A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough
to cover the bare essentials.
A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted"
received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband expects his wife to be perfect...and to understand why he's not.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take
a joke.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate
your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't
know son. I'm still paying for it."
A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who
made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked,
"And what was he before you married him?" The
woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The
husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love
and didn't notice."
As she hears the wedding march, three things
are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]
Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty,
and the happiness of pursuit.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he
loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms
soon have arms in woman's sink.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
I had some words with my wife and she had some
paragraphs with me.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
I never knew what real happiness was until I
got married... and then it was too late.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter
of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get
a divorce, I keep the house.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay full
attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were
drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for
the groom, it's curtains!
It doesn't matter how often a husband changes
his job; he still ends up with the same boss.
Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.
Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the
rooster.
Marriage is a great institution; but who wants
to live in an institution?
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement
ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her
Master's.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....
Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage is the mourning after the knot
before.
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does
insanity.
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her
in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she
would stay, in better spirits night and day.
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me
have her way.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some
mornings I just let her sleep.
Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16
wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!
The three stages of sex in marriage:
tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly
When a man opens the door of his car for his
wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
to cover the bare essentials.
A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted"
received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband expects his wife to be perfect...and to understand why he's not.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take
a joke.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate
your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't
know son. I'm still paying for it."
A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who
made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked,
"And what was he before you married him?" The
woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The
husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love
and didn't notice."
As she hears the wedding march, three things
are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]
Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty,
and the happiness of pursuit.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he
loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms
soon have arms in woman's sink.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
I had some words with my wife and she had some
paragraphs with me.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
I never knew what real happiness was until I
got married... and then it was too late.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter
of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get
a divorce, I keep the house.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay full
attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were
drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for
the groom, it's curtains!
It doesn't matter how often a husband changes
his job; he still ends up with the same boss.
Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.
Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the
rooster.
Marriage is a great institution; but who wants
to live in an institution?
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement
ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her
Master's.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....
Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage is the mourning after the knot
before.
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does
insanity.
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her
in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she
would stay, in better spirits night and day.
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me
have her way.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some
mornings I just let her sleep.
Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16
wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!
The three stages of sex in marriage:
tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly
When a man opens the door of his car for his
wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
