Hey everyone! I know I havent been posting much but I have been checkin in once in a while... I've been really busy with work which is good because I really need the money! I've been workin 35 hour weeks, which isnt enough but it's better than I expected considering that I'm a part-timer and I'm not supposed to be working more than 29 hours a week... I spoke to my manager about my situation with my family and how I'm trying to save money for my mom to move back to NY so he's being really understanding and he's trying his best to help me out... I've been moved to customer service which is awesome because I've been trying to get that position since I was working in Yonkers S&S... I'm not in there permenantly because they need me as a cashier so I just have to deal with the few days a week for now until they hire more cashiers... He's also planning on putting me into the Associate Management Training program for the Front End... which is great because I'll be full time and I'll be able to transfer back to the city when my mom comes home...
I'm actually kinda nervous for my mom to be coming back because I'm not sure if I'll be able to live with her for very long... I've gotten to a point in my life where I really do not want to live with anyone, no matter who they are... I dont want to have to answer to anyone about where I'm going, what I'm doing or who I'm with... I want to live my life and be able to chose who I spend my time with... I dont want to be forced to spend my time with anyone, including my mother... I'd like to be able to choose when I see her the same way I can choose when to see anyone else... Living out here, in LI, I've had a lot of time to spend by myself and get to know myself better and I've gotten to a place where I enjoy being alone... Im not saying that I dont want to spend time with anyone but I dont depend on anyone to be there for me anymore... I miss certain people but I've learned how to live without others...
To be honest, I'm considering asking my mother to take the money that she's saved to move back to NY and give it to me to get my own place once I'm done with the AMT program... because she's made comments several times about not wanting me to move into my own place and moving back to Florida if I do... and I've tried to make her understand that I'm 23 years old and I NEED to have a place of my own... I don't want to, nor can I live with my parents or anyone else anymore and if she doesnt want to be here unless I'm living with her then she might as well not come back... We'll see what happens... for now I can't move anywhere until AMT is done...
I've got some news about Adrian and I... No, we're not together! LoL but things are a little better than they have been... When I was living at his house we had been arguing a lot and things started to get really awkward... We got into a fight the week before I moved out and he told me that based on the way I had been acting he felt that neither of us could handle being intimate with each other and not being in a relationship and he felt that it was best for us to stop that part of our relationship... So, we stopped... and it was really awkward because I knew that it was, in large part, my fault for acting the way I had and pushing for more when I knew that he wasnt ready for it and that I had more important things to be worrying about besides being in a relationship with him... I really felt like I ruined whatever chance I had of being with him because I couldnt be satisfied with what I did have.... but that wasnt really the bad part ... I was really treating him badly because I didnt have things the way I wanted and that wasnt fair to him... I dont totally blame myself for how everything happened... He definately had his share of the fault and he knows it... but things have changed since then....
A few weeks back, he came out to visit me... We've seen each other once a week or once every two weeks since I moved here but this was the first time he came here to visit... So, he came out pretty late one night and we hung out outside because my aunt wouldnt let him in the house... (that's a whole other story) but anyway... we were laying on the grass lookin up at the stars... I was leaning against him, rubbin his stomach.... and he started to fall asleep... I started to trace his lips with my finger and he opened his eyes and was like 'what's up?' so I said... 'I miss kissing u...' and he said 'I know... me too...' then, I said 'would you be mad at me if I kissed u?' and he said 'I dont want a repeat of what happened the last time, Lyz..' so I told him that I understood what happened the last time and that I didnt that to happen again either.. that I love him and I dont want to hurt him... I just want to make him happy... and that I wouldnt make the same mistakes again... then I asked him if he trusted me? and he nodded... so I leaned over and kissed him... I dont know what it is but I melt when I kiss him... it's like the whole world just stops... I know I've said it before but it's sooo true... nothing feels better to me... I could just kiss him for hours... I dont need to do anything else... kissing him is perfect...
(sigh) so, since then, things seem to be back to normal... I dont expect everyone to understand what goes on between us but right now, I'm happy with it... I'll admit that I still want more but I've also realized in the last few months that being in a relationship is NOT a priority in my life... I need to get myself settled before I can focus on sharing myself with someone else, whether that person is Adrian or someone else... so until then, there's no point in having the awkward conversations that we used to have about it...
