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Am I right to be mad?

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 
OK so things have blown up over the last couple of days. Some guy (P) had spoken to a friend of Rune's telling him that I was cheating on Rune with him. Please bear in mind that P is in the states, so how I'm supposed to cheat from Denmark is beyond me. Of course this comes back to Rune and then to me - Rune accused me of being a cheat and a liar, because I hadn't a clue what was going on. (I do have a past that goes against me, I'm ashamed to admit, but I've got my cross to bear just like everyone else and I've been carrying it and working to put it right - I made sure that people always have a reason to trust me) I've not spoken more than a few words to him over the last few years. P's words to this friend however, were that all women are sl*ts and that I had been hitting on him. I tried to think of what i could ahve said that would ahve made him think that I was hitting on him. And when I eventually asked P about it, he said that although the "all women are" comment was nothing to do with me, I was flirtatious when I chat and he was using me as an example to prove a point about how all women think. Sexist pig or what. This surprise med, but when I thought about it, I call everyone sweetie, or babe, or gorgeous - even Fran has to put up with things like "Hey sexy baby, how are you?" - and everyone knows that's just who I am. Which is fair enough, I suppose to him it might have looked like I was hitting on him - even though it wasn't meant that way at all. I'm happy with Rune and I've not looked at another man.

Anyway, I went through hell just to prove that I'm trustworthy, to the man I love and I live with. It hurt like nothing on earth to think he could feel that way, after everything I've had to lose to be here with him. I might be daft form time to time but I'm not stupid enough to throw away something this good.

HOwever, last night Rune went out and left me in the house. He was off to play poker all night with friends. I made him promise me that he woudln't come home too drunk - after last weekends fiasco. I don't object to him spending nights with his mates. I don't object to him drinking. I don't object if he's out until 6am. What I do object to is the ass who comes home paralytic and thinks it's acceptable to drop his pants and p*ss in the courtyard. I dragged him inside through pure shame. I yelled at him and I told him I didn't care how long he'd been out and I didn't care how hungover he was, he was going to get up this morning if he liked it or not. He broke his promise to me - and gave me a reason not to trust him - after his lectures yesterday about how he coudln't trust me. He told me I was a bitter woman and that if it was such a big problem, I should find somewhere else to stay.

Now I cook for him, I clean and I do his laundry. I've lost a whole life and my little boy in the process of coming here - and this is what I get in turn for it. Don't get me wrong, I love the man and I know he loves me too, but he's got to realise that he's not a bachelor any more. I would like a little help in the house sometimes. There are days I feel more like a maid than anything else - and if things go wrong, he thinks that flowers will cure everything. He's still in bed just now and it's 10am. If he's not up by mid-day there will be hell let loose.

Am I right to be mad over this?
post #2 of 24
I would be mad, about him coming home drunk and wasted. I cannot STAND to be around a sloppy, drunk.
post #3 of 24
That's a heck of a situation to be in Lilllie. When I start feeling like I"m being treated like a maid, *first hubby, not Jerry* I would go on strike...........that usually woke him up quick enough..........unfortunately, it didnt last.........

I give you credit for not complaining about him staying out all night coming home drunk.......Jerry and I would have real problems with that if he ever tried it.
post #4 of 24
Thread Starter 
I complained about him being drunk... or rather... late and drunk I can handle. Paralytic is just completely unacceptable. He's not a bachelor any more. He entioned to me at some point about having a cat and "having responsibilities" and I'm not sure I've seen him step up to those yet. Tomorrow he's going to get the wake-up call of his life. He is going to spend a day doing what I do in the house. Which includes all the laundry for both of us, all the dishes, cleaning and cooking. I'm going to make sure he does the sinks and he will be given a toothbrush to do the toilet with. I'll be dmaned if I'm clearing up ths mess he's made this weekend. And I think for once in my life, I'd like to have breakfast in bed.
post #5 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilleKat
I complained about him being drunk... or rather... late and drunk I can handle. Paralytic is just completely unacceptable. He's not a bachelor any more. He entioned to me at some point about having a cat and "having responsibilities" and I'm not sure I've seen him step up to those yet. Tomorrow he's going to get the wake-up call of his life. He is going to spend a day doing what I do in the house. Which includes all the laundry for both of us, all the dishes, cleaning and cooking. I'm going to make sure he does the sinks and he will be given a toothbrush to do the toilet with. I'll be dmaned if I'm clearing up ths mess he's made this weekend. And I think for once in my life, I'd like to have breakfast in bed.
You go!!! You have every right to be mad about him coming home like that.
post #6 of 24
I would be mad, too. You have every right to have certain expectations in a relationship, just as he does. How would he feel if you were the one coming home drunk?
post #7 of 24
I agree you have every right to be mad. if steve treated me like that he would be on the curb...and he knows it.
post #8 of 24
I simply wouldn't stay with someone who respected me so little. Yes, you absolutely have a right to be mad!
post #9 of 24
You do have the right to be upset and mad. I think your also feeling unappreciated for the things you do in your relationship. Continue to talk to each other. Nothing worse for a relationship than not talking and holding it all inside. It just festers. Good Luck!
post #10 of 24
oh wow if charlie ever treated me like that id go on strike.id make his life a living hell.if hes hung over and still asleep how about getting the hovver out and cleaning the bedroon NOISILY id do it.mind u i have a wicked streak when pushed.
it sounds like this so-called friend is jelous of the relationship u and rune have and want to spoil it.hes either upset that your happy or that runes happy,(hes not gay is he??)wants to split u2 up and move in on rune,(did i say i was also suspicios as well.
but good luck anyway
post #11 of 24
Just because I have this really nasty habit of seeing both sides of the coin....here goes.

