TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Update on my situation
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Update on my situation

post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 
My husband is an alcoholic and can't handle the responsibilities of a family or family expenses. He decided he is moving back with his mommy (yes Im being sarcastic). I can't help but hate his monther right now after everything she has said and done to him and always talks about how she wont ever let him move in because of his drinking and now she is. I guess in a way I feel like everyone needs to stop bailing him out of his situations and make him take responsibility(including me). He's always blaming me for his problems and his drinking. I want him to stop, but I know in my heart he never will.. We have been down this road before and decided to move almost 100 miles away from this woman because he was drinking heavily and he knew it was her who would prompt it. When we moved, I quit my VERY well paying job and moved to the country where he said he would be happy. For the first few months everything was fine. Never said anything bout be working. He was making VERY good money and we didnt have any problems. Well because he had a "bad" day at work, he started the drinking again and quit his job. He hasnt had a decent job over $9/hr since. I tried working nights weekend, anything but anytime I would, withen a week, he would pull one of his binges and go off for a day or two and I had no babysitter and had to quit my job or got fired because I had to leave work when my 7yr old called me sayin "mom, he's passed out on the floor again and Deacon (3yr old ) is getting into everything". But of course all this is MY fault. He ended up going too far one night with his drinking and I had him put in jail but of course stupid me, I bailed him out on all the empty promises of he would quit. Well, just 24 hours of me having all the charges dropped he didnt come home for 3 days. Went on a binge with the same guys who he always parties with at work. Now a week later he decides he's going to quit his job, and start drinking. He has been going back and forth between"ok I will stop drinking and stay but you have to get a job and help" to "Im fed up with Florida and all the jerks here. Im moving to Alabama". I am tired of the ups and downs and want stability. He's leaving me with over $1000 worth of bills, and thats not even counting moving expenses. I have busted my rear to save this marriage and it just can't be done. I have to move BACK almost 100 miles to be around my family who is going to help me. He says all these hurtful things to me and I don't want him around me. He's so negative all the time, which puts EVERYONE in a bad mood. he's not the father of my children, but he has been the only father my youngest has ever known. And the poor thing is so upset that his daddy is gone. I will be the first to admit, that he has hurt me so much that I want him to suffer too. I know he can find someone else in life because he is a great looking guy, and very sweet, but he has alot and I do mean ALOT of skeletons in his closet. I'm sorry if Im babbling on and on but my head isnt on straight and I feel like I have to get this all off my chest!
I gave him alot besides unconditional love, understanding, support.
I bought him alot of material things, including paying our moving expenses, his first vehicle (at 28?), you name it, I did it for him including leaving my family who said "dont go you'll regret it".
I now almost wish that I let him rot in jail because maybe then it would have proved he can't do these things to people but it bit me in the rear and showed him that someone will ALWAYS be there to get him out of trouble. Im also so confused because I do still love him and when I think of all the good and happy time/things that have happened I want to break down and cry, kick and scream.
This is my 2nd marriage, 2nd divorce. All I can do is focus on the negative to hold the hate for him to keep from having a breakdown.
I cried and begged him to stay and he did for a few more days but it seemed to make the situation worse. I prayed and cried all this last weekend to God while he was off drinking, that if he didn't want this to work, to please show or tell me, I think he is now.
It's one of those situations where it's hard to swallow the truth and reality, but I have to learn to get it out of my heart and mind that no matter what even when he quits drinking and goes X amount of time w/o drinking that it will always be on his mind because it's his scapegoat to keep from dealing with things.
The next few weeks are going to be hard because I have never had to physically move my family on my own w/o someone's help. Now is a good time to learn huh?
I hate to admit this, but it keeps crossing my mind of, "well maybe just some time apart will do us some good and he will come back" but I contradict myself when I think that because I know it would be best if he didnt....
WOW. Am I confused or what? lol
Im sorry I am so long winded and things are all mixed up in this post but I can't keep my thoughts striaght...If anyone has any advice I am willing to hear it.
Thanks for listenting and let me vent, Im sure there will be more lol
post #2 of 28
i dont have any advice but i just wanted to let you know I will be praying for you. God only gives "troubles" like this to people He knows can sort through them.
post #3 of 28
I don't have any advice, but it sounds like as hard as it is you are all better off without him. I'm sorry.
post #4 of 28
I read a lot of what you said, but I am getting ready to leave work and can't put the time into what I would like to post right now. But the most important thing I want to say is that his drinking is that NO ONE is to blame for his drinking other than himself. His mother can not drive him to drink, you can't drive him to drink and neither can anyone else, it is all about him and the decisions he makes. My Dad was an alcoholic from the time I was 3 until I was 20. At age 12, my mother informed me that it was me who drove my dad to drinking. I lived with that guilt for years. I watched my uncle in and out of rehab, and alcohol literally killed my grandfather who was one of the family members I had a very close relationship with. I wish that I could have had an affect on these people in my life who drank. I spent so much time trying to understand why I could cause my Dad to drink but not make him stop. I made a promise to myself though that I would never get involved in a relationship with a man who was an alcoholic. I will not put myself through what my mom, grandmother, and aunt did.
I am so terribly sorry that you are going through this and I know how hard it must be. It will be hard to get on your feet but once you get there you will realize that you made the right decision and you and your children will be able to live happier, SAFER lives. I admire you for being strong enough to take the actions you have to get out of the house. I would also like to recommend that you check into the programs Alanon for yourself and Alateen for your children. Both are excellent programs for the families of alcoholics.
post #5 of 28
Hey Darlin,

