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Just had our first fight.... - Page 2

post #31 of 56
Trying another perspective here... Hypothetically, if I percieved that my BF's dog hurt my cat, I would not allow them to be near each other again. I can see how your BF would be protective in the same sense of his daughter.

IMO, at BEST, you need to wait until Kayla is older to re-introduce her to your dog.

HOWEVER -


As you and others have said, your BF has a very poor perception of how to care for animals. It is also very likely that he will NEVER love animals the way you do. This is a recipe for conflict.

IMO, at WORST, your BF is a control freak (as others have said). Control freaks many times become abusers.
post #32 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purr

hehe why thank you. Vixen never liked him anyways. LOL..she however ADORES Steve..even though he is scared of "the big bad vixen" all 13.3hh of her lol
post #33 of 56
Thread Starter 
[quote=white cat lover] Pedro likes Kayla (you didn't say anything about him being in love with Kayla, so I don't know how he feels). My mom compares a child crying over a toy taken away to a dog growling over its crate space being invaded.QUOTE]

Pedro seems to love Kayla. He watches her all the time, he tolerates her little hands poking and prodding him, she feeds him by hand and he only takes his food from her now, and when I'm near her, he comes over and lays by us. The only time he growls is when she pushes on him or something that hurts him. If he doesn't like something she is doing, he simply walks away. I've been studying him with her since they met, because he did show his teeth and growl the first time he met her, and I wanted to make sure I was reading him right and able to deal with the situation, but doesn't do it anymore.
post #34 of 56
Thread Starter 
[quote=CyberKitten]Re: "Most of the time when an animal bites a child, it's because of mishandling on the child's part" I have to say from a professional perspective, this is not necessarily true. Most of the bites I have eer treated were due to a strange dog hurting an unsuspecting child who either petted the dog, thinking s.he was friendly or a dog who was not well trained and was food or toy possessive and attacked the child over that issue. That said, children - esp those as young as Kayla - and dogs (and kittiies for that matter) should always be supervised since a child can seriously hurt a kitty or even a small chi. And often, children do inadvertantly hurt animals., all the more reason to watch them!

QUOTE]
I know, I was bitten by dogs many times as a child and I didn't do anything to them, I was just saying that MOST of the time it's mishandling. I agree that she should have been supervised, I never leave them alone together, and I wasn't there at the time that he bit her. I tried to tell Mark that they need supervision, but he said it was unacceptable and shouldn't have happened, no matter what she did.
post #35 of 56
Thread Starter 
I've had a day to think about this (still no phone call, by the way) and decided I need to hold my ground. Mark never actually said I have to get rid of Pedro, he just said he had enough of him and wouldn't let him out of his kennel, and his behavior is unacceptable and all his friends ask why Pedro is still around. (Hint hint, get rid of him, hint hint) I don't see how we can NOT have a compromise here. There are plenty of ways to deal with this situation. It's the whole fact that he refused to listen to my reasoning for teaching Kayla the right way to handle animals that bugs me. I realize I really can't bend to him on this one. I mean, truth be told, Pedro doesn't run around attacking her on a whim. He ONLY does something when he's being mishandled. If he maliciously attacked her for no reason, I'd have something different to say about it. What if we don't teach her this and someday she goes up to an actually vicious dog and mishandles him because she was never taught, and gets seriously attacked? How will Mark feel for not teaching her right from wrong? Kayla is a smart girl, she can learn. Pedro can learn too. MARK is the one I'm having the problem teaching. Pretty sad, you can teach a 19 month old easier than a 36 year old! How do you teach someone not to think of animals as objects? And, like it's been said, if I bend here, what's next, I'll have to get rid of the cats or my other dog? Not happening. Some of you have said it's an easy decision, just dump him, but I do love Mark, he is almost perfect otherwise and I'm very happy with him in every other aspect, so I'd really rather try to work something out instead of just dumping him. In the meantime, do you think I should call him or wait for the stubborn king to call me? If I call, what should I say?
post #36 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by menagerie mama
Almost 10 weeks. Not very long, but they have been, up until today, the happiest 10 weeks of my life.

