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Am I being wrong by doing this

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
Okay so my sister had a baby May 17th this year. And can I just say I am not good with babies at all. I actually really don't like babies and I never even want one. So my mom asked me to pick up the baby and hand it to her and I said "no mom I don't want to pick up the baby, I'm not comfortable holding her." And she rolled her eyes and was like "What if there's an emergency and you're here by yourself with the baby?" First of all..I better NEVER be alone with that kid!!! Because if that baby starts fussing I will not know what to even do!!! Second of all..if I am alone with her..WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO DO WHEN THERE'S AN EMERGENCY!!!! I'm not that freaking stupid!!!!! I get so sick of her telling me this crap all because I don't want to deal with the baby!! I'm sorry but I am not the type of person who has the ability to be a mom!! My life is my cat..not a baby. So is it wrong of me to not want anything to do with that baby?
post #2 of 16
Well, the baby is part of your family and it would be nice for both you & the child if you can have a good relationship. That said, if you're not comfortable around this baby, you're not, just like I'm not comfortable around deep water. And there may be underlying reasons why you don't want to hold the child, such as maybe your sis & mom are ultra-protective, hyper-critical with the baby. And the baby is still very young. My younger brother wanted nothing to do with my daughters during infanthood. During the toddler stage, he'd only approach during naptimes, only to say, "Oh,no! just think - she's recharging all that energy!!". BUT when they got to be about 10yrs., suddenly they were people, and they adore their Uncle E - he showed them nighttime sky wonders; how to play baseball & fish; took them hiking...
IMO, do what you feel comfortable with. If your sis needs help, offer to do dishes, laundry, etc. so she can play with her baby. When the child is older, you can teach it to love & properly care for kitties ! Susan
post #3 of 16
No, you are not. I never wanted anything to do with babies either (still don't) I didn't like them, I DON'T like them, and forcing you to be around the baby is NOT going to make you suddenly "like" babies! Trust me on this. It sounds like they may think they have a built in baby-sitter, and you will just have to disillusion them that this is not the case.

They do, however, turn into people around the age of 14 or 15 .
post #4 of 16
Rosehawke, you crack me up! *grin* But you are right.

I do not possess the gene that allows me to feel at all comfortable with human babies. Now gimme a kitten and I am all sunshine and lollipops, but humans ... nope, you got the wrong girl. Find another babysitter and please, have the common decency to pay them what they are worth.

Make your feelings known to your Mom when the mother of said child is not around ... you don't want her to feel that you have hard feelings for her or her baby, but you do need to make it clear that you will NOT be babysitting or in any other way, caring for this child.

Best of luck,

post #5 of 16
I don't think it's wrong at all to be put-off by're certainly not the only one! I work full time as a nanny, and there are several people that wonder aloud to me how I could ever even sentence myself to such a fate! However, I don't think you're ever going to be able to "not have anything to do with" you neice/nephew.

As long as your family understands that you don't want to hold, play with or care for the baby or ever be responsible for it, but you can at least accept the baby's place in your family, you're all good
post #6 of 16
I'm going to slightly disagree here.

I am like you, never wanted to have children, never did, and don't like babies, or even kids, all that much. But I think there is more going on in this situation.

It sounds like your mother is trying to "trick" you into liking babies. And you are (appropriately enough) resisting. She won't want to believe that you are serious, and thinks that if you just pick up the baby, you will change your mind. And you are refusing on principle.

It's too bad that the baby is the intermediary in this particular situation.

I think that you can afford to pick up a baby, if you are asked, without betraying your standard. And really, that is a human being, and part of your family, and you can do long term damage to the family relationship by not having a relationship with him. (her?). And your mother should learn to respect your position, and believe that at your age, you really can know for sure that you don't want to have babies.

Just don't let this turn into an emotional tug of war which puts you on the losing end. The problem is, now that is has been an issue, if you even touch that baby, now your mother will say "see, it's not so bad, is it".