Having dealt with an addictive personality before (my exhusband & father of my child was and is still on pain killers... not liquor but loads of PILLS), your story sounded familiar. The "bad dad, bad husband" part really is heartbreaking and when the other person doesn't want to help put up the fight to save the marriage, you may as well bail out.

Cuz, when someone picks Liquor and/or Drugs over YOU and your CHILDREN? They're being selfish. Sure they're addicted, sure they're sick; but they will NOT realize this until they STOP and admit it, and GET HELP.

Him being with his mother sounds like my situation (8 years ago) too. He flat out said if I didn't pick up after him (he used to take so many Vicodin he'd lay in his own drool for hours, you name it he did it) that he was "gonna leave you and go move back in with mom". SO I said, okay then go.

So he did. GOOD RIDDANCE is all you really can say! Let his mother take care of him; let him wallow in his own problems. Be VERY HAPPY that he is NOT your children's bio-father. At least you can explain to them what happened. And hopefully he will stay away from them.

Who wants someone like that being a father figure? I can tell you, it's been an uphill battle for ME. My daughter has seen her father disappear several times; when he goes back to jail (I won't let her visit him), when he just takes off to go do drugs in another state, when he's in rehab (8 times and counting... rehab has not helped him one ioda).

Having to explain to a third grader why "daddy might disappear again" is freaking heartbreaking. I just had the talk with her the other day. Her dad told me his probation & rehab period is up in about 2 weeks; so now finally he can start "having fun". At least you won't have to deal with that years from now. Explaining where Daddy went and why, why daddy prefers his drugs over a child's love, etc. Trust me it sucks, you probably know that already. My daughter hasn't seen her dad while he's strung out, cuz he disappears. But his dang mother seems to change his diapers for him and help him right along into the drug pattern again.

Anyway just wanted to let ya know that you are not alone in this!

And don't sweat over the fact you'll be twice divorced. Welcome to 2005. Somewhere out there (in the future, when you're ready) there will be someone who will cross your path who will be respectful, caring, and interested in you AND your children.
post #6 of 28
I understand completey what you are going through. I suggest you find an Alanon meeting in your home town and attend meetings. If you ever want to talk PM me.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.



--Reinhold Niebuhr
post #7 of 28
Maybe you need to seek out an Alanon group to help you deal with the manipulative ways of a alcoholic. It sounds like he has really put you through it!

I hope things get better for you and your kids!
post #8 of 28
D Darling I had the EXACT thing happen to me YEARS ago! My guy was doing drugs and would dissappear for a week at a time. Finally he had to decide, if he wanted to work and pay rent (I was paying for the rest as I WAS working) or kick me out and go crying to his mom. Needless to say he went crying to his Mom who gave him money. Then he moved in with a beautiful blond and from what I hear is now living happily ever after!

