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A question about Marriage. - Page 3

post #61 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by HopeHacker
I'm not saying that I find it odd or losing identity if you say you're Mrs Smith. What I sometimes think is hard to understand is why someone would say Mrs John Smith, why not say, Mrs Jane Smith.l
Missed that, the few times I use it/hear it/respond to it, it is simply Mrs.X - doesn't include hubbie's first name...trust me, most people can't say his first name so they don't try It's simple, short and swedish and they just don't know how to pronounce it.
post #62 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by HopeHacker
I think they should change what is proper and what isn't in that case. It just makes me sad inside when I hear a woman call herself Mrs. John Smith or by her husbands first and last name. It is probably proper grammer for the old days, when women really weren't the same as they are now. They could update it, to make it Proper for a woman to use her OWN name, instead of his first name.
They already have. A woman's name is properly used with "Ms."

Also, it's not sad unless the woman is forced to call herself "Mrs. John Smith" or whatever. My mother was proud to be Mrs. Male Name. LOL She loved my dad and felt sharing his name was one manifestation of it.
post #63 of 86
I don't know if I ever want to get married either, and I'm a romantic. I don't want to live with someone because I get bored easily. I don't want the novelty to wear off. There's a recent study that showed a chemical in your brain is released when you meet someone that makes you fall in love, and after 2 years or marriage (I think) it stops being released. I'm worried that I will lose that GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR when I see someone, and be like: "oh, you again? hi." I don't ever want to lose the butterflies or excitement that comes with new love, or I will get bored and lose another great guy.

However, I when guys are so in-love that they want to tell everyone how great I am, or how much they love me. I think marriage is the ultimate show of love & commitment. Even though a long relationship can be the same as a marriage, it's different when someone says "my boyfriend" vs. "my husband." I know marriage can be fragile and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships can be strong, but in general, that's not what people see. They think "why hasn't he proposed? Are you guys having issues? He must not love you enough." I would want the world to know, and celebrate our love for each other.

Plus, I want a nice wedding. And legal rights. I just don't think I'll ever live with my husband if I ever get married. I would keep my last name if I didn't like his, too. If I liked it and it sounded good with my first name, I'd take it.
post #64 of 86
There's no reason to feel bad for women who refer to themselves as Mrs. John Smith. They choose to refer to themselves in that manner, and obviously, they don't see it as demeaning.

I got married because I love my husband selflessly and entirely. I know that that will probably sound silly and cliche, but unless you've been in love like my husband and I are in love (and like numerous others on this site), I don't think you can really understand it. I took my husband's last name. That doesn't make me any less "me" than I was before we got married. But I will admit to this... I have changed since meeting Josh. Being with him has made me slow down and enjoy life. I never knew that life could be so good when it looks to be so bad. Our sex life will never get boring, because we continue learning about each other each and every day... and since we all discover more and more about ourselves as life goes on, I don't anticipate running out of things to learn about him.

Marriage isn't for everyone, but it certainly is for me.
post #65 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by HopeHacker
It just makes me sad inside when I hear a woman call herself Mrs. John Smith or by her husbands first and last name.
I'm with you on this, Hope. And in my family, which included suffragists, bra-burners and everything in between, I would literally be openly scorned if I took Ian's last name. We're a family of Ms.'s and it is simply a belief of the uppity women in my family that the names we've carried from birth to marriage are symbols of our strength, independence and identity. In FACT, my name was legally hyphenated until I was 18, when I adopted only half of it for reasons of simplicity. Ian and I have agreed to do the same for our children (in the off chance that they come into being...remember, my mom was a pwer exec who didn't like children, and now she has 3), and they can choose, as I did, whether or not they agree as adults. Plus, our names sound kinda cool hyphenated
post #66 of 86
If I ever do get married, it would really have to be my way...

- I would not take my husband's name. If he's really concerned about us having the same last name, he can take mine.

- It would be a small wedding (if we have money to spend on something, we can go on a nice honeymoon or buy a house or something... I wouldn't spend thousands of dollars on one day!). I think I'd have a family BBQ or something

- I might wear white... even if I wouldn't really be supposed to (I find that tradition really sexist and refuse to follow it)

- It would not be a church wedding. I do not personally believe in Christianity so I think it would be disrespectful of me to get married in a church.