I just think that having such an extreme averse reaction to the baby shows that there is something else going on.
post #7 of 16
I don't think you're in the wrong at all, I'm not comfortable around babies either. I'm not a natural mother, I don't coo over babies and I'm frankly terrified if someone hands me one as I may drop it. I get no joy from holding a baby, so why on earth would I want to!

I have two friends with three year old daughters and I'm sorry to say I'm still not comfortable around them. I don't know what to say to the child, and I'm not interested in hearing about the contents of this mornings nappy. When the child gets to 12 or so then I can see it being different, but in the meantime I have no desire to act on any inner child and play lego or take them to a playground whilst having to listen to screeching, screaming and tantrums.

I didn't want children at your age and I don't intend having children in the future, not all people change their minds when they get older and forcing you into an unnatural relationship with this baby is not helping anyone.
post #8 of 16
well i love babies! i would love to have a sibling so i could be an aunty one day.
I can understand why you may not want to hold the baby, but its true.. what if there was an emergency such as a fire, would you just leave the baby there because you hated it? (okay that was a bit extreme but an example)
immagine when youre 40, the baby will be in its 20's and you may even like her!
post #9 of 16
Originally Posted by Lil_Axl_Gurl
So is it wrong of me to not want anything to do with that baby?
Wrong? No, but it is a little sad. Remember, that wailing ball of continuous need (even people who ADORE babies have to admit that that's pretty much what they are at this stage) will soon turn into an actual person with whom you will have some sort of relationship, like it or not. This is not just some random baby you are talking about, it's family.

Also, it IS possible to like--even love--a particular baby without ever wanting to have any of your own. I wonder if maybe you are expressing yourself so vehemently because you don't think your mom can accept that you don't want children, so you have to impress on her strongly that you don't even want to hold someone else's baby.

As far as being comfortable with a baby--it's not inborn; it takes practice. Yes, some of it is instinctual, but a lot of it is learned. New parents don't automatically know, for instance, that a certain cry means the baby is wet. They learn it after hours of sleepless torment trying to comfort that baby.

I think you should ask yourself why you are so uncomfortable with the idea of being around the baby. Is it because you don't want one yourself? Is it because you are afraid you will hurt her? Is it because they are a continuous vacuum of need with no immediate payback? Whatever the reason, it can only do you good to try to figure it out.
post #10 of 16
Aw hun, you're not wrong. If you're not comfortable, you're not comfortable. I'm not comfortable with kids, despite the fact that I'm a mum. As it's been said often enough here, it's all trial and error as a parent - you don't exactly get a user's manual when they're born!

But yes, this baby is family.... so perhaps it would be nicer to make an effort - it'll take time - but in the end this child is going to grow up and will be a whole thinking person of their own. And let's face it, babies are a little boring really Bonds aren't immediate - your mother has the advantage of having had kids, obviously, so this is years of not only instinct, but practise as well. My little bro was a bit wary at first when I had Alex... but to look at them now - they're just besotted with eachother. That took some practise.... but I'm telling you I've been more than glad for it
post #11 of 16
Thread Starter 
I have held her before..

This photo was taken a couple of days after she was brought home. She's not that quiet anymore and as you can see I am sitting down while holding her..meaning..she was handed to me I didn't pick her up myself.

The reason why I'm uncomfortable is because I am afraid she will slip out of my arms because she is such a wiggly worm she doesn't like to sit still. And during this time when mom had asked me to pick her up..she wasn't sleeping she was kickin and sqawking!!

I have held babies before and I still don't feel comfortable with it. Like when my cousin had little mackenzie (I don't even know if i spelt that name right) She had asked me if I wanted to hold her and I said "No thanks." And she was like "Aww come on!" Then she ended up forcing the baby over to me and I'm just like "uuh..okay then.." Held the baby for a lil then handed her back over.

That's another thing..I don't like holding babies when they drool..I get totally grossed out by it. There was even a time when my sister was holding Jaelynn (my sister's baby) and I had looked over at just the RIGHT time to see Jaelynn spit up all over the place!! I started gagging thinking I was going to spit up too after seeing that!!

