or Connect
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › divorce
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:


post #1 of 48
Thread Starter 
Well, Jim came home the other night and said he doesn't want to be with me any more. He stayed that night but yesterday I brought him a change of clothes at work and told him to find somewhere else to stay. He is here tonight, until a friend of his gets back from out of town on Friday, then he'll stay with his friend. I told him he can sleep in our daughter's room. I am having great restraint in not posting his personal info here, I am very mad at him right now and wish there was some way to hurt him as badly as he has hurt me, though eventually that will pass. I do not want this, but I won't bother trying to make him stay. No good forcing someone to be where they don't want to be. I feel like a complete idiot, thinking that maybe things were going to get better, maybe it was his depression, maybe it was stress from everything. My heart is torn out. Everything I believed was in fact not true. I don't know what I'm going to do, about anything. I'm completely lost.
post #2 of 48
there isnt really anything i can say, i know. i wanted to tell you i read your post, and i empathize with you...

i'm glad you felt that you could post about this here, this can be a great community of support and caring,
and you have that as my offering if you ever need to vent in private to someone.

in my thoughts,
post #3 of 48
Oh Allison, I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I'm aching for you right now. Things seemed to be looking up for you, I'm so sorry that you've had the rug yanked out from under you. I wish I had the words, but I don't.

We're all here for you
post #4 of 48
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. In the midst of all of this, be sure to take care of yourself! If you need more than the folks at this site to talk to, by all means, talk to a professional. Also, be sure to take all of that unconditional love that your purrballs offer!
post #5 of 48
First and foremost, take care of yourself and your daughter. If you can, ask around and see if there is a Divorce Recovery class you can go to.They are usually done through a church. I remember when my ex-husband announced on our 10th wedding anniversary that he "no longer wanted to play house." He left the next day "to find himself" and I didn't see him but a year later after hiring a PI to track him down. He was living with my best friend! I was so hurt and stunned, and broken and disillusioned, so I know where you are right now. There is an excellent book out by Dr. James Dobson called "Love Must Be Tough" You might want to order it and read it. You will not only find your husband within those pages, but also yourself, it is an eye-opener to be sure.

I am so very sorry Life has dealt you this hand, but take it one day at a time and try not to get caught up in bitterness. Hugs((((()))))))))
post #6 of 48
I am so sorry for your pain. My EX-husband came home one day and told me that he did not love me and that he never did and that he had someone else. I was so angry and hurt. Yes, I wanted him to hurt as much as I was, but he never seemed too. Like you, I did not beg for him to stay, did not want him to think that I had to have him, but also did not want someone that did not want me. I got very angry that all my memories and things that were special to me (anniversay gifts, Christmas ornament, etc.) were not, or seemed they were not special anymore. However, 7 years later, it was the best thing that ever happen to me. But, it took a while for me to realize that. Went through several stages. But, I do want you to know it does get better. If you need someone to listen, I'm here.
post #7 of 48
I'm sorry for what you are going through but I can tell you this. You need to care for yourself and your kid(s). I'm sure you will get over this. I can state that because most of my clients do (I'm a paralegal for a family law attorney). You also have my shoulder to cry on if need be. Anyway, you will get through this. Look at it this way, he lost the best thing that happened to him -- you. His lost somebody else's gaine.

post #8 of 48
I'm so sorry. I've been through it myself, and I know the hurt that you feel. Like the others, I really can't find the 'right' words to say to you right now, but I, too, wanted you to know you have my support and my ear to listen, and my shoulder to cry on if you need it.
post #9 of 48
Oh, no, Sunlion, I'm so sorry. I knew your husband was depressed, but I didn't realize it had gotten to this point. Please take care of yourself and your daughter. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I would agree with the divorce support group and maybe a good counselor. I am so sorry to hear this. If you need anything, please give me a call. I'm just right down the road and I'm always willing to help. If you need my phone number, just PM me.
post #10 of 48
I am so very sorry you are going through this. There really isn't anything I can think of to say to you right now. I hope you are able to get some comfort from the posts of others who are here. Take care of yourself and your daughter, we are here for you whenever you need us.
post #11 of 48
Sunlion....I am so sorry to hear about this!!!! I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know I can't. Just know that we are all here for you, and you WILL make it through this and come out a stronger person for it.
Maybe it is best in the long run....you deserve to be happy, and maybe someday down the road you can find someone who you can be happy with and who truley appreciates the wonderful, kind, caring person that you are.
My hubby and I have had our problems in the past, too. We love each other, but sometimes we aren't as happy as we should be, We argue alot. I was hoping that would get better before I got pregnant.
But we seem to be doing okay, and I just take things one day at a time.
If you need to talk, please PM me or I can give you my phone # and you could call me.
My thoughts are with you tonight, and my prayers.
You have many friends, a daughter and cats who all love you very much.
post #12 of 48

