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My heart is breaking

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
I don't remember exactly how it came up, but Jim told me this afternoon that he is dating someone. Lauren doesn't know, he says, but you know the divorce isn't even final. I'm so torn up too. I mean, I know we weren't going to get back together, but he's been emotionally out of our marriage (probably for close to 2 years he admits) and I'm not emotionally detached from him yet, so this really hurts.

What's worse, it's the lady he's renting his from. Apparently he ran into her and her son at Peter Piper Pizza with our daughter one night when he had visitation. Then he answered an add for a roommate in the newspaper and was oh so surprised to find out it was the same woman. A week ago he told me she was a lesbian because she played in a gay-and-lesbian soccer league. Today he told me that last thursday she locked her key in her car and he brought her the spare, she took him to dinner, and they, ahem, were intimate.

What's really scary about all this, is I'm a fool and even now if he came back and wanted to work it out, I'd do it. With the emphasis on working it out, not just boom everything's back to what it was. And I'm not sure I like my daughter going over there now. But I can't think of any way to stop visitation, even tho' I am vindictive enough to do that if I could. This really hurts.

Oh, and he said not to tell anyone so you must all keep this to yourselves. Yeah, like I'm not going to have to talk to someone about something like that.

My life so sucks right now and it feels like as soon as it gets to feeling kind of okay, something else comes along to kick me in the teeth. I can't stand it.
post #2 of 16
Oh Allison,

It really does get better honest. I remember back when my first husband took off with my best friend, and did a few other numbers on me too. I wanted to die, then I wanted him back, then I got angry and I even located where he had stashed our show van and since I still had my keys, I got in and I slashed the entire upholstery and everything. I was so young back then and so raw with emotion and just so unsure of everything. I had a friend come and stay with me, a female and she basically slapped me across the face (not literally) and we re-painted my house, and she got me involved in living again. I was slowly starving to death back then as well because I didn't want to live. I never thought I would be happy again.

But today, I am so happy with my new husband and family and there is a light out there gal, you just have to make your way forward and not look back. Hugs ((((((((())))))))))

I will look for that book by James Dobson in my library and send it to you when I find it. Some of my books have been packed because of remodeling. I still have your address somewhere.
post #3 of 16
Oh, Sunlion, I wish I could give you a big hug and reassure that it will get better, because it will.

I know how you feel, when my ex left me for another woman and was living with her before the divorce was final I felt so alone, unworthy, angry, every emotion that there is too feel. It just gets so overwhelming.

Just keep talking about it with us, with family, with friends and remember even if you feel alone your not, and with time it will get better. I didn't believe that either when people told me and I didn't know then, but I do now, that it was very important for people to keep telling me that. My heart goes out to you and you are in may prayers. Stay in contact.
post #4 of 16
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know how much it hurts, and how betrayed you must feel right now. If you feel you need to talk, not only am I sure every single one of us would welcome an email from you, every one of us supports you posting 1000 times a day if it helps. And I know every single one of us would do anything we could to help you.

You're in good company... a lot of us have been through similar situations. I don't know if I can offer any advice, but I can certainly offer an ear to listen.
post #5 of 16
I'm sorry you are hurting. I know everyone syas that this will pass, but it is the here and now you are dealing with and if it means anything to you, I am here for you. I wish I could give you more but all i can give you is my friendship and listening ear..I am here if you need me, just pm me and I'll give you my addy...
post #6 of 16
My best friend is going thru the exact same thing. Her and her hubby separated about 2 months ago ( they have twin daughters who are 5 years old ) and she just found last week he has already moved in with a woman. Its the same woman who he had an affair with 5 years ago! She is a wreck, and is hurting just like you.

I am so sorry Sunlion that you are going thru this. It will get better with time, and eventually you will also find another person to love. Be strong!
post #7 of 16
I am so sorry that you are going thru this Sunlion. I can't say I know what you are going thru, but I'll be an ear any time you need someone to listen to you. No matter what happens, you have many friends here who care for you and support you. I have faith that you will work thru this and become a stronger person because from what I can tell is that you are already strong - as strong as you have to be for your daughter. This is not an issue of you as a wife - it is an issue about your husband's lack as a husband. Keep in mind this is not your fault!
post #8 of 16

I'm so sorry you are having to face this. Not all of us can 100% relate to what you are going through, but we all care and want you to talk as much as you need to if it makes you feel better. I don't mean to be rude but right now he is being a fool. He is only thinking about himself and is not thinking how his actions are affecting his daughter and the mother of his daughter. Focus on your daughter as much as you can and don't let Jim pull you in to being his confidant. That is definitely not a role he needs to be putting on you with the current circumstances. He doesn't need to be telling you about his relationships unless it is going to affect your daughter, then you just need to know the minumum and not all the "details." We are here for you Allison so please use us as much as you need.


