or Connect
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › this sucks!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

this sucks!

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
I needed someone to turn to and well, you guys are that someone.
My friend died today and I am not taking it very well. i am trying to be strong because i don't want to upset her brother but it is so hard... I feel so guilty. I saw her a couple of months ago and told her I'd stop by sometime and..well honestly never did. Now I can't stop by and I feel so horrible. She was only 38 and as far as anyone knew, healthy as a horse. She had bad heartburn last night and she was going to go to the ER this am if it didn't get any better,well it didn't and so she was getting ready to go to the ER to get checked out and while she was getting ready her left arm went numb and she collapsed on the floor and died. she had a massive corinary. I feel so darn guilty for not going to see her when I had the chance, but I let work and home get in the way of seing the other important things in life,friends. I'm sorry to be such a downer but I just needed to talk and tell someone and I figured, why not my friends at the cat site? this sucks. I am trying to be strong for her brother who is a good friend of mine too but it is really hard when I feel so terrible..
post #2 of 16
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend
I don't know what else to say, but I'm sorry .....
post #3 of 16
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! It's terrible to lose a friend unexpectedly, whether they're young or old.

Please don't beat yourself up! There's no way you could have forseen the future. I know there's really nothing I can say to help you feel better... and I'm at a loss for words. But I wanted to let you know you're not alone...

(((((Hugs))))) to you.
post #4 of 16
I'm sure your friend knows how you feel, and that you had good intentions on visiting and/or just calling her to say HELLO. Keep the good memories you have of her, that is all you can do now! Do you believe in an afterlife and that you will someday see her again?

Life has a dumb way of pritoritizing our daily routine for us. Somehow we miss out on the important things. We put job and finances first, and sometimes leave out friends, family, etc. Your heart was in the right place though! Don't be too down on yourself.

I don't know what else to say to you! I'm sorry for your friend and that you didn't get to tell her goodbye!
post #5 of 16
It is always hard to lose a cherished friend so suddenly. You need to cut yourself some slack, as you did not know she was going to die so suddenly. Perhaps at the service you can speak out to her family and try and put together a proper goodbye for her, if that feels right to you.

When my buddy died of cancer, even though I knew she was going to die, it was still hard. I had stopped going to see her about a month before she died, because the changes within her were so hard to watch. She was literally wasting away before the world, and I did not have the strength in the end to hold her hand and wait with her. But she also had a husband and two kids that needed the time together to understand and come to grips of Kathy slipping away. I did find a pamphlet at the funeral service that helped me come to terms with her passing over time. Here are the tips::::

Allow yourself to grieve. Do not buy into the social idea to "keep a stiff upper lip." Ignoring or holding your feelings back can only make things worse. Permitting the pain to flow out of you by talking about it helps you heal. Try to find someone you respect and trust with whom you can share your feelings.

Keep busy. you need to keep busy to nourish yourself, to avoid obsessing, to lessen your mental suffering."

Tap into your faith. Many people find comfort and meaning through religious services and ceremonies, quiet prayer or meditation, and activities at a house of worship.

Grieve in your own way. "Your grief is unique. No one will grieve in exactly the same way. "Don't try to compare your experience with that of other people or to adopt assumptions about just how long your grief should last. Consider taking a 'one-day-at-a-time' approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace."

Accept comfort from others. Friends and family want to help but they may be uncertain about what to say and do. Reach out to them. Let them know how you feel and how they can help.

Get involved with life. While the temptation to retreat and withdraw is great, push yourself to occupy your time and mind with activities such as:

Taking a new class

Learning a hobby


Volunteering your time

Adult education classes

The only word of caution is that you do not overdo it. Allow yourself time to grieve and reflect.

Take care of yourself. Adequate sleep, good nutrition and exercise are ways to build up resistance to stress. Avoid drugs or alcohol — they only delay grief and cause other difficulties. Consult a physician if you feel ill or have difficulty sleeping or eating and use whatever techniques have been helpful to you in the past to reduce stress — whether a vigorous walk or soothing bath.

Give yourself time to absorb your loss.

I am sorry for your loss and hope in time you will realize that just being her friend was all she ever needed.
post #6 of 16
Hi, Barb.

