Ask Lucifer

tabaqui · Oct 18, 2005

Ah, good morning, fellow felines--and to any other creatures that might happen to be reading, as well.

I see that several other "hip cats" here have started their own topics and places, and it occurs to me that perhaps I could make myself of some service too. It is of course the least I could do for this community, for entertaining my Owner so.

Do you have a burning question? Would you like catly advice? Or are you here to just shoot the breeze? No matter the reason, drop me a line and I do believe I will answer you as quickly as I can--my claws get stuck in-between these dratted keys so easily...

Yours,
Lucifer

katachtig · Oct 18, 2005

Lusifer,

My sis, Karlee, and me took over Roofies and we were glad you and Tab came. Since you are so sofisticated, we were wondering wat kind of entertainment we shuld bring into Roofies?

Luzeee

tabaqui · Oct 18, 2005

Ah, the first letter! Communication is such a wonderful thing.

Dear Lucy,

Thank you for the welcome. It does seem quite the 'happening joint', as I believe to be the phrase kittens use these days! And I am flattered to the tips of my well-curled whiskers to be asked such a thing, let me assure you. Perhaps some live music would be welcome? I have taken the liberty of assembling the names of what look to be likely bands or artists. For your convenience:

Big Electric Cat
Cat Stevens
Glass Tiger
White Lion
The Pussycat Dolls

Failing that, I recommend laser light shows. But don't blame me if your patrons start climbing the walls! Ahaha!

And remember: puns may be the lowest form of humor, but all felines should be held in high regard.

Yours,
Lucifer

yayi · Oct 18, 2005

Lucifer, I need your advice.
I am so in love but it is difficult to tell her the right way without getting slapped.

I am Wawa. Her name is QT. I follow her every waking moment. Once I was able to steal a kiss. Oh, I wish it could happen again.
She always runs to meowmy or hides under the sofa when I get too close. Meowmy says I should try ignoring her. But I can't. She is my true love.

What should I do?

tabaqui · Oct 18, 2005

*Chews thoughtfully on a chicken-flavored treat as he muses on this topic.*

Well, now. This is certainly a difficult subject. Let me think... Ah.

Dear Wawa,

As a confirmed lifelong bachelor unlikely to damage his future relationships by saying such things, I can tell you that those of the female persuasion can indeed be hard to convince of one's good intentions.

Perhaps you're displaying your affections in too blatant a manner for her tastes. I suggest that instead of chasing her around and trying to steal kisses, you do little things to catch her attention and build trust.

Bringing her dead mice and killing spiders for her might be a start. After that, you can progress onwards to such complicated behaviors as sharing your favorite toys and sleeping spots. Eventually you might be able to get another kiss.

And whatever you do, just don't tell her she looks fat.

Remember: slow and steady wins the race.

Yours,
Lucifer

batgirl2good · Oct 19, 2005

Hi, Lucifer! We have a qweshun. It is for our meowmy. She has a crush on this man. Now u gota no, our meowmy is OLD (don tell her we tole ya, but she is almost 500! oops, we ment to say 50

)
aneehow, this man is yunger, like 37, and he is way in a diffrent state. he and her are frens...met thru his mom, hoo whe met on tin innernet.
aneehow, it hurts her cause he not call her a lot. plus he tawks to this woman in Canada evry nite online, like at 3 in the mornin, cause she dont work and he can work wenever he wants to.
and he has ben doin that for 4 years. he nevr met this woman or tawk to her on the fone or wanta meet her.

meowmy b jelous and she not unnerstan Y he duz tat! (he immachure).

so she need help noing how to get over this. or how to look at this situashun. no other man in her life. she tryed singles stuff, internet, eharmony, etyc. no luck
HELP, Lucifer!
your frens
shenandoah an humble

yosemite · Oct 19, 2005

Hello Lucifer,

My name is Bijou and I have a little sister named Mika. We see you are new to the site and we are enjoying your sense of humour very much.

We just wanted to say welcome and we hope to see more of your humourous posts in the future.

tabaqui · Oct 19, 2005

Oh my, how the mail does pile up while one tends to matters of rest and edibles. Let's work backwards, old boy. Easiest on a full tum and sleepy eyes.
*Claws open the first envelope.*
Oh! Fan mail! That's the ticket to starting one's morning on a good paw, yes indeed.

Dear Bijou (and Mika),

Thank you for writing to let me know that you are enjoying the results of my little passtime. I hope that you will continue to find my work entertaining, and shall certainly do my best to make sure it is.

Happiness may be fleeting, but there's humor in every situation.

