This woman..stoops even lower

scamperfarms · Nov 14, 2005

Well steve got a letter in the mail from his daughter today. Three actually. One was a fake. Written by the mother i am sure. I could tell right off the writting was very diffrent. and was like an adult trying to write like a kid. So that bugged the snot out of me. *sighs* she stoops lower and lower.

What really has me rattled is a letter that was written by Alex. She rips me up and down basicly. And that hurts. It hurts very much. She compared me to the second ex..and so on and so forth. than in the same breath, asks about her horse (which was purchased and all up keep done by me) and rips into me some more.

Steve says its their mother filling their heads with stuff......but it still hurts. I have fought tooth and nail and stuck up for them. I paid for his trip down to Indiana the last time he got to see them, and the time before that. I have lobbied to have them here for the holidays, and othertimes. Their mother has not allowed it. I am the one doing all the paperwork and court stuff for Steve. I am the one who buys all the presents and makes sure they are sent on time. And who reminds him to call his kids..

So how am I the bad guy?

pandybear · Nov 14, 2005

awwww,

your not the bad guy at all, i don't know the whole story but i hope it all works out for you.

felicia

squirtle · Nov 14, 2005

Just keep it up. When the kids grow up they will see a whole other side of the story. They are just kids right now and don't understand. They probably still have the feeling that if Daddy wasn't with you he would be with Mommy. They hold on to the same hope that all kids do, for Mommy and Daddy to be together. It's natural for them.

pandybear · Nov 14, 2005

Originally Posted by squirtle

Just keep it up. When the kids grow up they will see a whole other side of the story. They are just kids right now and don't understand. They probably still have the feeling that if Daddy wasn't with you he would be with Mommy. They hold on to the same hope that all kids do, for Mommy and Daddy to be together. It's natural for them.

my parents split up when i was young too but i never hated my stepmum, i was upset at her for a while and my mum doesn't really like her that much, she will sometimes say stuff about her, at first i believed her but now iv'e gotten to know my stepmum and i love her, she's very easy to talk to and most importantly, she makes my dad happy.

i guess you just have to realise that your parents can't just stay together because of you, if it isn't working then they need to move on and find someone that makes them happy.

i'm sure once these kids get older they will realise this.

try not to worry about it too much

, i know it must hurt.

felicia

scamperfarms · Nov 14, 2005

I know..it just hurts. when my parents divorced i knew mommy and daddy wouldnt ever be together. My dads girlfriends always treated me like crap. so i vowed i would never ever do the same. I have made big efforts. heck the money i used both times to send him to indiana was going to be for something for me. when i thought about it i knew i didnt need it as much as he needed to see them. but both of us could not afford to be off work. *sighs* it is just so hard. and it hurts so much. but what can you do? I have decided I am going to stop sticking my neck out. I will be nice, and thoughtfull as I have. but I cant keep going out on a limb..just to get shot down so badly....it hurts.

pandybear · Nov 14, 2005

I will be nice, and thoughtfull as I have. but I cant keep going out on a limb..just to get shot down so badly....it hurts.

i think that's a good idea, you have tried and as you said, put yourself out for them, now it's there turn.

you can still be nice without putting yourself out there so much.

i'm sorry you have to go through this, hsve you spoken to your husband about it at all?

squirtle · Nov 14, 2005

I went through all of this over the last 7 years. Things are great now but they weren't always. I did everything that you say you are and at the time it seemed like it was all for nothing. But it wasn't. One day they suddenly realize, and that's when it all counts. If you are commited to Steve your commited to his kids... I know it's hard, trust me. But the kids aren't going anywhere. Don't take this wrong please, but at this point in time it is more Steve's responsibility to be appreciative and supportive than it is the kids. This is hard for them and the mother makes it worse. They don't see everything that you do, and you can't hold it against them or allow it to take away from what you do for them. The horse, for example, I know that you made that all possible and you care for it every day. But she doesn't understand it that way. It's not her fault, she just isn't there. I think everything your doing has been great.

scamperfarms · Nov 14, 2005

Originally Posted by pandybear

i think that's a good idea, you have tried and as you said, put yourself out for them, now it's there turn.

you can still be nice without putting yourself out there so much.

i'm sorry you have to go through this, hsve you spoken to your husband about it at all?