Well, that's what would be right for me for an actual marriage. But then again, I am open to all sorts of relationships, as long as they are based on respect and honesty.
Ok, preferably more than just respect and honesty but these are the minimum I ask for.
post #67 of 86
Its kinda funny to see how defensive you guys are all being about getting married......I mean its just marriage...a completly meaningless word if you have no commitment or love to back it up......

Its good to see so many women with the strength, selfesteem and pride to stick up for what you believe in...and to never forget who you are and where you came from........

But come on girls...Youre taking all the fun out of it......dressing up, being with family, making a buck or two.......you guys are making it seem like you are being asked to remove a kidney w/ a rusty knife and no anesthisia...Just chill a bit.....

Marriage is not for everyone..I completly agree with that.....maybe less people would get divorced if more people realized that.....
post #68 of 86
....And on another point...just because men were all sexist pigs back in the day doesnt mean they all are now....and to take away all say from the guy when it comes to a big commitment like marriage seems a little bit like "calling the kettle black"....

If men are such sexist pigs dont marry them.....
post #69 of 86
I don't refer to myself as Mrs. John Lastname. But we get mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Lastname. I AM Mrs. Lastname, not Mrs. Maidenname. I took his last name by choice when we married. If others choose not to, fine for them.

I really like being his wife. And being in a committed relationship does mean you always have someone there for you.

Today, ds threw up at school. Although I have took Mon and Tues off as vacation days, as I work 20 mins from the school, and dh works 1 hour away, I of course left work early to p/u ds. However, as we are both swamped at work right now, tomorrow dh will stay home with ds. Although I took his last name when we married, I did not become his property or his slave.

As for a married person thinking a single person's life is boring, I defy you to spend a day washing laundry for a family of 5 and want my life! It is just different strokes for different folks. And while I do think some single people are selfish (as are some married folks), the members of this board own pets and do know how to prioritize the pets needs. So they can't be truly selfish, now can they?
post #70 of 86
Just an amusing anecdote: My husband and I moved in together before we were married. We talked about it to make sure we both knew what that would mean to each of us, which was that is was a kind of informal engagement, and did it. Well. A certain family member of mine was HORRIFIED. Among the many things he said to me to try and get me to move back out was this: "But by the time you get to the honeymoon night ( it will be old hat!" Bwaaaaaaaaha ha ha ha ha! Here we are 5 years later and I can tell you . . . . there are NO old hats in this house! Tee hee! This was coming from a man who hadn't worn a hat yet, and thus didn't know that this type of hat only gets better over time (if you're paying attention anyway).
post #71 of 86
I guess there's no real `need' for it, all I can say is that I think it's just nice. It's a nice thing to do. It's nice being married, and I think it feels different to not being married. Even though my marriage failed, it hasn't put me off getting married again, because the good parts were REALLY good. I guess it's just a public declaration of commitment, IMO, and one that I am hoping to make again one day, when the time is right.

Having said that, I don't see any problem with people being just as committed and never getting married. Horses for courses with this one, I think!
post #72 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purr
Even though a long relationship can be the same as a marriage, it's different when someone says "my boyfriend" vs. "my husband." I know marriage can be fragile and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships can be strong, but in general, that's not what people see.
I can say from experience that this IS true...people react differently. They tend to kind of blow off the relationship if it's not "my fiance" or "my husband"...especially men. I have been told more than once in various ways "well, I don't see a ring, so it doesn't matter."
I have even stayed home from work to take care of my BF when he was very sick...had to take him to the doctor...and my supervisor just couldn't understand why I wasn't coming to work...it was just my boyfriend. She wanted to know just how sick he was. (This supervisor was a royal b!$#*& anyway....) A wife is allowed to take family medical leave, no questions asked, if her husband has a little sniffle....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nebula11
Its kinda funny to see how defensive you guys are all being about getting married......I mean its just marriage...a completly meaningless word if you have no commitment or love to back it up......
And it sucks that people who do it with no commitment or love whatsoever are treated better just because of it, when truely commited, totally in love people who aren't married get shafted.
post #73 of 86
We are lucky in this country - If your SO is sick, you can take carer's leave irrespective of if you are married or not.
post #74 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoe'n'MissKitty
I can say from experience that this IS true...people react differently. They tend to kind of blow off the relationship if it's not "my fiance" or "my husband"...especially men. I have been told more than once in various ways "well, I don't see a ring, so it doesn't matter."
I have even stayed home from work to take care of my BF when he was very sick...had to take him to the doctor...and my supervisor just couldn't understand why I wasn't coming to work...it was just my boyfriend. She wanted to know just how sick he was. (This supervisor was a royal b!$#*& anyway....) A wife is allowed to take family medical leave, no questions asked, if her husband has a little sniffle....


