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do I have a right to be angry with family??

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
I need an outside perspective and thought maybe u guys can help me out. I just got an email from my sis who sent it to my work email. Luckily I set work email to be forwarded to my pager so I got her msg immediately. In this email, she informed me that our mom has been in hospital!. She said the reason they didn't tell me earlier was because they thought shed be in 1 nite only but she ended up staying longer. She didn't say how long mom has been there but she s gettin better. Apparently she has pnemonia AGAINhkeeps gettin it every couple weeks for a couple months no matter what medience drs gives her. Now they realized her hernia/reflex (Didn't know she had a hernia either!) might be affecting her road to recovery with pnemonia so they're doing something about thay.
My question is- am I being childish about this? I mean this has happened before- sometimes they'd say something like "Oh last month during my surgery.." And I'd say "WHAT SURGERY?K and they'd say they didn't tell me cuz I can't do anything to help since I live so far away or that it was no biggie.
What's your advice/iput on this??? Am I being bratty if I email to all family members and explain NICELY AGAIN that I really want to be kept informed in a TIMELY manner even if I can't be there in person??
post #2 of 21
Of course you have a right to be angry - she IS your mother and you have every right to know if something is wrong! I would just tell them how I feel if I were you. I am sorry that this is happening ot you - it happened to me many times
post #3 of 21
Yes, you have every right to feel angry. I've unfortunately been dealing with this with one side of my family as well as I too live many miles away from my family. I am sorry hope your mom will recover quickly.
post #4 of 21
My sister did the same to me last month. My mum got into a car accident and was in hospital and she called me to ask if I could speak to the insurance company as she 'didn't get' what they wanted her to give them. I was like 'why can't mum do it herself - she knows where the paperwork is - better than me guessing the answers'. 'She's still in hospital...' ummmm 'still?' 'oh yeah maybe we should have called you - some drunk guy ran into her and totalled the car!'

I was soooo mad - they didn't even call me to tell me she was in hospital - just to let me deal with the paperwork from the other side of the world!

You have every right to be mad - I know I was!
post #5 of 21
Pamela, what will you do in future? Is there a way, to talk about this question with your mother? Good luck.
post #6 of 21
She is your mother and you have every right to know what is going on with her..I would have been upset as well.
post #7 of 21
First of all, I hope your mother gets better quickly!

My parents have been in and out of the hospital since I was in high school. I was the only one living at home...and in the area period. I never called anyone because 1) I didn't think to, 2) if I called every time they were in the hospital they'd either go broke getting over here all the time or not think it's important to get over here when it happened to be the time they needed to, and 3) my mom and dad didn't want me to. There was one time my mom was in the hospital and actually asked me to call my sister, so I knew it was serious. My sister flew in.

Now that I'm the one who lives across the country, I want to be informed when they go to the hospital, but I'm not. Earlier this year, I tried calling and they were never home so I got worried. I finally got an email from my mom saying my dad was having bypass surgery and she's sorry she didn't call me back but she's been at the hospital with him. Then a few months later I couldn't get a hold of them again, and I went crazy. I called the Sheriff in their county and asked them to send someone out to make sure they were okay and he called me back and said their house was vacant. I lost my mind. Then I finally got a call from my dad saying my aunt called him and said I was looking for them and he said mom was in the hospital and they had moved while she was in there, so he was busy and didn't think to call me.

I understand how you feel. It's a tough situation to be in. I worry every day that the call I DO get will be 'the one' and it will be too late for me to get there.
post #8 of 21
Yes you have the right to be angry with your family. My sister did the same to me but it as much more serious. Try to talk or write to her and say ho annoyed you are and that you like to know quicker in the future.
post #9 of 21
Thread Starter 
I am just speechless. She just said she might have to have stomach surgery cuz of this and kept saying what's the point of lettin me know since I can't do anything! I'm ready to scream and cry.
I have been online with her the last 10 min and she just don't get it.
She has been in hosp since wed and I just found out TODAY. Actually she went to er last mon cuz she was very sick then went back tues then they finally put her in hosp.
She actually said she did not feel like calling people and dad was just too busy. It was just yesterday that my plder sis asked her if anyone had told me yet.
Now I am more pissed off than ever. She didn't feel like calling people but she called my sis to take her to er mon and tues??
This is 1 thing that sucks about me being deaf! I have always felt a bit left out with my family cuz all are hearing. I am LUCKY that they all know sign lang BUT whenever we are together as a family, everyone would be talking and forgettin to sign. And that's 1 reason why I'm always the last to know of family news cuz they don't feel like callin via relay or email/page me!?
At this point I feel like if anything happens to me I will not say anything until a couple weeks later and then the turn tables back on them! But that's not right. I gotta go and cool down. Will check in later and would appreciate advice. Thanks for the support uve given me. Now I don't feel guilty about being angry.
For those who have gone thru or currently going this, what did u do to try to resolve this?
post #10 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pamela
I am just speechless. She just said she might have to have stomach surgery cuz of this and kept saying what's the point of lettin me know since I can't do anything! I'm ready to scream and cry.
I have been online with her the last 10 min and she just don't get it.
She has been in hosp since wed and I just found out TODAY. Actually she went to er last mon cuz she was very sick then went back tues then they finally put her in hosp.
She actually said she did not feel like calling people and dad was just too busy. It was just yesterday that my plder sis asked her if anyone had told me yet.
Now I am more pissed off than ever. She didn't feel like calling people but she called my sis to take her to er mon and tues??
This is 1 thing that sucks about me being deaf! I have always felt a bit left out with my family cuz all are hearing. I am LUCKY that they all know sign lang BUT whenever we are together as a family, everyone would be talking and forgettin to sign. And that's 1 reason why I'm always the last to know of family news cuz they don't feel like callin via relay or email/page me!?
At this point I feel like if anything happens to me I will not say anything until a couple weeks later and then the turn tables back on them! But that's not right. I gotta go and cool down. Will check in later and would appreciate advice. Thanks for the support uve given me. Now I don't feel guilty about being angry.
For those who have gone thru or currently going this, what did u do to try to resolve this?
Let me preface this first by saying I am NOT a psychologist and have no psychologist training. But here are my ideas...