It hurts and angers me - especially when his Mom told him how bad I was for him. All I can say is SH** happens! I am sorry it happened to you! Hang in there though and let your family help you! You WILL get over him and things WILL look up! Good luck!
post #9 of 28
One of my co-workers husband was an alcoholic. He went to "treatment" facilities a couple three times. Of course that didn't last long. I saw everyday, for man, many years the hell she went through for that man. He passed away a couple of years ago cancer and other ills. Recently she has met a WONDERFUL man who treats her like a queen which she deserves.
I say good for you to leave this relationship. Even though in the short term it will be difficult for you and your boys. You have your family to support you and get your life back in order. I wish you the best.
post #10 of 28
My heart aches for you.

It seems you have done everything in your power to make this relationship work and to help him and it hasn't worked so now it is time for you to get on with your life without him.

It will be difficult at first for you, but as time passes you will start to realize how lucky you were to remove yourself and your son from that environment.

Prayers and hugs to you.
post #11 of 28
From what you've said you have been through a lot! I personally feel that you should stand by a sig. other, but only for so long. You've done it long enough.

So I'll make this brief: You only get one life to live, and its too short to be miserable all the time. Love and respect only those who return that love and respect.
post #12 of 28
I vote for wanting him to leave and go live with his mom.
It sounds like you have a caring family who will help and support you through this.
And you have two darlin' boys (saw their pic in another thread) who are counting on you to keep them happy and safe.
Seek out your own help now (alanon/counselling) and give yourself the happiness you deserve.
You have friends here who will do all they can to support this decision.

I am hoping for the best for you. You must be so stressed out.

As a person with an ex-addiction and with an ex who also had an addiction, I am here for you if you need guidance or just want to talk.

PM me whenever.
post #13 of 28
MAn that power of addiction, I can't believe what people will give up because of it. It's Definitely NOT your fault.
post #14 of 28
I'm sorry you're going through this.
post #15 of 28
Oh my...sounds like life is not going your way. I've never been in your situation before so I don't have any words of wisdom...all I can say is take care and I will be thinking of you.
post #16 of 28
I deal with an alcoholic mother on a daily basis. Some days I try to understand that it's an addiction, other days it makes me angry that she doesn't even try to stop drinking. The best you can do is tell yourself that you will NOT be an enabler for him. You move on with your life, leave him to do whatever it is he will do with his. Unfortunately, you and your children have to deal with the consequences of his decision to move in with his mother. (Who, btw, sounds like the ultimate example of the enabler here.) I wish you all the best. Look into Alanon, it wasn't for me, but many people do benefit from them.
post #17 of 28
I feel very sorry for what you and your children are going through. I would just like to add my two cents. My own mother was married twice to very abusive "men" and I use that term loosely. The first was a convicted child molester. He is also unfortunately my "biological" father. She divorced him AFTER he was convicted...I was 5 years old, and know first hand he was guilty of the crime that he claims he was "framed" for. I was too scared to tell my mother until I turned 18. I am not looking for, nor do I want any pity for that! Then when I was 11, my mother married another "wonderful man". A year after she married him, he became very abusive, physically and emotionally towards me. He was a complete a$$hole. My brother and I were removed from the home 3 months before my 15th birthday and placed in foster care. Finally, about 3 months after my 21st birthday, she left him. She had a woman friend that had just recently moved down to Virginia (my mom and I are from PA) and one day she finally decided she had enough. She filled up a trash bag with the first things she saw, and went down to Virginia with just $100 in her pocket. A year after she left, she met an honest-to goodness, truly wonderful man named unfortunately, Dick. He loved her very much, treated my brother and I like part of his family, even though we were both grown. They became engaged 2 years later. In June of 2000, she was diagnosed with cancer and given 2 months to 2 years to live. She made it 2 months. August 11, 2000 my mother was gone. She had only 6 years of knowing unconditional love. On Thanksgiving Eve of 2001, I called Dick to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. Even though it had been a little over a year since she died, he was still crying for her. He told me how much he missed her. The next morning his son called me, to say Dick just had a massive stroke and died. That may be the official cause of death, but I know the real cause was a broken heart.
I am telling you all this...not for pity....but because I want you to learn from my mother. YOU ARE NOT GUARANTEED TOMORROW!!! My mother got to know only 6 years....6 years!!! of happiness. She was only 48 years old. You have to ask yourself this....If I were to die tomorrow, do I want to die crying over this man?
I am praying for you and your children. I hope all works out for you. PM me if you need to talk.

