divorce

Allison..I just want to add here that my heart goes out to you. This will be a very trying time for both you and your daughter, please know that I, like everyone else here, am there for you if you need someone to listen

Really sorry to hear what you're going through Alison - I, like Sabra, have divorced parents, I was only 10 and my sister was 3. It doesn't feel like it now, but things will definately get better. Both my sister and I were actually quite relieved (although still extremely upset) when they split up; but as kids, we could pick up on all the tensions in the house and the arguments were horrible, it was quite a relief not to have to listen to them rowing all the time.

My parents don't really go out of their way to speak to each other and they both have new partners who they're extremely happy with, but they get on fine when they have to. I'm getting married in August and Mum & Dad and their S/O are all coming to the wedding.

It takes time, but with support from friends and family, you will get through this.

Take care

Actually, you are the first people I've told. I haven't told my relatives because I will be seeing them in the next couple of days so I might as well tell them in person. I haven't told many of my friends because the majority of them are still in Massachusetts and between the cost of long distance and the time difference, I won't speak to them until this weekend. I did tell my sister-in-law, but that's mostly because she might have an in for me at Capitol One, where she works. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm very good at pushing paper. I don't enjoy it much, but right now the paycheck is more important than personal fulfillment. Gotta go with my strengths.

My folks were divorced when I was 13 - which is part of what makes it so astonishing that they both died so young and a month apart. That's the kind of thing that happens to couples who've been together forever, not people who decide they are better off apart. So I've been through this before, but I'm afraid I'm not as mature about it as they were. I catch myself saying stuff to my daughter all the time that probably isn't appropriate. I try to tell her that I said it because I am mad and my feelings are hurt, not because her dad is really like that. (Except sometimes he IS, I just don't want to totally trash him to her.)

In answer to your questions: We have been together for 6 years. Well, I guess more like 7 since our daughter is close to 6 now. He has said he's considering therapy, not for us, but because he has no idea what's going on with himself and maybe an impartial person could help him figure it out. I think it would be good for him. I have the feeling that he's making this decision now because he feels so horrible, and that it won't ultimately make him happy. I think the problem is within himself and that it will go with him. Leaving us won't change it. But maybe I really am the *itch goddess from hell and that's just a thing I tell myself so I won't feel as bad. {sigh}

It's never just one person's fault when things go wrong, but I feel so out of control of this. He wants to do it without lawyers, which I understand because neither of us can afford one. However, I am definitely going to get some legal advice. There is a coffee shop in Dallas called Legal Grounds where you can talk to someone pro bono, so I'm going to check it out. I have an uncle I could ask too, but right now I'm still embarassed about it and, I don't know, I'd still work it out if he said he wanted to come back, so maybe I don't want to put a family member through all that with me. I mean, I don't care very much what a stranger thinks of me after all. Maybe I'm in denial, "Oh, it's just a mood, he'll have some time to himself and be back because he really loves me" kind of crap.

I keep saying these things to him, like "I'll never go to Vegas again" or "I saw an article about the Alamo and I realized, we're never going to San Antonio" not angry, just kind of sad and disappointed. He thinks I'm trying to hurt him, but I'm not. In a way, I'm trying to hurt myself, kind of like a vaccination: If I keep hurting in little ways early on, then maybe there won't be a big lump of it to deal with later. I cry all the time. Over little nothings, but they touch the larger pain.

OMG - I am so sorry to hear that - you'll be fine!!!! Just remember (I am woman hear me roar!!!). To be honest I wish my parent would have divorced. It would have been for the better for all of us. They were always fighting but as I was told later on could not seperate because of financial reasons. Now they have been married for over 50 years and they are both at the age were divorce dosen't matter anymore.

Just remember without him you would not have had your precious daughter and your furbabies will love you no matter what.

Take care of yourself, that is very important, for your own sake and the sake of your daughter and
the furbabies.

Hang in there time always makes thing better.

When Don left me I thought my world had collapsed. It took about 5 years for me to get better and even less for me to find myself again. Looking back on it (we are now good friends again) leaving me was the wisest thing he could of done for both of us. At the time, I did not think so, but I had a good support system and wonderful friends who helped me through it. I wish back then, there had been an internet. All those nights I spent crying in my pillows might not have happened so frequently. When I met Mike, I fought my attraction to him, heck we both did, but we just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. I thought I would never be happy again, and I was wrong. I know it is a cliche saying, but when God closes a door, He does always open a window. Sometimes that window is hard to find, but it is always there.

