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I need advice!

post #1 of 30
Thread Starter 
Help! I don't know what to do...

Here's the situation. First of all I am 19 and my husband is 20. My husband wants to go to a strip club with some of his guy friends from work. (One of the guys is married and the other one isn't) At first when he told me, I got really mad and was crying and I told him that he couldn't go because I didn't want him too. He asked me one time before if he could go and I told him yes after we argued about it. ( this was early on in our relationship, and he didn't end up going that time when I told him that he could go.)

Now he says that his friend who is married will bring his wife and he will bring me if we want to come...I don't really have any interest in going to a strip club though (and this one is a totally nude strip club), but I don't know if I am just jealous because I don't like the thought of the dancers throwing themselves at him and dancing all up on him???

I really don't know what to do...I know that if I go with him that I will probably get mad when he cheers and yells at the stripers. So, I don't know if I'm just being unfair and selfish to not let him go since he's never been to one and all of his guy friends have? Or maybe that strip clubs aren't really as bad as I think they are?

Any advice would be great! Thanks everyone for listening...I know that this is a long post.

post #2 of 30
I'm sure there are those that will agree with me, and those that disagree, but I personally find the idea of a married man going to a strip club repulsive. I can't stand the argument "Well, I can still look".

In my humble opinion, (and remember this is only my opinion!), him going to a strip club shows a lack of respect towards you.

Don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't be jealous. You can't help how you feel. After all, this is the man that promised to love and honor YOU, not the women at the strip club.

Okay! Let the flaming begin!
post #3 of 30
I agree with Jin & Spawn
I'm 25 & married & wouldn't let my husband go to a strip club either ..... the same with me: he wouldn't let me go to one either. Would you want her skanky girl to give your hubby a lapdance? Personally, I wouldn't. I think that you are not jealous, and don't let your husband or anyone else tell you that.
post #4 of 30
This is a tough one...but anything to do with relationships is! I think that part of the issue is that both of you are so young. However, some of it has to do with the fact that sometimes a guy just wants to be part of the pack. I've known plenty of people beyond their 20s who went through the same thing. I have to say that the word "pig" comes to mind.
Have you asked your husband why he and his friends chose an all nude strip club for their night out? I see that you're in the burbs of CHI...I'm sure there are other things to do there! Also, since your husband is under age, there should be no alcohol involved to add fuel to the fire (well, no alcohol in a perfect world). That could be a small consolation. If your husband goes to the club, perhaps mention to him that you do *not* want to be informed by the police that he is awaiting you in jail and needs bail money!
Does your husband know you so well that he thinks that even though he invited you, you wouldn't go? Or, is his offer genuine? I went to a club once with my SO (more than you needed to know about me, I know) but it wasn't as revealing as the club you're talking about. Also, we did it sort of as a joke when were on a trip. I wasn't really bothered by the place but I think it was pretty tame compared to places I had heard about. I was one of the few non-working women in there. As soon as my SO went off to the loo, one of the older strippers came over to me and tried to get me to move closer to the stage. Maybe they get bored of dealing with men all night long. Sheesh. Anyhow, you could always give it a try...maybe this will give you some peace of mind since you'd be right there, but it would still give your husband a chance to sow his wild oats (so to speak). BUT, if you are uncomfortable about going, don't force yourself to go.
You and your husband should try to be at a place in your relationship where you trust each other regardless of circumstances. If my SO went to a strip joint with his friends now, I wouldn't exactly be happy, but I wouldn't have any worries about him getting too cozy with a stripper.
After telling your husband you didn't want him to go, what did he say? Maybe you need to formulate your reasons for not wanting him to go, and then see what his responses are. Again, ask him why he feels the need to go to a strip club for 'entertainment.'
I hope this gives you a good starting point for more thought. It's always difficult for me to help someone out without a 'real time' conversation. Hmm...actually, if you want to chat, I have a Yahoo IM & AOL (AIM) ID that I can give to you. Let me know.
Good luck!
post #5 of 30
I can understand your feelings but I think that it's ok if your husband goes. Here's why I say that.....First, if both of you are honest with one another, it shouldn't matter if he goes to the club. Now I mean going occassionally not every week. Second, if you start telling him that he can't do things no matter what they may be he will resent you. You just need to communicate with each other about your feelings and respect each other. He might not like it after he goes....right now it might just be an exciting idea of what it could be. Or I could be wrong and he might like it.....you'll never know unless he goes. These are just my two cents. I hope you and your husband come to an agreement. Good luck.
post #6 of 30
If you let your husband go to this club against your wishes then chances are in a future arguement this issue will raise it's ugly head and words will be thrown around and people will be hurt. If you put you foot down and tell him under no circumstances can he go, then in a future arguement this too could cause problems. If you go against your will (and it sounds to me in your post that you really don't want to go) then that too can be used in the future. It is a no-win situation anyway you look at it. If he goes alone, you will be mad, you will be wondering, and if he comes home really late, you will be suspicious. If he stays home against his will, he will be upset with you. Do you see where this is going?