Perhaps Rune is going through a transition that he wasn't expecting. He's been a bachelor on his own, and although you've come to visit before you actually living there with him is throwing him off. Like he's suddenly realized that this relationship is for real and it's scaring him. He may not even realize why he's doing it, but it almost sounds like he's testing you to see what his boundaries are, and what your boundaries are. Unfair? Definitely! And yes you have every right to be upset. But I find that trying to understand what is going on underneath the surface is the only way to really work through these things. So, definitely talk to him in a calm manner and find out from him what is going on. Why was he so willing to believe what some guy thousands of miles away said? (Keep the discussion in the present relationship...what happened in the past doesn't count!) Why does he need to go out and get wasted? (And explain why you don't want him to...good reasons, like being concerned for his health and safety.) But let this be a place to openly discuss what is going on, even if it isn't what the other person wants to hear.
post #12 of 24
UGH I hate guys! Im going through this same crap right now except it was my friends husband who told John that I was cheating on him.. Excuse me!? I can't have guy friends?? I didn't cheat on him.. Now, yes, we've *urm* done things since we broke up but that's different and its none of johns business what Im doing now. He calls me up last night bitching at me for this crap calling me a whore so I let loose and told him all of the things that bother me about him. He drinks contantly and he tries to say its ok because his family is Irish.. I don't care. I'm german and Indian You dont see me drinking and scalping people do you!? He's online right now so I had to block everyone on my buddylist and Im sick of all of this.. I don't want to have to make a new screen name just to get away from him.. He called this house this morning at like 1 - 130 AM drunk and I got pissed because my parents were sleeping.. I shouldve just let THEM answer it but I didnt know it was going to be him. I'm fed up and I really hope that it doesn't get this bad for you two. I feel like I'm back in highschool where people are petty and make up crap to get you in trouble.. *sighs* I can't wait to go to florida next month.... Oh I have a song you should listen to if you haven't already. Its my theme song at the moment - JoDee Messina : My Give A Damn's Busted
post #13 of 24
You both deserve better. (Lille & Royal)
post #14 of 24
Good grief Emma you've only been out there a few weeks and this is happening!

My mum always used to say, you don't get to know a person until you live with them.

Have you both argued like this before?
post #15 of 24
Thread Starter 
Neither of us have ever argued - and for the most part we didn't argue over this either. I did give him what for when he did get home - simply because I was seething and I know fine well that if I'd left it until later, I could be a whole lot worse. When he sobered up and came around we sat down and we talked and I took your advice to be calm and be open. I apologised for getting mad and I explained that the reason I get mad was because I actually care about what happens to him. I explained that it's not the lateness or drunkenness (within moderation) that bothers me so much as the fact that he'd promised me he wouldn't be that drunk. He apologised for the fact that he'd been so bad with the drink and for the things he'd said to me - and he's also apologised profusely for the "I don't trust you" issue. I've proved myself in that instance and it was about time he realised it. We had the chance to discuss what was making him drink that way - and he thinks it's simply a case of him not having enough self-control to say "no, I've had enough". So between us we're going to come up with a way of making it better. Something that allows for him to go out and have a drink with his mates, but not get so plastered that he can't remember being there. I've said to him that I was mad because I don't want anything to happen to him - and that I really would like for this to get fixed instead of get worse. I could have sat back and jsut let him get on with it and not given a stuff, but that woudln't actually show that I love him. I love him enough to want to make sure he at least keeps his liver in tact! He's out at choir practise again today and I've made him promise there will be NO beer. he's agreed that he'll come straight home and spend a little time with me - seeing as I've seen him for one evening so far this week and I spent all yesterday clearing up the bits after the hangover from hell. I don't like his hangovers, and he doesn't either, so we have to do something to make sure that he doesn't have to feel so ill. This isn't something I'm going to put my foot down on and insist he fixes alone - it's a relationship isn't it? That's what it's all about - communication and doing things together and if we're going to fix it, I think it's something we both have to work for.