I'm sorry to hear about your news Perhaps it is for the best? YOu will get thru it though .... you have everyone here, your family, your daughter & your cats to support you.

Would your hubby be willing to go to counseling?
post #13 of 48
I am so sorry for you. I know in time this hurt will heal. it took me some time to get over the pain of my divorce and I want you to know, I am here to listen...
post #14 of 48
I read your post, and sorry to hear you and your hubby were having problems I hope they have gotten better, and I'm sure that once the baby arrives, everything will be better!
HEck, me & hubby argue, too.......... everyone does & it isn't fun
post #15 of 48
I am very sorry to hear the bad news. I am sure you'll get yourself and your daughter thru this, even though it is so difficult right now for you. We are all here for you if you need us.
post #16 of 48
I am so sorry that you have to go thru this. It is a time that I am sure you did not want to happen, but you will come out stronger in the end as you are a strong woman. You have your friends here any time you need us. You may feel now that you want to get even with him, but it will make you feel worse in the long run. My friend went thru a similar situation & extracted revenge & now regrets that she sank to his level. Any time you want to talk you can pm me.
post #17 of 48
I'm so sorry. How long have you been married? Are you established in TX, do you have family support out there? Maybe you should take a trip to visit your family.... I don't know what to say. Depression is a very tough thing to deal with.

I am divorced as well. I was the one who "fell outa love" after being w/him for 12 years and only married for one. It was very hard to go through and man, I feel for ya. It sucks either way you look at it and we are all here for you

MORE THAN ANYTHING TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF - you need to be strong for your daughter and yourself.

I also want to add that in the long run, and I know you don't want to hear it now, but my X and I are best of freinds. Not at first, but now, we are, and I think the whole thing made me a better person. And your right, you can't force someone to stay when they are not happy - it just makes things so much worse - you would be miserable. Take care and if you need to talk.......
post #18 of 48

I am so sorry to hear of this news. I agree with what others have said. Is your husband willing to get some counseling? So may men aren't. It is sad that he may be making a decision based upon other factors, such as depression, and thinking that the decision to leave will help things.

As a survivor of divorce, I know you have a rough road ahead of you. But there are better days to come. Take things one step at a time, and get some counseling if YOU need it.

Keep the faith.
post #19 of 48
I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I'm sorry that I don't really have any advice for you. But, as other people mentioned, you should look into maybe going to some counseling because that might help somewhat. Just remember that you have your daughter, all of us and your kitties.
post #20 of 48

I am so sorry you are having to face this in your life. I have not been through a divorce but I have been the child in it. I not only went through the divorce of my parents (I was an only child and 3 when the divorce was final, at 3 you wouldn't think I would remeber all the emotions and anger but I do) but of the next two marriages of my father. All were at different lifestages and had a tremendous impact on me. I will say what the others have said, please take care of yourself and keep a strong focus on you daughter. She needs you more than ever right now.

Do you have any kind of support group here in Texas? I know you are not originally from here but from Boston or Massachusets? Are you considering relocating, is that an option for you?

From all the other times you have talked about your husband I gather that this is it and there is nothing he would do to try and work things out?

