I really need some support right now.

kiwideus

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Originally Posted by ugaimes

I am just sickened by how he is acting now. A great relationship isn't just about unbridled passion and lust. That stuff is great, but it has it's high points and it's low points. A great relationship is about communication, trust, loving the other no matter what, and being each other's best friend. Katherine, in your maturity, YOU know that that is what makes a great relationship, but Brendan seems to prescribe to the movie version of what good love is. I have a feeling he is in for a very rude awakening...

to you. Whether you know it or not, you are getting stronger with each day that passes and (not to sound like a bad infomercial or something, but...) you will come out of all of this the winner. You are going to gain strength, clarity, and a better sense of who YOU are; that I will personally guarantee.
I agree with Amy - although it would be nice to have unbridled passion and lust but then we would never get out of bed and actually get to know each other as people.
I have already said, you are a beautiful woman Katherine - and by reading your posts, you are getting stronger and and you WILL come out on top - and like Amy said, you will gain all that strength, clarity and a better sense of yourself. You are still so young and you have a long future ahead of you - use that time right now for yourself, not for him, not for anyone else - but for yourself. I was single for 5 years before I met and married Jake and I do not regret that time, I am glad that i was single for so long - sure I did have fun with men, but nothing serious - thats all it was, fun. I became stronger as a person, I knew myself better, what I wanted, even what I wanted in a man and I got him - I am glad I waited instead of looking for him. It just happened and I am glad it did.



Everything happens for a reason Katherine - we may not see it at the time but later on in life, we will see it and it will become crystal clear. Idon't mind listening to you talk about this, my heart goes out to you and I try and think of something intelligent to say - most of the time I never have something intelligent to say which is why I hardly reply to posts - but I hope mine does sound okay here!

 
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katspixiedust

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You guys are so great.
Amy and Kellye, I know you guys are right about the way he's acting. This whole thing is killing me but I do know that I deserve better than what I've gotten. I gave him too much to be dropped like this. It just hurts me so much that he couldn't be more mature and that it's come to this.

You guys might like to know that my mom brought a green tupperware tub with her and we put most of the pictures, photo albums, stuffed animals, and jewelry that he's given me into the tub. It was just so hard having all of that around me, and I know I won't be able to wear the jewelry for a long time without feeling incredibly saddened by it. Putting all of those things away though was really gut wrenching. I bawled through the hwole process and I think it was so upsetting mainly because I know that they may never be out again. We did go shopping though for new things to decorate my room with since SO much of it was either artwork that he had done or pictures or various other things that were about he and I. I still have a couple of pieces of artwork by him up, simply because I wasn't ready to completely remove him from my room, but it's so painful to come to grips with the fact that if we're ever going to be together again it can't be for a looooooooooooong time. He has a lot of growing up to do because I can't put myself in the position to be hurt like that again.

BIIIIIIIIIG
to you all for the support you've given me so far!
 

luvmysphynx

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I am so glad you are doing a little better. It does not feel like it now, but it will get better. You are a strong beautiful woman and you deserve so much better! Hang in there....
 
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katspixiedust

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Well, everything in my room is all changed around and I've taken him off of my buddy list. It was such a painful thing to do, but I know it was important. I was just sitting around checking his away messages every 5 minutes. I still have the urge to look him up online, but I'm trying so hard to resist it.

My roommate broke up with her boyfriend, Brendan's best friend, last night. It seems like everything is being thrown into turmoil.

I still can't eat or sleep right. I just feel this awful anxiety in my stomach and heart at almost all times, and it makes me feel sick to think about the fact that I can't go back to my old life. I hate thinking about going through life without him. I miss him so much, and I hope he's at least having a hard time with this and missing me...since it wasn't his feelings for me that have changed. I do think that he's trying his best to ignore it all together though, like he's running from it or something.

Oh well. At least I have an amazing support system. I have to go teach a class now and then go to a class, both of which seem like such difficult tasks to me. It was exactly one week ago today that this happened, and I wish I knew how much longer I'd be struggling with this or if he was ever going to be back in my life down the road when he's grown up.
 

turtlecat

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Honey, you're doing great!

