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Starting again..

post #1 of 29
Thread Starter 
A little advice - may be from you women would be appreciated.
I am officially divorced and this was completed almost a month ago. I have been to the bottom of many bottles - looked at the amount of tablets and not taken them, I have been to and lived in hell for the last 6 months. I dearly loved my ex wife and our son and I am pleased to advise, I have a continued great relationship with them - she likes me, just does not love me. I have finally come to terms with this and decided to start again in all aspects of my life.
The first was to get a loan and consolidate all the debts - thats done.
The next was to get a car - a lot smaller one - cheaper to run, insure and tax. That was completed this week just gone.
The next thing I am looking for is a pad of my own and a new job. I want to be nearer to our son (who my relationship has gone into overdrive with and we are incredibly close- hes been my reason for living all through the hell). Never had to get some place of my own, looking for a flat or something and also have pushed out my cv to loads of agencies and continue to nag them to keep me in mind. Great vibes needed please..

There is gonna come a time in the near future when I would like to start thinking about meeting people again -the opposite sex if you mind.. however, dates and things are never things I have been blessed with the ability of knowing what or how to start something off.
I am not a minger - I know that - its, just, I am scared of starting this whole thing and ask for straight honest advice from you women, what are you looking for in a man? How do I start? Where do I go? What do women want?
Its terrifying for me and hope fully, when I have my own place etc, I can then move on further, after being incredibly hurt, I am moving on and doing quite good at it... women just terrify me at this moment...which sure you can understand.
Would appreciate a little help - from the female perspective on starting again...
moving forward - albeit in small steps... but moving
post #2 of 29
Kev, my friend....I'm so glad to see you back here! Lol, I'd be hanged if I remember much about dating anymore.....sad what happens when you're married for that long, isn't it?!
post #3 of 29
aw! Kev just be yourself! I'd be scared as heck, too, but you're right---you have to move on too!!! Although I'm only 21, I'm old-fashioned when it comes to dating. I like the guy to open my door for me and to be a gentleman.

My advice, again, is just to be yourself, and to be patient. Enjoy yourself too! And please keep us updated!!!
post #4 of 29
You have already been very honest-with yourself & with us..
Maybe just take some time out for you for awhile, don't get into something on the rebound. Then when you are mentally ready, a relationship will be easier.
post #5 of 29
Originally Posted by Me-n-my guys
You have already been very honest-with yourself & with us..
Maybe just take some time out for you for awhile, don't get into something on the rebound. Then when you are mentally ready, a relationship will be easier.
that's good advice
post #6 of 29
i got divorced after 20 years so i know how u feel. but what i looked for was a man who didnt take me for granted,who valued my opionon (sp?) who treated me like a lady,luckily i found such a man and have been really happily married for 5 yrs now.
but dont be tempted to go to pubs for companion,join various clubs,not nessarly singles clubs,but just be yourself put a smile on your face and enjoy your life.hopefully your get a new job soon,and just think your son will think your a supa dad taking him to some great places to visit. good luck for the future.
post #7 of 29
Hi Kev. Good to see you back, making some positive steps, and sounding more upbeat.

It's a long time since I dated, too, but in the long run, I think I'd offer these thoughts

-- Don't rush it -- it's still early days, so you are still in danger of responding "on the rebound".

-- Do take opportunities to be in situations where you have a reasonable chance of meeting women you might be interested in, and who might be interested in you.

-- When you encounter someone you are interested in, don't try to be anything other than the sweet, sensitive, funny guy you are.

Take care of you, Kev, and keep us posted.
post #8 of 29
All of the advice so far has been great! The only thing I'd like to add is that when you're ready, don't be intimidated to simply strike up conversation when you see a woman you think might be interesting. Whether you're in line for coffee and you ask her if you can buy her drink for her, or you see her sitting alone and ask if the seat across from her is taken, just be yourself and be willing to start that conversation. I would also suggest, if you manage to start a conversation and htink the person is interesting, giving the woman YOUR number. As a woman I feel much less threatened having a # given to me than being asked for my #. If a man were to give me his # it leaves me in control and if I decide I liked him well enough, I'd DEFINITELY give him a call! I know plenty of women who feel the same way. Overall, just do what feels right. Don't do anything that isn't "you" and if, when you're ready, you get rejected every once in a while just remember that it HAS to happen sometimes!