Please use us to vent, to cry, to do what ever you need to do. We are here for you. If you need to talk on the phone instead of online feel free to pm or email so I and others can talk with you. There are so many of us here that have been involved in divorce one way or another. Our experiences may help you in this.
post #21 of 48
Allison..I just want to add here that my heart goes out to you. This will be a very trying time for both you and your daughter, please know that I, like everyone else here, am there for you if you need someone to listen
post #22 of 48
Really sorry to hear what you're going through Alison - I, like Sabra, have divorced parents, I was only 10 and my sister was 3. It doesn't feel like it now, but things will definately get better. Both my sister and I were actually quite relieved (although still extremely upset) when they split up; but as kids, we could pick up on all the tensions in the house and the arguments were horrible, it was quite a relief not to have to listen to them rowing all the time.

My parents don't really go out of their way to speak to each other and they both have new partners who they're extremely happy with, but they get on fine when they have to. I'm getting married in August and Mum & Dad and their S/O are all coming to the wedding.

It takes time, but with support from friends and family, you will get through this.

Take care
post #23 of 48
Thread Starter 
Actually, you are the first people I've told. I haven't told my relatives because I will be seeing them in the next couple of days so I might as well tell them in person. I haven't told many of my friends because the majority of them are still in Massachusetts and between the cost of long distance and the time difference, I won't speak to them until this weekend. I did tell my sister-in-law, but that's mostly because she might have an in for me at Capitol One, where she works. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm very good at pushing paper. I don't enjoy it much, but right now the paycheck is more important than personal fulfillment. Gotta go with my strengths.

My folks were divorced when I was 13 - which is part of what makes it so astonishing that they both died so young and a month apart. That's the kind of thing that happens to couples who've been together forever, not people who decide they are better off apart. So I've been through this before, but I'm afraid I'm not as mature about it as they were. I catch myself saying stuff to my daughter all the time that probably isn't appropriate. I try to tell her that I said it because I am mad and my feelings are hurt, not because her dad is really like that. (Except sometimes he IS, I just don't want to totally trash him to her.)

In answer to your questions: We have been together for 6 years. Well, I guess more like 7 since our daughter is close to 6 now. He has said he's considering therapy, not for us, but because he has no idea what's going on with himself and maybe an impartial person could help him figure it out. I think it would be good for him. I have the feeling that he's making this decision now because he feels so horrible, and that it won't ultimately make him happy. I think the problem is within himself and that it will go with him. Leaving us won't change it. But maybe I really am the *itch goddess from hell and that's just a thing I tell myself so I won't feel as bad. {sigh}

It's never just one person's fault when things go wrong, but I feel so out of control of this. He wants to do it without lawyers, which I understand because neither of us can afford one. However, I am definitely going to get some legal advice. There is a coffee shop in Dallas called Legal Grounds where you can talk to someone pro bono, so I'm going to check it out. I have an uncle I could ask too, but right now I'm still embarassed about it and, I don't know, I'd still work it out if he said he wanted to come back, so maybe I don't want to put a family member through all that with me. I mean, I don't care very much what a stranger thinks of me after all. Maybe I'm in denial, "Oh, it's just a mood, he'll have some time to himself and be back because he really loves me" kind of crap.

I keep saying these things to him, like "I'll never go to Vegas again" or "I saw an article about the Alamo and I realized, we're never going to San Antonio" not angry, just kind of sad and disappointed. He thinks I'm trying to hurt him, but I'm not. In a way, I'm trying to hurt myself, kind of like a vaccination: If I keep hurting in little ways early on, then maybe there won't be a big lump of it to deal with later. I cry all the time. Over little nothings, but they touch the larger pain.
post #24 of 48
OMG - I am so sorry to hear that - you'll be fine!!!! Just remember (I am woman hear me roar!!!). To be honest I wish my parent would have divorced. It would have been for the better for all of us. They were always fighting but as I was told later on could not seperate because of financial reasons. Now they have been married for over 50 years and they are both at the age were divorce dosen't matter anymore.

Just remember without him you would not have had your precious daughter and your furbabies will love you no matter what.

Take care of yourself, that is very important, for your own sake and the sake of your daughter and
the furbabies.

