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Brian-
Remember that cats often want to go into small spaces when they are sick or distressed or dying. I guess it's nature's protection for them. The last few weeks that he was with us, we found Max in all sorts of places that he wasn't in the habbit of going into. Some of them were very tight. I sometimes had to drag him out to feed him and he would really get upset. He would have stayed there and starved if I hadn't.
As to guilt, I still feel like I murdered him. I know I didn't but it still feels like that. And my husband said that he felt like Judas. And I keep thinking if only I could have done something. We live near a very fine vet school and I think "if only I had really persued a course of chemo..." But it was pretty hopeless.I wouldn't do that to him, and make him suffer more, and to no end.
And then there was his screaming when the vet gave him the sedative. That will haunt me forever. But it had to be done and we did the best we could. But he did"not go gently into that good night"and raged "against the dying of the light.."
He always was somewhat independent.
Ann

Oh, man can I relate to you...

I have so much guilt about Norty, that I still cry every day. Norty had never been sick a day in his life..truly. He was always a finicky eater and not a big eater either. All of a sudden, he would not eat his food. He would act like he wanted to eat it, by standing and meowing by his bowl, but when I'd give it to him, he's eat very little and it seemed like he was asking me for something different. So I would always give him a different flavor. Sometime he'd eat it, but mostly he would leave most of it over. I just figuered either he was finicky or he was getting older and that cats eat less when they get older. It was very, very gradual, and he was losing weight very gradually, but I didn't really notice. Then one day, he wouldin't eat at all. I fought for a couple of weeks with my husband about it, because he thought it would be too traumatic to take him to the vet, since he had not been in years and he was such a scairdy cat. But when he stopped eating, I put my foot down and he agreed.

They weighed him when we got to the vet and I almost passed out because I had not realized how much weight he had actually lost. They took a blood test and said he had a liver problem but would probably be treatable. They gave us meds but he did not get better. After less than a week, he was still not eating and was hiding in the house. Bad sign. We took him back and they put him on an IV all day. This is the part that makes me so, so sick. It was the 3rd of July. They wanted him to have the IV for another day, but they were closed on the 4th of July. We did not want to leave him there with no one to check on him, so we took him home that night. They did not tell me, but they left the line in his paw for the IV, because I guess they did not want to hurt him again the following day by putting it in again.

He was miserable with this line in him and on the way back from the vet, he was so full of fluid that he peed all over the box and himself. We had to give him a quasi bath, which he hates more than anything. This poor little guy had no energy, a needle in his paw and we were giving him a bath. He refused to let us dry him. He must have ben so cold.

Anyway the next day he was practically comatose. We were force feeding him, he could not move and kept on hiding. We thought he would die and the doctor was no where to be found!!! It was the longest day and night we had ever spent. We stayed up with him all night long. We fell asleep for a while in the am, and when we awoke, we found him in a very tight spot in the basement. Sound familiar?? We took him to a specialist that day, and they did an ultrasound and found out that his liver had stopped functioing and that they would have to put him to sleep. I was not prepared for that at all. I have never in my life cried like I did that day. I promised Norty that we would go to this doctor and that he'd make it better and we would bring him home. His last day on earth was so miserable.

I am so guilty. I am sure that I should have acted quicker. Still I do not know if anything could have been done, but maybe I could have prolonged his life or made it more bearable for him. I will never ever forgive myself. My poor baby!!!!

When we got our new kitten Jinxy, and got a new vet. I am so angry at our old vet. Now every time Jinxy sneezes I go to the vet., but that will not make what happened to Norty any better. I know I will be a better mommy to Jinxy, but that only makes me feel worse. I am crying my head off so I must sign off for now.

Jacquie-
when cats are sick, it's so hard to tell! Max would do the same thing-go to his bowl, not eat, and I would say as I always do when he was fussy, "sorry, that's all this resteraunt sells!" Little did I know.
But I did buy everything on the grocery shelves to tempt him.Poor thing, he was so hungry and yet it must have hurt to eat.
But the vets couldn't find anything until I insisted they anesthitize him and look. The last thing the vet said was "If we find something it may not be good." And it wasn't.
Ann

I'm so sorry Ann, that's so sad. Near the end I too was buying Norty everthing I could to get him to eat. Tuna, turkey, shrimp... He'd eat a bit, but I couldn't figure him out. Now it makes me so sick to think about how sick he must have felt. I was usually patient with him and would give him something else when he wouldn't eat, even though my husband told me not to. But other times I would yell at him for drving me crazy. Last night I dreamed that it was all a mistake and that Norty came back. In my dream a friend of my husband's catnapped him and finally returned him to us. We were so happy and were crying and kissing him. I woke up and I was so happy then I realized. The dream was so real. I really felt like we had him back.

I forget, Ann, what was it that Max died from. Was it a liver problem too? I cant wait to go home from work and kiss Jinxy a thousand times. I am so sorry about Norty, but Jinxy is such a joy in my life and cant begin to explain. I thank god for him. I think Norty sent him to me from heaven sometimes.

Jacquie-
He had oral cancer under his tongue.
That must have been tough to wake up from that dream. I never dream about Max-I wish I could, especially a dream of his earlier self-it's hard to remember him from when he was young-I wish we had a video of him running around like a looney!
Ann

That's right, now I remember. That's just aweful. I'm so soryy.

