Need some advice...maybe some vibes...

So, I got in a fight with one of my houseguests as she was leaving...she yelled at me and called me a control freak.

I was venting to Ian about the whole debacle and he offered this advice: "well, maybe you ARE a control freak"

So I googled it. It seems like to be a bona-fide control freak, you have to be constantly critical of everyone around you and try to field-marshall them into doing things to validate yourself, among other things.

Things that worry me in terms of possibly needing to see someone about this?:

-where my kits are involved...I don't tend to trust other people. At all. I am a nervous wreck when I leave them with someone else, even for a few hours. I just don't feel like other people can take care of them and I'm always worried that they won't be as paranoid about them getting outside as I am. When I leave the house, I am ALWAYS worried that one will get out and get lost.

-I also can't do group projects at school. I tend to just get really fliipant and do the whole thing myself.

-I hate letting other people drive my car. I get SO NERVOUS that they'll total it. Driving with other people in other cars is fine, though.

-I will admit to criticising a few of my "friends" (read: acqaintences), however, these particular friends have habits like shoplifting, substance abuse, codependent relationships, relationships built soley on sex, failing classes, partying to the point of irresponsibility, etc. They tell me to "lighten up", but I really feel like it's difficult to trust someone with my stuff who has a history of stealing things, for instance.

-I get stressed out really easily.

-I'm a neat freak...I don't do well with living with anyone who is anything but a fellow neat freak.

-I get really peaved when people are late.

So...is it true? You can be totally honest with me and give me suggestions...I'm hurting for them, apparently. I need to know whether to take this seriously...it's something that could hurt my relationships for the rest of my life.

so sorry to heard that Allie... ....not advice for you, because I never had the experience of hostess.... ....but I´m here to listen to you....
I´m so sure you´re a great person! ...

Originally Posted by ugaimes

I don't like the term "control freak" because it's a bit harsh.
But EVERYONE has control issues, some more than others.
People who take it to one extreme usually become abusive. People who take it to the other extreme often are the abused. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle, to varying degrees.
I understand where you're coming from on so many of those issues. It sounds sort of like a combination of control and trust issues. If you were so inclined, a therapist may help, but I also think just practicing easing up, one day at a time, may do the trick

Good luck

.

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I think you're right about the trust issues...because I don't criticize other people's way of life. It's just that...once you've done something that I perceive as being threatening, it's going to take you forever and a day to where I['ll trust you again. Like the example about about how if you shoplift or steal things that aren't yours, I'm not going to trust you alone with my things. There are things in my life that I prefer having exclusive control over (my home, my cats, my GPA are those things) but I never boss people in a group around...I kind of just defend the above 3 things with everything I've got.

I just really need to stop thinking that the apocalypse, so to speak, is coming where the things I keep closest to my heart are concerned. I worry a lot, then I get controlling. Abusing and disrespecting other people are not my issues. Letting go when others offer to help me is.

Thanks all, you are such wonderful people. I knew I could discuss this with you guys without having the bias of my friends and family here.

I appreciate all of your advice.

P.S. Lola is so deeply asleep that she's snoring a little bit in my lap. So precious, this little kitty "snore"

There is nothing wrong with being concerned about anyone but you caring for your kits as well as you do, and certainly nothing wrong with being paranoid about someone driving your car. If you are anything like me, I just can't get along without mine, and would be in a panic if anything happened to it. It's not much, but it is the only one I have, and cannot afford to replace it.
There are few things that irritate me worst than someone being so inconsiderate as to not show up at an agreed upon time.
If you have to trust some of those people you are criticizing for bad habits or irresponsbility, you are not wrong to worry. Otherwise maybe you could lighten up a bit. It might reduce your stress level if you just don't worry about stuff you don't have to.
Concerning group projects, if it is just a matter of wanting to get them done properly, on time, and not at the last possible moment, I don't blame you. I hated working on group projects, too. My partners usually left it to me to either do by myself or with them at the last minute, half assed. I don't think it is controling to want things done right in a timely manner.
As far as the neat freak thing goes, I would drive you nuts! I used to be a neat freak, but it was either get over it or be single.
Maybe you are a little controlling, but if it your house, your stuff, your kits, you can be however you want to be. Outside your own environment, tempering it a bit might benefit you in relating to others. I hope none of this sounds mean, I certainly do not want it too. I hope things work out for you.

Having some control issues myself know where you are coming from. In fact today 3 of my co-workers walked in the office at 8:00 and 8:01. Then they had to get coffee, chit chat. Didn't even have there computers up and running. I need some numbers from one of them as I email some reports in the am to the office. Well at 8:41 I was "given" then numbers. I had already looked them up myself and emailed the report out. This is something that I need daily!!! Drives me nuts.
But I've tried modifying my behavior say with housework for example.
What you need to ask yourself is do I need this now; If something is done correctly but not "my" way why change it!!
Take baby steps....

"If you want it done RIGHT, you have to do it yourself!"



I'm a bit of a control freak, but like you, it's just because I'm worried. I know what I can do and am capable of. I don't know that about others. Even if I know someone really, really well, it would be hard for me to trust them with anything important, such as taking care of Cupid.

I think it makes life more stressful than it needs to be, and worry is such a misuse of imagination anyway. It's draining. I'm learning to let other people do things, and more importantly--not think they're completely incompetent if they don't do it "right."

I think it stems from being disappointed so much. My parents raised me to always think of others and never break promises. Unfortunately, others weren't raised like that. If someone is late, it makes me angry because I feel let down. I would never be late unless it was unavoidable. After enough "disappointments" (no matter how small), you start to feel like maybe no one else can do anything right!

You start thinking subconsciously, "this person will just be late again. I'll go pick HER up instead." Then you start getting to where you want to 'control' everything so you're never disappointed.

Originally Posted by Purr

"If you want it done RIGHT, you have to do it yourself!"

I'm a bit of a control freak, but like you, it's just because I'm worried. I know what I can do and am capable of. I don't know that about others. Even if I know someone really, really well, it would be hard for me to trust them with anything important, such as taking care of Cupid.

I think it makes life more stressful than it needs to be, and worry is such a misuse of imagination anyway. It's draining. I'm learning to let other people do things, and more importantly--not think they're completely incompetent if they don't do it "right."

I think it stems from being disappointed so much. My parents raised me to always think of others and never break promises. Unfortunately, others weren't raised like that. If someone is late, it makes me angry because I feel let down. I would never be late unless it was unavoidable. After enough "disappointments" (no matter how small), you start to feel like maybe no one else can do anything right!

You start thinking subconsciously, "this person will just be late again. I'll go pick HER up instead." Then you start getting to where you want to 'control' everything so you're never disappointed.

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Exactly!!!!! I know EXACTLY how you feel, because I feel the same way! It really has nothing to do with needing to feel emotionally validated by other people because of our deep-seated insecurities...it just has to do with protecting ourselves from leaving things to chance and being disappointed.

Which is still not the greatest thing in the world, but I like to think that I have a good amount of self-confidence and faith in myself...otherwise I wouldn't trust MYSELF to do things!

A good way to approach this when you feel the inability to let go, I think, is to ask yourself a few questions.

1. What is the worst possible outcome of me accepting help/letting go?
2. Realistically, how likely is that outcome? (It IS likely that a shoplifter will steal your stuff. It is NOT likely that a friend with a good driving record will wreck your car. Also, honestly, it is probably not likely that a decent person, with sufficient instruction, would allow anything bad to happen to your cats. These are just examples. )
3. Even if the worst happens, will it truly matter in a month? Five years? On my deathbed?
4. What am I potentially losing by refusing to let go?