Yours,
Lucifer

Yes, that feels good. Let's see who's next... Aha. This one seems to require a bit of length and seriousness. Nonetheless, I will attempt to keep some lightheartedness about as I write.

Dear Shenandoah and Co.,

Before I dispense advice, I must make clear my opinion that your Mother has a firm grasp on comedy, naming a fellow feline 'Humble'... Now. Affairs of the heart are always tricky business. I may not be a billionaire playcat, but I will do my best to help her.

Age, as I see it, is generally of no real matter of importance when it comes to relationships. Especially not human ones, as the silly pink creatures seem to be built very sturdily. (I once met a tortoise that said he knew a human almost as old as himself, you know.)

As you also may well know, we cats are somewhat prone to jealousy (and other such vices), and I recognize what may be a twinge of the green-eyed feline in your Mother. It is hard to be sure of what anyone on the Internet is up to, and a distance of many states from the other person can easily make it even harder. And, naturally, most creatures have a tendency to worry about whether another is after their romantic interest. These two factors seem to be combining here to make a situation for her almost as aggravating as when I can't quite groom that one spot on my head.

My question to her is this: does this human man know she likes him this way? If he doesn't, she can not expect him to understand that she might wish he would call her more, or that she might like to be reassured that the other woman is simply a good friend. We males are oblivious sometimes.

If he does know, then there are a pawful of other issues to be addressed here. Firstly, can he be asked to call her more often? Or go old-fashioned and write letters? Distance is a tricky thing to work with and getting the level of communication down pat is too. I would also think that if your Mother says he has never gone to meet the other woman and does not want to, and has never actually called her, then she must take a look at that very statement and ask why she should be worried. The other woman would seem to pose no threat.

In either case, I believe your Mother and her man-friend could do with some more practice communicating to each other. Whether she chooses to do so about her feelings, the frequency of phoning, what he thinks of his friend (and I note here that the third subject is potentially dangerous territory and should only be explored under surer footing than seems to currently be present), or to change nothing at all, is up to her. I wish her luck in her endeavors no matter the case.

In the future, if it doesn't work out, assure her of two things. Firstly, that love can come of something when you least expect it, no matter how old you are. And second, even if she should never be able to find that one suitable human male, this will not make her any less successful in life. And there are always other creatures happy to be loved and cared for by such a wonderful lady as she.

But I'm sure the both of you know that already.

Yours,
Lucifer

snowleop · Oct 19, 2005

Dear Lucifer,

We just wanted to let you know that we think you are an extremely articulate kitty-cat. We have enjoyed reading your eloquent musings and will continue to do so. We look forward to your next installment.

Love,

Molly and Penelope

carolcat · Oct 19, 2005

Dere Lucifer, Jasper here, just wanted to say hi and apologize for not talkin with you earlier. Lots of stuff has been going on at our house and me and my lil sister Tia haven't been gettin the usual puter time to talk to our friends or to welcome new ones. We like yur advice column and want to assure you that you are welcome on our thread anytime. Congratulations on your new endever! yur new friends jasper and tia...

katachtig · Oct 19, 2005

Dear Lucifer,

Anotter kwestion. How did a sofisticated, erudite kitty like yurself end up in Texas?

Luzeee

snowleop · Oct 19, 2005

Originally Posted by katachtig

Dear Lucifer,

Anotter kwestion. How did a sofisticated, erudite kitty like yurself end up in Texas?

Luzeee

I'm sorry, I was sort of wondering the same thing... it's hard to let go of stereotypes, sometimes...

gemlady · Oct 19, 2005

Dear Lucifer,

How can I get my Sweetie's big fluffybutted bro to stop biting her precious pointed ears?

The White Tornado

yosemite · Oct 19, 2005

Ari, I'd be very careful about calling Jasper a fluffybutt (but I always get a chuckle out of it). You sure are a daring young fellow because I'm sure fluffybutt, er Jasper, outweighs you by some few pounds.

laureen227 · Oct 19, 2005

Originally Posted by katachtig

Dear Lucifer,

Anotter kwestion. How did a sofisticated, erudite kitty like yurself end up in Texas?

Luzeee

Dear Lucifer,
Just ignore this poster - obviously she has no idea of the culture here in the Lone Star State.

My question is this - is such an erudite, sophisticated gentlemen such as yourself romantically available?