I know it's so hard right now, but you will see your way through this, and will be better off once you're done. TRY to eat and stay hydrated, and it may do you good to put some soft music on while you sleep, because it will mask the fact that there's no one breathing next to you.

1. DENIAL
2. ANGER
3. BARGAINING
4. DEPRESSION
5. ACCEPTANCE

Thise are the 5 stages of grief. It will take a little while to get through this, but you will. We don't have to go through the stages in sequence. We can skip a stage or go through two or three simultaneously. We can go through them in different time phases.
But really, you don't start to grrieve until you move through those stages, but then it's something you can live with and is not a millstone around your neck.

The road ahead is Rocky. But you have friends here and around you that will be there for you!
 

rockcat

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Oh Katherine!
I keep typing and deleting. I don't want to say the wrong thing. I want to help you feel better, but I can't find the words. My heart is heavy for you, hon.

Your days will get brighter. Try to remember how wonderful Katherine is.

I hope you don't mind, but I'm praying that you will feel better.
 

AbbysMom

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I'm just catching up with this thread again. Katherine - you are doing great! Packing up some of the stuff, and rearranging and taking him off of your buddy list was the right thing to do! I'm proud of you! You will slowly stop thinking about what "was" or "could have been" and will start looking toward the future! Keep your chin up high!
 
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katspixiedust

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Thanks you three, I really mean it. I can definitely see how I'm bouncing around the different grief stages. I'm depressed, I'm angry, in some ways I'm still in denial (I can't stop thinking, "I can't believe this happened to me"), and I'm even bargaining because I just keep hoping that one day he'll mature and we'll be back together. It's such a hard path to be on right now when everything feels like it takes all of my energy to accomplish, but it's so comforting to have all of you here to understand me and give me support. It's really amazing.

I don't mind you praying for me at all Renee, in fact, thank you very much. The gesture is really touching. I can't tell you how much I appreciate things like that because it really makes me hope that things will start to feel like they're turning around soon.

And thanks for the encouragement about taking everything down and everything. It was just such a hard process because I couldn't let go of the fact that they may never be up in my room like they were again. I guess I'm not quite to the part about accepting it fully.

Right now my heart just feels like it's got a giant hole in it. My whole body feels like it's not really living, I'm just kind of going through the motions. I still am hoping that he'll grow up and we'll be together again, but the thought that even if that does happen it won't be for such a long time is enough to really grip me. I am just missing all of the small things we used to do, and I'm having such a hard time remembering that this is probably not easy on him either, even if he is trying to make it look that way. He cares about me and we had a functioning long-term relationship, no one could walk away from that without some serious pain. That's what I keep telling myself at least.

Thanks again you guys, and please, if you want to say anything at all...say it. I love hearing from you guys, it really does give me a little boost in my day.
 

lillekat

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aaaaw sweetie - it sounds like you and your roomie could do with a serious girl's night in together! This is really tough for you right now, so I think a girlie night would do you BOTH wonders! This is the kind of time where you're supposed to roll up your sleeves and yell "To hang with men, I don't need them!" and then sit down to watch a movie with your two best friends... Ben and Jerry.
Hun, this man isn't worth it if he can't grow up. You put so much into this relationship, so now that you have the chance, put even more into YOU. Pain can't be cured overnight, but it sure can be put on hold for a little while to give your head some relief. Take time to book a facial somewhere nice, have a massage or something... a real YOU treat.

This is one of the reasons why cats are better than men.... the rest include:

1. Cats don't hog the TV remote.

2. Cats don't complain when their food comes from a can.

3. Cats always think you're wonderful.

4. Cats don't care if your underwear doesn't match, or if you slob around in your dressing-gown all day.

5. When cats want to snuggle, they only want to snuggle, so you don't have to make up any excuses about having headaches and stuff.....
 