Ginger
post #18 of 28
POwerful stuff yuo have said there Ginger.

Dixie - you don't need to be going through this,all for a man. I would rather you be happy with your lovely children - they bring more joy than an alcoholic man who brings you nothing but misery. I say you get as far away from him as possible. Maybe you cannot see that yuo will be better off without him when he is around and you are worrying about him. Get away, focus on yourself, see if you can get your old job back, get yourself all fixed up and rebuild your confidence.

Yo uare in my thoughts.
post #19 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by emmysamson
I feel very sorry for what you and your children are going through. I would just like to add my two cents. My own mother was married twice to very abusive "men" and I use that term loosely. The first was a convicted child molester. He is also unfortunately my "biological" father. She divorced him AFTER he was convicted...I was 5 years old, and know first hand he was guilty of the crime that he claims he was "framed" for. I was too scared to tell my mother until I turned 18. I am not looking for, nor do I want any pity for that! Then when I was 11, my mother married another "wonderful man". A year after she married him, he became very abusive, physically and emotionally towards me. He was a complete a$$hole. My brother and I were removed from the home 3 months before my 15th birthday and placed in foster care. Finally, about 3 months after my 21st birthday, she left him. She had a woman friend that had just recently moved down to Virginia (my mom and I are from PA) and one day she finally decided she had enough. She filled up a trash bag with the first things she saw, and went down to Virginia with just $100 in her pocket. A year after she left, she met an honest-to goodness, truly wonderful man named unfortunately, Dick. He loved her very much, treated my brother and I like part of his family, even though we were both grown. They became engaged 2 years later. In June of 2000, she was diagnosed with cancer and given 2 months to 2 years to live. She made it 2 months. August 11, 2000 my mother was gone. She had only 6 years of knowing unconditional love. On Thanksgiving Eve of 2001, I called Dick to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. Even though it had been a little over a year since she died, he was still crying for her. He told me how much he missed her. The next morning his son called me, to say Dick just had a massive stroke and died. That may be the official cause of death, but I know the real cause was a broken heart.
I am telling you all this...not for pity....but because I want you to learn from my mother. YOU ARE NOT GUARANTEED TOMORROW!!! My mother got to know only 6 years....6 years!!! of happiness. She was only 48 years old. You have to ask yourself this....If I were to die tomorrow, do I want to die crying over this man?
I am praying for you and your children. I hope all works out for you. PM me if you need to talk.

Ginger
Wow.

Makes you think.
post #20 of 28
Thread Starter 
Thank you all for the support. Im sorry i havent responded. I have been trying to keep my mind off of everything thats going on to keep my sanity!
post #21 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loveysmummy
I vote for wanting him to leave and go live with his mom.
It sounds like you have a caring family who will help and support you through this.
And you have two darlin' boys (saw their pic in another thread) who are counting on you to keep them happy and safe.
Seek out your own help now (alanon/counselling) and give yourself the happiness you deserve.
You have friends here who will do all they can to support this decision.