I would do this. I would tell him that whatever he thinks one of the girls at the club could offer him, you could offer him much more. Make it your own private evening, the two of you, put on music light candles and just be with each other. Perhaps that will be the glue that will hold him home like you want him to be, but if he goes, then just realize that it is one moment in time, and the two of you have promised for better or worse. There are compromises that always have to be made in a marriage and hopefully you will find a way to compromise with this situation. At least he is honest with you and not sneaking off and saying he is elsewhere. Good luck
post #7 of 30
not to sound rude, but if your hubby wants to go to a strip club, then tell him he can if you can...being a brat that i can be I tell my fiance' that he can go and then i am going to one as well, it usualy ends up that he doesn't go and i don't either but that is the witch(with a b) approach and I don't want you and your hubby to end up in a fight. i just wanted you to see things from the reverse psych theory... my bad sorry.....
post #8 of 30
Jugen has a point, too!
post #9 of 30
Sarah, I have to agree that I would be furious if my hubby went - or even wanted to!! I totally agree with Jin - I find it repulsive, not that Im having a go at Mika or saying that there is something wrong, but I would just feel so insulted. I would try talking to him and REALLY explaining how it makes you feel, try to give an example of how he would feel if it were him in the same situation, he'll probably say he wouldn't mind - but believe me, he would and he'll think about it. Maybe you could suggest going someplace else seeing as the wives are going aswell - you can still have a great time somewhere not so offensive.
Hope you work it out hun... all the best!
post #10 of 30
My husband would never even dream of going. Hell no. He knows that I would flip out ( and he actually doesn't like them, he never even went when we were not together ), and he says its disprespctful. Maybe its just immaturity....I think at 20 there is no way they can be mature at that age.

With age he'll change I bet.
post #11 of 30
My hubby & his friends go once a year to a strip club after their Christmas luncheon. It doesn't bother me at all. I trust him implicitly. I know if I asked him not to go he wouldn't, but it has been a yearly tradition since before I met him. It is a male bonding thing. He never sits near the stage & mostly he just chats with the other guys & drinks beer. Personally I am not fond of the clubs, but if he wants to unwind that way once a year he can. If it starts to become more frequent then it will be up for discussion again.
post #12 of 30
At least he isn't sneaking off and going, and he's not lying to you about it.... you gotta give him that. I don't see a problem with it IF you are secure in your relationship - who cares? Is he gonna run off w/one of them or something? I don't think so..... If you are confident in your relationship, I would just blow it off. Then, the next time a friend of yours gets married, you can go see the male strippers!!!:tounge2: :tounge2: :tounge2: WEEEEEE
post #13 of 30
I've been married for 10 years now, and I still would tell my hubby no if he asked me (thankfully that's one thing that hasn't come up). There are plenty of other places for guys to go to shoot the bull. How about a sports bar? I would just feel really uncomfortable knowing my husband spent the night looking at other women who were naked. And I'm secure in our relationship, but the thought of it is just repugnant to me.