Congrats for making the decision to move on with your life! It sounds like you've come through this wonderfully and I'm very happy to hear that your relationships with the ex and your son are still in tact. Bravo!
post #9 of 29
I am a true believer that the right person comes along when you least expect it...hang in there, I've been there, done that..
My thoughts are with you..
post #10 of 29
I think ( after two marriages and several relationships) that what women want is a friend, who will value them for who they are and who, like any friend, shares values and interests. After some time divorced, I gave up looking at people who were attractive and htat was all, as we almost never shared things we could talk about and do together. When you feel ready, join a club that reflects your interests, and you will have much more chance of meeting someone you could care about. And above all, women like someone they are comfortable with and who makes them laugh. I am sure there is someone out there for you, you are such a caring and good person, and I wish you all the luck in the world.
post #11 of 29
Hi Kev, I'm glad to see you're moving on with your life. I would say, first and foremost, don't rush a new relationship. It will come to you when the time is right. Learn to live with yourself for a while, and get to know who Kev is. Most important of all, don't try to be someone you're not, just to please a woman. Be who you are, and accept yourself for who you are. You're a wonderful person. Any woman would be lucky to have you in her life, if she can't see that, then she is not worthy of you.

Try not to be scared, and when it comes to relationships, take baby steps, and you will find that you will come out on top.
post #12 of 29
Hi Kevin, glad to hear you are making such progress. When I went through my divorce, it took a long time to get back into dating. I am not good at approaching people. What was easiest for me was group type activities. I joined a bowling league. I would go out dancing with a small group of girlfriends. Basically did things that were going to be fun whether I ended up meeting a guy or not. And by going with friends and doing things in groups, even when I was very single, I had male friendships with my couple friends.

I also didn't introduce anyone to my kids until I was real serious. I don't know if you will want to do it that way, but I felt that then the kids didn't have to meet people, then feel rejected by them when it didn't work out. Sometimes a "relationship" is just a couple of dates, why would they need to meet the kids.

Best of luck to you Kevin! Just enjoy being yourself for a while, it will happen eventually!
post #13 of 29
Kev, it's nice to see you here and I'm so happy for you that you are moving on.

As everyone has said, baby steps, Kev. You'll get there.
post #14 of 29
I would wait for a while and rediscover myself. You might be surprised how much you've changed since you were last single.

The most important thing is to be yourself--don't lie, or do things you wouldn't normally do just to impress someone, or pretend to be interested in something (or someone) you're not just because you like her.

I'll say it doesn't even matter what women like or want, because if you just do what you want to do and feel comfortable doing, you'll eventually meet someone who likes it. That's the person you want to meet!

Good luck.
post #15 of 29
Kev it's nice to see you back again!
I am glad that you have come to the point where you can begin to move on. I was worried about you when this all began.
To be honest, I think you just need to be patient. Take some time for yourself. Get your life in order and everything else will fall into place. Make some new friends, hang out and have a good time. I am sure that will occur once you get into a new job. You don't have to go out on a search for someone special. When the time is right it will happen, and most likely when you are least expecting it. Don't go out of your way to try and impress a woman, or try to be something that you are not. Just be yourself. You are a wonderful man and any woman out there would be lucky to have you
post #16 of 29
You need a few months to get to know yourself all over again.

My best is advice is not to set out to seek a date, they usually remain elusive.
Don't look, they'll find you.
As for what women want?
Honesty (this includes being yourself), self assurance (without arrogance), self reliant, and supportive.
post #17 of 29
My piece of advice: Figure out what you want in a woman.....don't worry about what a woman may or may not want in you. If you figure out the qualities that you want in a woman, ie., honesty, values, beliefs, sense of humor, etc., then the rest will come easy.
Also, I think you may need to figure out if you want total commitment right now, or if you really would be happier staying single, but having companionship once in a while.
I wish you luck!
post #18 of 29
Everyone has given here sound advice. My own set of words: Trust your instincts, and remember that there is only one thing a woman will never forgive you, and thats a lie.
post #19 of 29
I am glad to see you posting again. I had worried about you, wondered how you were.

You've had some great advice...the only thing I would say from my experience, I pursued my interests, what was important to me, and from that, met the perfect person for me, who shared those interests, and most importantly, is my best friend, and shares my values.
post #20 of 29
what are you looking for in a man? How do I start? Where do I go? What do women want?

Alrighty, congrats FIRST OFF on being single again and not being fearful. You're entering a whole new ball of wax, and to tell you the honest truth, it's not a scary ball of wax! It's fun!

I know it's terrifying but you will find, you're entering a brand-new stage of your life. Breaking off a long-term relationship IS NOT the end of the world. My advice? Take some time for yourself --- go out and have fun, act stupid --- discover who YOU really are. Have fun with YOU before you have fun with that special lady you're looking for.

After all -- if ya don't know yourself --- how can you know someone else? Or know, how they will match up with you?

