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divorce - Page 2

post #31 of 48
I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry for all your pain. Time will heal your heart, but please care for yourself and your daughter right now. Thinking of you....
post #32 of 48
Sunlion, Im so sad to hear this But please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter, you deserve better
post #33 of 48
Me, too. Last June, I came home and found mine gone, leaving a note. To make it worse, he ran off, with a "friend" of mine. I, almost, lost it. Doing much better, now: 25 pounds lighter, several shades blonder and, after 34 years of Coke-bottle glasses - LASIK surgery! Do something good, for yourself, it will help your self-esteem. Of course, it helps that I'm taking mine to the cleaners!!! Living well is the best revenge.
post #34 of 48
I am in the final stages of divorce and I know what you are going through. My husband decided to call it quits after five years of marriage, two children, and a house. Because of him, my children are suffering big time. Whenever I leave them with their father, they start to cry. My son cries alot for alot of things. I know its because of his not seeing his mom all the time. My self esteem is not very good. I don't trust men and I am afraid of getting married again because I feel like a total failure. My ex didn't have enough patience for me. He got angry alot and often listened to the gossip his sisters said about me. I never fit in with his family. Its both of our faults for lack of communications, but I blame him for most of my problems. When I was married, I had a place I could call my home.
Because of him, I have been feeling worthless and depressed. Sometimes, I want to have revenge. Lose weight, obtain a better job, and make him regret everything. But I know that I need to move on. One thing is for sure, if he ever tries to ask me back, I don't think I will go back because he has hurt me too much. Besides, I am afraid of him. He never laid a hand on me but his anger cuts much deeper. My wounds are deep. While with him, I felt badly. Threatened twice to divorce me while I was pregnant with my two children. He used to blame everything on me even if it wasn't my fault. He had too much pride and never apologize for his errors. He never really respected me. Too many times, I shed tears. He liked to flirt with other women in front of me and claimed that I was jealous. Yet, when I say hi to a friend, he is the one who is jealous.
I feel so angry and alone that I have to talk to a counselor. I don't cry when my children are with me. When I am alone, I shed alot of tears. We've been separated for three years(February of 1999) and filed for divorce later that year. Today it became final. For me it takes a big chunk of self esteem out of me, when I think of my cousins and friends from church who are happily married and me divorced and with financial difficulty. I want to heal, but it takes time. And I am afraid to get married again because maybe the next man is a wife beater. I'll stick with animals. They'll stay with you until they breathe their last breath!
post #35 of 48
Nena - DON'T LET HIM DO THAT TO YOU! You are NOT a FAILURE! Good rittance to someone who treats you so bad that you feel worthless! I'm glad you are in counceling - it will help you to realise that you are better off and will be happy with YOURSELF in the long run. I'm sure after five years of that crap, anyone would have low self esteem!

I'm divorced too, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm a different person - more assertive, more self reliant, and HAPPY WITH ME! Before, I thought low of myself (looking back). I will NEVER EVER let anyone get to me like that and make me think poorly of myself. It's not fair!

You will be okay! You just need to pick yourself up by your boots and make YOUR LIFE WORK FOR YOU! I know many people, and yes, it's unfortunate, that are divorced with children and they are just better off for it - no more stress, tension, etc....

I've said that I'll never get married again either. Crap, I'm not even dating at ALL. But never say never Nena - you just may meet a really nice guy - in church, at a friends party.... you just never know. Stay optimistic - (I know - it's hard), and rest assured, there are lots of divorcee's out there that are doing just fine - like you will, I'm sure! And remember, you don't need someone else in your life to be complete, you just need to be happy with yourself!
post #36 of 48
Don't give up. If you let yourself feel worthless, HE wins! iVillage.com has a very good site: "Coping with divorce". It helped me, a lot.
post #37 of 48
Grrr!! What the heck is wrong with all these guys.

First off, happiness comes from within! If you ever expect someone else to make you happy, you are gonna be screwed forever. Sunlion, and all you other women whose stories have mad me so mad (and scared!), you don't make your husbands unhappy, they do.

Jeex, all these stories scare me. My boyfriend of almost 4 years is so wonderful. Well, of course we argue, but we do it pretty respectfully. I'm terrified that one day in 15 years he's just gonna up and leave me or something. I know I can't live being paranoid like that. But really, what is with all these guys? How can you know if you picked a good one or a crazy one?

Sunlion, I'm so sorry you guys are going through this right now. I don't know you very well, but I sure don't think you're a *itch queen or anything like that. You've always seemed very nice and respectful. Keep your chin up kittycat!
post #38 of 48
Alicat....I don't think there is a way to know for sure if you picked a good one, or a crazy one. I have been married twice...and BOTH times these men seemed so sweet, and told me how special I was, and how they would never hurt me. Several years down the road is another story.
Sunlion, I know what you mean when you said you wonder sometimes if you are just the *itch from hell. You AREN'T. But I know how you feel.
Most of the time I realize it is HIS problem, not mine, but sometimes I start feeling down, and I start wondering if maybe it is all MY fault. If maybe I am just too *itchy or there is something about me that turns perfectly good men into jerks.
Then I realize....no. There are lots of men out there who would love to have a woman like me. (or at least that's what I tell myself to make myself feel better)

My hubby and I have lot of really hard times. I am trying so hard to make this marriage work. I wanted so badly to be a mother, so I finally convinced him to let me have a baby. I hope that wasn't a mistake. I don't want this marraige to end, and the child be the one that suffers. But I also didn't want to wait 3 or 4 more years, and then the marriage falls apart, and I am too old to have a child.
That doesn't seem fair to me, either. But yet....I have to think of what is best for the child. This is SO hard.

