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Tommrow should be interesting..

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
Steve called his kids tonight for thanks giving wishes. He spoke for me. Which I did not appreciate. As him and his daughter were speaking of her letter which has caused some trouble. He stated I wasnt mad. just hurt. I am both. And that I would have no trouble speaking with her. Maybe it sounds immature on my belhalf but I do not feel like it right now. But...since he told her I would. I can not make him out as a liar..as they have trouble right now as is. So..she has inisted on speaking with me. Tommrow. When steve calls her. She however stated "It would not be a plesant conversation" that..in its own bothers me. I will be an adult. And I will allow her to speak her mind. But if she gets disrecpectful to me. I have stated I will NOT allow it. I will say something about it. Not raise my voice, not meanly..but firmly. Which will no doubt not be appreciated by her. And will only turn all of this into a tail spin. and I am really just not sure what to do. Darned if I do..darned if I dont..you know?
post #2 of 19
Can I ask what exactly is her problem with you? (if you know!)
post #3 of 19
Thread Starter 
I dont know an exact problem. other than the fact that she blames things on me. IE her dad not calling enough (i tell him every day to call), dad not coming home for the holidays....so on and so forth. She is mad at him and taking it out on me. and calling me lovely names.
post #4 of 19
Well, I think you're right to let her have her say, but to also insist on her doing it respectfully. After all, respect your elders and all that! Good luck for tomorrow
post #5 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by KitEKats4Eva!
Well, I think you're right to let her have her say, but to also insist on her doing it respectfully. After all, respect your elders and all that! Good luck for tomorrow

Yeah she has already tread all over that one LOL but lets see if she does it to my face. She is worried I will yell at her. Which I wont. I am not a yeller..(ok..i did yell at the dogs today for eating my rolls..) She is allowed her feelings. Thats fine. Do I think its right she blame me. No. but they are HER feelings. And to her they are very very valid. And thats fine. But I just hope she can express them in a respectfull manner. That is really all I ask..dont think its to much
post #6 of 19
Hrmn - to be honest I'd hate to be having that conversation too Teenagers can be incredibly stubborn and they also tend to have no respect for their elders, because they know everything. If she tries to start on you, tell her that you won't allow it. Of course she is entitled to feel the way she does, but the thing with teenagers is that because of all their raging hormones etc, they can't actually rationalize and make sense of those feelings in her head. That one has been proven - I'd like to recall where I got that information from, but Nat Geo has SO many good documentaries........ if she is going to tell you how she feels, let her say her piece and then tell her how she makes you feel. Perhaps it will be a good thing to finally clear the air? Ask her if she misses her dad, why she writes those hurtful things when she knows that you're the one who takes care of her horse etc. Why does she slate you - she doesn't actually seem to know you, perhaps that's something to do with it? I'm also convinced that her mother is bitter about the divorce etc, and so she is venting her hurt, anger and frustrations through her daughter, which reall is NOT fair at all. I'm fairly certain her mother is filling her head with rubbish and poison, which needs to be stopped. Steve has to say something now too I think.

Anyway, I wish you the best - I really hope things work out Whichever way it goes, you can always come here and let off steam, or celebrate
post #7 of 19
you have basicly the right idea let her speak her mind but she must be respectful about it and hopefully she is
post #8 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilleKat
Hrmn - to be honest I'd hate to be having that conversation too Teenagers can be incredibly stubborn and they also tend to have no respect for their elders, because they know everything. If she tries to start on you, tell her that you won't allow it. Of course she is entitled to feel the way she does, but the thing with teenagers is that because of all their raging hormones etc, they can't actually rationalize and make sense of those feelings in her head. That one has been proven - I'd like to recall where I got that information from, but Nat Geo has SO many good documentaries........ if she is going to tell you how she feels, let her say her piece and then tell her how she makes you feel. Perhaps it will be a good thing to finally clear the air? Ask her if she misses her dad, why she writes those hurtful things when she knows that you're the one who takes care of her horse etc. Why does she slate you - she doesn't actually seem to know you, perhaps that's something to do with it? I'm also convinced that her mother is bitter about the divorce etc, and so she is venting her hurt, anger and frustrations through her daughter, which reall is NOT fair at all. I'm fairly certain her mother is filling her head with rubbish and poison, which needs to be stopped. Steve has to say something now too I think.