Well, It seems to me you've known the dog longer...
post #37 of 56
An afterthought...

Since Kayla and Pedro are relatively "new" to each other, and she's constantly on him, cause Im sure he's little and cute, and who can resist? But PROBABLY what will happen is that when the novelty wears off for Kayla, she will pay him less attention, therefore giving Pedro the breathing space he needs, the two will most likely figure each other out, and grow more comfortable around each other. PLUS she'll be getting older and easier to reason with (I have dealt with little kids and little animals, try to use the same words over and over, I always stressed GENTLE) Just a thought...good luck, keep your chin up!
post #38 of 56
Quote:
I tried to tell Mark that they need supervision, but he said it was unacceptable and shouldn't have happened, no matter what she did.
To me that sounds really ignorant. Is everything so black & white with him? And as for his friends, it's none of their business.
post #39 of 56
DON'T CALL HIM!!!! He needs to be a man and make the first step, he was the one to go off.
post #40 of 56
Yes, he seems perfect in every other way because you've only been together 10 weeks. Everything is always good in the first six months of a relationship! But I feel very strongly that if he is this stubborn and inflexible - and downright mean to you by not calling - then it's a sign of deeper things and that he will not turn out to be as perfect as you expect.

You never know, if you do hold your ground and dump him (which is what I would do, having been in your exact situation before, and I stayed and it got SO bad....) he might wake up and realise what a nasty person he is being.

If he loves you he would not be treating you like this. Period. End of story. And it sounds to me as though he's treating you the way he would treat an animal - no compassion, no understanding, and no compromise.

See you later, buddy, IMO!
post #41 of 56
It is the little things that happen in the beginning of relationships that lead to bigger things happening as the relationship grows or continues. You give off subtle signals in your post that he is the leader and you are the submissive one, and at times, this is perfectly wonderful. But there are relationships where this type of assigned role can go to far. I know, because I married one and stayed in it for ten years, telling myself that he would change, that I loved him and things would be better. But you cannot change others, you can only change things within yourself. The fact that he isn't even budging is a really bad sign imo. I have a feeling you will be calling him, but I hope you don't.
post #42 of 56
Thread Starter 
I'm getting more amd more depressed as this night goes on. I'm reading all your posts and realizing you're probably right. I guess I'll wait to hear from him and see where it goes from there, if he says he's willing to compromise or what. In the meantime, a bunch of my stuff is over there, I mean vital stuff like my curling iron! I need it back! I have to call him eventually....maybe tomorrow, at least to ask for my stuff if he doesn't call by then. I can't believe that something so wonderful can turn to crap in one day. It's such a disappoinment and a shock to my heart. I was so hoping he was IT. I'm so sick of being hurt.
post #43 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by menagerie mama
I'm getting more amd more depressed as this night goes on. I'm reading all your posts and realizing you're probably right. I guess I'll wait to hear from him and see where it goes from there, if he says he's willing to compromise or what. In the meantime, a bunch of my stuff is over there, I mean vital stuff like my curling iron! I need it back! I have to call him eventually....maybe tomorrow, at least to ask for my stuff if he doesn't call by then. I can't believe that something so wonderful can turn to crap in one day. It's such a disappoinment and a shock to my heart. I was so hoping he was IT. I'm so sick of being hurt.
You never know...he might be IT. He might just need a damn good wake-up call.