Unexpected losses always seem worse, somehow, maybe because it feels like there's so much left unsaid or undone. But I've had expected losses and sudden losses, and my experience is there is always something to regret if that's what you want to focus on.

You did nothing wrong. You were just having a life and doing the daily stuff we all do. You had no way of knowing you couldn't visit her next week, it wasn't a case of actually setting other things as a priority over her. You have to take care of life's details (work, laundry, cats, relaxing), so don't feel guilty for that.

I am sure she knows how you feel about her, and that she wouldn't want you to feel bad. She knows what life is like, and she knows you had good intentions.

jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii6666666y999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999986 (Fred sends his regards)

What works for me is to write a letter. I used to visit my mom in the cemetary and talk to her when I lived near there, but letters are the thing these days. I usually burn my letters afterward. I figure they've served their purpose and I don't always want to keep them. Something else might work better for you.
post #7 of 16
I am so sorry! Just because you didn't see her, doesn't mean she wasn't in your thoughts and that you weren't in hers. You can't just blame yourself for not seeing her - I am sure you both had busy lives. No matter the length of time between visits, the important thing is the caring between hearts & yours seems to care very much! There is never enough time to say a proper good bye even if you see each other everyday. Think on the joys you shared with each other & it will help you in this difficult time. Share those joys with her family as well to make their journey a little easier.
post #8 of 16
So sorry you are going thru this. That is terrible news.
post #9 of 16
Oh Barb, I'm sorry.

I've never lost a friend, but I did lose my mom. It's never easy, and honestly, it doesn't ever hurt less, just less often.

Easier said than done, but try not to beat yourself up over not getting over there to see her. You can't live your life expecting everyone around you could die at any moment. That's not living. All you can do is make sure those around you know what they mean to you. That's what I do. Since I'm not in the same state, I do it through cards, phone calls and emails.

I'm here also, if you need a shoulder.
post #10 of 16
I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Like everyone else here has said, try not to beat yourself up over the past. You couldn't have possibly known what was to happen.

It is good that you and her brother can share this sad time together. Are you helping with the services? When my mother passed away, this was a really hard thing to do, but I think it helped us to concentrate on the wonderful things that she did in her life and not focus on her passing. Maybe you can talk to her brother about the great memories that you have of your friend. It's OK to cry with him about this, too. My sister and I tried really hard to be strong for my Dad, and we found out he was trying to do the same for us. Grieving together really helped all of us.

We are all here for you. **BIG HUGS**
post #11 of 16
So sorry to hear about your friend. I have been lucky, and haven't had the misfortune of having to deal with a loved one passing. All I can say is, this to shall pass.
post #12 of 16
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Make sure you take time to grieve and remember that we are here for you if you need anything.
post #13 of 16
Barb, I am so very, very sorry to hear about your friend!!!! She was so young!!! That had to be so unexpected!!! Please don't feel guilty about not going to see her, I am sure she would not want you to feel that way. We all get busy sometimes. I am sure she understood. Please feel free to PM me or talk here to us about it anytime. My thoughts and prayers are with you and her family.
post #14 of 16
I am so sorry about the death of your friend. It is so hard to lose someone that you care about. I understand some of what your going through, my Mother passed away last month. I feel guilty that I didn't spend more time with her, didn't listen more to her, etc. I can't change that now with her, but I can try not to make the same mistakes with other family members and friends. But, we can't beat ourselfs up over it. I'm sure my Mother had the very same thoughts that I had when her Mother died. We get busy with our own lives, but when something like this happens, its a good time for me to reflect on what I need to change about myself so that I can be a better sister, aunt, friend. Be gentle with yourself and know we care.
post #15 of 16
We all feel really bad when someone we love dies, especially if we think we didn't do something we should have. You cannot feel guilty, think instead of all the wonderful memories you have with your friend and how much you loved her - she is close and remembering all the good things too. I hope you heal soon.
post #16 of 16

What a blow! I'm not going to be long winded here, as everyone has expressed it for the most part anyway. I am very very sorry about your loss.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Cat Lounge
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › this sucks!