A lot of people would rather be secretive about their illnesses and hospitalizations, even with family members, because telling everybody makes the situation feel more real and scarier to them. I think that they kinda subconsciously feel that if nobody knows, then they can pretend the situation isn’t that grave. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it might be at least a psychological reason for the evasion of pertinent info.

I understand that sometimes hospitalizations are unexpected, and the people involved are so caught up in the preparing (while not feeling well), that they don’t have any energy left to inform anyone. They are too busy dealing with their health issues and haven’t stopped to consider how others might need to know.

The other reason could possibly be depression. Not wanting to communicate with loved ones in a situation like this sounds like a symptom of depression. The person being hospitalized is depressed and doesn’t feel he/she isn’t important enough to “bother†others about what’s going on. They don’t want to inconvenience others or make them worry about li’l ol’ them.

Since your mom doesn’t seem to want to inform you directly about things like this, I’d suggest picking a relative (your sister?) who lives closer and who is usually in the info loop about what is going on with your mother. Get that relative to promise you that she/he will tell you immediately when stuff like this is going on instead of relying on your mother to tell you directly. You could also see if your sister could talk to your mom and try to get her to see your side and why you think it’s so important that you are told, even though you are far away.

Good luck. It’s a rough situation you are in. I’m feelin’ for ya. I hope things improve soon, both communication-wise and health-wise, with your mom/family.
post #11 of 21
You have every right to be upset! I know if that was my Mother I'd defintely want to know what was happening. You shouldn't be kept in the dark because you live so far away, it's very unfair.
post #12 of 21
i'd be annoyed, is your mom not your second cousin on you aunt's side that you see twice every 3 years.
post #13 of 21
Hello Chaos, I did not read your thread complete, cause I don´t understand all words, sorry. But, it is not necessary to be a psychologist. I tell you something: My mother is 85 years old, and my father 82. The relation to my father has always been good, fine, no problem. But, since my sister "take care" for them, they - my parents - are under control of her. And, what to do? Any answer? I have non. My beloved father deny to talk to me.
post #14 of 21
Aw pamela, my mother went through the same thing but with a few of her family members. Because she is deaf they use the excuse they couldnt get onto her, or that because she is deaf she might be more sensitive but thats not the case.

Once my mother moved away from her family, none of them bothered to tell my mother how serious my grandmother was getting ill and of course my grandmother didnt tell my mum about her illnesses.

I dont know what you can do, But i totally agree that it is unfair for you not to find out, i hope they realise that even though you live far away you would do anything to go and see her to make sure she is okay!

All the best

post #15 of 21
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AbsolutChaos
Let me preface this first by saying I am NOT a psychologist and have no psychologist training. But here are my ideas...

A lot of people would rather be secretive about their illnesses and hospitalizations, even with family members, because telling everybody makes the situation feel more real and scarier to them. I think that they kinda subconsciously feel that if nobody knows, then they can pretend the situation isn’t that grave. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it might be at least a psychological reason for the evasion of pertinent info.

I understand that sometimes hospitalizations are unexpected, and the people involved are so caught up in the preparing (while not feeling well), that they don’t have any energy left to inform anyone. They are too busy dealing with their health issues and haven’t stopped to consider how others might need to know.

The other reason could possibly be depression. Not wanting to communicate with loved ones in a situation like this sounds like a symptom of depression. The person being hospitalized is depressed and doesn’t feel he/she isn’t important enough to “bother†others about what’s going on. They don’t want to inconvenience others or make them worry about li’l ol’ them.

