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Need Advice..

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 
Or maybe I just need to tell someone whats going on.. get it out of my system... Im not sure.. but bear with me as i type this...

As most of you know John and I broke up last month and let me tell you I am so much happier now withouth him telling me what to do all of the time... Anyway I got back in touch with this guy I went to highschool with and always was drawn to so deeply... I had the BIGGEST crush on him and didn't have the nerve to tell him. Well we got to talking every night and he admitted that he'd always liked me in highschool... So i told him how i felt and we just couldn't believe it... So a couple weeks ago we started hanging out on the weekends (he lives 2 hours away for school) and I've been going to his band practices. We get along so well and i love being with him but the problem is, he's got a girlfriend. They've been together for 4 years and she's cheated on him twice but yet he's stayed with her because he's afraid of change... He wrote me this long email telling me how he feels but he's afraid that with his job he wouldn't be able to afford an apartment on his own and theres no one else out there to live with (he actually tried to get our friend to move out there with him but he won't move) and so on.... he doesnt want to have to move back in with his parents after all this time either. She knows he's been hanging out with me since we went to high school together and its been with other guys around but she doesnt know that we're hanging out away from the guys either... We're both Wiccan and last week we were up at our spot in his woods where he gave me a rose quartz ball and said to me "I have one that matches *holds them both up together* so even if nothing happens between us, we will always be connected" I just melted.. That is the sweetest thing a guy has ever done for me... It just makes me sick to my stomach that he's with someone that treats him like crap when I'm here doing everything I can to show him what hes worth...

Im on vacation right now in Daytona and he just got offline from talking to me so he can get up for work and I have never missed someone like I miss him right now... Ugh.... I have to go out to the trailer to bed (don't wanna wake up my grandfather) but I'll be on tomorrow. Any advise for a love sick woman?
post #2 of 17
When it comes to relationships, I only give advice when asked... and you asked for it Spacy! Okay seriously, my advice is that you minimize any contact with this guy until he breaks up with his girlfriend. It's possible that she may not be worthy of him, but you deserve undivided attention, not him sneaking around or hiding the truth from her.
post #3 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hydroaxe
When it comes to relationships, I only give advice when asked... and you asked for it Spacy! Okay seriously, my advice is that you minimize any contact with this guy until he breaks up with his girlfriend. It's possible that she may not be worthy of him, but you deserve undivided attention, not him sneaking around or hiding the truth from her.


It is very hard but unless he will get up the courage to leave her, I would stay well away. Just because she has cheated on him before doesn't make it right for him to cheat on her. And you REALLY don't want to be the other woman here! Don't give him an ultimatum - he's very likely to stay with what's safe - just back off and by doing so he will probably (hopefully) end up choosing what's right for all three of you.
post #4 of 17
Great advice above, can't really add much to that! Just stay friends, you do deserve better than to be the other woman.
post #5 of 17


Stacy, you deserve so much more! I understand that it will be difficult, but things will bring you all to the right place in time!
post #6 of 17
His girlfriend may have cheated on him several times (and to me that IS a deal-breaker) but he is doing no better because he is having what's called an emotional affair with you.

Hon, I know this may not be what you want to hear, but it probably is best to find another guy (and you WILL, trust me!). If he would cheat on his girlfriend of 4 years with you, then he could easily cheat on you one day. I don't mean that as an assault against you (because you definintely do not deserve to be cheated on or otherwise mistreated), but most relationships that are based on cheating do not work out in the end.

What you do is ultimately your decision and only you know what's best for yourself. I just wish you luck and love no matter what .
post #7 of 17
I wouldn't call "hanging out" cheating (unless there's something else going on,) but you really don't need to be the other woman as has been said. It's hard to tell long-distance of course, but it sounds like his present relationship has become a bit rocky. I would think that you would need to tell him, however that you can't really see him since he's already got a girlfriend as it's "just not right."

I'm not sure about hanging out with the same group. Temptation is there, I'm sure. Rule of 3 luv, if he decides he needs to find some other arrangement and breaks up with her to start seeing you once you've told him you can't see him until such becomes fact, then you've really had nothing to do with it (unless breathing counts!)