However, I think the best thing you can do in this instance (as Hissy pointed out it's a no win situation) is this. Without being angry or yelling or anything (requires some good acting skills I'm sure), tell him how his going to the strip club will make you feel. Be honest with him. Then let him make his own decision. Hopefully he'll choose your feelings over his, but if he doesn't, remember that it's not the end, and he is young and will hopefully outgrow this behavior.

Good luck, this is a really tough situation.
post #14 of 30
Thread Starter 
Well, I've thought about it and I agree with some parts of what everyone had to say. I am not worried about him doing anything bad or anything. Our relationship is based strongly on communication and honesty, so I know that he would not go without asking me first. He doesn't drink, and besides there is no alcohol served at this strip club, so I know that he won't do anything stupid.

I think that I am going to go ahead and let him go this once, because if I don't let him go then I know that this issue will come up again sometime in the future. Also, I am going to go with him so I can see what it is like. He really would like me to come, if I want too...he's not just asking me because he knows I won't go. Maybe then it won't be as bad as I think. I am going to have to try really hard not to get mad or jealous when the strippers come by him and when he puts money in their thong or something. I just don't want them to come over by me lol...that would really make me uncomfortable.

And one last thing...I know that he wouldn't go if I told him that I didn't want him too, so I don't have anything to worry about. Thanks everyone for all of your advice! It really helped me in making my decision.
post #15 of 30
I'm glad that you've figured things out.
You know, there's no rule that says your hubby has to touch the merchandise. If the dancers are all nekked, I don't want to know where the money goes . Actually, I believe they wear garters to hold money.
I'm sure you'll be just fine. Treat it like you're dealing with horses or dogs - don't let them sense that you're afraid and you'll be fine .
post #16 of 30
Thread Starter 
Thanks Vikki! So I know what I am going to wear...something kind of nice and a little bit sexy...so my hubby won't be focusing ALL of his attention on the girls I guess that I will just have to deal with everything and hope that they don't come by me...I will feel pretty embarrased if they try to dance by me...like you said, they sometimes get sick of all the guys.

We are only going to be there for about 2 hours or so because we are going next Tuesday after I get off work (5pm) and Mika has to leave at 10pm for work. I'll let everyone know what happens...
post #17 of 30
What is it about some men that they just have to keep looking? I used to answer phones at a car dealership when I was in college, and you know that's like 98% guys. Mostly it was the young single guys who did that kind of thing, and often the divorced guys would go but I don't think they were as much into it, and the older married guys didn't go to those places. I don't know about the younger married guys, they didn't hang with me when they were getting their messages so I didn't get to know any of them terribly well. So I think a bunch of it is age. And since you are youngish for being married, probably most of your husband's friends are still single and he wants to hang with them. It's easy to say "they could find something else to do" but if it's a group of your friends and they all want to go, it's harder to do something else.

I also don't understand the whole "bring your girlfriend" thing. I don't know, when I was growing up, strip clubs were tacky and seedy and women didn't go. Here in Dallas, they are everywhere, they call the nicer ones "men's clubs", they advertise on billboards, and I know several women who've gone with tehir boyfriends. I think it's strange. Are women supposed to be titillated by other naked women? Jealous? Available so he won't pay someone? Are there sometimes male performers, like Chippendale's? (never went there myself, not much of a watcher I guess)

Jim had a thing for Hooters, kept insisting it was the chicken wings, but esp. as a fat person I was acutely aware of the young girls in tight clothes. He kept saying it was a family place and he's seen couples with children in there, but at no point did I feel comfortable about the whole thing. Maybe I'm repressed but it bothered me. He knew it, too, but figured that if he went with a friend and didn't take me that it wasn't a big deal. Guess that was a symptom of a larger problem . . .