Anyway...
I'm sleepy... I know this was a really long update... and to be honest I havent really finished... but I think I've given you guys enuff to read for the moment... I'll have to get into what's been going on with my aunt and my dad tomorrow when I'm not tired... cuz I've spoken to my dad... and I know Amy's gonna be interested in hearing about it
Hi Amy!!
PS.... I saw Malakai last weekend... He's definately mad at me... He came over to me and sniffed me but then when I went to pick him up he hissed at me... kinda like "Hi... I remember you... but I'm mad at you so dont touch me!" I guess he'll get over it at some point...
I'm actually kinda nervous for my mom to be coming back because I'm not sure if I'll be able to live with her for very long... I've gotten to a point in my life where I really do not want to live with anyone, no matter who they are... I dont want to have to answer to anyone about where I'm going, what I'm doing or who I'm with... I want to live my life and be able to chose who I spend my time with... I dont want to be forced to spend my time with anyone, including my mother... I'd like to be able to choose when I see her the same way I can choose when to see anyone else... Living out here, in LI, I've had a lot of time to spend by myself and get to know myself better and I've gotten to a place where I enjoy being alone... Im not saying that I dont want to spend time with anyone but I dont depend on anyone to be there for me anymore... I miss certain people but I've learned how to live without others...
To be honest, I'm considering asking my mother to take the money that she's saved to move back to NY and give it to me to get my own place once I'm done with the AMT program... because she's made comments several times about not wanting me to move into my own place and moving back to Florida if I do... and I've tried to make her understand that I'm 23 years old and I NEED to have a place of my own... I don't want to, nor can I live with my parents or anyone else anymore and if she doesnt want to be here unless I'm living with her then she might as well not come back... We'll see what happens... for now I can't move anywhere until AMT is done...
I've got some news about Adrian and I... No, we're not together! LoL but things are a little better than they have been... When I was living at his house we had been arguing a lot and things started to get really awkward... We got into a fight the week before I moved out and he told me that based on the way I had been acting he felt that neither of us could handle being intimate with each other and not being in a relationship and he felt that it was best for us to stop that part of our relationship... So, we stopped... and it was really awkward because I knew that it was, in large part, my fault for acting the way I had and pushing for more when I knew that he wasnt ready for it and that I had more important things to be worrying about besides being in a relationship with him... I really felt like I ruined whatever chance I had of being with him because I couldnt be satisfied with what I did have.... but that wasnt really the bad part ... I was really treating him badly because I didnt have things the way I wanted and that wasnt fair to him... I dont totally blame myself for how everything happened... He definately had his share of the fault and he knows it... but things have changed since then....
A few weeks back, he came out to visit me... We've seen each other once a week or once every two weeks since I moved here but this was the first time he came here to visit... So, he came out pretty late one night and we hung out outside because my aunt wouldnt let him in the house... (that's a whole other story) but anyway... we were laying on the grass lookin up at the stars... I was leaning against him, rubbin his stomach.... and he started to fall asleep... I started to trace his lips with my finger and he opened his eyes and was like 'what's up?' so I said... 'I miss kissing u...' and he said 'I know... me too...' then, I said 'would you be mad at me if I kissed u?' and he said 'I dont want a repeat of what happened the last time, Lyz..' so I told him that I understood what happened the last time and that I didnt that to happen again either.. that I love him and I dont want to hurt him... I just want to make him happy... and that I wouldnt make the same mistakes again... then I asked him if he trusted me? and he nodded... so I leaned over and kissed him... I dont know what it is but I melt when I kiss him... it's like the whole world just stops... I know I've said it before but it's sooo true... nothing feels better to me... I could just kiss him for hours... I dont need to do anything else... kissing him is perfect...
Anyway...
PS.... I saw Malakai last weekend... He's definately mad at me... He came over to me and sniffed me but then when I went to pick him up he hissed at me... kinda like "Hi... I remember you... but I'm mad at you so dont touch me!" I guess he'll get over it at some point...
