The ring is off (very long)

ugaimes · Aug 14, 2005

Oh Fran

I'm getting in on this so late in the game, there is little I can say that hasn't already been said. Definitely check out the information that Susan (catsknowme) provided on NPD; that was my first thought as well as I read your original post.
Though he never abused you physically, he absolutely abused you emotionally: he told you what to wear (or not wear), cheated on you, played you like a yoyo.....in all honesty, it is a good thing that it is ending now because this has all the makings of something that could become physical one day down the line.
Emotional abuse, though it leaves no physical marks, leaves bruises on the heart that are just as bad as those left by physical abuse. It will take time, but you will get past this, I promise (coming from someone else who was engaged to an emotionally abusive man).
Why did you go through these past two years? No one really knows for sure. But I ABSOLUTELY believe that it will make you wiser and stronger in the end. Maybe you can use this experience to help other women who are going through similar things.
It's already been said, but staying friends with Ben will not help you in any way and, honestly, right now your life should be 110% about YOU. Do what makes YOU happy. Wear lipstick and eyeliner and all the clothes that Bed didn't "approve of" (

). Eat lots of ice cream. Dote on Teufel. Take long baths. Cry buckets. In time, it will all be so much better. I personally guarantee it.
Honey, please pm me if you ever want to talk. No one should ever have to go through this but it especially breaks my heart when that person is you.

roxy_loves_cj · Aug 14, 2005

As usual I agree with every thing Amy said. You have been in a bad place for a long time, and like it is with long relationships, its hard to remember how you were before them because everything has been we for so long. It is hard to turn that w upside down and make it me but that is what you are going to have to do right now.
I think that if you are not working that yes you need to find a job to support yourself, but not right now, you are not in the state of mind to deal with job interviews. Instead go spend your time where you are needed. Volunteer at animal shelters, or old folks homes, or a childrens home, someplace that makes you feel that you have a purpose, something that you feel makes it worth getting up in the morning. This will help you from being isolated and get you out of the house. You may only need to do this for a week, you may need to do this for a month. If you do not feel you are ready for that, go to meetings for people dealing with abuse (like abuse anon. or something of the sort) They will offer support and can give you in person hugs. That might be the best place to talk things out, with people who have been there or are there now. The important thing is you will start to feel stronger as time goes on doing these things. I also think you need to get your ring back from him dont give him back his, and pawn them. use the money if it is enough as a deposit on a new place, or if it isnt, use it as a spa day for yourself. Get your hair cut, get a massage, a steam bath, facial, whatever you want. cleanse yourself, and you will feel much better when you are done.

And to mirror what someone else said, you need to get tested for stds. If he has ever cheated on you, which you said he has, then there is a chance he could have given you something. Right now the important person is YOU!!!! You are going to hurt for a while, it is just the fact. An image that helped me during my last breakup is to think of yourself as a catepiller. Right now things arent so pretty, and now you have to go into your cacoon for a while, but when you come out, you will be something much prettier and better than anything you were with him. Best of luck, and I will send you my phone # in a pm if you want to talk......

Best of luck sweetie,
emily

AbbysMom · Aug 14, 2005

Fran -

I am sending lots of hugs your way. Everyone has given you excellent advice. You really do need to get out of their ASAP. Do not let him talk you into staying with him. This will just happen again - cut your losses NOW. You can do this. Be strong and stand on your own two feet. Try to meet some other people and make some new friends. Good Luck - sending lots of good vibes your way!

- Karen

wellingtoncats · Aug 14, 2005

fwan, come on - don't let him walk all over you hun. Can you go back to your Dads?

beckiboo · Aug 14, 2005

Can you get to an agency to help you find a job? Maybe you could be a live in nanny, then you don't make as much, but you have a place to live. Or maybe there is a woman's shelter for abused women. They could provide shelter until you get on your feet.

