Disappointed...

My friend and I have known each other forever, always said we were best friends, and I thought, until very recently.

I believe that I have stayed the same, with my ridiculous sense of humour, my overactive imagination. We both used to laugh at the same things, tell stories about the same things and would just play for hours.

But the last weekend has made me open my eyes to how she really is. And I must say it is quite upsetting.

She is a month away from becoming a doctor. And will start working in the emergency department as the in house surgeon. And ever since she is going to be working in a well paid job, she has become so critical. I couldnt believe the stuff that was coming out of her mouth.

Take for example, we were talking about a mutual friend, and that friend works in a call centre and my friend was saying things like "I don't understand why she would want a job instead of a career?!" I felt like shooting back and saying, "not everyone wants a career!" I felt that she was judging people by where they work. I discussed this with my dad when I came home as I was feeling really down about it - Dad and I both feel that no matter where someone works, they are still doing something for the greater good. For example, one person may work in a factory making nuts and bolts but people don't realise that without those people who make them, then things that we have wouldn't be possible, and so on. I don't like to judge people upon their careers. I like to judge them upon their character and how they treat others.

Also this friend has become SO judgemental! I was shocked how bad it has gotten. There was an old man sitting next to me at the Rocky Horror - probably about 70s and was harmless by the looks of it, he was just sitting there and whenever he looked at me, he smiled and I smiled back. There are lots of Rocky fans, no matter how old they are. Anyway, she kept saying how he was a dirty old man. Even though she wasnt saying that to his face or anything, I still felt really bad for him and so I was nice to him. And she would say things like "Oh my gosh, she is so fat!' which I didnt like to hear cos I have gained quite a bit of weight since I went to the US and am trying to lose.

Thanks for letting me vent, I am just feeling sad that my friend has changed so much, or maybe I have changed so much that I feel more compassion for others. I don't know. I just hope that I am not wrong in feeling this way. So sorry that this is long!

Kellye, it's always disappointing when someone we love lets us down.

Although it is hard to believe, I'm sure your friend is still the same girl underneath, but is at a very stressful time in her life at the moment. I work for a doctor, and I know the kind of pressures they are under. They have to make snap judgements and decisions, and I guess until you've got that under your belt and are more experienced at it, it will cross over into your personal life, too.

I can see why doing medicine may make you more judgemental and critical - it is part of the job, and it's very hard to separate real life from work when you are a doctor - particuarly almost a doctor!

If she is your best friend, can you talk to her about this? Tell her that you care for her and yet lately she seems to have changed. Ask her if she is under a lot of stress and does she realise that she's becoming quite judgemental and it's making you uncomfortable. She probably has no idea and would be horrified to learn how she's been acting!

It's not easy but it is up to friends - particularly close friends - to give us a wake-up call sometimes. And if she's a good friend who trusts your judgement and opinion she will probably appreciate the talk.

Good luck

Things like that can decay a friendship into nothing. It's sad when you realize that a friend's behavior could have a negative impact on the overall friendship like that. Do you see yourself spending less time with that friend Kellye?

Its not about the stress per se - its more like all she cares about social status and money. She basically said "I get paid s***loads of money to do nothing." That kind of thing makes me wonder about the real reason she is becoming a doctor - is it for the social status or for the money or for caring about the patients? I mean she doesn't say things that are very compassionate towards people and it just floors me.

Ryan - nope, I don't see myself spending more time with her in the future. She keeps talking about all these plans that she will do with me as time goes by but I think she wlil be surrounding herself with other "professionals" and people with social status.

Yeah, maybe I will say something to her, but I don't know if I will. Because lately when I do talk, she doesn't listen to me anymore. I think she likes the sound of her own voice these days.

I am so sorry to hear this Kellye. Sometimes life takes us all on different paths, and we drift apart from those we consider dear to us. I agree that if this is a friendship that you value dearly then you should talk to her about it. Not that this would be easy but probably something that needs to be done.
Unfortunatly though talking to her wont change her opinions and its at times like these that we sometimes must accept the different directions we are all heading in, hard as that may be.

Good luck with this Kellye, I have just been through a similar experience with my 'best' friend and its not an easy road... pm me if you wish to chat

xoxo

Originally Posted by KitEKats4Eva!

It's not easy but it is up to friends - particularly close friends - to give us a wake-up call sometimes. And if she's a good friend who trusts your judgement and opinion she will probably appreciate the talk.