Yes. And he says he has talked to her about it. Hes on the phone with her now so we shall see what happens with that. I told him that..he can tell her. She does not have to like me....I love her. but she does not have to like me...but she has to respect me as an ADULT

halfpint · Nov 14, 2005

Oh my goodness another thing we have in common, INDIANA that's where my hubby's x and his daughter live, we have been married 8 yrs, his daughter is 21 and due to have a baby anyday. When we first got married it seemed ok but then when we bought a brand new home and he got a new truck and I got a new car it started, the jelousey was unbeleiveable, His daughter would come here on vacation we would pay for that and everything else just as he always did, always supported her never failed on that at all, all of the sudden I was a Fuc**** bit** even had a call from his daughter saying she couldn't wait till I was a dead FB, she told her Mother I got everything and she didn't get anything

that is not true, they didn't realize that most of the stuff he wanted I had already had all the stuff being married for 32 yrs before, to say the least I have remained disenchanted with her, but I remain
cordial and that's about it, I guess they all didn't feel like he deserved a nice life, they used him so much up untill she was 18 it was sad and he never said a thing he just let them, but once the child support stopped we never heard from his x and very rarley his daughter only when she needs something, just grin and bare it, you don't have much of a choice, I have 3 grown daughters that would never treat him that way, or talk to him the way she did me, but I just figured it's his daughter let him do what he has to, yet like you I am the one that gets the BD gifts Christmas stuff, baby stuff, and she never even calls to say she got the crap, she's a spoiled brat and that's all there is to it. Also he only saw his daughter time a year as he spent 26 yrs in the navy and had been divorced from the timee she was 2 so go figure..

scamperfarms · Nov 14, 2005

Originally Posted by squirtle

I went through all of this over the last 7 years. Things are great now but they weren't always. I did everything that you say you are and at the time it seemed like it was all for nothing. But it wasn't. One day they suddenly realize, and that's when it all counts. If you are commited to Steve your commited to his kids... I know it's hard, trust me. But the kids aren't going anywhere. Don't take this wrong please, but at this point in time it is more Steve's responsibility to be appreciative and supportive than it is the kids. This is hard for them and the mother makes it worse. They don't see everything that you do, and you can't hold it against them or allow it to take away from what you do for them. The horse, for example, I know that you made that all possible and you care for it every day. But she doesn't understand it that way. It's not her fault, she just isn't there. I think everything your doing has been great.

Thank you. Thank you for your support. Really. I agree that Steve needs to be more thankfull for it. And he isnt. Which is something we have talked about. I have to push him to be appreciative...*sighs* its hard. I am comiited to him and his kids. I just wish I didnt have the baggage of their mother, AND his other EX to contend with. Its hard...I know what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. and I will always..keep trucking. but its just.hard sometimes

scamperfarms · Nov 14, 2005

Originally Posted by halfpint

Oh my goodness another thing we have in common, INDIANA that's where my hubby's x and his daughter live, we have been married 8 yrs, his daughter is 21 and due to have a baby anyday. When we first got married it seemed ok but then when we bought a brand new home and he got a new truck and I got a new car it started, the jelousey was unbeleiveable, His daughter would come here on vacation we would pay for that and everything else just as he always did, always supported her never failed on that at all, all of the sudden I was a Fuc**** bit** even had a call from his daughter saying she couldn't wait till I was a dead FB, she told her Mother I got everything and she didn't get anything

that is not true, they didn't realize that most of the stuff he wanted I had already had all the stuff being married for 32 yrs before, to say the least I have remained disenchanted with her, but I remain
cordial and that's about it, I guess they all didn't feel like he deserved a nice life, they used him so much up untill she was 18 it was sad and he never said a thing he just let them, but once the child support stopped we never heard from his x and very rarley his daughter only when she needs something, just grin and bare it, you don't have much of a choice, I have 3 grown daughters that would never treat him that way, or talk to him the way she did me, but I just figured it's his daughter let him do what he has to, yet like you I am the one that gets the BD gifts Christmas stuff, baby stuff, and she never even calls to say she got the crap, she's a spoiled brat and that's all there is to it. Also he only saw his daughter time a year as he spent 26 yrs in the navy and had been divorced from the timee she was 2 so go figure..

Why is it us women who always have to step up and be good?..and get pooed on.

MoochNNoodles · Nov 14, 2005

That really stinks. My mother is a very underappreciated step-mother, and my step-mother, well she wasn't the best. I understand somewaht were you are comming from with my own mother's frustrations. Only for you the yucky stuff isn't comming from the kids directly.

I'm with Felicia, stick with it and they will see as they get older.

