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I don't know what to do anymore... Please help

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 
My husband and I just "celebrated" our 2 year anniversary on Tuesday. We have been together for 9 years total... I don't know what to do anymore. We don't make enough money to live... We bicker all the time. Never really say I love you any more. We are in cousiling but it doesn't seem to be working.. All of our problems seem to be about money!!!
I don't know what to do anymore... My parents have helped us out sooo much. The cats aren't an issue beause I get vet care discounts. I hate life!!! We never talk, and if we do it isn't like people in love do!
post #2 of 24
I'm very sorry to hear about the problems you are having with you husband. Money is a huge issue with many couples, I sure do know what you are talking about. I'm really glad to hear that you are in counselling. It shows that you do love and care for eachother. I will send you lots of hugs!
post #3 of 24
Oh Erin, statistics show that $$ can be the root of most couple's bickering/fighting. It's so hard to make ends meet now a days. Jerry and I just get by ourselves. Seems like everytime we can put $50 in savings, something breaks or comes up that we need $100 for. All I can tell you is to work hard, put yourselves on a budget, and eventually, things will workout. If the love is there, and the commitment, then everything will fall into place. I think that being in counseling is a great idea. Don't give up, and even if he forgets to say I love you, don't you forget it.
post #4 of 24
Just wanted to send you a hug and wishes for you both to resolve this. I can most definately relate to money issues, and know how we dealt with it. Each couple is different so no advice.

I do make this relationship the most important thing in my world, I cherish it,protect it & nurture it.
post #5 of 24
I was just wondering of you and your husband had checked into Credit Counseling? I am a Collections Manager and we refer a lot of people to Credit Counseling and they may be able to help you. PM me if you have any questions at all. I send good vibes to you and your family.
post #6 of 24
It sounds like the money issues are sapping you and your husband of your happiness. Do you have children? If you do, your unhappiness and bickering are going to have a negative impact on them. I would definitely consider the credit counseling as another TCS member suggested. If you are so far into financial debt that there is no way out, then I would meet with an attorney who can talk to you about filing bankruptcy. It's not the end of the world - your love for each other should take priority over money - and marriage counseling is something you should continue (together if possible). You might also want to talk to your doctor about medication/counseling for yourself. You sound a bit depressed.
post #7 of 24
Just want to say I hope things get better for you.
post #8 of 24
The counseling should be making some difference, if you have been going for a while. It seems to me that some therapists/counselors want to dredge up every event since birth...blah blah blah! I am more in favor of the ones that try to identify the problems and come up with some practical ideas on how to deal with them.

If you have been together for 9 years, you know him and your relationship pretty well. You got married 2 years ago for a reason. Please don't give up on yourself or your marriage. Best of luck to you both. I hope things start looking up for you soon!
post #9 of 24
I am not an expert but have you tried date night... With money tight it could be a picnic dinner and a walk..
post #10 of 24
hubby and I used to have money problems-- we have 4 dogs, a cat and two young children--

One day i changed the radio station because the station i was listening to went out-- Dave Ramsey was on-- He teaches financial peace-- yes its for real and it really works-- he has a radio show on every afternoon and its carried in most cities--

Dave Ramsey's principles saved our marriage. We seemed to always be fighting about money-- We started with Dave Ramsey's books The Total Money Makeover in October 2004 and right now we are more financially secure than ever-- we went to one of his live seminars and it was well worth the 20 bucks per person. Our household is based on cash now, if we dont have the money we dont buy it. We have very strict budget done in cash only-- 175$ every 2 weeks for groceries for a family of 4-- when it runs out thats it ( unless we need milk for our kids) usually we make it to the next paydate. Every category has a envelope-- Petfood 50$ per month ( i dont buy cheap food but we manage on this amount); Clothes 75$ per month; Household 35$ per month ( this is for my meds and odds and ends we need for the house like cleaners and such) Birthdays/holidays 25$ per month ( this one accumulates) Gas for hubbys car 225$ per month and we each get 25 bucks every two weeks that is our BLOW money-- we are not accountable for it-- Eveyrthing else is documented on what, when, and where we spend it. Another integral part of Dave's program is to not use credit at all and pay off debt-- you cant imagine the feeling of paying off a old credit card. Its such a great feeling. We made some sacrifices to get this to work but not near as many as Dave suggests-- I have to have cable internet for data entry for my job so i cant get rid of it-- and we have satellite tv which we could get rid of-- The only checks we write are for utilities, mortgage and daycare, oh yeah and payoffs on debt.

You probably are wondering what the heck this has to do with marriage probs but we had to sit down and talk for several days to get this program to work-- that helped more than anything-- we are happier than ever now and our marriage is wonderful. Money isnt an issue much anymore.

Dave's motto is "Live like no one else so later you CAN live like no one else!"