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I agree to this to a degree - but unfortunatly they need to want to know. It doesnt sound to me that Kellye's friend wants to know, or if she did, wouldnt see the issue with it

I can understand your disappointment, Kellye. I wonder whether your friend was always that way, and you're just seeing her from a different perspective because you were away for so long and have experienced so much in the meantime, or whether her medical studies have gone to her head. If the latter is the case, perhaps it's just a passing phase.
Some friendships seem to last a lifetime, while others don't, because we grow in different ways.

Originally Posted by Kiwideus

Its not about the stress per se - its more like all she cares about social status and money. She basically said "I get paid s***loads of money to do nothing." That kind of thing makes me wonder about the real reason she is becoming a doctor - is it for the social status or for the money or for caring about the patients? I mean she doesn't say things that are very compassionate towards people and it just floors me.

Ryan - nope, I don't see myself spending more time with her in the future. She keeps talking about all these plans that she will do with me as time goes by but I think she wlil be surrounding herself with other "professionals" and people with social status.

Yeah, maybe I will say something to her, but I don't know if I will. Because lately when I do talk, she doesn't listen to me anymore. I think she likes the sound of her own voice these days.

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That really sucks Kellye, but I think we're all glad that your thread wasn't titled: "How can I be more like my friend?"

That's incredibly sad, Kellye, but think about it - it's much better you found out now, rather than a harder way later on. I'd be wholly disappointed if I any friend of mine let me down. Truthfully, I find it difficult to make new friends, and even more truthfully, I tend to be really careful about who I let really close to me. I have two people outside of my mother and brother, that I have let get close enough to understand the very inner workings of me - my best friend Vicky, and the love of my life, Rune. I'm prefectly happy like that, because I know neither of them judge me for the things I've done in my life, or where I am now, or what I may plan to do in the future.

I don't understand how someone could suddenly become so judgemental and so obsessed with her own status within social circles... but maybe this has been her real self just lurking under the surface. It's amazing the personality change money can create.

I'd be upset too, if I were in your position - but Ryan is right - WE'RE all glad it isn't YOU who is turning into this monster!!

Originally Posted by jcat

I can understand your disappointment, Kellye. I wonder whether your friend was always that way, and you're just seeing her from a different perspective because you were away for so long and have experienced so much in the meantime, or whether her medical studies have gone to her head. If the latter is the case, perhaps it's just a passing phase.
Some friendships seem to last a lifetime, while others don't, because we grow in different ways.

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Kellye, I was reminded when I read your post, and as I read replies like Tricia's, of a piece I received a long while ago...

ARE YOU A REASON, A SEASON, OR A LIFETIME?


Pay attention to what you read. After you read this, you will know the reason it was sent to you! People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.


When someone is in your life for a REASON. . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.



Then people come into your life for a SEASON. Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.



LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.



Thank you for being a part of my life.

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It seemed to fit the situation. I haven't any advice for you, but having seen more than one friendship I thought was forever take a different direction, I know how upsetting it is. to you.

Thanks guys. I don't know what I will do yet but either way, in time, I will figure it out when the time is right. Thanks for letting me vent out my feelings.

She was always picky about people and their looks but never was so mean. And before she became a med student, she didn't care about social status and money. Sometimes I wonder if she has enough compassion about people to work with them in a more caring way that a doctor should. I think I am glad that my sister is a nurse, she is certainly more compassionate LOL.

But I have my son to focus on as I have missed out on a lot and my hubby when he comes - those are my priorities.

Fran, that is a good one. I guess it is a season, not a lifetime friendship, which is what I thought it would be. As I have gotten older, I have actually matured a lot BUT I still have my silly sense of humour and dorky personality. I just feel more empathy for more people. I even feel bad that I am talking about her here But I do need to talk and its good to get other people's perspectives.

hunny, I am so sorry to hear this. Sometimes when you drift towards a greater good in your heart and your deepest values.....and another drifts slightly apart from what is "good"...then the space between becomes all too wide to see.....

I am sorry to hear about your situation..I hope it will improve. Maybe you can try talking to her about the way she is acting.

Originally Posted by jcat

I can understand your disappointment, Kellye. I wonder whether your friend was always that way, and you're just seeing her from a different perspective because you were away for so long and have experienced so much in the meantime, or whether her medical studies have gone to her head. If the latter is the case, perhaps it's just a passing phase.
Some friendships seem to last a lifetime, while others don't, because we grow in different ways.