So yeah I have held her before..and I'm still not impressed.

As for the emergency..because I do love her..because she is family..I would pick her up and run outside with her. I would then run over to my neighbors whom we are very close with and stay there and hand her to her..(because she runs a daycare so she's experienced).
post #12 of 16
I'm not comfortable with babies either.
I getting close to 40 years old, and I have no kids, BUT, my nieces and nephews mean the world to me.
The one thing that always struck me though was instinct.
My brothers and sister never treated me like a builtin babysitter, but had called on me when there was no other choice.
The mothering instinct is there, despite the discomfort.

Yes, your family is very wrong to try and force you to interact with the baby, that kind of thing will only lead to resentment later on, either by you, or the child.
post #13 of 16
Originally Posted by Lil_Axl_Gurl
The reason why I'm uncomfortable is because I am afraid she will slip out of my arms because she is such a wiggly worm she doesn't like to sit still. And during this time when mom had asked me to pick her up..she wasn't sleeping she was kickin and sqawking!!
Ah, well, that's understandable. The little guys are tougher than they look, though--really. I can't tell you the number of times I was dropped as a child. As for the drool/spitup/etc., luckily, that will decrease with frequency over the next several years so that by age 18 or so they are hardly drooling at all.

If you're not comfortable holding her, then you can always just let her hold your finger, talk to her, etc. The main thing is to keep some kind of connection going until she gets to an age where it begins to seem more natural. Not only is it good for the kid, the rewards of being an aunt are numerous. You get to share your interests with someone, it's no big deal if you let her stay up late/eat a bit more sugar than usual/watch too much TV, you can send her back home, and you will always be way cooler than her own mom.
post #14 of 16
I'm 48 and not comfortable holding babies-these are now my grand neices and nephews!! But if they are on a blanket on the floor I don't mind holding them. Plus once they get like 6 mo old or older its not as bad as when they were newborns.
I agree they interaction with your neice is important.
post #15 of 16
I'm almost 46 and never had human kids. My brothers both have kids and I have only held their babies once in awhle. I feel uncomfortable when they are still babies, but as they get a little older, I'm fine with them. One is still a baby, one's a toddler, and 2 are teenagers now. They are each precious individuals and I love them all. Feeling uncomfortable with babies isn't that big of a deal. They'll grow out of it!
post #16 of 16
There's nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with holding babies!
It actually shows that you are mature enough to realize how delicate they are and what a responsibility it is to be their caretaker.
I myself, have had LOTS of experience around babies, all of my cousins are 10 plus years older than me, and all have kids, so I've been around babies for the past ten years or so. I also have babysat, and worked at day-camps--I love kids, and hope to have my own someday.

BUT--When I babysit I don't babysit anyone under the age of 1--its just my rule. I don't mind diapers, I don't mind bottles, I just dont feel I have the knowledge necessary to deal with an infant on my own, especially if the infant was one of several children I was watching.

I see nothing wrong with you telling your mom "Look, you know I love my sister and her baby, I just am afraid that if I were to be watching her on my own I wouldn't know what to do. I'm only 17 and don't know how to care for a baby".
At this point she'll either say "fine" and drop the subject or she'll try to convince you that it's "not that big a deal". If she does the latter, just tell her, point blank, that no matter what she tries to convince you of your feelings are not going to change, and that you just don't feel comfortable watching/holding the baby alone.

If I had a 17 year old daughter who wasn't interested in babies I think I'd be RELIEVED!!! But, don't worry, I'm sure she means well.

I myself have told my mother recently that my husband and I are going to be waiting at least 8 to 10 years before having kids because of our careers, and she's always like "gosh, you'll be like 32 when you start having kids" and I say to her "Um, mom, you were 31 when you started having kids" and she says "I know but I don't know if I can wait 8 years for grandkids!" LOL
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