Darwin Awards
It's that time again . . . . . They are finally out again. You all know
about the Darwin Awards -
it's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest
service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees are:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house
down, killing both him and his sister.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed
225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white
saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a
schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had
the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The
other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube
approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into
his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police
found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family
very awkward.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants
of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They
were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not
breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch
naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she
noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and
removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the
police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had
made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they
discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of
putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two
electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).
According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the
sanders, electrocuting him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and
killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's
attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started
urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the
correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police
said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together,
wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake
Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police
spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was
found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than
the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police
say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a
gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had
been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon
entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark.
To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described
the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving
an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter
like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to
three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was
virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing
the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And the winner . . . The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of
smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at
the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash,
but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab
finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy
had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a
solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an
extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy
Impala out into the desert and found a long and straight stretch of road.
Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and
fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the
operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of
approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the
prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if
operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds,
causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at
full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be
pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog
fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become
insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile
remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before
the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and
leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an
additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet
leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's
remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and
hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were
removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering
wheel. Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach
It's that time again . . . . . They are finally out again. You all know
about the Darwin Awards -
it's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest
service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees are:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house
down, killing both him and his sister.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed
225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white
saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a
schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had
the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The
other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube
approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into
his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police
found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family
very awkward.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants
of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They
were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not
breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch
naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she
noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and
removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the
police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had
made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they
discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of
putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two
electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).
According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the
sanders, electrocuting him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and
killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's
attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started
urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the
correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police
said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together,
wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake
Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police
spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was
found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than
the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police
say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a
gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had
been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon
entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark.
To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described
the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving
an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter
like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to
three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was
virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing
the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And the winner . . . The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of
smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at
the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash,
but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab
finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy
had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a
solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an
extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy
Impala out into the desert and found a long and straight stretch of road.
Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and
fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the
operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of
approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the
prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if
operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds,
causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at
full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be
pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog
fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become
insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile
remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before
the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and
leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an
additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet
leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's
remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and
hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were
removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering
wheel. Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach