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I hope it is just a passing phase. I am a nurse, and have seen many doctors who are fat jerks, just because everyone thinks they are THE DOCTOR, so no one tells them when they are being jerks. Think about it, if you never get feedback from others, you would end up kinda weird, too. To me, the best asset a doctor (or any other "important" figure) can have is a true friend to help them keep their perspective.

I would give this relationship some time. Hopefully, it is just a phase, and in time she will be willing to take constructive criticism from you. Maybe the relationship will cool down for now, but hopefully in the long run you will remain close.

The next time you are together, you will be expecting some of this, so can give her some comebacks, and help her remember that we are all naked under our clothes!

IMO it is part of the training. I've met very few doctors who don't have that "I am God" complex. They somehow need to reinforce to anyone who'll listen how wonderful they are. Yup - right! My sister-in-law is a geriatric nurse and a loving, caring individual and she agrees a lot of the doctors she has to deal with are total jacka**es. On the other hand I've had occasion to meet a few who were absolutely wonderful human beings but they are rare.

Beckiboo and Yosemite - I hope thats all that it is. Grr that was a hard sentence to type LOL! I really hope she doesnt get the God complex - I too have met arrogant doctors but have also met some of the nicest, kindest doctors ever, one in particular in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, and she was the most caring, kindest doctor I have ever met. I have never forgotten her.

One day, I will tell her what I am feeling and hope that she does see what I mean. But for right now, I just need my space.

Thanks again! I feel better!

I am so sorry. Fwiw, I met very few first year residents who didn't seem to change 180 degrees by the time they were a 4th year. The training seemed to beat their best qualities out of them - the fatigue, the mind games of some of the attendings, incredible political pressures within the field.

I specifically remember one almost tearfully saying something to me one day about a situation, one he couldn't control...and I told him, "No, you can't control that situation or those involved, but you can control how you react to it." He really took that to heart, and I like to think it helped him a bit.

My most favorite docs were those very rare ones who I worked with from 1st year through to becoming an attending, who didn't change, who had true compassion, a gentle touch, who didn't abuse the nurses, or make use of their "status".

I am so sorry for your friend, she's going to lose the best of herself, as well as you as a friend.

Kellye, I was discussing your post in general terms with my husband this evening. He's been an RN for the past decade (and my sister has been one for over twenty years). When I told him your friend was going to be an emergency surgeon, his comment was, "That should bring her back down to earth!" Maybe you can hope for the best?

Often people who work in highly stressful occupations where they're responsible for someone else's life and well-being - such as doctors and police officers - can develop a siege mentality. They see themselves as the good guys who make all the decisions and do everything right, because indeed that's the responsibility that's forced on them. Unfortunately it can also give them a skewed attitude of the people they deal with, and they can get judgmental. They start seeing their patients as cases to process, instead of seeing them as real human beings... because emotion often isn't encouraged or supported in the medical profession.
I think emergency medicine is especially tough - it is often populated by people who are "cowboys" who thrive on adrenaline and calling the shots. These are qualities that maybe serve them well as emergency physicians, but don't necessarily make them good at being someone's friend. It doesn't help that physician training programs are often pretty brutal. It takes a certain kind of person to get through it with their soul intact.

Friends do grow apart, sometimes temporarily and sometimes permanently. If you aren't ready to write this person off yet, maybe you could just move her to the "B" list or the "C" list, and keep the door open.

Thanks for the further advice about her becoming an emergency surgeon - I agree. Unfortunately, she is the kind of person who panics easily LOL. So I don't know what is going to happen. I sure hope it brings her down. When we missed the plane home last monday, she was in a panic about things like "we will miss the plane!" "we will have to pay a lot of money to get another plane home!" "I have to stop at the petrol station cos theres still a little bit of petrol to fill up in the tank to make sure its totally full!" and those things.
I had to keep saying "Breathe K, Breathe!!!!!! there is nothing you can do about these, move on, and yes there is enough petrol in the tank to return it to the rental place (it was still full!)" LOL. I am pretty much relaxed when it comes to things, I try and avoid high stress situations and so I think I was pretty calming to myself but it didn't work for her LOL. Oh well.

Time will tell.