I love my husband. But he is depressed alot, doesn't smile much, and just generally doesn't seem very happy with me. He makes comments that simply push my buttons. Like last night when we were watching Survivor...he says..." They should form an alliance, and vote out all the women there, because all they will do is sit around and *itch that there isn't any food" then he points at the big breasted $lut of the group and says...."but they can keep her"
How can I NOT get angry????
Sorry. This isn't my thread, and Sunlion, I know you are going through *ell right now, and I don't mean to add to it.
It's just that I know somewhat what you are going through. Men can be such jerks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
post #39 of 48
And my apologies to the good men out there, I wasn't trying to apply that ALL of you were.
post #40 of 48
Well, I do think I know a lot of great guys. I know a lot of single great guys of all ages...so ladies, come on over to Washington!

Seriously though, that was such a hurtful thing to say to you Debby. I can't imagine how I would have reacted to all these guys, had I been in your situations ladies.

Good luck to all of us!

And most importantly let's all remember that no matter what any other person says, we're beautiful intelligent and valuable people in our own right!
post #41 of 48
Sunlion, I know people have already said this, but it bears repeating: for your DAUGHTER'S sake, DO NOT PERMIT YOUR HUSBAND TO TALK YOU INTO A DO-IT-YOURSELF DIVORCE!

West Texas Legal Services helps people who have been sued for divorce but cannot afford representation.

Richland Hills Church of Christ Divorce Recovery Info

There are probably groups in Arlington, too, but I've heard lots of good things about this group. If you are unwilling to drive to Richland Hills or if you are not comfortable with the Christian aspect, I'm sure at the very least they can refer you to another group.

Good luck to you and if there's anything I can do, let me know via PM.
post #42 of 48
Thread Starter 
I know I'm not a horrible person, this kind of thing just screws with your mind, you know.

I also know, and I hate to say this because it feels like I'm calling him incompetent, but he is mentally ill. Depression, major clinical depression, is a mental illness. And it's chronic. You can manage it, but it never quite goes away, kind of like diabetes. Just it affects your thought processes instead of your body.

The way he is handling this reminds me of the way he stopped working when he was self-employed and stopped taking his meds. Last fall he saw a new doc who changed his meds, well actually the HMO made him take the generics, and I have just felt like it doesn't work as well. If I thought I had a case, I'd sue Blue Cross, but I'm sure he wouldn't support it.

And I know that I didn't make him unhappy, though I might not have made his situation any better. He either chose his mood or he was affected by the brain chemistry, but I didn't make him feel what he feels. And even if he can't control what he feels, he still could have chosen to act differently.

I have learned this: I feel very alone, but I'm actually not. Not only you all have been so kind and supportive, but two friends have had us over for dinner in the last week, a friend called long distance just to check on me and gave me another of her friends' phone numbers who agreed to take my call, 3 out of state friends invited us to visit (no way to get there, but I appreciate the thought), and one of my aunts spent an hour on the phone with me, just listening. Plus condolences from another dozen people via e-mail. So there are all these people out these who are thinking good thoughts for me or praying or whatever it is they do, and wow that's really very flattering.

If only I could stop being so insanely happy when he calls, since he doesn't want to talk to me, he wants his daughter . . .
post #43 of 48
Debby, I just wanted to jump in here and say that I am sorry you are also having some marital problems. I know that must be difficult especially since you are pregnant.

Alicat, don't let all the stories scare you! There are plenty of wonderful men out there, I know this, I married to one!! When my first marriage collapsed ( and I was only 19 so what the heck did I know ), I thought I'd NEVER get married again. But then I met David and it was the most exhiliarating experience of my life. I loved him, I knew we'd get married, and when we did I knew it would be forever. We have 2 kids now, and almost 8 years have passed and its as good today as it was at the beginning.

So Debby, Sunlion, and all the others who are suffering, there is light at the end of the tunnel!!!! Not all men are scum, just some!!
post #44 of 48
I felt a little guilty this morning, for making the post here that I did. I didn't mean to imply he was a jerk, I'm just very emotional these days, and feeling a bit hurt, he does have his good side. He is a very hard worker, and he is a fabulous father, he adores his children and is very good to them. That is one of the things that attracted me to him 8 years ago.
I think we will make it, because we do love each other, we just need to hang in there and get through the rough spots.

Sunlion, that is great that you have so many kind caring people to support you during this time. That will make it a little easier, I am sure. I said a prayer for you last night, and you are in my thoughts.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing. We love you!
post #45 of 48
Sunlion - My church, the Church on Rush Creek, recently started a divorce support group. I know you're not Baptist, but I think that this group is not only for Baptists. We had a big banner outside for quite a long while. The church is at the corner of Green Oaks and Bowen.

If you're ever feeling lonely during the day and need to get out, please give me a call. I'd love to meet you, and I bet my daughter and your daughter would like to play. We could always meet at a McDonalds or something just to spend some time out of the house.
post #46 of 48
Dawn just read your post...did you mean the church divorce support group is only for Baptists, or that it wasn't. I think you just left out a word, but I thought you might want to clarify it, so Sunlion could go there if she wants.

That would be so great if you and Sunlion could get together!!
post #47 of 48
Thanks Debby! I really should proof read before I post. And to think I used to be an editor!
post #48 of 48
well I wouldn't have pointed it out, except I was afraid Sunlion might think she had to be a Baptist to go to it, and I didn't think that's what you meant.
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