Your last post sounded to me like your husband isn't sure where he stands so he just screamed "Let's get a divorce" to be able to have something concrete in all of this.
If he thinks he needs to see someone to sort this all out, one would think he'd hold off on making a decision about what to do. It might be a good idea for the whole family to talk to someone together, as well as him talking to someone on his own. You and your daughter shouldn't be expected to sit idly by well he figures out what's in his mind.
If you think things might not move straight to divorce at the moment, you could always tell the folks in MA that there is some 'trouble' in the marriage.
If things progress to divorce, you both should have legal council (the folks at the cafe you mentioned should be able to point you towards a source of more pro bono or inexpenisve legal represenation). With a child involved, you want to make sure that everything is spelled out and legally binding...for the both of you. Otherwise, you both could leave yourselves open to a nasty battle down the road.
I hope that your trip to MA is good. Whatever you decide to say, I'm sure you will get support from those who care about you!
Vikki

Just to clarify . . .

My extended family is here in Dallas (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.). I grew up in Boston, so all my lifelong buds are there. I wish I had the money to go see them! Plus I have stuff in storage up there that I'm DYING to have in my own possession again! But for now, I'm not going any further than down the street.

I keep asking why because I am one of those annoying people who has to know why. Jim can't tell me why - claims he still loves me, says it's all him - but he is very sure that being with me is what's making him miserable. And he's been saying it off and on since before Christmas, so even if it turns out to be an error, he has convinced himself. I just don't know if I'm willing to wait around until he reaches a decision, I'm tired of getting my chains jerked when he switches positions. He says he wants out, so as far as I'm concerned , he can go. In fact, he'd better go. I don't want him hanging around telling me how much he hates being here. It's not good for me.

Don't be embarrassed! It's unfortunate but nothing to be embarrassed about
If you do end up this being a "done deal", I would definitely look into the legal aspect of it - my x and I got a lawyer together and it only cost about 500 bucks - you would be amazed at the amount of paperwork required (I don't know about TX, but MA,... well you know... red tape). COVER ALL OF YOUR BASES and DON'T make the mistake of trusting him to handle anything - it will cause more problems. Your gonna have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and cover your butt. I know you don't have alot of $$ (me either!), but maybe you can talk to him about getting a lawyer (together)just to handle the paperwork aspect of it - it was worth every cent for me - took ALOT of the stress of divorcing out of it. You'll be okay, your a good person and you are a strong NEW ENGLANDER! :tounge2: Cry your eyes out if need be - it helped me alot and there's no sense in keeping it inside.

Be careful around your little girl - she's soooo young and impressionable, you don't want to upset her. Bite that Tounge of yours!!!! (well not too hard, you don't wanna bleed all over the place) :tounge2:

Sunlion:

I know you say that a lawyer is expensive, but you have to make sure that your daughter is provided for. Please see a lawyer!

All the ladies here are right. Be sure to get an attorney. You never know.
I got married ( like an idiot ) when I was 18.....it only lasted a year and the divorce was a clean cut one. We had no children together, no real estate. Our largest asset was our car!!!! But we got a lawyer anyway, and I am glad we did. They took care of all the paperwork and legal aspects of going to the courthouse etc. It was so much easier and less stressful. And in the end, the total bill was not as bad as I had thought. It was less than $2000, and that included all the filing fees ( which you will have to pay anyway with or without an attorney ).

So bottom line, get yourself one. Its worth the $$$ !!!!!!!!

I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry for all your pain. Time will heal your heart, but please care for yourself and your daughter right now. Thinking of you....
Deb

Sunlion, Im so sad to hear this But please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter, you deserve better

Me, too. Last June, I came home and found mine gone, leaving a note. To make it worse, he ran off, with a "friend" of mine. I, almost, lost it. Doing much better, now: 25 pounds lighter, several shades blonder and, after 34 years of Coke-bottle glasses - LASIK surgery! Do something good, for yourself, it will help your self-esteem. Of course, it helps that I'm taking mine to the cleaners!!! Living well is the best revenge.

I am in the final stages of divorce and I know what you are going through. My husband decided to call it quits after five years of marriage, two children, and a house. Because of him, my children are suffering big time. Whenever I leave them with their father, they start to cry. My son cries alot for alot of things. I know its because of his not seeing his mom all the time. My self esteem is not very good. I don't trust men and I am afraid of getting married again because I feel like a total failure. My ex didn't have enough patience for me. He got angry alot and often listened to the gossip his sisters said about me. I never fit in with his family. Its both of our faults for lack of communications, but I blame him for most of my problems. When I was married, I had a place I could call my home.
Because of him, I have been feeling worthless and depressed. Sometimes, I want to have revenge. Lose weight, obtain a better job, and make him regret everything. But I know that I need to move on. One thing is for sure, if he ever tries to ask me back, I don't think I will go back because he has hurt me too much. Besides, I am afraid of him. He never laid a hand on me but his anger cuts much deeper. My wounds are deep. While with him, I felt badly. Threatened twice to divorce me while I was pregnant with my two children. He used to blame everything on me even if it wasn't my fault. He had too much pride and never apologize for his errors. He never really respected me. Too many times, I shed tears. He liked to flirt with other women in front of me and claimed that I was jealous. Yet, when I say hi to a friend, he is the one who is jealous.
I feel so angry and alone that I have to talk to a counselor. I don't cry when my children are with me. When I am alone, I shed alot of tears. We've been separated for three years(February of 1999) and filed for divorce later that year. Today it became final. For me it takes a big chunk of self esteem out of me, when I think of my cousins and friends from church who are happily married and me divorced and with financial difficulty. I want to heal, but it takes time. And I am afraid to get married again because maybe the next man is a wife beater. I'll stick with animals. They'll stay with you until they breathe their last breath!

