you Delicate Butterfly, I will bare my soul. I will reveal a terrifying and long suspected secret. It is the sort of feline urban legend that everyone talks about but no one truly believes. I have found kitten enemy #1, my evil twin. It seems impossible, but I stared him down with my own two eyes and my own two eyes stared directly back at me.

Let me start from the beginning. It began like any other day. I accompanied Mom into the bathroom for her daily ritual of smearing paint on her face. To pass the time, I regaled her with stories of all the bad things my sister does when Mom isn’t looking. Mom assured me the problem would be taken care of and rubbed my head in thanks. She then left the bathroom for unknown parts of the apartment. I was alone, or so I thought.

I spent some time tidying up since mom is so disorganized and messy, and then I headed towards the door. I caught a glimpse of something in the mirror and quickly turned towards it. That’s when I saw him, on the other side of the mirror staring back at me. I puffed out my fur as much as I could, reached down into the pit of my soul, and hissed at him with everything in me. This is when the unthinkable happened. He hissed back at me. HE hissed back at ME. I couldn’t believe it. I was flabbergasted, at a loss for words, but mostly I was furious. How dare this beast mock me in such a way? He has stolen my image, my movements, my sense of self and He hisses at Me??? I know some of you are thinking right now, well you started it so you deserved what you got. The thing is, our movements, noises, everything, were absolutely simultaneous. It was like he knew what I was going to do before I did it. Unsettling indeed.

I ran from the bathroom and sounded the alarm. Sirens blaring and guns blazing, Emmagan and I returned to the mirror. The situation had worsened in my absence. My evil twin glared at me menacingly and right beside him sat Emmagans evil twin, hissing and spitting in time with her. There was nothing more we could do; it was very obviously a perfectly even match. We retreated. Now we plan for the day we can rid ourselves of this blight on Kittenkind. We just hope it won’t be too late.
post #7 of 10
Thread Starter 
Agent Lucivar, sneaks like shadows: We must gain access to the lair of the sleeping beasts; it is a matter of great urgency. The fate of the world rests upon our shoulders. Do you have the necessary equipment Agent Mog?

Agent Mog, runs like blind camel: Flashlight, Check. Rope ladder, Check. Object of Maximum Propulsion, Check. Great Vocal Magnifier, Check. Jingly bells, Check. Mouthful of food, Crunch.

Agent Luce: You just finished off our rations didn’t you? Those were supposed to last until dawn, ya know.

Agent Mog: It’s not like it was my fault. I was feeling a bit peckish and the next thing I knew, the rations had jumped right into my mouth. I felt it would be insulting to them if I ignored their great sacrifice.

Agent Luce: Sure, very charitable acts on your part, satisfying your hunger and ending their suffering like that. Alas, there is no time for recriminations, no matter how deserved. We must focus on our goal. Now, may I see the Vocal magnifier please?

Agent Mog: Ooh Oooh, are we going to make catcalls at the unsuspecting neighbors again? That was awesome! Work it Pretty Lady!

Agent Luce: No, dummy. We are attempting to wake the great beasts remember?

Agent Mog: Oh, I have just the thing. Give me the magnifier! *clears throat* “Suddenly Seymourrrrrrrr, is standing beside meeeeeeooooowwwwwwwwâ€

Agent Luce: Gahh, we are trying to wake them, not kill them! My ears are bleeding, give me that thing! Ehhh ehhm “YOWWWWWWWW YOWWWWWWWâ€

The lair of the sleeping beasts: *Snore*

Agent Luce: What is this? My melodious tenor has failed to provoke a reaction? I am wounded.

Agent Mog: Oh give it up; they probably bought earplugs after the 6 hour medley of show tunes you subjected us all to last week.

Agent Luce: Oh is that how it is?? Get the Object of Maximum Propulsion, right away.

Agent Mog: Okay, now what? How does this work?

Agent Luce: See the little bucket at the end of the catapult….I mean object of propulsion? Climb on in.

Agent Mog: Okay, I’m in position. Now what?

Agent Luce: Now I just pull this lever and send you flying forcefully towards the door….

Agent Mog: Wait….What? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


Agent Mog: *Stumbling around* I’m a happy squirrel, Right-O. Where is my basket Mr. Frost? I’m hunting for the Easter Bunny, he has taken my chocolate cake. He will pay.

Agent Luce: Well, at least the impact didn’t cause a loss of brain function. It’s down to one last ditch effort, we must make this work. Mog, shine a flashlight onto the knob of opening and come over here.

Agent Mog: Done and Done.

Agent Luce: Now, I need you to jump as high as you can. Try to grab onto the knob.

Agent Mog: *Sproing* I’m flying!

Agent Luce: Hold on tight and swing yourself back and forth; I will use my brute strength to push on the door. We almost have it Mog, keep swinging!

Agent Mog: Wheeeeeeee, Whoopeeeee, Wow, Wahaaaaa

*The Door slips open and admits our two agents to the Lair*

Agent Luce: Listen closely Mog, this is very important. Once we have scaled the place of beastly resting, you must be very careful not to touch the toes of the sleeping man beast. Man Beast toes are very sensitive and if he awakens we will be forcefully ejected from the Lair.

Agent Mog: Got it, don’t touch the Man Beast toes.

Agent Luce: I’ve positioned the rope ladder, let’s get to it.

Agent Mog: Yay! We made it!

Agent Luce: Ahh, the taste of sweet success!

Agent Mog: Luce, why does it taste so much like bitter failure?

Agent Luce: That’s actually a tangerine altoid. Where did you get that from? Mog, Noooo! Not the toes!

Agent Mog: Nyahhhh, good for biting!

*The Man Beast stirs and Agent Mog is knocked to the far side of the resting place.*

Agent Luce: You have absolutely no short term memory do you?

Agent Mog: Mmmm, toes good. Have what?

Agent Luce: Never mind, we were lucky this time. Do you have the jingly bells tied around yourself? Good, it is time to awaken the She Beast!

The two agents boldly leap upon the sleeping She Beast, howling and jingling all the way.

Mom: Ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhh! What the…..Babies!

Lucivar: Hi Mom, pet me pet me pet me pet me.

Emmagan: Feed me, I’m hungry, I’m starving, I want turkey and cookies and bubblegum and maybe another altoid of bitter failure yummmmmm. Oh and toes!

Lucivar: Under the chin, pet me under the chin. Oooh Oooh, pet my tummy!

Mom: It’s 4 am on a Saturday and that door was closed! You can stay if you lie down and let me sleep. Crazy kittens.

Man Beast: *Snore*
post #8 of 10
awesome great stories
post #9 of 10
we lovin all this. meowmy taught us day reeding is good for you. we very much entertained! tank you! shenandoah an humble
post #10 of 10
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by huggles
awesome great stories
Thank you
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