I think the humiliation is wearing off....

I think my humiliation over this whole situation is wearing off...but I really have no one to talk to about this....and there's along drawn out back story...so I will just sum it up....my mom's side of family (and I love them dearly) are very opinionated....however, they tend to opinionated at other peoples expense...like, they say what they want, and if it hurts your feelings...well, toughen up. I always knoew that about them...but I learned from my Mama that you can be opinonated, and thats okay, but that diplomacy is a very good attribute to have in your repoitre. So, I have always been diplomatic in my opinions. I will tell the truth, but I will be nice about it.
My problems started 3 years ago...I was in a horrific accident and fractured my pelvis on both sides...as I started to heal, my hips were a little wider. I mentioned it to my doctor, and she told me that where I had fractured them, I would always have a little pooch, there was nothing I could do about it, and I was a woman, I had child bearing hips, and that I was not overweight. I started taking zoloft last september, and I have not changed my eating habits, I still exercise but I gained about 19 pounds since september. Mix all of that in one big bowl, and you have me self conscious Diane. I am 5'5 and I am a perfect size 10. A little chubby...but I have always been that way.
Well, for awhile now, my grandfather has been on my case to lose weight, and I have ignored it, and I have ignored it, and I have ignored it. Well, this past Saturday, I couldnt ignore it anymore. He told me that I needed to get slim and trim again....I have put on weight in the past 3 years....and I started to argue with him, and then I stopped...and I just told him "This is me. Take it or leave it. I can't and WONT change who or what I am...I am sorry I am fat and you cant deal with that." And I left my grandparents in a huff. The only reason I gave a damn was because my grandmother was hurt by the exchange. I get in the truck with my sister....and I can admit, I was humiliated and hurt by his words....and she tells me what my aunt said (who lives across the street from grandparents.) Every year, my family and I take a trip to Ocean Sands, where we rent a cottage for the week and hang out. Yeah, great, wooo-hooo. Not. My aunt is obsessive about everything from what we do to when we eat. Well, I got married last year, and given mine and my husbands job, I could either take the family trip to Ocean Sands or take a honeymoon. We opted to spend time with our family. So, she calls me up and says "Lets make this your honeymoon, and you can have the master suite with the whirlpool tub." I am like, okay, that sounds great, thanks. The 2nd day we were there, I got a terrible cold. So I didnt help is preparing any food...I was sick, I didnt need to be coughing and sneezing all over everyones food...I took a nap one afternoon because I couldnt breathe and was having trouble sleeping...I did do the dishes a few times, and I did watch her 3 kids so she could do what she wanted to do. I thought everything was fine....then Saturday, she keeps my sister there to b*tch about how I didnt do anything last year, and if me and my husband thought we were just going to sit on the couch and read magazines and take naps, we were going to piss her off quick.....I LOST IT!!! I was so angry...but too far up the road to turn back, that I calmly had my sister call my mother and tell her that I was through with her entire family picking on me and my husband, and I would not be participating in the family vacation this year. My Mom hit the roof. When I got to her house on Saturday night to have dinner with her and my father, she was on the phone laying my grandfather out. Then, she called my aunt and let her have it, too. I got an apology from my grandfather, but I am still going to be self conscious next week in a bathing suit at the beach...wondering if he's wondering if I should be released back into the ocean. And I will be walking on eggs shells all week wondering if my aunt is keeping track of everything I am NOT doing.
I am so through with it...and my Dad told me not to worry about it that I am not fat, but my self esteem has really taken a beating this past weekend.....but I think my anger is beyond justified.........and the humiliation is definitely a feeling I will wear for a little while longer.....

{{{{hugs}}}}

You shouldn't feel humilated - THEY should.

Originally Posted by Talon

You shouldn't feel humilated - THEY should.

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Wow...I am so sorry. All I can say is I understand how you feel (my own family dynamics), and I think standing up for yourself, and choosing to not put yourself (and your hubby) in a position where you will be abused (to me that is abusive), is a good thing.

I know that my next comment won't help a bit..but I managed to feel fat when I was 5'6 and 144 (I was curvey). Believe me, now I know what truly being obese can do to one's health and self esteem, and I am spending years to correct the situation.

Try to see yourself just through your own eyes - how do YOU feel in your body, can it do what you want, do you enjoy wearing your favorite clothes, like how you look in them, does your hubby complain in the slightest?

Women truly get a raw deal re body image and weight and we shouldn't take it any more. Feeling beautiful will make you beautiful, trust me on that.