And it sucks that people who do it with no commitment or love whatsoever are treated better just because of it, when truely commited, totally in love people who aren't married get shafted.


That does suck...your right...single people or people in commited..yet unmarried relationships should not be treated differently.....

However if you took my posts wrong I was more pointing out the way people were reacting that were getting married....

But I totally agree w/ you....it makes no sence that if you are married you get all the breaks...yet the wife could be cheating and the husband beats her ...etc....Yet a couple completly in love, and completly devoted to eachother doesnt get squat......Thats one of the biggest issues w/ homosexuals and the right to marry....they don't care about being married...just that they get the bennys
post #75 of 86
I don't agree that people should marry just because children are involved. My mother wasn't married to my real father, and I turned out just fine! I'd rather grow up with my mom being happy than in a loveless marriage. Kids do pick up on that sort of stuff and then don't have healthy relationships themselves.
post #76 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nebula11
That does suck...your right...single people or people in commited..yet unmarried relationships should not be treated differently.....

However if you took my posts wrong I was more pointing out the way people were reacting that were getting married....
Ahh, I see.


Quote:
Thats one of the biggest issues w/ homosexuals and the right to marry....they don't care about being married...just that they get the bennys
I hope you mean that they just want equal treatment under the law. Some (but not enough) companies allow "domestic partner" benefits...ie for unmarried couples, both heterosexual and homosexual, so for some of the people asking for the right to marry, that's not really the issue. The issue is that they are not being given equal treatment under the law. They have been treated the way African-Americans were before the Civil Rights Movement. A "civil union" in place of a marriage seems to me to be something akin to "seperate but equal" laws, which were deemed unconstitutional.
They want the same civil rights as any other US citizen, and that includes being married to the person you love and all the legal/social benefits that come with it.
It makes me very sad and angry that even though I don't want to right now, I have the option to marry my boyfriend, but my gay friend doesn't.


Quote:
Originally Posted by menagerie mama
I don't agree that people should marry just because children are involved. My mother wasn't married to my real father, and I turned out just fine! I'd rather grow up with my mom being happy than in a loveless marriage. Kids do pick up on that sort of stuff and then don't have healthy relationships themselves.

A kid needs a mom and a dad (as long as neither is abusive) but mom and dad don't have to be married or even together for the kid to turn out great.
post #77 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoe'n'MissKitty
A kid needs a mom and a dad (as long as neither is abusive) but mom and dad don't have to be married or even together for the kid to turn out great.
I don't think there would be anything wrong with kids growing up with two mommies or two daddies either. Even one parent can do a great job at raising kids alone. Ideally, kids should grow up with as many supportive adults around them... regardless of whether they are their mom / dad / grandparents / etc.
post #78 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoe'n'MissKitty



I hope you mean that they just want equal treatment under the law. Some (but not enough) companies allow "domestic partner" benefits...ie for unmarried couples, both heterosexual and homosexual, so for some of the people asking for the right to marry, that's not really the issue. The issue is that they are not being given equal treatment under the law. They have been treated the way African-Americans were before the Civil Rights Movement. A "civil union" in place of a marriage seems to me to be something akin to "seperate but equal" laws, which were deemed unconstitutional.
They want the same civil rights as any other US citizen, and that includes being married to the person you love and all the legal/social benefits that come with it.
It makes me very sad and angry that even though I don't want to right now, I have the option to marry my boyfriend, but my gay friend doesn't.