I just don't get it when we are newly separated why do the men need to tell us all about the "new" woman. This really gets me. These men obviously don't give a damn about us or they wouldn't leave. Then they feel they have to hurt us by informing us about the new woman! It's like they feel they have a right to hurt us!?!?
post #9 of 16
Thread Starter 
Actually, Jim and I are still legally married. We might be separated, but in theory we are supposed to be trying to work things out. What he did is adultery and it changes the face of the whole proceedings. Now I'm going to be looking seriously for a lawyer and he's going to be sorry. I would actually be angry if I had more energy and didn't feel like such a loser, so as far as I'm concerned, I'm just going to have to pay somebody to be angry for me. This is school vacation week, tho', so it's on hold until next week. I will not bring my daughter to a lawyer's office to discuss her father's failures. So even tho' it hurts, I'm so glad he decided to tell me.

FWIW, we were talking about our daughter and he was saying that his whole life was about her and his job (hah!). I said that it isn't reasonable for an adult who is only a part-time parent (which is both of us, since she does sleep at his house sometimes) to be limited to doing only what is appropriate for a parent with a child present, when the child is not there. When either of us is child-free, we should be able to act like single adults. So in that context, the issue of dating was brought up, and I think I might have been the one, I might have said something to the effect that it's not reasonable for him to think he won't date again until our daughter is almost an adult.

She spent the night at his house last night - that's a whole 'nother story - and he dropped her off while I was typing this. I got the key back from him, for Lauren I said, but mostly to keep him out. Anyway, he says to me, "Sorry about yesterday." I said, "Are you sorry you f***ed her?" He said, "I don't know." Now I'm not stupid, I know that means "I'm not sorry, but I don't want to say that because I don't want to make you mad." I am so mad and I really wish I could hate him but I don't. Hence the need for lawyer, a professional to hate him for me.
post #10 of 16
It is, in my opinion, because some men place more emphasis on sex than love. For a woman, sex is love, intimacy, sharing, caring, nurturing, it is in our chemistry to feel this way. Some men, have a more clinical approach to it. Quite simply, they want to get laid and not have the hassles that go along with it. In high school, one of my teachers has a saying that so applies. I can't remember who originally said it, but Mr. Crosson used to quote it all the time in psychology. "Boys give love to get sex, and girls give sex to get love."

It isn't about hurting us anymore, because how much more can they hurt us when they bail out on a committment of marriage. It is because they do not think about what is happening to us, it is simply self-gratification to them. I am by no means including all men in this explanation. I know there are many fine, wonderful and loving husbands and fathers out there who do not think this way.
post #11 of 16
Thanks! In case anyone was wondering my ex-boyfriend of 3 1/2 years did this to me. We weren't married (or even living together) but we had always said that we would get married after I graduated from college. I just can't understand how a human being could be so cruel.

Anyways didn't mean to make this about me. It's just that when Allison brought this up about her husband it reminded me of my experience and how I never got any closure because I couldn't understand why.

Allison, you hang in there and use us to talk all you need.
post #12 of 16
Hang in there Allison! Hopefully you will find closure with this soon enough.
post #13 of 16
I was just thinking how all of us who are suffering from divorce. We lose weight, start working out, get a haircut, etc, then when our ex's see us, they would regret it and ask for forgiveness. But we can tell them, "Sorry, you're too late! You should have loved me more when I wasn't as pretty as those supermodels."

I know that it won't work. I am not trying to get him back. I am trying to make him think that he should have tried more. Like that Cinderella(rock group)song,"Don't know what you got, til its gone."
post #14 of 16
Allison, my heart just goes out to you!!! I wish we lived closer so we could get together and go out for lunch or just chat. I am so sorry you are going through this, you don't deserve it. i know you still love him, but you will be SO much better off without him!!! You deserve to be happy!!! My prayers are with you, and If you ever need to talk, just let me know and I can PM you my phone number.
We are all here for you!
post #15 of 16
Allison - I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be so painful for you, and even worse as a mother to know that your child is going somewhere that you don't approve of. I'd mention this to the lawyer when you find one. It may affect the visitation rights if he's sleeping around when still married to you. Especially if he's living with that woman.

I just can't imagine. Please let me know if I can help out at all.
post #16 of 16
Thread Starter 
You know, as much as I weigh, every time I said something to him about it he said I was beautiful and it didn't matter to him. The day he moved out, I colored my hair. It was an accident of timing, I did it before he told me he was leaving. I had about 3 inches of gray but hadn't been able to afford the dye, and he didn't say a thing. I asked him later and he said he didn't notice, it wasn't important to him, he actually liked the gray hair. I have only 1 pair of jeans that fits me these days (I have a pair of jeans, a pair of capris, and a couple pairs of shorts, because he hasn't been able to find the money for me to buy clothes in 2 years and I have gained so much weight that my old stuff doesn't fit) but they were dirty and it was too cold for capris, so I tried on an old pair and they actually fit. We had family lunch today (more about that in another post) and he didn't say anything. I'm sure he didn't notice. I'm not trying to lose weight, I guess I'm just not eating? I didn't even notice . . .

Anyway, at the time I thought it was so sweet and supportive that my appearance didn't matter to him. Now it bothers me because it's probably a sign of how little he cared in general. Plus of course it would have felt good if he noticed the different pants. It's just my ego, if he'd noticed me before moving out things might have been different.

Anyway, I'm taking the kid to Souper Salad for dinner, I must get going.
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