ever did something you know you shouldn't do but said what the heck

you owe it to yourself to be happy and to get out of this marriage by whatever means it takes. he obviously doesnt want your help and you have to deiced do you want to stay with him if it *could* get better or just end it.

if you think that maybe you could stay with him offer him one last chance and if he doesn jump at it ditch him. easier said than done i know, but people dont change if they dont want to. and you have to think of yourself sometimes.

Originally Posted by Purity

I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions before going any further one way or the other. If Ron stopped drinking, would it help? If he went back to being more like the man you married, would you stay? Is there really no way back? If not, then I'd say you need to talk to him, and explain that whatever happens you just can't stay with him. If there is still hope, then you need to stop seeing your friend because he'll only confuse and complicate things.

If you do carry on seeing your friend then you need to tell Ron it's over first, or you'll live the rest of your life feeling guilty about it (which you shouldn't have to do).

Life really is too short to be miserable, but you have to make sure you do all you can in order to carry on and be truely happy

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'no' if ron was to stop drinking that still would not change how i fill this has gone on to long Im trying my hardest to do something about this im waiting till after christmas i dont want my mom to be upset there enough of that going on wityh my sister we do not need anymore pain in the family,
I think i will tell the guy that i need to cool things off till im at least seperated now rememeber this isnt going any where were just friends and thats is it

yes i will be eating away with guilt from this cause i swear on my Dads grave ive never done this before im taking off for today im going shopping
take care

I think the first thing that should be addressed is his drinking. I was with a alcholoic once and it seemed that the more i tried to get out the more he made it more difficult. I finially had to just tell him flat out that it was over and that i knew he wasn't going to change and that even though I loved him there was no way I was going to live my life as a victim. If you have been to AA then you know that that is what you are becoming. Don't allow yourslef to get stuck in that viscous cycle. You need to look out for yourself and do what will give your mind peace. If leaving him is what it takes then DO IT. You will be happier and healther in the long run than you will if you continue on the path that your treading now. I know this might sound mean but I have been there and I know what it is like as long as we were drinking together everything was ok mostly because I didn't care about what was going on but when I sobered up for good (6 years now) I realized how unhealthy our relationship actually was. Do what you need to do to save yourself. He will get over it in time.

It may be that a trial separation would not only give you the opportunity to find out who you are without your husband (a need I fully understand), but also give Ron the motivation he needs to stop drinking.

Several months or a year apart might help you both return to your best and highest selves. After that, you might move on, or you might come back together in a healthier relationship... but either way, it's bound to be better than it is now.

So please bear that in mind -- that you're about to change your life for the better. Try to remember that when you feel desperate, and let it anchor you if you can. Take care...

You sound very depressed and hopeless. My heart ached when you said you feel like you're dying inside. If the guy you're seeing is a good friend, he wouldn't even let you do anything that you would regret--please remember that.

It seems as if your relationship has completely deteriorated. It's probably gone on years past when it spoiled. Not only do you not have intimacy, but you don't even have friendship with this man. No wonder you are lonely!! MY GOODNESS! I would go insane!

In your first posts it seems as though you were seeking support in cheating on your husband, but now I realize you're seeking support for saving your soul. You need a friend, and if the man you are seeing can be that friend, then you need to see him. You need to get out of the relationship with your husband. I'm not one for trying to save something that shouldn't/couldn't be saved. I know there are better things in store for you, and you deserve them!!!

Oh, Rhonda, what a bad situation you are in! Only you know what will work best for you., but it sounds like you have doubts. First of all, please be true to yourself! That will include working on making yourself into a healthier person.
Please, please don't "cure your woes" with another man! Perhaps this new person will be a future husband and you will want him to consider you to be an honorable person. And if not, it might turn into just another heartbreak that leaves you just as unfulfilled as before.
Adultery is the one reason that Jesus gave as allowing divorce, so Ron has given you an out in that regard. However, you are not out yet. And until you have gone through the divorce and have readjusted , you will not know how you truly feel about the new person.
Also, be aware of the physiological changes that "falling in love" brings - all the wonderful, tingly feelings (that's why it's a temptation). It's not necessarily the other person that we are so attracted to, just the experience. But those or similar feelings can be had when doing other things, that won't prick at your conscience.
For instance, if you ask yourself, "If I was single again, what would I do to make myself into someone I'd want to meet, if I were a guy?", you could do your answers even while still married. After all, if divorce/separation is imminent, you need to be in the healthiest mental & physical shape possible; it really will help you in making good, sound legal decisions and also cope with the stress and speed the reovery.
I recently had thought that I needed a divorce, but after asking myself that same question, decided that if I "split" the next day, I'd immediately begin a workout program; adopt another cat; call my friends who I'd lost touch with; go to Tennessee & visit my sis for a week. So, BEFORE leaving, I decided to do those things & voila! I'm not lonely anymore, and I feel much more content & happy, even though the marriage itself didn't change (actually, my husband & I are doing alot more together now, but it could be that my perceptions changed, so my attitude changed for the better, which makes it easier to work things out).
whatever you do in your situation, please know that you will be RockinRhonda to us, & we will love you here at TCS just as much as ever! You are in my thoughts & prayers during this difficult time. Hugs, Susan