Anyway, I wish you the best - I really hope things work out Whichever way it goes, you can always come here and let off steam, or celebrate

I am sure her mother is part of it. Beside the fact shes remarried and such. Alex is not a teen just yet. but shes getting there. I am just frusterated by the whole thing. And not in the right frame myself to be dealing with it. But....he opened his big mouth :P which I let him have it about. that he should have asked me first.
post #9 of 19
Quote:
that he should have asked me first
Yeah, he should have. You guys need to present a united front, so that the kids can't use it against you.
Good luck with tomorrow!
post #10 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by pushylady
Yeah, he should have. You guys need to present a united front, so that the kids can't use it against you.
Good luck with tomorrow!

Well its gonna be today now..lol sometime after steve and I are both home from work...and after I make his butt shovel the side walk and cut down the sun shade from the dog kennel that is now covered in snow and could collapse the kennel..

I seem to recall telling him to cut that down waaayyy before it snowed...MEN lol
post #11 of 19
Personally, I'd take a tip from Dr. Phil. I'd tell her calmly that her relationship with her dad is between her and her dad and that if he doesn't call as often as she would like, that she must take that up with him and that you have reminded him to call and that other than that you cannot pick up the phone and dial it for him and force him to talk to her.

I would also let him know in no uncertain terms that his relationship with his daughter is between him and his daughter and that he must do what needs to be done to repair/strengthen that relationship. I would make sure he knows you support him in whatever decisions he makes but that ultimately you are only responsible for your own relationship with each of them individually. He may not like it initially, but he will respect you more for your stance in the long term as long as he knows you support and love him but don't want to be the middle man in his relationship with her.

Perhaps if she understands that you are not the one standing in between them in this relationship, she will have more respect for you and it may dissipate some of her anger.

I know myself that sometimes I try to be the middle man and make everyone happy and it just doesn't work very well. All that happens is that both the other parties lean on you and sort of use you as the "whipping boy" to avoid taking their own responsibilities. I used to do this whenever my husband had a problem with something our daughter did or didn't do and he would moan and rag on me about it and ask me to speak to her. I finally told him if he had a problem with her he had to address it with her and that I would address my problems directly with her. If it was a mutual problem for us then we would both address it with her.

OK - I'll jump down off the soapbox now - just my thoughts on how I would handle this.
post #12 of 19
All I can say is this. if I were having a problem with any of the stepkids (and I have 5) I would be talking only to them and not putting my feelings on such a public forum. Call me paranoid, but what if one of them happens to come across a post of mine where I let loose? What type of ill feelings would that create for not keeping it within the family? We are such a popular board that sometimes the less said, the better things are in the long-run.
post #13 of 19
I agree with Yosemite and tend toward going the way of the tenderhearted than the bitter and angry...
This is a child and though I don't the entire background, I know that she sees things and issues as a child. She sees a woman living with her daddy thousands of miles away.
Its very painful as a child to have to deal with this and its up to Steve to work on his communication with his daughter and make sure she knows that you have nothing to do with their unique bond Ie, that you can't make it nor break it.

Good luck.
post #14 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by hissy
All I can say is this. if I were having a problem with any of the stepkids (and I have 5) I would be talking only to them and not putting my feelings on such a public forum. Call me paranoid, but what if one of them happens to come across a post of mine where I let loose? What type of ill feelings would that create for not keeping it within the family? We are such a popular board that sometimes the less said, the better things are in the long-run.