Anyway, if you're comfortable with it, sounds like you've worked it out. I'd be interested to know why he wants to go, because if it was me, that would probably make a difference in how I felt.
post #18 of 30
Thread Starter 
I think that the two main reasons that he wants to go are 1) he hardly ever hangs out with just a bunch of guys, so now is his chance and 2)he has never been to one and all of his other friends have.
post #19 of 30
See, now, I think that's probably harmless and completely understandable. Okay, degrading to women etc. and possibly insulting to you (if you happen to feel insulted). But I think, I wouldn't have a problem letting him go.

Obviously, I'm hardly the person be giving marital advice at this point! But it seems safe enough.
post #20 of 30
There has been a lot of talk about what you should or should not "let" your husband do. As someone who was in a relationship with an alcoholic for some time, I can tell you that you do not ever "let" anyone do anything. They choose for themselves, and you either accept it and stay, or you do not, and leave.
When I figured this out, my life immediately became easier. There was no more fighting, no more whining (on my part), and no more resentment. When he did something I didn't like (came home drunk), I simply sat down on the edge of the bed, and looked at myself in the mirror, and asked myself out loud "Lindsay, can you live with this?" Asking it out loud clarified it a lot for me. The answer to the question was "Yes" until the night he hit me. Then it was "no" and I knew it before I asked.
I'm glad you made your decision, but don't be under the illusion that you are letting your husband go. He's a big boy, and you're a grown up too. Make your own choices, and trust your husband to make his. You will know when he makes one you can't deal with.
Best of luck.
post #21 of 30
Well, I know this issue has already been resolved, and I am glad.....but I still have to add my 2 cents worth...

If my hubby wanted to go to a strip club...I would freak out. He would never let me go to one, (with men, of course) and I guess in my opinion, if he isn't satisfied with just seeing me naked, then he shouldn't be married to me. I had a friend who was a stripper, and I know what goes on at these places, and I would consider it as good as cheating if my hubby went, after I asked him not to.

I have friends who disagree and say, "well, when my hubby goes to a strip club, he comes home all *orny and we have a great time"
Well excuse me, but he didn't get that way by looking at you, he was looking at some other naked woman all night and then just came home to take his frustrations out on you!!

I too think it is repulsive.

Just my opinion.
post #22 of 30
Well, to each his or her own, but like Debbie, just need to voice my opinion too...

I too am young, 24. I can't imagine being able to feel the same about my boyfriend if he wanted to go to a strip club, much less how I would feel if he actually went. My boyfriend and I feel that those places are demeaning to the girls who work there and to the people watching as well. I'm no prude at all, but I just can't see how seeing other people scantily clad is such a big turn on. Sexuality really should be a private thing between you and your lover, which makes it so much more intimate and special. I know he wouldn't want me to go to a male strip club either.
post #23 of 30
I used to switch trailers with a trucker from Montreal who hung out at a strip bar just inside the NB/Que border. They used to stage "amateur nights". Now some of the local"guys" would badger their girlfriend/wife into participating. However,once the lady in question started responding to the crowd all hell would break loose from the now jealous boyfriend. I felt sorry for any woman who would allow some jerk to put her in that position. I've never understood that kind of mentality.

Incidentally,the "pros" were of both sexes and "pros" in more fields than one. One night a male stripper who was "table dancing" at he table behind me dragged his "equipment" across the back of my neck. I broke his pretty face and got banned.

I've known a lot of people over the years who were involved with "strip clubs" and I think I can safely say there is no such thing as a "nice" strip bar. They all have prostitution and/or drug connections with organized crime. Judge your actions accordingly.
post #24 of 30
Debby & Alica, I agree with you both!
post #25 of 30
Kittyfoot! I can just imagine the look on your face when that man dragged his...um, equipment across the back of your neck!!! :LOL:
post #26 of 30
Thread Starter 
Ok...here's an update if anyone wants to know what is going on...Mika didn't end up going last Tuesday and now he isn't sure if he still wants to go. Now get this...Chasey Lane (sp?)-the famous porn star/stripper is going to be at the stripclub that he is going to next week. So he might go one of those nights. I decided not to go with him this time and to just let him go with his buddies for the first time that he goes and next time if he goes again then we will go to one together. We talked about this some more and he isn't really dying to go and he says that its ok if he doesn't go.