Hoping to hear that you are, I am the lovely
Pixel

tabaqui · Oct 19, 2005

Will wonders never cease. I feel sorry for the mailman; as many times as he's come to my door today with these letters, the housemutt still keeps barking at him. I'm going to have to consult with Mother about putting a muzzle on that dreadful beast! Or at the very least, buying me some earplugs...
------------------------------

Dear Molly, Penelope, and Lucy,

I'm not offended at all by the question, or the humorous remarks. In fact, just the other day a native Texan cat came up to the window, and I tried conversing with him. Unfortunately, all I could get out of him was talk of cows and his opinion as to whether or not the giant decorative bathtub down by the local 'shaw peen maul' really exists. He then insisted he had baked beans to attend to in the garbage can back home and that he should get back before they got thrown out. Strange fellow.

I'm afraid I don't remember where I came from or how I got to Texas; my earliest memories are arriving on Mother's porch at about five or six months of age. She thinks I must have come from a fine home, though. As for my refined manners and generous intelligence, I must attribute them to the education system. Every day I like to sit with her as she reads one of her "books". My personal recommendations are:

A Tail of Two Cities
The Brothers Katamazov
Animal Farm
The Catterbury Tales
The Scarlet Litterbox
The Prince (every feline worth his fur should know about Machiavelli)

As always, thank you for inquiring and for the continuing compliments... tinged with smartypants-ness though they may be. Ahaha.

Yours,
Lucifer

------------------------------
So much typing! Still, it is my duty as an enlightened cat to provide all members of my species and their acquaintances with help, and so I continue.
------------------------------

Dear, er, Tornado,

Simple.

Tell her to bite him back.

Yours,
Lucifer

------------------------------
Onwards!
------------------------------

Dear Jasper (and Tia),

Still dealing with recent changes myself, I understand how it can throw off your scheduled times at the Machine. A belated welcome is as--ahaha, welcome--as one done in a timely fashion. I will be sure to visit the both of you in your thread whenever possible.

Yours,
Lucifer

------------------------------
What's this? Proposals of love already? My, my. I knew advice columnists were paw-pular (woohaha! I slay me), but not this much!
------------------------------

Dear Pixel,

Alas, my charming little delight. I am to be a lifelong bachelor; according to Mother it is for the sake of preventing the world being overrun by what would surely be the frighteningly powerful hordes of my devious, hyper-intelligent kittenspawn. It is truly a noble sacrifice, and one I have undertaken for the betterment of this planet. Even if I think she's pulling my leg, slightly.

I am, however, always on the market for new and very good friends, and would be pleased to be yours.

Yours,
Lucifer

------------------------------
All this work has got me tired. I believe I need a stiff drink. Mother! Bring me a fishbowl. Two guppies, no ice--shaken, not stirred.

batgirl2good · Oct 19, 2005

(((Lucifer)) Thank u! U are a very wise feline.

Meomwy namet me Humble because I am a humble gray tabby cat. My bruvver an me are good boys.

laureen227 · Oct 19, 2005

Originally Posted by Tabaqui

------------------------------
What's this? Proposals of love already? My, my. I knew advice columnists were paw-pular (woohaha! I slay me), but not this much!
------------------------------

Dear Pixel,

Alas, my charming little delight. I am to be a lifelong bachelor; according to Mother it is for the sake of preventing the world being overrun by what would surely be the frighteningly powerful hordes of my devious, hyper-intelligent kittenspawn. It is truly a noble sacrifice, and one I have undertaken for the betterment of this planet. Even if I think she's pulling my leg, slightly.

I am, however, always on the market for new and very good friends, and would be pleased to be yours.

Yours,
Lucifer

------------------------------
All this work has got me tired. I believe I need a stiff drink. Mother! Bring me a fishbowl. Two guppies, no ice--shaken, not stirred.

Dear Lucifer,
I always enjoy making new friends, & you can certainly consider yourself one! I think the reason I'm looking for a gentleman friend is because my sisters both have one. Cable is the girlfriend of Jasper, & Java is Smudge's girlfriend. Not having a man-cat of my own makes me feel a little left out. I guess I'll have to keep searching for that special someone...out there in cyber-space!
Pixel

sandra · Oct 19, 2005

Dear Lucifur,

My name is Patchescat and I am 9 years old. I have a question for ya....My sisfur Tiger who is a 7 year old tuxedo kitty won't stop chasing me. She follows me where ever I go also. How do I tell her to refrain from doing this?

yayi · Oct 19, 2005

Originally Posted by Tabaqui

Dear Wawa,

And whatever you do, just don't tell her she looks fat.

Yours,
Lucifer

QT outweighs and outsizes me! Hard to keep that a secret!

Originally Posted by Tabaqui

Dear Wawa,

Bringing her dead mice and killing spiders for her might be a start.

Yours,
Lucifer

Sorry Mr. Lucifer, but presents are reserved for meowmy. Perhaps I could ask her to go with me on my regular hunting trips.

Anyway, thank you very much, Mr. Lucifer.

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