I really need some support right now.

katspixiedust · Sep 29, 2005

Now that I've talked to him I keep getting the urge to call him! All of these questions that I want to ask keep swirling through my head and I just want to tell him more about how I feel! Each time I get the urge I've been contacting friends instead. This is so difficult!

My roommate gave me her perspective of what she thinks is going on. She said taht it's pretty obvious that he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. He's still young and immature and so he reacts immaturely at times in relationships. Her thought is that he's just trying to figure out who he is right now. She said that it's obvious taht he cares a whole lot about me and is really not wanting me to be out of his life, but that odds are he's going to end up hooking up with some random girls during this time while he figures himself out. Her opinion is that hooking up with these girls could potentially open him up to realize how much he really needs and wants me in the end, but that he'll have to live through these experiences and deal with these issues he's having with himself first. She's done pretty much the exact same thing a few times now and so she thinks that he understands where his head is right now, though of course only he can know for sure. Of course she doesn't think his behavior is fair, but she thinks she gets it. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens, but sometimes timing is a real pain in the behind! I honestly feel that if we were a few years older things would be at a different place right now because he'd have done his maturing and finding himself, since this break-up was not due to a loss of functioning in the relationship or a loss of caring, respect, or attraction for each other.

What a pain in the arse age this is. I get the feeling that when I'm older and looking back at my early 20's I'll be saying, "That was fun, but thank God I'll never have to go back there again!" All I want is my boyfriend back, because I am well aware of how incredible our functioning as a couple was, and I just miss him so much. Why can't the boy have just already done his maturing and gotten it over with? I get the feeling that he's going to discover that he wasn't missing out on much in pretty short order since I never stopped him from going out with his friends or anything of the sort. Whether or not he'll come back to me after he realizes taht is a totally different story, but at this point I wish he would.

Any thoughts or words of comfort? You all have just been so incredible so far.

vespacat · Sep 29, 2005

Katherine, there's one piece of advice I'm certain of, and that is do NOT cave. Calling him now would be the worst mistake for a future between the two of you. I know this from plenty of personal experience.

As I mentioned in a previous post, keep yourself busy and get to know who YOU are, and hang out with your friends. He is obviously interested in exploring unchartered territory. It's only fair and right for you to do the same. Good luck.

gailc · Sep 29, 2005

I think your roommate is correct in her assessment of the situation. BN (before Neil) the boy/man I was going out with for a yr or two (its been over 25 yrs ago) I thought he was the one. I was working and he was going to grad school. But he would go back home more and more often and I wasn't invited. He was hanging around some girls he new as an undergrad. Then too he wasn't working and had a large student loan and was spending it pretty freely-a portable bar!! He had more shoes than I did!!
I don't remember the breakup anymore but it was tough for a while however I had been seeing the writing on the wall. I figure if I would have married him we would have been in serious debt and who knows what else.
So hang in there wait and see what happens -take one day at a time!!

tari · Sep 29, 2005

Originally Posted by vespacat

Katherine, there's one piece of advice I'm certain of, and that is do NOT cave. Calling him now would be the worst mistake for a future between the two of you. I know this from plenty of personal experience.

As I mentioned in a previous post, keep yourself busy and get to know who YOU are, and hang out with your friends. He is obviously interested in exploring unchartered territory. It's only fair and right for you to do the same. Good luck.

Sometimes boys really do suck.

It honestly sounds like he doesn't know WHAT he really does want right now. He wants to be "free" of a girlfriend, but keep you on a string as "a friend"...NO you can't be "just friends"...it's WAY too late to go there. Why do guys always say that?

Hang in there, Katherine, and give him PLENTY of space to realize how it'll be without you. Believe me, it's going to take him a L O N G time to get over you, especially once he realizes what he's done.

As far as how long it'll take...it'll take as long as it takes. Don't try to set any expectations on yourself as far as that goes. As the others have said, it IS a death of something that meant a great deal to you. I'll take some time to get over it, but you will. And who knows what other wonderful things fate has in store for you for the future. (There was a time when I felt I couldn't live without my ex-fiancee. Then I met my husband...who's 20 times more wonderful than my ex ever was.) We'll all be here for you no matter how long it takes...and your family and friends will, too.