You're a size 10 and they're complaining you're fat?? Huney, thats what leads to bulimia and anorexia in today's children. Society's obssession with people who are not the perfect size 2. Do you know that Marilyn Monroe, who long had the title of the Sexiest Woman in the World, was a size 12?

In my mind, you are perfectly justified with your blow-ups. You should NOT feel humiliated for getting angry. You don't need to live up to anyone's standards but your own!

What everyone else said, plus--size 10? SIZE 10??? A size 10 is SO not fat.

Diane - why do you feel humiliated? I think you did the right thing in telling your grandfather to accept you the way you are. Thats what unconditional love is!!!
And as for your aunt - common sense would say you dont go near food when you are sick!!! Idon't blame you for not wanting to join the family this time. but if you do go, why not just keep yourself busy with activities around the beach and with your hubby - she cannot criticise you for doing what you want to do. Thats her problem, not yours.

Poor you, I really feel for you!

People can be stupid and it counts double for family coz they just assume that hey your family you can take it...bah humbug...

Don't feel humilated, the problem is theirs. Your hubby is happy with your body and that is all that counts.

I've dealt I call it stupid stuff with my husband's family. They all love to play cards and could sit and play cards solid for 5-6 hrs. I am not a card player and will not play. I will sit by the table for a little while and then do my own thing. In my mind there is life other than playing cards. I would rather sit and visit have a conversation. You can't do that while they are playing cards however.
So I understand. I think you know your sanity is more important. How can you have a vacation (which should be relaxing) with relatives like yours.
Do you all equally share in the rental/food and other expenses? If you do I feel everyone has an equal voice on what is done during that time. Do you enjoy going there-maybe a change of scenery would be nice for everyone.
As for the "weight" issue it sounds like everyone else has an issue with it other than you. I would block my ears and not listen to them at this time. Do they know how many women would liek to be a size 10??? That isn't "fat" at all. I guess there priorities are straight.

you know because i am small if i put on two kilos its very noticeble, im much smaller than you are, in the past 6 - 12 months ive put on 12 kilograms, you would think wow 62 kilograms isnt fat at all, but when you put that amount on a 5'1-5'2 person that is infact alot.
Because of my small figure a size small fits but makes my fat stick out and a size M is far too big either way.. You should feel beautiful for who you are!
I dont take crap about me being fat from my family, if they want me to change they have to get me motivated to change and encourage me to WHY i should change.
I need to lose weight for health benifits, havent weighed my self for 3 weeks now because i am scared to see the results.

Good luck! I think you have done well to say what was on your mind to your family.

I'be been where you are. My grandmother got very critical after I went from a size six to a size eight. She made sure to point out, infront of everyone at Easter Dinner, how much bigger my rear had gotten. Unlike you, I didn't have the courage to stand up for myself. She's 84 and has emphyzema, and has always been that way so I just let it go. Fortunately, our relationship is much better now.

Your grandfather's and aunt's behavior is inexcusable, and sadly even our own family members do behave that way occaisonally. Sometimes they need a good swift kick in the *** to remind them that it's wrong to criticize like that. Be proud that you stood up for yourself.

As for your weight, a size ten is not fat. I am 5'5 and a size eight. There's not much difference between an eight and a ten, and I do not believe I am fat so neither should you. Is there room for improvement in my physique? Yes, but show me someone who doesn't feel that way. Am I fat? No way. In college I lost a lot of weight and was down to a size five. Since I got married I put it all back on and will probably never take it off again. I didn't change my eating habits either. Sometimes our bodies just change. Your doctor says you are not overweight correct? That is the person to believe. It's not important to have the perfect body, it's important to be healthy.

The important thing to remember is that you have no reason to be humiliated. You stood up for yourself and were honest. Be proud of that.

I think it's good that you stood up for yourself. They could talk down to you your entire life, but you can stand up for yourself. You live with yourself. It sounds to me that it's not a health issue with the weight so boo hoo for them. As for your Aunt....dealing with that is tougher....just be strong! And enjoy your vacation in spite of her!

Sometimes I think that, just because they're family, family goes to far. They think they can say whatever they want to us and we will just roll with it. You should NOT feel humiliated. I'm glad you stood up and spoke your mind. Fat? Ha. Healthy and confident, more likely. Hugs!

Congratulations on standing up for yourself!! It's a not-good thing to have family that seems simply to want to put you down; I know my family was like that. And I also wanted to be nice about it and never said anything. Unfortunately, when they knew they'd be able to get away with it, they got all the worse. I now choose to be around people who make me feel good about myself.

But I trust your hubby is a terrific one to be around.

You need to remember that there are toxic people in the world. I don't think they try to be mean, they just are.