I recently read a very interesting book called 'When the Body Says No' by Gabor Mate, MD. It's all about how our lives can lead us to debilitating illness if we don't take control and think honestly and spiritually and care about ourselves. Some of the things you've described yourself going through...I worry about that! It's time to be honest and be you for your own sake, wherever that leads you. Just don't forget to be honest, open and ture to yourself and in tune with you needs.

Hi,
I think you have done wonderfully, to stay sober with all that going on. If it is at all possible for you and your cats to survive financially I think you should get out of that situation before he drags you down to his level.
As for your family they donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t have to live with him. There is an old saying: "You can't really understand another person's experience until you've walked a mile in their shoes."
They donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t seem to understand that the day to day drag of a situation like this makes you tired to your bones.
Take a deep breath and tell yourself that you deserve much more than this.

best of wishes Anne

Originally Posted by hissy

Rhonda, you owe it to the man you married to let him know you are unhappy. There is no shame in seeking outside counselors to help you out. Many times couple start to take each other for granted or fall into a rut.

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I think all this advice, though well-intentioned, is kinda heavy on her right now. I do agree with what everybody else said, though.
...I think what you need the most is some reassurance and a hug?

Just let your conscience be your guide. If you feel guilty, try your best to do whatever you think will fix it.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Good Vibes}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Aww huns

Firstly i think Ron takes it hardly because he knows that you will always be there for him no matter what, and he doesnt want you to leave his side, although he drinks and cheats on you which he has no right of and he cannot expect you to be happy!
If you want to end it with Ron do it now, January is still a while away and alot can happen between a month and a bit.
No divorce or break up will be easy, just take care of your self and enjoy your life!

Aw Rhonda! It's awesome that you've come so far. I think you'll make the right decision. It sounds like you've been making some good ones for a while. Maybe it is time to make the next decision. I will pray for clear guidance for you. I'm sure part of the reason you've stayed so long is that you do want to be a good example since God is important to you. It is a tough decision, but we're here for you as much as we can be!

You poor thing! Don't feel bad about having natural wants and needs. Everyone gets lonely even when in a relationship. My ex-husband and I were in a similar relationship. It wasn't drinking, it was The internet... he would be on it for literally DAYS when he was off work. True colors showed about 8 months before I left him. I found out he was homosexually interested in other men. That's when I decided I was tired of being alone and the time had came to move on and find someone else. I did. 5 yrs later, I am divorced from him and with the love of my life. We all need someone there. If you ever need to talk, please pm me. It's a tough situation to go through.

Originally Posted by sweetiecat3

I think all this advice, though well-intentioned, is kinda heavy on her right now. I do agree with what everybody else said, though.

...I think what you need the most is some reassurance and a hug?

Just let your conscience be your guide. If you feel guilty, try your best to do whatever you think will fix it.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Good Vibes}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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Rhonda

hey friends,
i want you to know how much i appreciate your feed back on this im not sure if i should of even posted something like this thank goodness no one knows me cause i would not want this to get out and i pray that it dont cause now im nervous about all of this,I had a talk yesturday with someone i work with not about who im seeing but about what im doing and she knows from knowing me over the past two years what is going on in my marriage and how i need to let go easier said then done when i do not want to hurt anyone, for the past few months i kept on saying everything was fine but she knew deep down inside it wasnt so many people at work will come up to me and say how unhappy i look, I think one needs to be happy within in there self before you can be happy in life,I know that i have tried not to talk about this for the past few months because of what it does to me sometimes its better to pretend everythings ok then to let it out
I have my class tonight at church and i really fill bad about going cause of guilt but i know i can't give church up because of what happen i half to have church in my life it makes me fill peace within myself but i don't know whats going to happen now
ive got a Doctors apt at 11 so i gotta run and get ready its my last check up on my foot

hope everyone has a nice day

Hey Rhonda,

I've been in your shoes, and I did leave for the other person and then got DUMPED. Ouch! In retrospect, I should have left before then, and not involved anybody else at all.

If you want some hard won advice ... if you leave, be prepared to be ALONE for a while. You shouldn't jump from one person to another with no break in between -- you'll just continue the same patterns.

I'm glad to see things are starting to look better for you. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you really want to betray your values and your conscience won't let you. LOL Boy, have I been there!

Good luck to you.