I am hoping for the best for you. You must be so stressed out.
You said it all so well!
There's not too much I could add without getting terribly personal. I will tell you that I specialize (professionally) in abusive relationships, so please feel free to PM me if you ever want help with anything that you are going through. You and your precious boys are in my prayers now .
post #22 of 28
I can't offer more than any of the others except that he is an alcoholic because HE chooses to be and it is no fault of anyone else, certainly not you. While I loathe the word enabler (reminds me of Dr. Phil, lol), anyone who helps him continue this track of self destruction is an enabler incl you and his mother. If his mother wants to continue the role, let her take him back. I know how difficult this can be but in the long term, your life will be much better than coping with the ups and downs of life and the inevitable uncertainties that rings with an alcoholic (or anyone with an addiction for that matter). I do wish you luck - you may want to try counselling for yourself and there are many groups who provide help to families of alcholics. Good luck!!
post #23 of 28
Thread Starter 
He's FINALLY leaving saturday. It's just not gonna work. He didnt pay the rent this week so I have until Sept 4th to move out.. Fun fun, he's not helping with anything, the move, the costs anything. He got drunk AGAIN tonight and started his BS.. I am SO over this! Im glad to be moving back to where all my friends and family are. I have been away from them for a year and god I miss them!
post #24 of 28
Stay strong...you are in my thoughts!!

Good for you on walking away from a horrible situation. Your life is much too short and precious to have to deal with BS like that. Sometimes, the healthiest thing to do is to turn around and walk away.
post #25 of 28
What a difficult time for you! You know we're here to support you at any time.Let's merge this with your other thread so all of your information and all you've been going through is right here in one place for all of us to share with you.
post #26 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by emmysamson
I feel very sorry for what you and your children are going through. I would just like to add my two cents. My own mother was married twice to very abusive "men" and I use that term loosely. The first was a convicted child molester. He is also unfortunately my "biological" father. She divorced him AFTER he was convicted...I was 5 years old, and know first hand he was guilty of the crime that he claims he was "framed" for. I was too scared to tell my mother until I turned 18. I am not looking for, nor do I want any pity for that! Then when I was 11, my mother married another "wonderful man". A year after she married him, he became very abusive, physically and emotionally towards me. He was a complete a$$hole. My brother and I were removed from the home 3 months before my 15th birthday and placed in foster care. Finally, about 3 months after my 21st birthday, she left him. She had a woman friend that had just recently moved down to Virginia (my mom and I are from PA) and one day she finally decided she had enough. She filled up a trash bag with the first things she saw, and went down to Virginia with just $100 in her pocket. A year after she left, she met an honest-to goodness, truly wonderful man named unfortunately, Dick. He loved her very much, treated my brother and I like part of his family, even though we were both grown. They became engaged 2 years later. In June of 2000, she was diagnosed with cancer and given 2 months to 2 years to live. She made it 2 months. August 11, 2000 my mother was gone. She had only 6 years of knowing unconditional love. On Thanksgiving Eve of 2001, I called Dick to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. Even though it had been a little over a year since she died, he was still crying for her. He told me how much he missed her. The next morning his son called me, to say Dick just had a massive stroke and died. That may be the official cause of death, but I know the real cause was a broken heart.
I am telling you all this...not for pity....but because I want you to learn from my mother. YOU ARE NOT GUARANTEED TOMORROW!!! My mother got to know only 6 years....6 years!!! of happiness. She was only 48 years old. You have to ask yourself this....If I were to die tomorrow, do I want to die crying over this man?
I am praying for you and your children. I hope all works out for you. PM me if you need to talk.

Ginger
Thanks for sharing that Ginger. You must be a very strong soul
post #27 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by DixieDarlin256
He's FINALLY leaving saturday. It's just not gonna work. He didnt pay the rent this week so I have until Sept 4th to move out.. Fun fun, he's not helping with anything, the move, the costs anything. He got drunk AGAIN tonight and started his BS.. I am SO over this! Im glad to be moving back to where all my friends and family are. I have been away from them for a year and god I miss them!
It may not seem like it now but this is your window beginning to open, girl.

Jump out.

I am glad that you are looking towards a positive beginning.
In a year, you will look back at this and know you did the right thing for you and the kids.
Good luck. Stay strong. Take care.
post #28 of 28
Man, he sounds just like my Dad!
Mum kicked him out for that same reason and he went to live with his Mummy too, she said come back to your children when you can choose us over booze, never happened.
25 years later, Mummy and Daddy have died, he was kicked out of another relationship for the same reason and now wonders why no-one wants to talk to him, including his own sisters.
Mum went to Al-anon and it really helped her to understand it was his choice not her fault.
Stay strong for your kids sake, they need you a whole lot more than him.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Cat Lounge
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Update on my situation