We have this motto printed out and pasted at various locations in ourhome and vehicles--


I totally understand where you are coming from-- and i sincerely wish you luck in finding a solution to your problems!
post #11 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by emb_78
My husband and I just "celebrated" our 2 year anniversary on Tuesday. We have been together for 9 years total... I don't know what to do anymore. We don't make enough money to live... We bicker all the time. Never really say I love you any more. We are in cousiling but it doesn't seem to be working.. All of our problems seem to be about money!!!
I don't know what to do anymore... My parents have helped us out sooo much. The cats aren't an issue beause I get vet care discounts. I hate life!!! We never talk, and if we do it isn't like people in love do!
oh boy, my husband and i went through a very tough patch involving money...or lack of and it wasn't easy at all.

With the money issues, we brought stuff from garage sales, renovated it and resold which made us enough to get by.

When a money issue comes along, even if your husband argues with you about it, try to just talk to him in a civil way about the issues then tell him you love him and that you will always be supportive no matter what, try doing special things like cook his favorite dinner,give him a massage, go places that don't cost money, wine tours are a good one, the beach, picnics...anything that involves just the two of you, we had absolutely no money and it was hard sometimes, i was tempted to argue when my husband got upset but i found that if i was just loving and supportive then he wouldn't get so upset either.

also, try to work together on ways you can make some extra cash, we used garage sales as i mentioned above but there are plenty of other ways, does your husband or you have a talent that could make money? my husband would build things and sell them too, like tables and chairs....it didn't generate a lot of money but it helped a bit .

above all, stick together as a team, having no money is hard enough when you have someone but a lot harder when you are trying to deal with it alone, if you pull together and your relationship improves then the other problems won't be so heartbreaking.

it is a very difficult thing to go through, goodluck and if you need to chat, pm me


felicia
post #12 of 24
I am in the same boat as being strapped for cash. I found we dont argue to much over it though. we agree. its the way it is right now. We did have a long talk about it though. I think you have some good advice here!
post #13 of 24
I have no advice to you but sorry to hear of your situation!
post #14 of 24
I know as well how you feel - had it not been for my ex wife parents bailing us out many times, well - I am grateful to them and always will be. There is a saying along the lines of that when money troubles come in, love goes out.
Hang in there pet, I know you will get through this - hang onto him as well. I wish I had taken more notice and dont end up like me.
I wish you every happiness
and love
Kev
post #15 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by emb_78
My husband and I just "celebrated" our 2 year anniversary on Tuesday. We have been together for 9 years total... I don't know what to do anymore. We don't make enough money to live... We bicker all the time. Never really say I love you any more. We are in cousiling but it doesn't seem to be working.. All of our problems seem to be about money!!!
I don't know what to do anymore... My parents have helped us out sooo much. The cats aren't an issue beause I get vet care discounts. I hate life!!! We never talk, and if we do it isn't like people in love do!
Can I tell you that I have been through this with my husband as well?? The thing is....marriage DOES change a relationship. It doesnt matter if you have been dating for seven years, then got married, and have been husband and wife for only 2 years, that relationship has changed.....you have to learn to turn "me" into "us." You're money is "ours" his money is "ours" and that can lead to bickering and fussing...and lead to an absolutely dreadful day to day existance. What I did, was I started looking for a job that paid a little more than I was making...when that didnt pan out, I went straight to my boss, armed with a list of all the things that I do in one day, and showed him what I am responsible for. I got a raise that I needed, and that helped, and my husband moved up a few grade steps (hes civil government for the DOD.) and that also helped. Then, at the beginning of each month, I write down on a pad of paper every date we get paid, and under that date, I write what bills are scheduled to be paid...like I get paid on the 28th, I am paying the power bill and the satellite bill. That way, my husband doesnt wonder what I am spending money on. That was our biggest fight: I am in charge of all finances and I would pay bills, he would get gas, take cash out of the ATM, and then ask me how much money we had, and I would tell him, and he would be like "I thought we had such and such..." Well, yeah, and then 325 of it was spent. The schedule really helped out a lot. We havent argued over money in about a year.
I think its good that you are in counseling, and that says a lot, but you both have to want it to work. I noticed in your post that you were defensive about your cats and that makes me wonder if that has been said by your husband or someone else. I wouldnt worry about it...there are lots of coupons for cat food and cat litter and things, and thats no one elses business but yours and your husbands. If you both choose to take your paychecks and throw gasoline on them and burn them in the front yard, and dance around the blaze like crazy people, than thats your choice.
I really hope that things work out for you. And right now, things are rough for everyone.
Good luck, and we are all here for you if you need us.
post #16 of 24
Sweetheart, you're both in counselling - together. That, no matter how small it seems to you right now, is a really big thing. It shows you're both willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work. And that is the first step on a road that could ultimately bring you to the other end a much stronger couple. Tell me about the money worries - I know what it's like to live on a shoestring - how when you need £70 for a weeks worth of food shopping, and all you have is the £1.50 in your pocket and a couple of buttons that fell off your shirt last week.