I also say that they need to respect you, as they should all adults. I think for that to happen, thier Dad needs to set down some words. With thier mother though, it will be more difficult. When my step-siblings were younger, my step-father would say to them 'that's my wife! And you will not destroy my marriage!' Seems harsh, but looking back they really did need to be told that. I don't know the entire story, but if I were Steve, I'd make myself as involved as possible. Looks better to the courts and the kids. (and is not so good for the mom)

squirtle · Nov 14, 2005

Originally Posted by ScamperFarms

Thank you. Thank you for your support. Really. I agree that Steve needs to be more thankfull for it. And he isnt. Which is something we have talked about. I have to push him to be appreciative...*sighs* its hard. I am comiited to him and his kids. I just wish I didnt have the baggage of their mother, AND his other EX to contend with. Its hard...I know what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. and I will always..keep trucking. but its just.hard sometimes

It is hard. I can't tell you how many times I was in tears over it. I can tell you that it gets better. I am not saying it will stay that way, seeing as how at some point he will be a teenager

But I have learned that you just have to be there for them, constantly. It is harder for you to establish a relationship with them because they live away and you can't see them. We have always been lucky enough to get his son very often and I was able to build a relationship with him early. I would do anything for that kid and he knows it. I love the relationship we have and all of the effort was very well worth it

It gets hard at times knowing that I don't really have any sort of "say so" in things. But my fiance helps in that department and as I mentioned to you before, his mom has even come around and her and I get along well enough to be able to communicate when it comes to him. That was work!

scamperfarms · Nov 14, 2005

Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles

That really stinks. My mother is a very underappreciated step-mother, and my step-mother, well she wasn't the best. I understand somewaht were you are comming from with my own mother's frustrations. Only for you the yucky stuff isn't comming from the kids directly.

I'm with Felicia, stick with it and they will see as they get older.

I also say that they need to respect you, as they should all adults. I think for that to happen, thier Dad needs to set down some words. With thier mother though, it will be more difficult. When my step-siblings were younger, my step-father would say to them 'that's my wife! And you will not destroy my marriage!' Seems harsh, but looking back they really did need to be told that. I don't know the entire story, but if I were Steve, I'd make myself as involved as possible. Looks better to the courts and the kids. (and is not so good for the mom)

Doesnt sound harsh at all. In fact it sounds like what needs to be said in this instance...steve is not commanding enough with it. In his whole phone conversation he did not say once that I should be respected as an Adult..just kept saying I am not a bad person...*le sigh*

squirtle · Nov 14, 2005

Are you able to see the kids? I thought I remembered that the mom was making it hard. Have you ever been able to spend any one on one time with them?

scamperfarms · Nov 14, 2005

Originally Posted by squirtle

It is hard. I can't tell you how many times I was in tears over it. I can tell you that it gets better. I am not saying it will stay that way, seeing as how at some point he will be a teenager

But I have learned that you just have to be there for them, constantly. It is harder for you to establish a relationship with them because they live away and you can't see them. We have always been lucky enough to get his son very often and I was able to build a relationship with him early. I would do anything for that kid and he knows it. I love the relationship we have and all of the effort was very well worth it

It gets hard at times knowing that I don't really have any sort of "say so" in things. But my fiance helps in that department and as I mentioned to you before, his mom has even come around and her and I get along well enough to be able to communicate when it comes to him. That was work!

Ugh..I hope it gets better cause this is hurtfull.

scamperfarms · Nov 14, 2005

Originally Posted by squirtle

Are you able to see the kids? I thought I remembered that the mom was making it hard. Have you ever been able to spend any one on one time with them?

not as of yet. the mother is making it impossible. hopefully the paperwork for contempt of vistiation will help with that

squirtle · Nov 14, 2005

Originally Posted by ScamperFarms

not as of yet. the mother is making it impossible. hopefully the paperwork for contempt of vistiation will help with that

I agree with the others to some extent that kids have to be taught to respect adults as adults. His son, even when he was very young had respect. It was never about that. It was about establishing a close relationship with him, since I plan to be around for a long time

To be honest having to actually earn his love, respect, and trust means more to me than if it was forced.... if that makes sense.

Hang in there, I really hope it all works out. If the visitation thing gets all worked out just take it one step at a time. Don't set your expectations too high and don't try to rush things. Take it slow and let them get comfortable.

Your doing great and Steve is so lucky to have someone so supportive.

scamperfarms · Nov 14, 2005

Originally Posted by squirtle

I agree with the others to some extent that kids have to be taught to respect adults as adults. His son, even when he was very young had respect. It was never about that. It was about establishing a close relationship with him, since I plan to be around for a long time

To be honest having to actually earn his love, respect, and trust means more to me than if it was forced.... if that makes sense.

Hang in there, I really hope it all works out. If the visitation thing gets all worked out just take it one step at a time. Don't set your expectations too high and don't try to rush things. Take it slow and let them get comfortable.

Your doing great and Steve is so lucky to have someone so supportive.

I keep telling him that

halfpint · Nov 14, 2005

steve is not commanding enough with it. In his whole phone conversation he did not say once that I should be respected as an Adult..just kept saying I am not a bad person...*le sigh*[/quote]

My Hubby also never stuck up for me either, but he is a person who will not agure or speak up at all, I even ask him does it not bother you that she never says Thank you for anything, and he said he never really thought about it

Gads who wants to prompt a 17 yr old or a 21 yr old to say Thanks isn't that just called manners

This woman..stoops even lower

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