Honey, the ball is in YOUR court here, not his. The stronger you are, the more you stand up for what you believe in, the more of his respect you will have (not to mention your own) and the more likely you will be to meet someone who IS right for you and treats you the way you should be treated.
post #44 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by menagerie mama
I'm getting more amd more depressed as this night goes on. I'm reading all your posts and realizing you're probably right. I guess I'll wait to hear from him and see where it goes from there, if he says he's willing to compromise or what. In the meantime, a bunch of my stuff is over there, I mean vital stuff like my curling iron! I need it back! I have to call him eventually....maybe tomorrow, at least to ask for my stuff if he doesn't call by then. I can't believe that something so wonderful can turn to crap in one day. It's such a disappoinment and a shock to my heart. I was so hoping he was IT. I'm so sick of being hurt.
You can borrow my curling iron!
post #45 of 56
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by emb_78
You can borrow my curling iron!
Thanks! Cuz not only do I feel like crap, but my hair looks like crap now too!
post #46 of 56
generally when you think the guy must be IT, he isn't. When you meet the right one, you know it pretty much right away. It would be interesting to talk to his ex as well. I am sorry this went flat, but at least you found out early. I have a feeling that had the internet been around when I was married before, I wouldn't have waited ten years to bail. Sometimes where there is stardust in our eyes it takes others who have been there to see for us-
post #47 of 56
Thread Starter 
Glutton for punishment, that's what I call myself. He called today, a little while ago. He asked me to come over and I said what for, and he said to talk about everything. He said he didn't call because he didn't know what to think, he said I walked in in a huff and didn't say anything to him the other night...well, neither of us said anything to each other so I guess that's true. He was probably wondering if I'd call him first and I didn't so maybe that freaked him out a little. We discussed what happened a little and he said he wanted to talk about it. He made one good point, when Pedro was snarling at them, if he would have let him out just then, it would have taught Kayla to let snarling dogs out of cages. That made sense, and he said he doesn't teach her to walk up and punch them in the face or anything, he always stresses gentle.....maybe if we talk about it and he hears my side he'll understand, and when he realizes that I'm not getting rid of my animals, he'll come to terms with it. I hate to bail so quickly, and I know it's early but everything else is so wonderful. I'm not going to back down on it, and if he sees that, (if he's not a control freak) he'll learn to understand them and compromise. I hope we can work it out. Thank you all for your support, even if I'm about to make another mistake by going back. Hopefully not, but I don't learn very quickly, it usually takes a few times for it to sink in! Wish me luck, and wish that the common sense and compassion fairy gives him a good smack with her wand! (upside the head!)
post #48 of 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by menagerie mama
Glutton for punishment, that's what I call myself. He called today, a little while ago. He asked me to come over and I said what for, and he said to talk about everything. He said he didn't call because he didn't know what to think, he said I walked in in a huff and didn't say anything to him the other night...well, neither of us said anything to each other so I guess that's true. He was probably wondering if I'd call him first and I didn't so maybe that freaked him out a little. We discussed what happened a little and he said he wanted to talk about it. He made one good point, when Pedro was snarling at them, if he would have let him out just then, it would have taught Kayla to let snarling dogs out of cages. That made sense, and he said he doesn't teach her to walk up and punch them in the face or anything, he always stresses gentle.....maybe if we talk about it and he hears my side he'll understand, and when he realizes that I'm not getting rid of my animals, he'll come to terms with it. I hate to bail so quickly, and I know it's early but everything else is so wonderful. I'm not going to back down on it, and if he sees that, (if he's not a control freak) he'll learn to understand them and compromise. I hope we can work it out. Thank you all for your support, even if I'm about to make another mistake by going back. Hopefully not, but I don't learn very quickly, it usually takes a few times for it to sink in! Wish me luck, and wish that the common sense and compassion fairy gives him a good smack with her wand! (upside the head!)
That is good news, and I don't think you're making a mistake. You know him better than we do, so only you know what's right.
post #49 of 56
iwish you luck!
post #50 of 56
Let us know how it goes!
post #51 of 56
Thread Starter 
Well, I went over there yesterday and we talked about things. He said he was sorry for not calling me, he said I didn't say anything to him either Wednesday night, which was true. Then he didn't know what to say so he didn't call me, and I didn't call him. We both didn't call each other, and we're both stubborn so it was a war of the wills I guess. We haven't talked about what we're going to do about the dog situation yet, which does not include me getting rid of Pedro, but I'm sure a few nights of me not sleeping there due to not being able to bring Pedro, he'll give in and let him come back. Last night he asked if I was coming back when I left at about 10 to let some pet sitting dogs out, and I said "no, I have to go home and let my dogs out." He didn't have too much to say about that. If he is a control freak, he's gonna have to get over it really fast, because I've been with control freaks before, including a step-father, and I don't wish to revisit that land! I'll put on the rose colored glasses again and see how it goes. Thanks for listening!
post #52 of 56
Good for you! I think you have to establish how both of you will resolve this sort of thing, if the relationship is to go further. And not backing down on things that are "bottom line" issues for you (like your pets) is very important.