I can respect your thoughts on that. But I honestly have no one else to talk to on this subject. My mother says "shes just being a kid take it" and Steve isnt much better on the topic. If for some reason she were to come upon the site...than I would be in my own "Hole" so to speak. The problem with taking it up directly with her is also they do not live with us. And thus far. Since the latest dish, Steve had been the only one speaking with her. And has not made any effort to give me the phone. Although I made two attempts at requesting it. I am aware this is a public board. But I also thought it was a place we could feel safe in speaking and seeking support. If she were to come across it, (which I highly doubt. They no longer have internet and her mom does not allow her any access to it.) than that would be my cross to bear. I have posted at my own risk. But have found more support here than my whole family combined.
post #15 of 19
Thread Starter 
I agree in theory with the tender hearted. I have done this. I know what its like to be in her shoes. My parents were divorced. I moved in with my father when my mother turned on me. But...things were not that much better there.The woman that lived with my father the whole time growing up. HATED ME. And I mean she just hated me. Several occassions she even told my dad, "Its me or her" You should never say that to someone about their kids. Now I had issues with my dad about that. And I took them up. they were solved. But even with as verbaly abusive as that woman was. And she didnt deserve it. I respected her as an adult. and did not sling any mud.

I agree it is up to Steve, and he is working on it.And I understand better than most what the pain is when dads with someone else. But I guess I can also not tolerate the disrepect and name calling. I have no ill will towards her. Shes a kid. and she is allowed her feelings. They are hers, and to her they are valid. As I stated before. But she is old enough to know the diffrence between the right way to express and the wrong. And with this call that takes place. Because she Asked to speak with me. And Steve said I would. (I will not make him out to be a liar) She can vent her feelings. But if it digresses to name calling, and rude comments towards me. As an Adult. I cant let that stand. I cant be the doormatt. To me its not ok.



(oo and psst not thousands of miles. Its only about 800 miles heh)
post #16 of 19
I like the Dr. Phil advice that Yosemite mentioned, step-parenting can be very tough (just ask my dad's second wife), I agree that it's the parent's responsibility to maintain a healthy family relationship. Good luck, and remember you are the adult.
post #17 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite
...sometimes I try to be the middle man and make everyone happy and it just doesn't work very well. All that happens is that both the other parties lean on you and sort of use you as the "whipping boy" to avoid taking their own responsibilities...
Amen! People often use me as a go-between or a marriage counselor -- and I love it when I can help, and I think I'm pretty good at it. But somehow, in the course of resolving their differences, the two parties often redirect their hostilities away from each other and onto ME. I think it's actually part of the healing process, albeit an unfair one. ~ sigh ~

So it may be that your husband's daughter is looking for excuses for her dad's behavior, because it's painful for her to think that he's anything less than perfect... and you're a very convenient scapegoat. If you think that may be the case, it might be best to talk it through with your husband and encourage HIM to handle it... because if YOU, of all people, tell her that you've reminded him, but her father just doesn't bother to call her as often as he should, well... that would be a no-win situation: Either she'd believe you, and be crushed to hear it -- or she'd think you were lying to try to turn her against her dad. Nothing good could come of that conversation!

I hope it's a better day than you expect... take care and good luck!
post #18 of 19
Thread Starter 
Ah well he didnt call tonight. so the day will be tommrow. *le sigh*
post #19 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite
Personally, I'd take a tip from Dr. Phil. I'd tell her calmly that her relationship with her dad is between her and her dad and that if he doesn't call as often as she would like, that she must take that up with him and that you have reminded him to call and that other than that you cannot pick up the phone and dial it for him and force him to talk to her.

I would also let him know in no uncertain terms that his relationship with his daughter is between him and his daughter and that he must do what needs to be done to repair/strengthen that relationship. I would make sure he knows you support him in whatever decisions he makes but that ultimately you are only responsible for your own relationship with each of them individually. He may not like it initially, but he will respect you more for your stance in the long term as long as he knows you support and love him but don't want to be the middle man in his relationship with her.

Perhaps if she understands that you are not the one standing in between them in this relationship, she will have more respect for you and it may dissipate some of her anger.

I know myself that sometimes I try to be the middle man and make everyone happy and it just doesn't work very well. All that happens is that both the other parties lean on you and sort of use you as the "whipping boy" to avoid taking their own responsibilities. I used to do this whenever my husband had a problem with something our daughter did or didn't do and he would moan and rag on me about it and ask me to speak to her. I finally told him if he had a problem with her he had to address it with her and that I would address my problems directly with her. If it was a mutual problem for us then we would both address it with her.

OK - I'll jump down off the soapbox now - just my thoughts on how I would handle this.
Very, very well said.
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