Hugs to you Fran, and little Teufel! Remember, when you hit rock bottom, you land on solid ground.

joanne511 · Aug 14, 2005

fwan, I've been in your shoes before. From the ages of 18-23 I was involved with someone I was supposed to marry, someone who manipulated me and emotionally abused me. He cheated on me with several people and left me for someone he met through work. Three months later it fizzled and he tried to come back to me. I was so beaten down - no self-esteem - that I actually considered it and tried ot make it work. It was horrible. We tried to be "friends" and that was even worse. I moved several thousand miles away from him to get a fresh start...but I stayed in touch with him and was STILL miserable. When I finally severed the ties and put that part of my life behind me I was able to get back to being ME. I started to be happy again; started to rebuild my self-esteem and made new friends. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. I'm now married and when I look back at the years I invested in the relationship with my ex I wish I would have cut it off sooner. Please, I know it's painful, but the sooner you cut him loose the better. Do whatever you can to get out and distance yourself from him. I thought I could never live without my ex, but the fact is he was poisonous to me and I'm now happier than I ever could have been with him in my life. Obviously you are in pain and feeling a lot of loss. Do allow yourself to grieve these things, but do not let yourself get sucked back into this drama and pain. You do not need it and you deserve much better! Many hugs and good thoughts to you.

rosiemac · Aug 14, 2005

Originally Posted by fwan

today he has been getting the guilt trip, because my eyes are so puffy from crying, so now he is taking me out to the cinemas tonight.
I suppose we have to enjoy the little time we have left right?

Don't fall for that one Fran whatever you do!.

He knew what he was doing with this girl and to me he's playing with your mind now!

joanne511 · Aug 14, 2005

Originally Posted by rosiemac

Don't fall for that one Fran whatever you do!.

He knew what he was doing with this girl and to me he's playing with your mind now!

She's right Fran, don't go for this! He is messing with your mind! My ex did the same to me.

The more I think about it, I'm glad your name isn't on the apartment lease. It means you aren't tied to the place and can leave ASAP. Are there rooms for rent in your area? That would be cheaper than trying to find a whole apartment on your own. If you have a university or something similar in your area, go look at the postings and see if you can find anyone looking for a roommate. I know there are sites online for things like that in the US, so my guess is there is for your area too.

lionessrampant · Aug 14, 2005

Aww Fran, I'm so sorry!!!!!!!!! Here are 10000000000000000000000000000000 hugs:

You DO NOT deserve someone who would do this to you

I agree with everyone else...don't let him walk all over you and focus on you! It was in the midst of a bad situation with someone I was once very close to that I started my work rescuing kitties...and look where I am now!

Get out there, girl! You know you can always count on us at TCS for support

sylorna · Aug 14, 2005

Oh hun,
I'm soo sorry. I wish we could just hold you till the pain goes away. Please feel free to add me to your MSN if you just want to talk about it, or to her me talk about nothing to get your mind off of things. I'm here if you need me. ([email protected]). We're all here if you need us.

fwan · Aug 14, 2005

well, we went to the cinemas and we watched mr and mrs smith, we didnt hug or anything so it actually felt like i was going with a friend
his mother bit*ched him up today.
She was telling me because he was so drunk this morning this is why he talked rubbishe and i told her "when people are so drunk they dont know what they are doing anymore so they just end up telling the truth" because she kept on calling him and he doesnt even remember what he said to her (he said bad things to her). apparently he doesnt even remember telling me half of the things he said this morning
she wants us to make peace, she doesnt believe he has cheated on me with the other girls but i told her that i cant handle it
Ben and i worked out our finances, he is going to pay me back and pay off the credit and my visa.
with our company i have a contract that states i get 50% we will divide our bills each month so i get my own salary.
Tomorrow im going clothes shopping and to the hairdressers so maybe i will be able to get a picture for you on my new look.
He even appologised and said sorry his mother got it into his head about how can he love someone he hasnt even met?. i told him he should have kept his mouth shut and gone to sleep instead of making my head hurt.

I wore different clothes and even wore make up, he had his mouth open because he hadnt seen me like this in a long while.