Here's another quote for you for today: "Always know in your heart that you are far bigger than anything that can happen to you." -Dan Zandra

MoochNNoodles · Sep 29, 2005

Awww hon! I'm so sorry I'm just catching up on this. I think everyone has given you good advice and you have a good head on your shoulders! Stay strong!

I know this is not the exact same thing, but a few months after my husband and I started dating I panicked a bit. We were getting really comfortable around each other and what not. Then suddenly I felt panicked. I didn't really know why. I started getting moody and pushing him away. Then one night a friend of mine called and basically said 'what are you doing you idiot? Your gonna loose him!' So I got my tail to his (now our) house. I still didn't fully get over whatever it was for a few weeks but I eventually did. We were both still young. I'm only 2 years older than you. (Your 21 right?

) I'm still not sure why that happend. The only thing I can figure is that everything was so new to me I just felt overwhelmed. Since you've been together so long I'm not thinking that is exactly the case. But maybe because hes at sort of a new stage of adulthood he is thinking somewhat different and that could be confusing/scaring/etc him.

Keep your head up! Rant away on here!

katspixiedust · Sep 29, 2005

Thanks for the support! I'm actually 22, but Brendan JUST turned 21 a couple of weeks ago.

emb_78 · Sep 29, 2005

I a sorry!!!

I personally think everything happens for a reason... I see you guys getting back together!!! You let me know! I can feel it!!

katspixiedust · Sep 30, 2005

Mornings are the absolute worst. I wake up and it's like it hits me so hard and all I can feel is the tightness in my chest and the fear that I can never have those things with him that we had before. It's really when I feel the absolute lowest.

Last night I went over to my brother's place and he and his wife took me out to dinner and then watched a movie. I really appreciated them doing that for me, but it was so hard to have a good time. I'm trying my best though, I really am. Pretty soon I'm going to be driving back to Orlando so that I can teach a group ex class but the thought of having to teach when I feel like this is painful. Right now I'm really wishing that my mom was going to be coming over today. I told her not to come until Saturday though because I'm going to dinner and a movie with my friends Luke and Lauren tonight. Now I'm wishing that I hadn't agreed to do anything and that my mom could just come and hold me all day instead. I know I need to get out and everything, but it takes so much effort right now. Hopefully my roommate will be around during the afternoon because I don't want to be around my apartment alone. The weekend is going to be the absolute hardest though. Saturday I have to work at the visitation center and still have to teach 2 classes in the afternoon, classes that Brendan always used to come too. Those are going to be so difficult to get through and I'm already scared of having to do them. My mom promised that she'd be at my place shortly after I was done at the visitation center so at least she'll be there. Saturday night is when Brendan used to spend the night and I know that that night will be the hardest. My mom will be leaving sometime Sunday afternoon, and then I'll be heading to work. When I get back I'm going to a mystery dinner theater show with Tiffany's family, but again I don't want to be going, I'm just doing it because I know that I should. All that I want is to be spending time with him. I want this horrible thing to have disappeared and for us to be back the way we used to be.

I've wanted to call him so badly all night. Now that he's called me once it's been so hard to fight the urge. I want to hear his voice, I want him to change his mind, I want to ask him more questions...I just don't want this to be happening. It still feels like some really awful nightmare. I know I shouldn't call him, that way he'll be able to see that I'm being strong about this, but this whole thing is just overwhelming. I know he's missing me and doing the same things I am -- keeping busy and just taking each moment at a time -- but that's just not enough. I feel like I want to keep hearing him say how much he misses me. I'm really so afraid of him getting over me. I want him in my day-to-day life so badly. It's so hard to not be able to call him a couple of times a day or at night to say goodnight. It's just hard to function knowing that this is something that he wanted for himself. I just feel like we could have worked through it together, but I guess he's at a place in his life where he needs to discover himself by himself. It's obvious that the last thing he wants is for me to be out of his life permanently, but he doesn't know if he'll want me in his life as his girlfriend again...when that's all that I want. I get the feeling that if we tried to be friends we'd always have a mutual attraction going on. I just don't want to have to get over him, I want him to realize that life without me sucks and that he really made the wrong decision.