Hang in there time always makes thing better.
post #25 of 48
When Don left me I thought my world had collapsed. It took about 5 years for me to get better and even less for me to find myself again. Looking back on it (we are now good friends again) leaving me was the wisest thing he could of done for both of us. At the time, I did not think so, but I had a good support system and wonderful friends who helped me through it. I wish back then, there had been an internet. All those nights I spent crying in my pillows might not have happened so frequently. When I met Mike, I fought my attraction to him, heck we both did, but we just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. I thought I would never be happy again, and I was wrong. I know it is a cliche saying, but when God closes a door, He does always open a window. Sometimes that window is hard to find, but it is always there.
post #26 of 48
Your last post sounded to me like your husband isn't sure where he stands so he just screamed "Let's get a divorce" to be able to have something concrete in all of this.
If he thinks he needs to see someone to sort this all out, one would think he'd hold off on making a decision about what to do. It might be a good idea for the whole family to talk to someone together, as well as him talking to someone on his own. You and your daughter shouldn't be expected to sit idly by well he figures out what's in his mind.
If you think things might not move straight to divorce at the moment, you could always tell the folks in MA that there is some 'trouble' in the marriage.
If things progress to divorce, you both should have legal council (the folks at the cafe you mentioned should be able to point you towards a source of more pro bono or inexpenisve legal represenation). With a child involved, you want to make sure that everything is spelled out and legally binding...for the both of you. Otherwise, you both could leave yourselves open to a nasty battle down the road.
I hope that your trip to MA is good. Whatever you decide to say, I'm sure you will get support from those who care about you!
post #27 of 48
Thread Starter 
Just to clarify . . .

My extended family is here in Dallas (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.). I grew up in Boston, so all my lifelong buds are there. I wish I had the money to go see them! Plus I have stuff in storage up there that I'm DYING to have in my own possession again! But for now, I'm not going any further than down the street.

I keep asking why because I am one of those annoying people who has to know why. Jim can't tell me why - claims he still loves me, says it's all him - but he is very sure that being with me is what's making him miserable. And he's been saying it off and on since before Christmas, so even if it turns out to be an error, he has convinced himself. I just don't know if I'm willing to wait around until he reaches a decision, I'm tired of getting my chains jerked when he switches positions. He says he wants out, so as far as I'm concerned , he can go. In fact, he'd better go. I don't want him hanging around telling me how much he hates being here. It's not good for me.
post #28 of 48
Don't be embarrassed! It's unfortunate but nothing to be embarrassed about
If you do end up this being a "done deal", I would definitely look into the legal aspect of it - my x and I got a lawyer together and it only cost about 500 bucks - you would be amazed at the amount of paperwork required (I don't know about TX, but MA,... well you know... red tape). COVER ALL OF YOUR BASES and DON'T make the mistake of trusting him to handle anything - it will cause more problems. Your gonna have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and cover your butt. I know you don't have alot of $$ (me either!), but maybe you can talk to him about getting a lawyer (together)just to handle the paperwork aspect of it - it was worth every cent for me - took ALOT of the stress of divorcing out of it. You'll be okay, your a good person and you are a strong NEW ENGLANDER! :tounge2: Cry your eyes out if need be - it helped me alot and there's no sense in keeping it inside.

Be careful around your little girl - she's soooo young and impressionable, you don't want to upset her. Bite that Tounge of yours!!!! (well not too hard, you don't wanna bleed all over the place) :tounge2:
post #29 of 48

I know you say that a lawyer is expensive, but you have to make sure that your daughter is provided for. Please see a lawyer!
post #30 of 48
All the ladies here are right. Be sure to get an attorney. You never know.
I got married ( like an idiot ) when I was 18.....it only lasted a year and the divorce was a clean cut one. We had no children together, no real estate. Our largest asset was our car!!!! But we got a lawyer anyway, and I am glad we did. They took care of all the paperwork and legal aspects of going to the courthouse etc. It was so much easier and less stressful. And in the end, the total bill was not as bad as I had thought. It was less than $2000, and that included all the filing fees ( which you will have to pay anyway with or without an attorney ).

So bottom line, get yourself one. Its worth the $$$ !!!!!!!!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Cat Lounge
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › divorce