Hopefully you have some nice pictures of Max. I have a lot of Norty and have just recently been able to go through my photo album. I also have some videos of Norty, but still have not yet been able to bring myself to watch it yet. I have had a bunch of dreams about Norty, but none as real as the other night. It was bittersweet actually.

Think about getting another kitty. Jinxy is the light of my life. It honestly does not make the pain of Norty go away at all though, which I was actually afraid would happen if that makes sense. I wanted to feel the pain, because I felt if I didn't, it would mean I was starting to forget Norty. But that most definitely did not happen as you can tell of my constant torment. However, I am so in love with my Jinxy and even though I have already started to think about the day I will lose him, it is more than worth it to see his sweet little face everyday. I recommend it highly. I didn't think I could feel that way again for another animal.

Norty is still always on my mind though. He was really the best!!

Try thinking about Max right before sleep for a while, and you may dream of him. That's what happens to me! Thanks forlistening to me whine!!!

Jacquie-
I will get another, after a two-week trip I'm going on in May.
Until then I play with the kitties at my barn, and at my friend's houses and anywhere else they happen to be...
I always think of Max at night-that's when I really cry for him. That was our special time. I'd whistle for him and he hopped right up. I first got him to come when I whistled because he was fascinated by the sound.(He was soo nosy!) Then I'd give him a treat.
Anyway, he'd snuggle right down by my side and purr like crazy and knead, then he'd fall asleep. If I woke up, he'd sometimes still be there and I'd touch him and go right back to sleep.
Every night I tell him goodnight and that I miss him and love him.

I have lots of kitten pictures and some teenage ones, but fewer of his mature years. As he got older, when we'd get the camera out for a particularly good shot, he always came over to find out what we were doing. We do have a few shots of his last month, as we realized he wouldn't be with us long. Unfortunately his coat was not looking good as he drooled all the time and he couldn't clean it.
Ann

the worst. Romeo used to sleep with me & Jake, too.... If I woke, I would pat both and pass back out. Jinxy is still getting to know us - so he sleeps in his own bed . when I walk out to the barn sometimes I expect him to come running outa the bushes with his little squeek of a meow.... I tell him I miss him all the time too (thank goodness I'm not the only one who does this!):tounge2: , I think it will take a long long time, but as time goes, it gets easier. Sometimes I get pissed off that he's gone too. Does anyone else, or am I just wacky?:tounge2: If I'm having alot of trouble with Jake and Jinxy (which has become a rarity), I say "why did you have to leave, Romeo! )... I dunno, I guess it's normal to go thru stuff like this..... okay, teary have to stop now.....

Ann, it really breaks my heart to hear you talk about Max. Your poor sweet baby. You just have to feel some confort in that he is no longer suffering. Norty did not sleep with us because he was very independant that way, but Jinxy does. He sleeps right by my side and I love waking up and feeling his warm soft fur against me. It must be so hard for you at night. All the more reason to hurry back from your trip and give another pussycat a home!! Maybe you can frame a good picture of him and hang it somewhere. I have said this before, but I do keep a chest with his ashes, a picture of Norty, and a commemorative plaque on an amoir in our room. I talk to it all of the time (No, Janet, I for one obviously do not think its weird!) I always tell him I love him before bed and whenever else I am sad. My husband thinks I should get it out of the room because it makes me so sad, but I would feel sad no matter where it is, and it helps to make me feel him close to me and I cannot move it. I need it there.

I hope you dream about Max tonight and that he is running and happy with a full coat of fur!! I am sure that is how he is and that's how he'd want you to think of him. I know it's so hard. I am very lucky that except for the last couple of days, Norty never appeared to look sick. I am so sorry that you have to bear that, it's hard enough that they have to go. Peace.

When you guys were talking about how you would say goodnight to your kittens and how one of you didn't expect them to die, well that is exactly what I am going through. We unexpectedly were adviced to put 2 of our 3 cats to sleep last Thursday. It was really heartbreaking. The only good thing was the dream I had Wednesday night. One of my cats had very bad ears, they had enfections and scabs on the outside that wouldn't heal because he appaerently had F.I.V. (he was an outside cat sometimes and he would go fight the neighghbor cats if they tried to go in his territory, he kinda thought he was a gaurd dog I think(J/K) Well to the point of the story, in my dream my cat was walking to heaven and as he was walking, his ears started healing and getting better and better. When he arrived at heaven, his ears were cured and his pain was gone. I felt a lot better after that dream, it kind of seemed to be a sirn that we were doing the right thing. So there is my story, I am sorry if it bored you or seemed dumb.

BrianC, and everyone else, please don't feel guilty about not acting sooner! Please don't! The fact that cats are quirky creatures to begin with combined with the fact that they can't tell us when they are sick means that even the very best, most conscientious kitty owner often does not know anything is wrong until the last minute.

Please, instead of feeling guilty, take pride in the fact that y'all are loving, compassionate humans who gave your kitties the most humane, loving, comfortable existence possible for an animal that so often suffers from abuse and neglect through ignorance. Even a few years of a pampered life is better than a lifetime on a harsh street.

Cooie is RIGHT!!!!!

im so sorry about your snuffly it is like losing one of the famliy.

that is terrible - I hope you are okay - 2 out of 3 - how sad for you - but you did the right thing and no, you are not dumb for expressing your feelings about your animals!

Allie, forst of all your story was not boring or dumb! I am so sorry about your loss. I think all of us here know exactly how you feel.

Cooie - Thank you so much for what you said. You are right and hearing those words does make me feel a little better. I know I gave Norty a good life and I think he forgives me too.