Nena - DON'T LET HIM DO THAT TO YOU! You are NOT a FAILURE! Good rittance to someone who treats you so bad that you feel worthless! I'm glad you are in counceling - it will help you to realise that you are better off and will be happy with YOURSELF in the long run. I'm sure after five years of that crap, anyone would have low self esteem!

I'm divorced too, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm a different person - more assertive, more self reliant, and HAPPY WITH ME! Before, I thought low of myself (looking back). I will NEVER EVER let anyone get to me like that and make me think poorly of myself. It's not fair!

You will be okay! You just need to pick yourself up by your boots and make YOUR LIFE WORK FOR YOU! I know many people, and yes, it's unfortunate, that are divorced with children and they are just better off for it - no more stress, tension, etc....

I've said that I'll never get married again either. Crap, I'm not even dating at ALL. But never say never Nena - you just may meet a really nice guy - in church, at a friends party.... you just never know. Stay optimistic - (I know - it's hard ), and rest assured, there are lots of divorcee's out there that are doing just fine - like you will, I'm sure! And remember, you don't need someone else in your life to be complete, you just need to be happy with yourself!

Don't give up. If you let yourself feel worthless, HE wins! iVillage.com has a very good site: "Coping with divorce". It helped me, a lot.

Grrr!! What the heck is wrong with all these guys.

First off, happiness comes from within! If you ever expect someone else to make you happy, you are gonna be screwed forever. Sunlion, and all you other women whose stories have mad me so mad (and scared!), you don't make your husbands unhappy, they do.

Jeex, all these stories scare me. My boyfriend of almost 4 years is so wonderful. Well, of course we argue, but we do it pretty respectfully. I'm terrified that one day in 15 years he's just gonna up and leave me or something. I know I can't live being paranoid like that. But really, what is with all these guys? How can you know if you picked a good one or a crazy one?
Aaaaaggh.

Sunlion, I'm so sorry you guys are going through this right now. I don't know you very well, but I sure don't think you're a *itch queen or anything like that. You've always seemed very nice and respectful. Keep your chin up kittycat!

Alicat....I don't think there is a way to know for sure if you picked a good one, or a crazy one. I have been married twice...and BOTH times these men seemed so sweet, and told me how special I was, and how they would never hurt me. Several years down the road is another story.
Sunlion, I know what you mean when you said you wonder sometimes if you are just the *itch from hell. You AREN'T. But I know how you feel.
Most of the time I realize it is HIS problem, not mine, but sometimes I start feeling down, and I start wondering if maybe it is all MY fault. If maybe I am just too *itchy or there is something about me that turns perfectly good men into jerks.
Then I realize....no. There are lots of men out there who would love to have a woman like me. (or at least that's what I tell myself to make myself feel better)

My hubby and I have lot of really hard times. I am trying so hard to make this marriage work. I wanted so badly to be a mother, so I finally convinced him to let me have a baby. I hope that wasn't a mistake. I don't want this marraige to end, and the child be the one that suffers. But I also didn't want to wait 3 or 4 more years, and then the marriage falls apart, and I am too old to have a child.
That doesn't seem fair to me, either. But yet....I have to think of what is best for the child. This is SO hard.

I love my husband. But he is depressed alot, doesn't smile much, and just generally doesn't seem very happy with me. He makes comments that simply push my buttons. Like last night when we were watching Survivor...he says..." They should form an alliance, and vote out all the women there, because all they will do is sit around and *itch that there isn't any food" then he points at the big breasted $lut of the group and says...."but they can keep her"
How can I NOT get angry????
Sorry. This isn't my thread, and Sunlion, I know you are going through *ell right now, and I don't mean to add to it.
It's just that I know somewhat what you are going through. Men can be such jerks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And my apologies to the good men out there, I wasn't trying to apply that ALL of you were.

Well, I do think I know a lot of great guys. I know a lot of single great guys of all ages...so ladies, come on over to Washington!

Seriously though, that was such a hurtful thing to say to you Debby. I can't imagine how I would have reacted to all these guys, had I been in your situations ladies.

Good luck to all of us!

And most importantly let's all remember that no matter what any other person says, we're beautiful intelligent and valuable people in our own right!