MoochNNoodles

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Aww Katherine! You've been in my thoughts and prayers a lot lately. I think taking him off your buddy list is a big step! I think as hard as this is, you are doing really good! And you know we don't mind 'listening'!!!
 

flisssweetpea

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Katherine I think you are being so courageous and mature through all of this. I'm sure Brendan is feeling confused right now, but he also seems to be rather selfish in that he's happy to keep you hanging around while he makes up his mind.

I think you have done the right thing in removing the things that keep your life on hold - your mum sounds fantastic, she knows just what to do to take care of you.

Please know that we are all here for you and wishing you the very best - don't ever worry about telling us how you feel. You keep on coming here and updating us as much as you need to
 

maherwoman

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I'm so sorry to hear that, Hun. It's so hard to feel like you've lost your love.

I don't have much else to offer other than the fact that I've been there, and I'm so sorry you're going through that now. Hopefully he'll come to his senses, and you guys will be fine again.


Until then, we all send you our
and
. I hope that does even a little to console your broken heart.
 

tari

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Hey, Katherine! I've been away for the weekend, but I was thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. I'm glad to hear you're hanging in there...and even taken a few big steps!!

I agree with Amy and Kellye. It sounds like Brandon has a whole bunch of growing up to do. Every relationship cools off a bit after a while, and experiences normal ebbs and flows. I'm sure he loves you in his own way, but it seems like a pretty darn selfish way to me if he's not willing to stick it out during the less romantic times.

Like I've said before, there WILL be a much, much happier horizon for you in the future. It probably doesn't feel like it now, but someday you'll look back at this and think how it helped you in the long run...either because it helped you improve your relationship with Brandon or because you got out of a relationship with a guy who just didn't deserve you. (I know I keep saying that, but believe me...I've been there and done that and have the T-shirt to prove it.) Unfortunately, though, the only way out of a heartbreak like this is through it.

 

cheeseface

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Oh No!!! Katherine!... No one saw this thread coming. I just read all 10 pages and I didn't think it would end up this way between you two.
A few words of comfort I can offer you is that he doesn't seem to be celebrating this break up. It's hard for him to let go, but he needs to do that. Trust me. If you try to push the envelope and ask him questions, you will just make it worse and lessen the chance of him wanting you back. I'm sorry this is happening Katherine. I never would have guessed.
 

mzjazz2u

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Aww that's so hard. I'm sorry you're going through this. But be strong and be his friend. More then likely he'll come around when he sees you're strong and sweet and not all bitter like some folks get.
 
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katspixiedust

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All of this support is so comforting, I can't even tell you. I wish I could give you all big hugs in person to thank you for being so caring.


I've definitely decided that he will need to contact me now. I'm not calling him or IMing him or anything. I know that'll be a huge shock to him, I'm sure that he's expecting me to be calling him and everything. I know that nothing he could say to me right now is going to make me feel better, and if I call him and force him to talk to me when he doesn't want to I'm only going to end up hurt all over again. It's tough, because I just wish that he could comfort me somehow, but it's something I know I have to do. Hopefully he'll contact me again before too long though.

I realize that this didn't end because his attraction or feelings about me changed, or because of any breakdown in our relationship, but because of a breakdown within him. It basically seems to me like he just doesn't have the capacity to be IN love with anyone right now, and so I've basically been pushed out. I understand that rationally, but sometimes it's hard to remember that when I'm feeling abandoned or like I didn't live up to what I used to be.

It's just such a killer to realize taht we can't be together for a long while, simply because he NEEDS to mature and the only way to do that is through experience. I can't take him back, if he ever wants to come back, until he's gone through this because I can't put myself in a position to be hurt again in the same way. That's one of the parts that hurts the most.

Thanks again for everything you guys. Ryan, I wish you were down here in Florida, I would ask you to take me out on a sympathy "boost my confidence" date!
 

cheeseface

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Originally Posted by katspixiedust

All of this support is so comforting, I can't even tell you. I wish I could give you all big hugs in person to thank you for being so caring.


I've definitely decided that he will need to contact me now. I'm not calling him or IMing him or anything. I know that'll be a huge shock to him, I'm sure that he's expecting me to be calling him and everything. I know that nothing he could say to me right now is going to make me feel better, and if I call him and force him to talk to me when he doesn't want to I'm only going to end up hurt all over again. It's tough, because I just wish that he could comfort me somehow, but it's something I know I have to do. Hopefully he'll contact me again before too long though.