This morning is obviously really hard for me. Thanks for listening yet again you guys.

coolcat · Sep 30, 2005

...

valanhb · Sep 30, 2005

Katherine, one thing you could try to do is write him when you feel the need to call. Write a letter. A LONG letter, with everything you want to ask him and to tell him. Just keep adding to it. But write to him like you are talking to him, even though you know you won't get the answers you're looking for. Allow yourself to sob to him, scream at him (when that time comes, and trust me, it will), scowl at him, and forgive him.

One thing though...don't sent it. (I made that mistake once...I sent the letter. All 20+ pages of it. It was returned unopened - now THAT was a heartbreaker!)

There's a line from the movie "Somebody Like You" that I keep thinking of whenever I think of what you're going through. "Jane, Ray is not the last man you'll ever love." But I'll amend it: Katherine, Brandon may not be the last man you'll ever love. And if he doesn't come back, I guarantee that he won't be the last man you'll ever love who will love you back twice as much!

tari · Sep 30, 2005

That's great advice, Heidi!

blueberrybeth · Sep 30, 2005

Heidi's got the right idea! Keep on living Katherine, even if it feels fake for a while. You are still you!

And yes, Brandon isn't the only one you could love. I loved my ex-boyfriend SO MUCH, I thought I was gonna die when we broke up. As if my heart would stop it hurt so badly. However, in the midst of my heartbreak, my husband showed up! And life is SO much better now than it would have been with love #1. Life is what happens when you are making other plans...

Oh, and another aphorism - Courage is being scared to death and doing something anyway. You are courageous!

katspixiedust · Sep 30, 2005

Thank you so much you guys.

I don't think I could explain to you all how much your words really help me through the day. I mean that from the bottom of my heart too.

I thought you all might be interested in knowing that I've been fairly angry today. I'm so hurt that this has happened, and I've just been so pissed off that he's treating me like this. He hasn't given me the respect someone you really care about deserves. He continually does things to self preserve, he doesn't want to have to see my grief, and he wants me doing things on his terms. Well that is totally unfair. I've been by his side through thick and thin for many years now and he should have handled this whole situation with so much more care than he's been doing. It seems to me that he just gets in a "weird" place, gets freaked out, and runs for the hills without any discussion of the situation with ME first! I love him so much and have given so much of myself to him that it's really crushing to be left in the dust like this. I know from talking to him yesterday that he's really hurting too, but I really feel like I've gotten a raw deal here. I hope he really does a lot of maturing during this time.

kluchetta · Sep 30, 2005

Katherine, you're going to be surprised at how many people have been where you are. I'm glad you're angry today. You should be, and the rest of us have been for you until now.

I got the old, "oh, I don't know if I'm in love, I don't think I want to get married again," stuff too. (we were older, and had both been married before.) So, after a fair amount of whining an embarrassing myself, I got on with things. Which turned out the best thing I could do. Six months later he called me and simply said, "I miss you." Of course it took a while to get back together. But that was about 18 years ago, and we've been married for almost 15! Either way, you'll learn a lot about yourself, and you'll find out you're stronger than you ever thought you could be!

tari · Sep 30, 2005

Katherine, I'm glad you're angry today, too. Believe it or not, it means that the healing process is beginning (though I know it probably doesn't feel like it). Anger is the second stage of the grieving process...and you ARE grieving. Something you cared for very much has died.

Kim's right, too. So many of us around here have been through the same thing. Some of us were able to patch things up and have a stronger relationship for it. For others it meant the end of a relationship, which opened the door for new possibilities. The thing to remember is that we all made it through to a brighter, happier time and you will, too. Also, regardless of the outcome, we know what you're going through and remember how you're feeling just now...AND we all care about you!

MoochNNoodles · Sep 30, 2005

Originally Posted by katspixiedust

Thanks for the support! I'm actually 22, but Brendan JUST turned 21 a couple of weeks ago.

I think thats why I thought you were 21 too...