Now, one question I would have about all of this is, why is he being so over protective of his daughter? Is her mother on the scene at all? (Sorry, I don't know if you have explained this situation). He may be overly sensitive about Kayla if he is going to have to answer to someone else, who will be critical, and have other repercussions.

I think you have to establish the boundaries of what is appropriate to worry about, and what he has to learn to "let go". So, for example, do not tolerate the dog snarling at Kayla. But also, do not let Kayla be alone with the dog.

I remember as a child of about 5 or 6, a good friend of our family had a chihuahua that was mean tempered, and would growl and nip at us if we ever went close. Or, the dog would sit on our laps, and then snap at us if we moved. I was terrified of that dog, and I don't think it was right for the dog owner to allow it to behave that way.
post #53 of 56
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sammie5
Good for you! I think you have to establish how both of you will resolve this sort of thing, if the relationship is to go further. And not backing down on things that are "bottom line" issues for you (like your pets) is very important.

Now, one question I would have about all of this is, why is he being so over protective of his daughter? Is her mother on the scene at all? (Sorry, I don't know if you have explained this situation). He may be overly sensitive about Kayla if he is going to have to answer to someone else, who will be critical, and have other repercussions.

I think you have to establish the boundaries of what is appropriate to worry about, and what he has to learn to "let go". So, for example, do not tolerate the dog snarling at Kayla. But also, do not let Kayla be alone with the dog.

I remember as a child of about 5 or 6, a good friend of our family had a chihuahua that was mean tempered, and would growl and nip at us if we ever went close. Or, the dog would sit on our laps, and then snap at us if we moved. I was terrified of that dog, and I don't think it was right for the dog owner to allow it to behave that way.
Mark and Kayla's mom have shared custody of her...50/50. Her mother would definitely use it against Mark if she knew, and he's not going to tell her! She already freaks out because I'm over there so much. I understand her point, I would want to know about who was involved with my child too, but she's actually a little psycho about it, we've caught her stalking the house before, and she calls at all hours of the night to leave messages she knows I'll hear. Anyway, I would understand if Pedro was more like the dog you mentioned, but he's usually such a little sweetie...he's a Chihuahua/Papillon mix, so at least he's got the mutt thing going for him, "Chihuahua-attitude"-wise. He likes, if not loves Kayla, as I am teaching him to, and she adores him.
post #54 of 56
Pedro sounds like a lovely pup, and you obviously know what you're doing with him.

I think that you need to talk to your boyfriend about not letting the psycho woman affect your lives. I can imagine that he is freaked out because if Kayla has a scratch, she will make a huge scene. (The ex, not Kayla). So it's not that he thinks it's dangerous, but he's trying to avoid drama.

You need to establish where her interfering ends, in your relationship with him.
post #55 of 56
Shannon, it sounds to me as though standing your ground was the best thing you could have done, so well done to you!! Mark is obviously a proud, strong person, but so are you. That can be a recipe for disaster, but can also work REALLY well if you know how to communicate. Sound like the best outcome here is what has occurred. Good luck and keep us posted!
post #56 of 56
Thread Starter 
Thank you, I will! You guys are the best!
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