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The ring is off (very long)

post #1 of 78
Thread Starter 
I can't call anyone because my voice is choking on tears,
I have no friend to run away to because i never made any around here,
Who am i supposed to turn to appart from TCS?
I dont expect anyone to reply.. or condolences.. i have to write it down somewhere and let people read it before i make my self go crazy.

Two years ago, i started chatting to a boy, i thought he was all cute and decided to meet him, things took off from there but i wasnt expecting what he really was.

The first six months were the worst, he had kept on seeing his "ex" but in fact he was only cheating on her with me.
They finally broke off and i thought he would grow up. He had met other girls but constantly lied to me.
The first year of our relationship he had cheated on me with 7 other women all one night stands. (i did not know the others)
We still had our good times, but..
I dont know why i kept on forgiving him each time he has hurt me, but that is not to happen anymore.
He has done many good things, such as teaching me about life, and helping me move out of a bad situation at home, and making me snap out of a dream world.
Two years ago he asked me to stop wearing eyeliner, and lipgloss because it annoyed him.. so i did.. he also asked me to stop wearing certain clothes because they were revealing.. i didnt mind because i was changing clothes tastes anyway.
He has never hurt me physically, but mentally i am now a wreck.
If i didnt do what he said he would make me feel bad for those few minutes
He would go onto my msn account and send a mass message saying rude words.. i guess this is why half of my list doesnt even come online anymore.
He has put me so far down that I'm even considering to move away far away to build my self up again. But i know i cant do it alone.

I wish my mother would regain her self and quit being an alcoholic so she could be there for me.

The point is, that i feel like ive wasted half of these two years.
I scream at him why did he stay with me for so long. Why all this that i didnt deserve?
The reason for this breakup is because he has found someone else online.
He has known her for 3 weeks, she is asking him to get rid of me.. but he promises he would never do that. He is angry that she said this.
He wants to take care of me, get me a job and be stable financially.
He said that i am a very special person and that he likes me alot, but there was never that "love spark" But now he has found it with a bulgarian woman.

I told him its okay he can have her. I will be able to get back up my self with out his help.
she lives in bulgaria, and she wants to start a new life with ben in another country not in germany or bulgaria.. somewhere like australia but that is my home.
He isnt sure whether he should take the chance to meet her or stay with me.
He knows he will lose something very important but i told him i dont need to stay with someone who doesnt love me. And i will not tolerate to be cheated on again.
I feel like i am shattered into a million pieces and its going to be hard to fix again.
He told me that every man cheats, and that every woman cheats and i told him, that its not so. If you truly love someone and keep your relationship satisfied then why would you get bored?

I knew when i put the rings on in sicily it would never last. I just didnt expect it so soon.
It has been an hour that we arent wearing the ring, i feel really weird. But i know its going to be done.
I have no idea what im going to do now. He wants to live with me untill we both get our heads clear. He doesnt want to lose our friendship.

But i dont know whether i can handle this.

Sorry this is long and i cant spell nor make my sentences flow.

But i hope someone understands what i mean.
post #2 of 78
I am far from your closest TCS buddy, but I really do care about you. I am sad that you are hurting so. I do believe you will make it through this, you will sort out what you need, and you will start towards the future you want. You are a remarkably strong "younger than me" lady. I have confidence in you.
post #3 of 78
What Pat said.

AW, Sweetie! What a bummer!

You've had lots of ups and downs, and it sounds as if he is not the person you need to be trying to build a life with, but that even so he does care about you. Perhaps, you will be able to retain a friendship eventually -- if you want to. For now, though, it's a good thing you are making these discoveries, difficult as they may be, before you get into a permanent relationship.

You're hurting something awful right now. Keep talking about what has happened, what is happening, about your time with Ben, about the good stuff and the bad stuff. You need to get your thoughts sorted out, and that will help. Talk to us, sweetie! We're here for you.

post #4 of 78
Fran, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this ordeal. I hope that others here will be able to provide you with some great advice. Unfortunately, I can't really provide you with much, other than that you leave him and NEVER go back. He cheated on his ex with you, he cheated on you, and would continue to cheat. I can just be here to listen, and hope you know you have a LOT of friends here who care.