I dont know what he finds entertaining, we had a big talk, and i was telling his mother I Just do not understand how he enjoys making women fall in love with him on the internet and then send them away when he is bored! she doesnt understand either, but he explained that with the internet there is only one click and they are gone. And in reality you cannot do that.

I'm not confused, I am hurt what he said to me this morning.. we both made it clear what we wanted so thats it.

rosiemac · Aug 14, 2005

So not only is he playing with your head, but he's doing it to those online as well!.

He's done you a favour Fran, believe me!.

katachtig · Aug 14, 2005

Fran,

Please keep you mind straight and get moving forward in your life. There are so many warning signs here that he is not good for you.

Originally Posted by fwan

She was telling me because he was so drunk this morning this is why he talked rubbishe and i told her "when people are so drunk they dont know what they are doing anymore so they just end up telling the truth" because she kept on calling him and he doesnt even remember what he said to her (he said bad things to her). apparently he doesnt even remember telling me half of the things he said this morning

Definitely a sign of a drinking problem.

Originally Posted by fwan

Tomorrow im going clothes shopping and to the hairdressers so maybe i will be able to get a picture for you on my new look.

Good for you and I'm excited to see a new confident Fran.

Originally Posted by fwan

He even appologised and said sorry his mother got it into his head about how can he love someone he hasnt even met?. i told him he should have kept his mouth shut and gone to sleep instead of making my head hurt.

Apologies can be a dime a dozen. You know the truth and remembering it will set you free.

Originally Posted by fwan

I dont know what he finds entertaining, we had a big talk, and i was telling his mother I Just do not understand how he enjoys making women fall in love with him on the internet and then send them away when he is bored! she doesnt understand either, but he explained that with the internet there is only one click and they are gone. And in reality you cannot do that.

You are so right here and he has little respect for anyone.

Keep moving forward. We are here to support you.

Jana

yosemite · Aug 14, 2005

Fwan sweetie. Sorry to hear of your troubles but you sound as though you know what to do.

My first husband TOLD me what to wear, how to wear my hair, not to wear makeup, even what friends I was allowed to have. After 4 years I finally got some spine and we split up.

He was a control freak and I realized as I matured that it was all to do with his past and his upbringing by a sadly psycho mother.

I don't regret the years I spent with him - he was good to me in many ways and taught me a lot that I am thankful for today. He in his own way help shaped who I am today. He was a good person - just not good for me.

I personally would never stay with a man who cheated on me, but that's who I am.

I'm hoping and sending prayers that you will find your solution to your problem and get yourself sorted out and start anew with someone who appreciates the fine person you are. Don't settle for second-best - wait for the best. I waited 8 years after my first husband before I met my current husband and we've been married almost 28 years. It hasn't all been roses but it's never been bad. He's a good person, he loves me (though I sometimes wonder why) and I love him to bits. We have a wonderful daughter and are as happy as any long-married couple could be. I had begun to think I would never find anyone and then he sort of fell in my lap.

He was well worth the wait and you'll find the right man for you too. I was 30 yrs old when I met my husband so it's never too late. I know couples that have met when they were even older and were glad they waited for that right one.

Hugs and good wishes to you.

krazy kat2 · Aug 14, 2005

"In Vino Veritas" in wine is truth. If he was drunk, more the reason to accept what he said. Good for you for dressing nicely and doing something to make yourself feel good. Sometimes a new look can give you a fresh perspective. Please post a pic of your new look. We would love to see you all dolled up and fabulous!

pandybear · Aug 14, 2005

awwww fwan

i am so sorry you have to go through this, having relationship problems is bad enough when you have family and friends around, you might not have that but you do have everyone here at TCS

i was with a man once who i loved completely, he was lovely at first but then he started to change, he would say 'don't call me, when i want to talk or see you i'll call you' and he would never take me anywhere except to his parents or for a drive to get something to eat.

i knew he wasn't treating me very well, i was sure that if he loved me he would want me to call him and would want to see me all the time but i was so in love with him that i let him get away with it.