Exactly...I have a good friend who is gay...and he has been with his SO for like nearly 10 years.....they are going to be together forever...so they dont need to marry to prrove it...However The benifits of marrige are really good.....and there fore they should be able to get those benifits as easy as anyone else....It absolutly rediculous...I agree w/ you 100% on that
post #79 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nebula11
Thats one of the biggest issues w/ homosexuals and the right to marry....they don't care about being married...just that they get the bennys
Legal benefits are a big reason for homosexuals to fight for the right be get married.
But I think most homosexual couples who want to get married want to do it for romantic and/or religious reasons.
post #80 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by marie-p
Legal benefits are a big reason for homosexuals to fight for the right be get married.
But I think most homosexual couples who want to get married want to do it for romantic and/or religious reasons.

Yeah you may be right.......Howver for the older gay couples I have met..it seems that they have establshed their relationship and want that tax break....But yeah I dont know every gay couple on the world...so i shouldnt have prosummed....lol
post #81 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by marie-p
I don't think there would be anything wrong with kids growing up with two mommies or two daddies either. Even one parent can do a great job at raising kids alone. Ideally, kids should grow up with as many supportive adults around them... regardless of whether they are their mom / dad / grandparents / etc.
Quite right.
I guess what I meant was, a kid should have two parents, if there are two available. And two moms or two dads counts.
The reason I think two active parents is best is because of the kid's emotional attachment to both parents. Any kid would be devastated if one of their parents up and abandoned them...or if one parent just didn't care.... Now, if there was just one parent to begin with, it wouldn't be quite as bad as if one just left.
But I am hardly an expert on kids, so I really can't be taken too seriously. I'm guess just talking about how I think I would have felt as a kid.
post #82 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nebula11
Exactly...I have a good friend who is gay...and he has been with his SO for like nearly 10 years.....they are going to be together forever...so they dont need to marry to prrove it...However The benifits of marrige are really good.....and there fore they should be able to get those benifits as easy as anyone else....It absolutly rediculous...I agree w/ you 100% on that

When I told my gay friends that I was getting married, he looked at me and said "Congrads, that's something I will never be able to do". I just don't understand why people think it's a bad thing
post #83 of 86
I think there are quite a few reasons why people decide to get married. One of them being that it's implanted into us our whole lives, so that we grow up with the full expectation of having to get married. Also, it's true that the government makes it almost imperative that we get married in order to "reap the benefits", literally, of being legally wed.
At the same time, though, I personally can't wait to get married! I like the idea of being completely commited to someone, and knowing you'll have that person with you for the rest of your life. I like thinking about having that person to grow old with and all that mushy junk... lol
post #84 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by eburgess
When I told my gay friends that I was getting married, he looked at me and said "Congrads, that's something I will never be able to do". I just don't understand why people think it's a bad thing
I saw someone on a talk show say that her & her boyfriend weren't going to get married until gay people can get married. I'm pretty sure it Charlize Theron.
post #85 of 86
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purr
I saw someone on a talk show say that her & her boyfriend weren't going to get married until gay people can get married. I'm pretty sure it Charlize Theron.
Yes, it was her. I saw her on The View, and she was talking about it.
post #86 of 86
I think I like the thought of security. Honestly I would love just to have sex with one person forever, it's safer and plus you get to know each others likes and dislikes and stuff. But the main thing is that at some point all the flirting and ladder climbing and hot looks aren't going to matter and what will be left is me and the life I made. I do want to have kids and do want a partner in that, but more than that the commitment itself is something to be proud of in 50 yrs, when you can say we made it through all the crap life can throw at us and here we stand. The commitment is something that you can hold on to when you try to make choices in life and something greater than yourself but that still includes yourself. Me being raised Catholic, marriage is a sacrament and a gift from God. OK it's a lot of B.S. too, but I think that if you can make it work it can be the greatest blessing.
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