Be well,
post #5 of 78
I am so sorry that you are going through this hard time. I wish that I could make you a cup of hot tea (preferably chamomile) or sip on Bailey's & cream, and cry the night away together with you! Right now, you're in crisis mode, so maybe tonight isn't the night to consider this, but here's a site about Narcisstic Personality Disorder, that your ex might be: http://www.operationdoubles.com/narc/index.htm My dad & my hubby seem both to be NPD; the more research I do, the more that I realize that I'm actually a good person and let the "bad stuff" roll off. If you feel that you can't "handle this", don't - if you can find a private place, just let it all out. I think that what you're doing - writing to TCS - is one of the best things that you can do! As I said, you're in the crisis phase, what with wondering about living arrangements, lack of family resources, etc.; no wonder you're feeling freaked out! Smokey Robinson once sang a song with the words, " Love don't give a reason. Love don't give a guarantee. It may last for a season...or it may last eternally" and I love that sentiment. I also like to listen to Information Society(yeah, I know, 80's music), when I'm breaking up; I esp. like the words from the song,Walking Away, that go : "I surely would have closed my eyes if I had known the real you! And I'm walking away, walking away from things in my own past. And I'm walking away, walking away from things that just won't last....And if some day I need to see you, I'll look back on the past.". They also have a very strengthening song, "Attitude"; I esp. like the lyrics, "There's goes Mary - she grew up with nothing but hunger & thirst. All the backstage ladies told her, 'You'll only go from bad to worse!' but she just keeps on believing, she tells them she's doing fine. They get rich, but she gets smarter, she's feeling stronger all the time, cuz she's got attitude, and that will get her through!"
I'd love to hear some song lyrics that you like, if you're up to sharing with me. I have to stay up awhile cuz my cat JC didn't come inside after our walk, and refuses to come when called.. Hugs, Susan
post #6 of 78
Fwan, I am so sorry for what's happened. Things suck right now, but they will get better. It sounds like you deserve better than him, anyway.

He wants to live with me untill we both get our heads clear. He doesnt want to lose our friendship.
Tell him to move out. Now. Pack up his stuff and throw it out on the street if you have to. He keep his cake and eat it, too.
Besides, you will probably be able to get your head clear a bit better without him around.

If you need anything, don't hesitate to post an SOS! We'll all be right here with hugs and positive energy for you.
post #7 of 78
I know we don't know eachother Fwan..apart from TCS, but I want to let you know that I care about you just the same, and I wish I could do something to help ease your pain. There won't be any words I can say that will make all the hurt go away, but just know that I will be here to listen!

Hugs your way honey!
post #8 of 78
oh sweet Fwan, goddang it - sheesh. Wow. You, my dear, are a GREAT person with a lot of love in your heart. I have watched you grow and contribute in millions of ways since you first graced us with your fabulous presence here at TCS...and my admiration for you is great. I have no doubt that within a very short time you will outgrow this young man, regardless of how it hurts right now, and move forward into a better destiny. You, Fwan, are truly destined to be something quite special - a leader - I just know it. You are beautiful inside and out. Anybody who can grow petunias on that ledge of yours has got to have angel dust lurking around, I do believe that, I do. I will tell you and I want you to take this to heart, and that is you are above his lack of character. And you will prevail as there is something in you that will allow you to save your soul before you lose your sanity and that's what it will be. I feel sorry for him. His apple has truned brown inside and yours remains fresh. That is a gift he is not worthy of. Go lavish attention upon yourself and your wonderful brain and good looks and know that you have a HUGE fan in me and that I have unshakable faith that you will be in a better place.
Elizabeth and my S3
post #9 of 78
Sigh... honey, he's a loser. And, from the sounds of it, a user. You're definetely better off NOT being in a relationship with him. Let him know that being friends is impossible after what he did -- after all, that's just another avenue for him to use and abuse you. Go find someone new. Start hanging out at new places -- bookstores, etc. Eventually, you'll meet someone worth your time. Remember, the harder life is, the sweeter your rewards will be: trust me, I know it's true. Good luck hun!
post #10 of 78
E said it all Fran, and she said it so well-
post #11 of 78