The budget idea is a really good one - believe me when I say it works. If you both set aside money from your paycheques every month, say $100 each... then that's $200 a month that you've got set aside for those rainy days. If you need food shopping, write a list of the stuff you need and stick to it. No deviations - like buying lots of fresh fruit and veg, meat that you can freeze (you can even freeze loaves of bread for long periods of time too) rice and pasta are wonderful to ahve, because they last forever. There are a lot of people who "splash out" on microwave meals because they're too tired to cook (maybe you don't do that, but it's worth noting) but you can actually create a very nice meal for next to nothing, if you're willing to put in a little extra effort. Turning your heating down by just the 1C will actually save you a lot of money. Look for a cheap phone company - have a look at internet telephony like Skype, or Voipbuster.com - voipbuster will actually give you free calls to landlines over the internet, depending on where you're calling. There are lots of very little things that you can do to save money, that will all add up bigtime in the long run. Hell bells, share a bath with your hubby! It saves on the water bill, and it gives you two something to do together where you can both relax, have a giggle and it gives a little extra something to the relationship.

As for the cats, you mentioned that you get a lot of discount coupons for their care - try doing the same for yourselves. Cut coupons from everything, for the gas in your car, for your food bills, you name it... there's tons of stuff. Don't buy brand named things - supermarkets own brand products are usually made by the same big brands, it's exactly the same stuff, jsut in a different wrapper.

I really really hope that you guys can work it out sweetie - hang in there.
post #17 of 24
This might not be a popular answer, but I believe it is the truth. My husband has been a minister for 27 years. We have dealt with a lot of couples and their problems. I believe that people need Jesus in their lives to make anything work. Hope this helps.
post #18 of 24
Prayers and hugs for you and your hubby.
post #19 of 24
Thread Starter 
Thank you all so much for the advice... Tim and I are in counseling together, and we are also involed in a debt counciling program. You all have such great advice I sure hope we can work this into our lives.
post #20 of 24
Just wanted to offer some hugs . Couples counseling in this situation is a very good idea, though results don't happen overnight; counseling takes time but can be sooo worth it in certain instances.
I also agree that credit counseling would be a good idea. There, you can get all sorts of good advice on how to better use/save your money.
Good luck . You always have TCS
post #21 of 24
Hang in there! It sounds like you are doing what you need to do. It may be good to look at all the current difficulties as temporary - yes money is a huge issue, but money isn't love or friendship. And it's that love and friendship that gets you through.

Although you are already going through a lot, I'd encourage you to take some time to actively take care of yourself - take a walk, journal, read a good book from the library. You will find that if you feel better about yourself things will go a little smoother. Marriage really is two people coming together...if they lose thier individuality (esp. in times of stress), things can get messy.

Remember, TRUST YOURSELF, LOVE YOURSELF. That will make it easier to trust and love your husband, an hopefully he will do the same.

I am thinking of you I am relatively new to marriage, and boy it can be difficult. But, anything worth something is worth fighting for.
post #22 of 24
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by blueberrybeth
Hang in there! It sounds like you are doing what you need to do. It may be good to look at all the current difficulties as temporary - yes money is a huge issue, but money isn't love or friendship. And it's that love and friendship that gets you through.

Although you are already going through a lot, I'd encourage you to take some time to actively take care of yourself - take a walk, journal, read a good book from the library. You will find that if you feel better about yourself things will go a little smoother. Marriage really is two people coming together...if they lose thier individuality (esp. in times of stress), things can get messy.

Remember, TRUST YOURSELF, LOVE YOURSELF. That will make it easier to trust and love your husband, an hopefully he will do the same.

I am thinking of you I am relatively new to marriage, and boy it can be difficult. But, anything worth something is worth fighting for.
Thank you so much for your kind words!
post #23 of 24
One day, hubby and I were fighting (over the phone, while he was 300 miles away at work) and I got mad enough that I left. A couple days later, we talked and decided that the fighting was STUPID, and we didnt' want to fight anymore. We still don't have much money, but any purchase over $20 (aside from gas) is talked about. Neither one of us buys things that we know will annoy the other, without talking about it and deciding if it's needed. And I got a part time job to give me money for the "dumb things" I buy for the animals. That way he can't complain. He loves the animals too, but he thinks I buy a lot of things that aren't needed. It's hard to explain to him why I needed a $30 coat thinner for the dogs!
Anyways, when I find myself yelling at him, and he doesn't deserve it, I stop and tell him "I'm not yelling at you, I just need to yell and you're standing here. I'm just really frustrated about (whatever). I'm sorry." And he does the same thing. When we need to have a discussion (when most couples fight) we sit down and calmly discuss the issue. We've even used a tape recorder before, to prevent confusion or misunderstandings. And the ground rules of a discussion are no yelling, no name calling, etc, and show each other respect and let each other speak. Things have seriously improved since then.
If you both want things to be better, you can do it! It definintely takes two, though!

Amber
post #24 of 24
Just wanting to send you hugs and good vibes. You are doing all the right things, it sounds like. Keep working on it, and I hope things get better!
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