It is ok and good to be angry. He disrupted your life, your 'normal'. I agree with the idea of writting him a letter. I've used that method and it did at least help me sort out my feelings. It's nice that you are so close with your mother. Sometimes Moms are just the best! It sounds like lots of people love and care about you. Just lean on them some, I'm sure the time will come when they need you too!

Keep your chin up! Your gettin through this!

katspixiedust · Oct 1, 2005

I talked to him again yesterday. I had some questions I wanted to ask him, and he answered them for me, but then he went back to not wanting to answer some of my questions because he didn't see how they had anything to do with what was going on. I explained to him that they were very relevant to me, and he told me that he didn't want to answer them because he thought that I was just going to try to use his answers to get him back. So in his eyes, him telling me that he doesn't think that he sees me as any less beautiful or attractive would mean that I was going to turn it around somehow and try to manipulate my way back together. I explained to him that as much as it hurt me to admit, I knew that there's no way for us to get back together until he's worked through this and matured. I told him that I knew that that wasn't going to be anytime soon. I added in that I hoped that one day we would wind up back together, but that I would be an idiot to be trying to get him back when he's already hurt me previously. He told me that he's been sleeping a lot and just trying to cope. He said that he's been hurting through all of this as well. At some point I made some comment about how it didn't feel like he loved me and his response was, "I've already told you that I love you, you know that." And I said, "I know you love me for who I am, and for what I've been to you, but you're not IN love with me, right?" His response was, "I guess." He told me that he's realized that the way he felt in the relationship had just changed. He said that he felt that he was just kind of complacent in it and that it wasn't as intense as it used to be and he wasn't as passionate about being in a relationship as he used to be, and that he felt that he was staying in it because it was easy since we worked together so well. Basically he said that he's not saying taht we will get together but he's not saying that we won't, because he has no idea what's going to happen in the future and he's not trying to look towards it at all right now. When I was asking him the questions that he didn't want me to ask, his tone turned cold and he wouldn't show me any emotion other than frustration with me. Finally I had to explain to him that if he didn't want me asking so many questions like that that he would need to show me more emotion because it's the fact that he's sounding so cold that I keep probing. I told him that I keep trying to figure out how he's feeling because he sounds so uncaring when he gets like that. He said that he understood and softened up. When we said goodbye he simply said, "I'll talk to you later."

It was such a hard conversation for me because even though I knew the things I had told him in my head, admitting that I knew it to HIM was just so painful. I know that he's missing me and having a hard time with this, but it's just so hard to accept when he refuses to show too much emotion with me. He's told me he misses me, he's told me he still really cares about me, he's told me that he really doesn't want to not have me in his life, he's told me he loves me and that he's trying to cope with this and that it hurts him and he feels lonely...but I just keep wanting to hear it from him more. I just miss having him in my life so much.

THanks for the 8millionth time for listening to me.

captiva · Oct 1, 2005

ugaimes · Oct 1, 2005

Originally Posted by katspixiedust

He told me that he's realized that the way he felt in the relationship had just changed. He said that he felt that he was just kind of complacent in it and that it wasn't as intense as it used to be and he wasn't as passionate about being in a relationship as he used to be, and that he felt that he was staying in it because it was easy since we worked together so well.

I am just sickened by how he is acting now. A great relationship isn't just about unbridled passion and lust. That stuff is great, but it has it's high points and it's low points. A great relationship is about communication, trust, loving the other no matter what, and being each other's best friend. Katherine, in your maturity, YOU know that that is what makes a great relationship, but Brendan seems to prescribe to the movie version of what good love is. I have a feeling he is in for a very rude awakening...

to you. Whether you know it or not, you are getting stronger with each day that passes and (not to sound like a bad infomercial or something, but...) you will come out of all of this the winner. You are going to gain strength, clarity, and a better sense of who YOU are; that I will personally guarantee.

coolcat · Oct 1, 2005

Originally Posted by katspixiedust

Thanks for the 8millionth time for listening to me.

...you donÂ´t need to say thanks!

.....
thatÂ´s why are the friends!

.....hang on Chick!

I really need some support right now.

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