Although I really probably shouldn't be giving advice at all as I'm somewhat atypical in matters of the heart !
post #8 of 17
My sister went through the same thing recently. The thing is, I dont necessarily consider it cheating because theres some emotional attachment there. However, I think its unfair to all parties involved for you to keep seeing eachother under the pretense of hanging out with other people. His girlfriend cheated on him yes, but that doesnt mean that he should do the same to her...and not that hes cheating with you, but I think it could lead to a lot of people getting hurt, and you dont need that. I would tell him that I couldnt continue to see him, wanting something more than he could give me, while he had a girlfriend. And that I couldnt tell him that its not beautiful, and that I cant promise that I wont keep on holding on, but until hes single and free, this couldnt continue. Its not fair to you especially after going through what you already went through.

Good luck with everything....I hope it all works out for you the way it should and that you end up happy, because you deserve it.
post #9 of 17
First off...I am very happy that you have found someone in your life that brings you joy like this guy does..but....

I would them him flat out that you can't have any contact with him until he breaks up with his girlfriend. If he is a really good guy he will. This isn't just to be nice to his current girlfriend but the way I see it is that if he cheats on her with you....that shows a character flaw IMO and who is to say he wouldn't do it to you??

It sounds like you 2 could really hit it off, you share some core beliefs that are very important in a relationship. So good luck with whatever you decide to do!!
post #10 of 17
If i were u I wouldnt jump so quickly into love its
tricky after a long relationship u need love, And u
need it now but dont jump on the band wagon let
youreself heal and then see where u are he just
might be an infatuation so dont jump to quickly

val;
post #11 of 17
Thread Starter 
*beats head on laptop*
post #12 of 17
I know it sounds harsh to say not to talk to him again, but even if you just talk to him online or on the phone, you're sending him signals that it's okay with you if he lives with that girl, which is detrimental to any relationship you may have with him in the future (it's tearing down trust, creating resentment, etc.) AND keeping him from doing what he needs to do, which is moving back home if he has to until he can get on his feet.

If you like this guy, you will want to start off fresh and wait until he isn't involved with that girl. I think your budding relationship sounds sweet, but IMO, if you want it to remain sweet, you need to nip it in the bud and freeze it, then plant it later. The conditions just aren't right for pretty relationship flowers to grow.
post #13 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hydroaxe
When it comes to relationships, I only give advice when asked... and you asked for it Spacy! Okay seriously, my advice is that you minimize any contact with this guy until he breaks up with his girlfriend. It's possible that she may not be worthy of him, but you deserve undivided attention, not him sneaking around or hiding the truth from her.


also one of the guys could eventually tell his gf that you have been both sneaking away and then there will be lots of stress for him.

i know it hurts to see someone else to get treated like crap, but this man is his own person and no matter what you tell him he wont detach from her any time soon. Untill he is ready and lots of opportunities on hand to get away from her.
post #14 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by RoyalEnchntrss
It just makes me sick to my stomach that he's with someone that treats him like crap when I'm here doing everything I can to show him what hes worth...
Wow. I know you just went through a break up and I want you to be happy now (as does everyone here). I'm even a firm believer that the best way to get over boy #1 is to find boy #2. The problem as I see it is even though his girlfiriend "treats him like crap" he is living with her. He is doing this for a reason. 1) He wants to, or 2) He's using her (for a place to live). I see a problem either way.
post #15 of 17
I have to agree with your other TCS friends. We are not saying end it, just stand firm while he makes a choice, you or her.
post #16 of 17
I was in a similar situation once. The guy couldn't afford a place on his own, and said that he and his gf just didn't get along any more, the relationship was basically over. He hinted that he could move in with me, I ignored that hint. He did find a place on his own, with help from his sister, and we continued seeing each other. But then, he started seeing someone else, and finally told me about it, and told me that he had "chosen" the other woman.

I think this guy is using you, to give himself some sort of incentive to finally end things with the girl. His excuses for still living with her are lame, if he really wanted to leave, he would find a way. And if you do stay in touch with him, I am pretty sure you'd end up the same as I did.

The problem here is, you say you are "just hanging out", but you obviously have more emotional stake in this, and you're going to be the one getting hurt.

I agree, the best way to get over boy #1 is by finding boy #2, but make sure that boy #2 is available, and doesn't arrive with cumbersome baggage. And a live in girlfriend is baggage.
post #17 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by RoyalEnchntrss
Any advise for a love sick woman?
Oh Stacy......I just only can offer to you my ears to listen to you.........Focus you and find the best answer in the bottom of you heart! ...You has the key of the happyness in you heart!

Cheers!
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