My ex grandmother in law was a hateful old biddy. She greeted me once, after not seeing her for about a year, by saying my acne looked worse. I was so tempted to say that her wrinkles were worse, but she was old, and I didn't have to see her often.

Remember that toxic people are just that, bad for you, and bad for your self esteem. If you just keep taking their verbal abuse, you will crack. Then you sometimes lash out and say more than you meant to say. And if you are used to being so thoughtful and nice, it feels bad to say mean things sometimes. (I have trouble sticking up for myself, too!)

Try to picture situations that might come up at the family get together this year. See if you can problem solve to prevent some conflicts. Maybe take different nights for fixing meals, or let your aunt know up front you only want to watch her kids one day, etc. And try to set firm limits or boundaries with your aunt and grandpa. Don't let them abuse you! If they are mean enough to you, that if they acted that way towards a friend or little sister, you need to stop them somehow. Don't worry about being overly nice or mean. Use a sense of humor if you can. And be thankful for your parents support, they sound very wise.

I understand where you are coming from. I have been there.

You are not fat, and you shouldn't have to spend a vacation with people like that, family or not.

Why not spend your next vacation alone? Just you and your husband.

It's hard to finally do what's best for you...instead of trying to please everyone else.

Will your family be crushed if you vacation without them? Maybe.

Will they get over it? YES.

I have a family a lot like yours. I was 5'5 and 104 lbs and thought I was fat! I was skin and bones. I looked sick. I am now a bit over the weight I would like to be. I am around 135. I still wear a juniors 9. I would like to be 115. I would settle for 120. I am 30 years old. I don't want my teenagers thinking they have to be perfect. Our 11 year old wears clothes a size bigger than I do. The 14 yr old wears a size smaller. I want my kids active and healthy not skinny.

My mom always seemed to give me the hardest time about my weight. I finally had a nice but honest conversation with my mom about a year ago. I told her to leave me alone about my weight. I said she and my twin sister are twice my size and until the day they are smaller than me, I don't ever want to hear another word about it. She hasn't said a word since. She has actually stared complimenting me instead. Sometimes people need a "slap in the face" per se. She didn't realize just how much her negative remarks had affected me most of my life.

I have also stopped caring what anyone in my family thinks. It's my life, I'm a grown woman and I have my own family now. I still love them dearly and see them often, but my fiancee and our kids come first. Life is actually a lot happier for me now. I finally feel like I have control of my own life.


Lots of hugs {{{{{}}}}} to you. Don't let other people change the way you feel about yourself. You are what matters, not what other people think.

Bobbie

I know what it's like to be the sensitive one in a family full of uh...not so sensitive types. I'm the baby of the family and I'm a lot younger than my brothers & sisters, so I was basically an only child. I was once so self-concious around my own family (not my wonderful parents, but my siblings) that I never even went to visit them when they'd stay at my parents' house. It's not even that I didn't want to--I just didn't want to get my feelings hurt.

One of my sisters thinks that she's only responsible for her children's feelings. She said I'm an adult and she can't be concerned with how I feel about what she says. It's not her "responsibility." I lived with her for about 6 months and she was horrible. I haven't talked to her in six years.

One of my brothers is just loud and obnoxious. One time one of my sisters sent my parents some fudge and he was looking for it and asked me if I ate it and I said no. He said, "good, you don't need it." Har har. One time at Christmas he got an expensive golf club from one of my other brothers, and my nephew who was around 13 was playing with it and he told him, "don't mess with that--it's worth more than your life." My nephew is very close to me, like my little brother, and I could tell he was embarrassed and hurt. My brother just doesn't THINK!

The rest of them aren't that bad, and some of them are very sweet, thankfully. I know my obnoxious brother loves and cares about me a great deal, but that's just the way he is. My sister is just...mean.

I've never said anything to them, but I imagine it would feel wonderful! You should feel proud, not embarrassed!

I think the important thing is you stood up for yourself!! They are the ones with problems - especially if they think sizwe 10 is fat!! Gawd, that is skinny in my book - in any books except someone with anerexia!!! Don't le them do that humiliate or bully you, Life is way too short!!

How, tell me, how does your family FORGET that you had that horrific accident????!!!! Can't they remember how relieved they must have felt when they heard that you were severely injured, but would survive?? Should I take a pic of my 18yo nephew's headstone, so that they can be reminded of how thankful they should be?! ...... I'm so glad that you stood up for yourself, but I am so sorry that your aunt, esp., forgot to be thankful that you are there in her life! At least you will be a good example in her 3 kids' lives........ By the way, good for your mom for calling her dad & sis onto the mat for this!