I know what you mean about "the opposite sex terrifying you". I felt like hiding in a small box after my LTR ended. But I didn't. I got out & partied and had a grand old time. You'll meet lots of people, if you're out there having fun, showing off some confidence and self-respect... really showing the world (and your ex) that you love yourself. All that self-respect & self-confidence will be like a beacon, and trust me... great women will notice you.

And as far as what women want? ... oh the great mystery...

Women want a man who is honest, women want a man who is funny, able to laugh at HIMSELF... a great sense of humor, even if it's weird! Women also want a man who is confident in himself, who will accept her for what she is (please don't try to change the women you're interested in... like them for who they are)... and of course, women want a man who doesn't pity himself or feels bad about himself. I guess that goes with the whole self-confidence thing, but from what I've seen? The guys with self-confidence are the ones who "have it all". Regardless of size, shape, amount of hair or all that physical crud lots of people put so much faith in. What's on the inside, is what counts. Remember that --- when you start dating again.

Good luck when you get out there again. Another word of advice: be friends FIRST. Don't start off something being obsessive or sexual with someone. FRIENDS FIRST builds a very strong relationship. Know that person & respect that person, inside & out -- then you've got something grand.

Nice to see ya back.
post #21 of 29
Kev, I missed this thread because you started it over the weekend. I saw that you were online found your last post. So sorry that you have gone through this. I know the pain is still deep, but it will fade.

Many people will disagree, but I believe that starting a new relationship is the best way to get over your last one. I just don't believe in the rebound theory and its always worked for me. You don't have to fall in love (but theres no rule against it either). Companionship sounds like what you need right now.

What do women want?
Honest, dependable men with a good sense of humor. Listen more than you talk. Tell them your story, but don't dwell on it. Be available, but don't smother.

Know what you want too. Don't settle.

Prayers and hugs!
post #22 of 29
Kev, Honestly, I hope the next thing you do when you have your place arranged and have a job .. is to get a cat or a pet of some variety.

having someone (even a furry someone) to come home to rather than an empty place is important, it takes away some of the lonliness, and quite honestly, having the responsibility fo taking care of another live being can be liberating, and uplifting.

After that, I would just.. be yourself and be HAPPY IN YOUR OWN SKIN before worrying if there's going to be someone for you. go out and have fun with your friends, don't take too much drink, and reconnect with people that you didn't have time for with family life.

You really have to know who you ARE before you can know who you're looking for.
post #23 of 29
You have gotten some great advice..

All i ever looked for in a man was honesty, sincerity..and that he would respect and take care of me. (and not meaning in a monitary way either)

Good luck. Take some time for you first!
post #24 of 29
Originally Posted by turtlecat
Kev, Honestly, I hope the next thing you do when you have your place arranged and have a job .. is to get a cat or a pet of some variety.

having someone (even a furry someone) to come home to rather than an empty place is important, it takes away some of the lonliness, and quite honestly, having the responsibility fo taking care of another live being can be liberating, and uplifting.You really have to know who you ARE before you can know who you're looking for.
It's amazing how much the love of a kitty can allieviate pain and take your mind off the bad stuff. You said right now you feel terrified of women. Maybe you could make friends with a few first and then start dating if it feels right.

Major good vibes headed your way!!
post #25 of 29
Kev, I didn't know that you didn't have a cat! I agree with everyone else about that. Having a furry someone to come home to makes such a big difference. Oliver was a great comfort to me when I was going through my divorce.
post #26 of 29
Glad to see you are back.
Everyone gave such good advice all I can add it everyone is right.
I think you will find a lucky lady in the place you would least expect her!!
I agree on getting a furry companion in the meantime.
post #27 of 29
Kev it's so great to see you back and sounding so much more positive.

Everyone here has given such great advice - take time for yourself, don't rush into anything. Take time to do things that you enjoy or discover new ways to spend your free time. The rest will follow when the time is right.

In the meantime, it will be nice to see you around TCS more. Good luck with the job hunting.
post #28 of 29
Glad to see you back and positive. I have a friend who is going through the same thing, which all came rather suddenly for him. But there islight at the end of the tunnel - it's often rather a long tunnel though, sadly.
post #29 of 29
Ah Kev, but it is good to see you again ol matey boy! You have my biggest bestest wishes coming your way. You've been so brave through everything and I'm so proud of you I apologise now for having lost touch with my move and whatnot - it's been one thing after another over here. What do women want? Kev, you don't need to ask that question... usually they'll take you jsut the way you are - and if they don't, they're not worth your time! Think about it, you're smart, you're funny, you're stronger beyond belief, you're sensitive and caring, open and honest.... wow Kev, I could sit here all day and tell you all the good things that you are. You don't ahve anything to worry about with dating
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