Ah me, but thankyou guys for letting me rant and rave when I needed to! YOur advice is sound - where would I be without people like you? I love you all!
post #16 of 24
You lost your son over this guy? That's not right, nobody is worth that.
post #17 of 24
Thread Starter 
I didn't lose my son over this man.... what happened was more that I couldn't cut it as a mother, but my ex refused to let me take Alex out of the country. So, one thing led to another and with all the stresses and strains I had to go through, eventually it got to a point that Alex wasn't getting what he really really needed form me as a mother. There's only so far a string will stretch before it snaps. And that's the point I got to. He lives with his father and his new step-mum and he's really happy. In the end I'm glad that this decision was made - even though it's really hard. I suppose I didn't phrase that sentence too well: I didn't give up my son to get here, I gave up my son in the process of getting here - simply so that both of us would be able to have a better opportunity to be happy. But it hurts like hell that I had to do that - what I was trying to express was the fact that Rune sometimes forgets how much it hurts for me that I don't have my little boy with me any more - and there were a couple of really callous things he said the other morning that I didn't need - but when I'm mad, words don't come out right.
post #18 of 24
Hey, it takes a brave woman to admit she ain't cut out for motherhood.
Feel that way some days myself.
Glad for you that this man wasn't the cause.

BTW you've got a right to be mad.
Been dumped a aouple of times myself because of what a "friend" said. But that wa when I was a teenager, as an adult he should be mature enough not to jump to conclusions.
As for getting ripped when he promised not to, sounds like he's having a few problems with "issues" ie believe friend or girlfriend.
Hope he didn't drive, that really would have been irresponsible.
post #19 of 24
Lille, I'm so pleased to hear that the storm has passed. Sounds like you and Rune communicate VERY well, and are well-equipped to handle any "transitional" issues that may come up during the next few weeks. Keep up the good work and you two are headed for a very happy life together!!
post #20 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purr
I simply wouldn't stay with someone who respected me so little. Yes, you absolutely have a right to be mad!

I AGREE! You said you gave up your son? for him? HE feels he has the milk so why buy the cow!

You may find if you do not play by his ways that you lose him. It is something to think about!
post #21 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by MyBabies
I AGREE! You said you gave up your son? for him? HE feels he has the milk so why buy the cow!

You may find if you do not play by his ways that you lose him. It is something to think about!
she didnt leave her little boy for him
post #22 of 24
LilleKat I know I don't know you but this guy sounds like more trouble than he's worth...I'd be very mad with all the stuff that is going on.
post #23 of 24
I'm glad you sat down and talked with him, and that you're both willing to work toward making this situation right.

You know, it's really easy to say that she deserves better, and in this instance she does! But from most of I've read about Rune, he sounds like a wonderful man. It's easy to complain when bad things happen in the relationship and forget to talk about the good things (I know that from experience - and have had the same advice given to me because all people heard about was the bad stuff), but she's with him for a reason. Emma needs more than just a "leave him" chant, she needs support to deal with this new and difficult stage in their relationship.
post #24 of 24
Thread Starter 
Aw people, you really mustn't get me wrong, Rune is an incredible guy. He's stood by me through stuff where a lot more men would up and walk away. Heidi, I didn't leave my little boy for him - nor did I say that I did - maybe you didn't read all of what I said, or youve misinterpreted (I've explained in a post above why it might have looked like it did). Oh and just for the record, Ginger's Mom - no, he didn't drive - we don't have a car thanks for asking. We do communicate very well Erica, just like you pointed out - our relationship is based on our communication and thankfully yes, the storm over this trust issue has passed. I think you could be right over the drinking because he was feeling messed up over that "who to believe" scenario... but to be sure, we're going to work out a way of making sure that it doesn't happen again - TOGETHER. Tracy, Rune's not really trouble (to be honest for the most part he's the most stable and predictable guy on the planet) it was just the drinking to excess that I really had any problem with, and hopefully because we talk a lot, we can overcome it and work out where the problem lies. He's very open and honest - he's the only person I've met so far who has the guts to say yes, when I ask "does my bum look big in this"! He was and still is, very supportive - even though sometimes he does forget - over my situation with Alex. He knows very well the situation I've come from and he stood by me all through it. He knows what went on with the legal battles and he was perfectly willing to take on Alex as his own son. The only problem with that was me. I'm not made to be a mother and I was letting Alex down by keeping him with me. I love my son more than anything on earth and the last thing I wanted to do was prevent him from getting the best and to hurt him by being a lousy mother. I did my best, but my best didn't cut it - and I'm proud to say I love him enough to admit defeat and to let him go to where he was going to be much happier.

I can't thank all of you enough for the words you've shared with me over this - it's nice to feel there's somewhere to go ad someone to share problems with when you're too mad to deal with the problem immediately. We'll get through it - thankyou Oh and Heidi (valanhb) thanks so much for your last post - that really meant a lot! You're all very special people and I value you all highly, but heidi is very right - I'm not going to leave Rune over something trivial that by this time next week, I'll probably have forgotten! (Listen guys, I can't remember what I had for breakfast TODAY!) It is VERY easy to rant when you're mad, but it's not worth throwing away something that for all other reasons is incredible.
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