he was controlling too but for me that wasn't the problem, the problem was that he wasn't giving as much as i was in the relationship, i felt i was trying yet he seemed to treat me like something he could talk to or see whenever HE wanted and i had to take it or he might leave.

eventually he did leave me and i have never felt such pain before, i really did feel as if my heart was broken, i couldn't eat or sleep, i couldn't stop thinking about him and i must have cried for at least two weeks....it was very hard but i did get through it and now i have an amazing husband who really does love me

he has tried to get back into my life since, says he made a huge mistake and would love to come home to me after work cooking a lovely dinner and bringing him a drink because that's what he wants but i have nothing left for him anymore and haven't since he broke my heart five years ago, plus, i have the most amazing man who i love with everything i have.

i never thought i'd get over Antonio but i did and i found someone who really loves me, it will happen for you, it's hard to believe when you have been hurt so badly i know but please stay strong...he is not worth it.

you are a lovely, friendly girl and you deserve so much better

He told me that every man cheats, and that every woman cheats and i told him, that its not so. If you truly love someone and keep your relationship satisfied then why would you get bored?

not every man cheats and certainly not every woman either, if a man says that to you, the only thing he's trying to do is make you accept the fact that he cheats.

if two people truly love one another then they don't cheat, i would never cheat on my husband and i know he would never cheat on me, this guy sounds like a jerk and i truly hope you find someone who deserves you because this guy certainly doesn't.

you will be in my thoughts and prayers, goodluck and stay strong okay

felicia

bogeyandbetty · Aug 14, 2005

We don't know each other but I wanted to tell you that you are an inspiration for other young women to stay strong and get out of bad situations.

mybabies · Aug 14, 2005

Originally Posted by fwan

I can't call anyone because my voice is choking on tears,
I have no friend to run away to because i never made any around here,
Who am i supposed to turn to appart from TCS?
I dont expect anyone to reply.. or condolences.. i have to write it down somewhere and let people read it before i make my self go crazy. ------------------But i dont know whether i can handle this.

Sorry this is long and i cant spell nor make my sentences flow.

But i hope someone understands what i mean.

Fwan you CAN do this! You have MANY friends here and we ALL are with you 110%! I myself have gone though this and I know how it hurts. I had to watch my ex talk himself into loving another woman shortly after we seperated. I hurt plenty and for awhile I tried to get back with him. I am NOW glad I did not!

You ARE better off without this man. He is a controll freak and is the type to keep you "barefoot and pregnant" so to speak. If he keeps you looking your worst he KNOWS no other man will want you so that leaves him free to play around and STILL have you!

Not only is he hurting you emotionally BUT think of the diseases he can pick up if he sleeps around.

Time WILL heal your heart and you WILL find your PRINCE CHARMING! You are sweet and good and kind and beautiful!

Do NOT go back to him. If you cannot afford or find counsling in Person find it online or on the telephone! Hang In there and know we are all here for you and just an email away!

Be PROUD of yourself for breaking it off! You are STRONG and you WILL come out a winner and end up happy! I send you my Prayers and good thoughts! OH and my Kidties say to send you ALL our love! They were unwanted at one time and NOW they are so very much wanted and loved and SO WILL YOU BE! Hang tough and KNOW you ARE a winner!

wellingtoncats · Aug 14, 2005

fwan, I couldn't find an answer to my reply - can you go live with your Dad?

i'm worried you're not going to leave him and you guys will make up. The family sounds whacked, especially his Mum.

cheeseface · Aug 14, 2005

Originally Posted by rosiemac

He's never seen her yet!!!, is he mad?!

Looks aren't everything ya' know!

Fwan, I'm sorry that you're hurt, but I'm glad that you're beginning to realize that you can do better. In all your posts about your relationship, I think there were enough signs to indicate something may have been wrong and I think most of us are relieved that you're ending it. Us available men will have one more awesome catch in the sea once you're really over it. I don't think you'll stay single long sweetiepie!

The ring is off (very long)

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