Be strong. Dont let him live with you. You deserve better. And his line about all men and women cheat is BULL.
post #12 of 78
You are so much better than he is - you don't deserve this. He is a classic control freak who want to have his cake and eat it, with no moral sense whatever. My advice is don't compromise - do you really want to even be friends with someone who treats people (not only you but others in his life) like this? I would send him packing now - immediately, do not pass Go, do not collect £200, out, done. Otherwise he will feel that he has got away with something yet again. And the sooner he is gone the sooner you can start to grieve properly, then to heal, and that will take time. I am so sorry, but it is better that you should know the real person now than later. And you have not wasted time - this experience has taught you a lot about people and who to trust. There will be someone much better waiting to meet you soon.
post #13 of 78
I'm sorry this is happening to you sweetheart. You will be able to pull yourself together and face life wiser and stronger in time. I wish you the best and that it will be shorter and not longer before you are happy again.
post #14 of 78
Oh good grief Fran I'm so sorry!.

Look at it this way, you found out now rather that a few years time when you could have been married and more attached to him.

Don't let him stay in the apartment, because thats going to make it worse for you him being there having your nose rubbed in it. Tell him to leave and go stay with his new piece of fluff!.

Don't for one minute think that you can't survive without Ben because you can, and keep saying that to yourself!.

As for being friends, i've never been able to understand how that can happen?, because if there was any love there at all it would only make things worse everytime you saw him, IMO.

I left my husband of 18 years 6 years ago and he wanted to stay friends but i couldn't for the simple reason i felt it was giving him false hope that we may get back together if i did.

Have a good cry every now and then because it's only natural, and take comfort in Teufel, because when my boyfriend and i split, Rosie made coming home all worth while, i really think i would have cracked if i didn't have her

Oh and sell your ring and treat yourself!
post #15 of 78
Thread Starter 
Susan, i love your new siggy.

Secondly his new piece of fluff he hasnt even met because she lives in bulgaria.
So i dont think he would go there yet.
I will move out as soon as i have my own income because i cant afford it right now.
I will be sleeping on the couch from now on anyway.
i told him to take the chance
but there is no going back now
post #16 of 78
He's never seen her yet!!!, is he mad?!

Oh is the apartment in his name Fran?
post #17 of 78
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by rosiemac
He's never seen her yet!!!, is he mad?!

Oh is the apartment in his name Fran?
yes it is, i didnt sign the contract
post #18 of 78
So is there anyway you can have your name added to the contract now?.

He's killing time if you ask me. And when he said that he " likes you a lot! " would seriously give me doubts because thats not the word that i'd be wanting to hear.
post #19 of 78
fran- you deserve so much better than this loser.

he treats you like dirt and this other girl must have some bad karma coming to her to end up with him.

its his problem- they are all his problems, not yours.

find yourself somewhere to stay (easier said than done) then take a look at your relationship and breathe a sigh of relief that you didnt marry this idiot and be stuck with him and his crazy harpy of a mother forever.
post #20 of 78
Originally Posted by HeldDown
Sigh... honey, he's a loser. And, from the sounds of it, a user. You're definetely better off NOT being in a relationship with him. Let him know that being friends is impossible after what he did -- after all, that's just another avenue for him to use and abuse you. Go find someone new. Start hanging out at new places -- bookstores, etc. Eventually, you'll meet someone worth your time. Remember, the harder life is, the sweeter your rewards will be: trust me, I know it's true. Good luck hun!

Well said! Fwan Hon, most of us know what a broken heart feels like but from everything you described, it sounds like he did you a great favor.....move on and away from him. You'll be happy and smile again!!
post #21 of 78
Fwan, run from this loser as fast as you can.

You are worth more than to throw yourself away on a lump of sewage like that.

