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Change of plans! Update! And some questions :)

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 
First of all I want to thank all of you that responded to my other thread. Slight change of plans. I'm not going to be moving after some serious consideration as it will be too stressful on myself and the cats.

As most of you guessed the whole thing had to do with Brandon and I, though Im still not going to go into much detail. Please understand that some things said are best left off the internet There basically has been an utter lack of communication.

Now instead of me moving out, he is staying at his parents and we are going to give this one try. I spoke to my therapist who talked some sense into me to not up and move without thinking because I really hadn't. Thank God for people who know what they are talking about He has recommended a relationship therapist and we are going to go. Brandon is also going to speak to someone by himself. Until we start sorting this out, he will stay at his parents.

I have no idea how this is going to go or how any of that even works. This leads to my questions. Has anyone been to a relationship therapist? How do they go about talking to you? Is there a general time people see them or is it like other therapy where you might be there for years (me!)?

Thank you if you have any ideas! I hate jumping into things without a clue what to expect

And thank you for taking the time to read this and being there for me when you didn't know what was happening I couldn't ask for better friends!

Ashley
post #2 of 22
Very happy to see you seem to be more upbeat about things.

I had friends who went to see a relationship therapist after one of them had an affair and the other had an affair in revenge etc etc and it seemed to work for them. The therapist was able to get things across that they couldn't themselves, like if you tell someone he's acting like a muppet he'll ignore you, if a therapist agrees that he's acting like a muppet and explains the reasons then it's harder to ignore and makes him stop and think about it (if that makes sense!). Sometimes just having the input of an impartial third party can make you see things more clearly. Upshot is, they're still together and seem to be getting back to normal again after 6 months.

Even if I don't know what's fully going on, it doesn't stop me feeling for you. Best of luck, will be thinking of you and sending lots of {{{happy}}} vibes your way
post #3 of 22
I really can't give you any advice, but I just want to send you all my love and hugs!

I'm sure that everything will work out the way you want it! I hope things resolve soon and remember i'm always here for you!
post #4 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purity
The therapist was able to get things across that they couldn't themselves, like if you tell someone he's acting like a muppet he'll ignore you, if a therapist agrees that he's acting like a muppet and explains the reasons then it's harder to ignore and makes him stop and think about it (if that makes sense!).
Makes perfect sense Thank you
post #5 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sar
I really can't give you any advice, but I just want to send you all my love and hugs!

I'm sure that everything will work out the way you want it! I hope things resolve soon and remember i'm always here for you!
Thank you sweetie!!
post #6 of 22
My husband and I went to a couples therapist six months after we were married. What it did for us was to give us a safe place to hash things out without it getting to be a personal attack. On our own we would talk but not hear each other. With a trained therapist she made us really listen and understand and gave us techniques to try and improve our communications and relationship. We made a pack together to really give this a try and that what was said in our sessions were not to be used as ammunition or to try to hurt but to find solutions but that we would be honest. I will say there were times the drive home from the therapist was very quiet. I learned some things about myself and my husband I would have never have done on my own. For us it was the best thing we ever did. I wish you the best and am so proud that you guys are taking this step. Therapy for us was actually hard work, sometimes emotionally draining but so worth it.

Tricia
post #7 of 22
ASH!! To glad to see you here! I won't be much help here because I've never been to a relationship therapist, but I think it's great that your going. I think it really helps to talk to someone unbiased. Remember, we're always here for you my friend!
post #8 of 22
I have never been to a relationship therapist but I've been to an individual therapist and the only thing I can say is, if they're any good, they make the world of difference. They are an impartial third party who can help communicate issues that have just become uncommunicable. You will each listen with `new ears' because this is someone who has no emotional vested interest in your situation.

GOOD GOOD luck - I really hope everything works out for you and I'm very impressed that you are taking such a positive, rational and mature approach to your relationship instead of just flagging it off. Good for you - keep us posted.
post #9 of 22
Ash i don't need to say anything apart from you know where i am!
post #10 of 22
I've never been to a relationship therapist (though I've been in therapy to get OVER realtionships ), but I do know that they can be very helpful in certain relationships, as long as both parties put time and effort into the therapy.

I wish you and Brandon luck, love, and improved communication!
post #11 of 22
The other thing the therapist got my friends to do was draw up a 'marriage contract' where each of them stated the things they would do, and they both signed it. Having a signed piece of paper seemed to work better for them than just a verbal agreement.
post #12 of 22
I'm so glad to hear that things have been working out a bit better for you. I've never been to a relationship therapist but I wish you the best of luck with everything
post #13 of 22
I've never been to one, but I am in the beginning stages of becoming one and my boyfriend's dad used to do couple's therapy. Like individual therapy, the length of time you stay there depends on how much time you have to put into it, how much the insurance company (or you and your boyfriend) are willing to pay for, and how long it takes for you to feel that you've gotten to the point you want to be at. I agree with everyone else that it's a great thing you're doing, heading to therapy, and I truly hope it works out for you. Good luck hon!
post #14 of 22
Ash-

They generally meet with you solo at first. They will put Brandon in a room, then talk to you, asking you specific questions trying to guide your feelings to the surface. Then they will leave you to your thoughts (mine also gave me a piece of paper and a pen and told me to write down my thoughts/opinions/goals) Then they will meet with Brandon.

Finally, they will put the two of you into a room together, and if they are a good therapist, they will let you both talk- prompting you into speech when you grow quiet.

It doesn't happen overnight, but a good relationship counselor can help a marriage where people have started to take each other for granted, or become complacent.

I wonder though- is he helping you out with the rent while he is staying with his parents?
post #15 of 22
I haven't ever been in therapy. If I have had a stressful day I usually would go out in one of the garden and weed pretending the weeds I'm yanking out are the people who are stressing me out. It usually worked very well!!! So I'm a bit odd but whatever works.
Good luck with your therapy.
post #16 of 22
Ash, I'm glad to hear you're making some positive steps to working out your troubles. I've never been to a relationship therapist, so I can't comment on it from experience, but as has already been observed, sometimes a third party can help open the lines of communication and give you tools for keeping them open. All the very best with this, Ash. You know we're all here for you.
post #17 of 22
Ashley, I don't have advice, just hugs.
post #18 of 22
Thread Starter 
Thank you all! Please know that all of your advice and well wishes mean the world to me

MA- yes he is going to still pay he half of everything
post #19 of 22
Oh Ash! I have no advice but I hope everything works out OK with you and Brandon!
post #20 of 22
Hey Ash, I'm glad you're back, I hope you and Brandon work things out.
post #21 of 22
Ashley...I am so glad that you & your sweet kitties have a safe place to stay until you get this sorted out.
What ever you decide to do...I support your decision.
You are a good person who deserves only the best in life.
Much love, hugs & positive thoughts are coming your way.
Lei
post #22 of 22
ashley i dont know what to say except that ive been trying to reach you several times and ive had no reply

i hope youre okay
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