Since your mom doesn’t seem to want to inform you directly about things like this, I’d suggest picking a relative (your sister?) who lives closer and who is usually in the info loop about what is going on with your mother. Get that relative to promise you that she/he will tell you immediately when stuff like this is going on instead of relying on your mother to tell you directly. You could also see if your sister could talk to your mom and try to get her to see your side and why you think it’s so important that you are told, even though you are far away.

Good luck. It’s a rough situation you are in. I’m feelin’ for ya. I hope things improve soon, both communication-wise and health-wise, with your mom/family.
My parents have always had health issues and have not tried to hide it from other family members. I think the issue is communication. I have asked my brother and sister to keep me in the loop before and not much progress there!

I've decided to send all family members an email and hopefully clarify this for them and hopefully they will understand and committ to keeping me informed in a TIMELY manner in the future...
post #16 of 21
Thread Starter 
Thanks to u all who have shared your experiences with me and given me comfort..

Thanks!!!
post #17 of 21
I think sending an email is a great idea, and I agree that you have every right to be angry and upset. With technology the way it is these days, they can't use your deafness as an excuse not to inform you. How long does it take to write a quick email, or a text message!?

Maybe they just like being centre of attention, and they enjoy knowing something you don't? I used to have a boss who wouldn't tell me important bits of information as she got off on the fact that I'd have to keep asking her things, or going to her for help when I got stuck because she hadn't bothered writing notes on the file - not on the same scale I know, but some people just seem to like having that bit of power over someone else.

I hope your email does the trick, sometimes people just don't realise how selfish they are being, or how much they are upsetting others, until it's pointed out to them. Good luck
post #18 of 21
I would be upset too. I was speaking with my mom yesterday and she mentioned that she is going to have my sister look up the drug Arosept (sorry don't know how to spell)
that the doc is thinking of trying for my dad. WHAT!!! I didn't know anything about this!! And I live 90 miles away. My sis lives in Virginia.
My husband has 7 brothers and sisters and we are never told until afterwards if any of them are having any types of surgery. What up with that??
post #19 of 21
Thread Starter 
This really helps me feel better knowing that I am not the ONLY person having this frustration with family communicating.. It shows that it's not about me being deaf/difficulty in communicating..

It's family not thinking how other family members would feel if they don't communicate!

I just don't understand WHY family would do that to each other...

For those who ARE PARENTS or are main caretakers of parents, PLEASE communicate with your children/siblings IMMEDIATELY regarding health issues of family members -EVEN IF THEY LIVE TOO FAR AWAY TO BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING!
post #20 of 21
Thread Starter 
I just got this email from my DEAR DAD... First- I have not sent that email yet about how I feel about the whole situation..

I shared this email with my co worker (close friend) and here's what she said about the email-"You are kidding!! Boy they really have a straw up their butts about you living here, don't they?"

HAD to laugh when I heard her say that!

Here's the email..
How are you doing? Your mother is home now and doing a lot better. Her doctor told here she cannot go back to work next week. She goes off track the week after. They want her to see a doctor about having surgery on her stomach. It will be a serious operation because they had done it before and it didn’t work. They normally don’t do a second one but in her case they think it is what is causing her pneumonia so often. They think that it will be worth the risk to get her lungs and esophagus cleared up. When she has a little more time to heal they will do some tests to decide for sure whether to do the surgery or not
LOVE DAD (the one you moved away from)


That's the kind of things my family would say whenever they talk to me or email me- act like it's a horrible thing that I'm living out EAST without them! I am the ONLY person in the WHOLE family (on both sides) including cousins, uncles, aunts, etc that lives OUT EAST. Almost everyone else lives in Utah or the states next to Utah!
post #21 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pamela
I just got this email from my DEAR DAD... First- I have not sent that email yet about how I feel about the whole situation..

I shared this email with my co worker (close friend) and here's what she said about the email-"You are kidding!! Boy they really have a straw up their butts about you living here, don't they?"

HAD to laugh when I heard her say that!

Here's the email..
How are you doing? Your mother is home now and doing a lot better. Her doctor told here she cannot go back to work next week. She goes off track the week after. They want her to see a doctor about having surgery on her stomach. It will be a serious operation because they had done it before and it didn’t work. They normally don’t do a second one but in her case they think it is what is causing her pneumonia so often. They think that it will be worth the risk to get her lungs and esophagus cleared up. When she has a little more time to heal they will do some tests to decide for sure whether to do the surgery or not
LOVE DAD (the one you moved away from)


That's the kind of things my family would say whenever they talk to me or email me- act like it's a horrible thing that I'm living out EAST without them! I am the ONLY person in the WHOLE family (on both sides) including cousins, uncles, aunts, etc that lives OUT EAST. Almost everyone else lives in Utah or the states next to Utah!

So pretty much they are taking out their frustration on you because they aren't happy with you being so far away...perhaps they are trying to use emotional blackmail (aka withholding vital info from you) in order to guilt you into moving back?
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