Best of luck, Girl, stand tall and don't let people walk on you.

post #22 of 78
Ohhhh Fran, I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. You're aboslutely right to leave him though, and like others said, the best thing to do is get him out of the house so that you can begin to heal on your own. You're so strong, that's apparent, and I know you'll bounce back better than ever. It'll take time, but I'm sure you know that. I know you'll hear this 8million times, but I'm going to say it anyway: you deserve SO much better. You're absolutely right to tell him that not everyone cheats. You deserve someone who won't cheat on you and won't want to meet other women. There's someone willing to do the right thing for you out there, you just haven't met him yet. So, take this time for yourself. Be alone and live your life without him or any other man, and when the time is right someone so much better will come along. If you need anything, you know I'll be here for you!!
post #23 of 78
Fran, I'm so sorry You sound like a great girl and I think he deserves a good kick up the bottom for what he has done to you! Be strong, and dont let him boss you around!!

Remember although it hurts right now, you will look back on this day as a good thing in the future - I guarantee it!!
post #24 of 78
Looks like his control powers worked; he tore down your self esteem enough to make you DOUBT YOURSELF. Guys like your soon-to-be-EX don't deserve wonderful ladies like YOU Fran!!!

I do feel badly for you but my first reaction is pure anger. Against HIM. When a man "makes" a woman change how she wears her make up or clothes, that is the sign of an insecure control-freak. I have been there before!!! And it is just awful!

Plus with him living there (sorry to hear the apartment is in HIS name... that makes things harder), you will continue to feel badly... about yourself. He's throwing this bulgarian chic in your face, his cheating, lies, everything.

I just thank the stars you didn't marry him, will NOT marry him. You are worth more than this guy will give you.

Don't hang around the apartment. Go out... get away. Only come back there to sleep. Avoid him until he is gone, until you are gone & living somewhere else. Ignore everything he says from this point forth. Someday you'll look back and thank yourself for being strong enough to end this relationship.

I know it might feel like "he ended it", but that's not the case. You're the strong one, he's the weakling loser. Chin up and be proud of yourself for ending it now.
post #25 of 78
Thread Starter 
Thank you everyone for your replies,
I know he didnt break it off i did. because i told him to take his ring off and that it was over and no way to go back.
today he has been getting the guilt trip, because my eyes are so puffy from crying, so now he is taking me out to the cinemas tonight.
I suppose we have to enjoy the little time we have left right?
post #26 of 78
I am so sorry this is hapening to you. Fom reading past posts about his mom and his nit-picky ways, I worried that it might come to something like this. I know it hurts right now, but better it happen now that you invest any more time with him, waste the best years of your life, and then have to pick up the pieces. I have been there, and there is no hurt like it. It is a big shock now, but in a few days you will start to get angry, as well you should, and believe it or not, you will get some clarity as to what to do next. The biggest point to remember is that you have done nothing wrong, and you have nothing to apologize for. Please don't disappear from TCS, we are all concerned about you and want to know what is happening.
post #27 of 78
Fran, now is the time to stand strong and start to walk your own path. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. Put your energies into finding out exactly what you can do to get your independence - your own place etc. where you and Teufel can start to build your lives.

We're all here for you.
post #28 of 78
Thread Starter 
Krazy kat, i couldnt and definetely wouldnt dissapear from TCS, if i cant get on i will call someone to let them know. So they can advise you all.
Ash_bct and i think susan have my number
If anybody else wants it they can PM me, I can also call for free all over the world since i got this flat rate.
post #29 of 78
You've gotten a lot of good advice here, so I'll just say that I'm so sorry your heart had to break like this. You deserve better.

Also, that thing about all men and women cheating? That's a rationalization on his part (AND something that shows he plans to cheat on every woman he's with for the rest of his life), and it's also a complete pile of crap. He is just flat wrong about that.
post #30 of 78

I have no doubt that within a very short time you will outgrow this young man, regardless of how it hurts right now, and move forward into a better destiny.
I couldn't have said it any better than Eddie. You are a very strong young woman with a level head on your shoulders. It's time to move forward with your life because he will continue to take advantage of you. I know it seems that you have wasted two years , but you are young with a whole lifetime in front of you . This is one of life's little hiccups that we all have to go through to make us stronger and wiser .

Mega hugs to you
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