Bubbles-you are right when you say that you don't let them do anything and they do what they want...I trust him and I know that if he goes that I won't have a problem with it.

Thanks again everyone for your wonderful words of advice!
post #27 of 30
Hi Spooky! I've been to a couple strip clubs with my ex-boyfriend a few years ago. I know you pretty much have things smoothed over with your husband, but I'll share my experiences anyway.

We hit a few different area clubs that night. I went with my ex, one of his co-workers/friends, and that guy's bisexual girlfriend. Of all of us, I think she had the best time. It was nothing like what you see on TV, with salivating men hooting and hollaring at the girls. Most of the guys seemed more interested in playing pool (with other guys), watching sports on tv, or just sitting at the bar staring at their drinks. The women... were not exactly what I was picturing, either. Most of them were just average looking, with average bodies. (Of course, I live in a small town about 1.5 hours from NYC. I imagine the really good-looking girls move to the big city where they can make good money.) Up close in particular, they sure didn't give me any inferiority complexes.

After dancing on stage, they'd come around to the tables and do a little "private" dance. No lapdancing. No touching. And they'd talk to us. Most of them were single moms who could make more money working two nights a week than they could working full time, and this lets them have more time to spend with their kids. A few were working their way through college. One or two were married and just really liked what they did for a living. They were the only ones who were actually good dancers, too. None of them flirted with the guys, but some flirted with me and the other girl. A few complained about how much their backs hurt. Oooh, sexy.

The funniest part of the evening is when they dancers asked me if I were there to audition. When I declined, one offered to lend me her shoes: six inch platform stilletos. Uhhh... No thanks. Really. It's not the lack of proper footwear that's holding me back. :tounge2:

So, all in all, it was a good experience for me. I got to see that it's nothing spectacular and nothing to be afraid of. The women aren't interested in stealing anyone's husband. In fact, they're probably more interested in other women. As long as you know and trust your husband (and I imagine you wouldn't have married him if you didn't), you have nothing to be afraid of.

Just my two cents...
post #28 of 30
Thread Starter 
Lorina...thanks for your two cents From what you explained, I think that I pictured strip clubs totally different than what they really are. I used to think that it was girls with big breasts, completely naked that shake their "stuff" right in your mans face and practically jump on top of them. Now that I think about it and after what you said, I guess that I realize that alot of the girls up there are just like you and me and the rest of us women...just trying to make some money. I'm just not so keen on the idea of them coming over by me Thanks!
post #29 of 30
Lorina said

"The funniest part of the evening is when they dancers asked me if I were there to audition. When I declined, one offered to lend me her shoes: six inch platform stilletos. Uhhh... No thanks. Really. It's not the lack of proper footwear that's holding me back."

I thought this was really funny! Just imagine "I'd love to be a stripper, if only I had the money to buy shoes designed by the Inquisition that should never be worn on human feet! {big sigh}"
post #30 of 30
I know I'm getting in on this one late, but like everyone else said...gotta put in my 2 cents.

I have known a couple of strippers in my time, and most of them are pretty normal...they just found a way to make great money with little effort. There are a lot who dance to make money for college. Yes, there are those who are total skanks and unfortunately many of them are drug addicts. The really sad part is that some of the managers of the clubs actually encourage the girls to do coke and meth to maintain their weight!!!

Frankly, as long as it is a pretty high-class place (as opposed to the sleazy ones where the dancers hardly dance and are there more to pick up johns than dance anyway) I would have no problem letting my husband go. Life is too short to be jealous. Nothing against my hubby, but they wouldn't be interested in him anyway - he doesn't have enough money! :laughing:
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