I realize that this didn't end because his attraction or feelings about me changed, or because of any breakdown in our relationship, but because of a breakdown within him. It basically seems to me like he just doesn't have the capacity to be IN love with anyone right now, and so I've basically been pushed out. I understand that rationally, but sometimes it's hard to remember that when I'm feeling abandoned or like I didn't live up to what I used to be.

It's just such a killer to realize taht we can't be together for a long while, simply because he NEEDS to mature and the only way to do that is through experience. I can't take him back, if he ever wants to come back, until he's gone through this because I can't put myself in a position to be hurt again in the same way. That's one of the parts that hurts the most.

Thanks again for everything you guys. Ryan, I wish you were down here in Florida, I would ask you to take me out on a sympathy "boost my confidence" date!
If I was down in Florida, I'd probably ask you first! You're an awesome person for anyone to be around Katherine!
Take care and lean on the family and friends you have, including us at TCS.
 
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katspixiedust

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Well I haven't cried yet today, and I this is the first time I haven't since it happened. Mornings are usually when I feel the worst, and I definitely felt terrible this morning, but I stopped myself from crying. I was doing pretty good last night actually, I was laughing and making plans, but I was talking to Brendan's roommate Eric (we're friends and I'm not going to stop being his friend just because he's Brendan's roommate, though I of course won't go over to their house or anything like that) and he made some comment about how Hida (Brendan's kitten for those of you who don't know) was afraid of the rain. It was 2:20am and Hida always sleeps with Brendan, so that of course triggered in me...well where's Brendan? So, I asked.
Eric said that he didn't know where he was but that he wasn't home. He said that he had called him a bit earlier to ask if he was all right, as in alive, and Brendan had said that he was but didn't say where he was. It's just weird because most of the people Brendan hangs ou with are good friends of Eric's, so if Brendan had been with one of those guys Eric would have definitely known and been invited. It just made me feel nervous and sick to not know what he was doing, the worst possible scenarios kept coming into my head. I mean it was 2:20am on a Monday night (or technically Tuesday morning I guess)! So I worried about it all night with these terrible thoughts of how he's with another girl or something swirling through my head. Then this morning when I woke up I caved and checked his away message.
It said, "40s of OE and Hennessey for every one of my friends." I was doing so great with not checking his messages and was feeling better because I wasn't always concerned about what he was doing, but this was really a setback. I think I need to tell Eric from now on that even if I ask where Brendan is he needs to just not tell me, unless he's sulking and missing me somewhere hehe.

It's strange because I thought that Brendan would have been talking to Eric about it at least a LITTLE bit, but he's not. Apparently he only told Eric that it had happened and really nothing more than that. All Eric could say about it was something about how at least he's eating again now. I can't believe he isn't talking to ANYONE about it! Is he seriously running from it that much, or does he just want to forget about me and not want to rehash what's happened with anyone?

I just feel crappy this morning, and I hate that I know he was out so late last night because it makes me wonder what he was up to. I'm trying so hard to be strong but this is just driving me crazy!
 

valanhb

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Katherine, this is going to sound so harsh, but...

You really need to totally distance yourself from Brendan for the time being. When you're talking to mutual friends, if they bring him up you have to tell them that you can't talk about that right now. It's a good plan to tell Eric not to tell you anything about what Brendan's doing, because it will set you back every time. Even if he is sulking over you, that will just feed into the Denial phase of the grief process. And really, you have to move on from Brendan. Either he will mature or he won't. Either he will see what a wonderful woman that you really or, or he won't. But none of that is in your control.

For your own mental well being, you have to concentrate on what you DO have control of - YOU! Concentrate on what you need to do to move forward. Think of things that YOU want, things that YOU want to try, that YOU enjoy doing. Then do those things, buy those things you want!!

You're really doing great! And that you realized that you can't keep hearing what Brendan is doing is a giant step forward.
 
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