Am I being unreasonable?

Long story here, so thank you in advance to anyone who bothers to read it!

About 2 years ago my best friend and her husband asked me to lend them some money to buy a van to set up in business. I agreed, and lent them £6,000. I thought they'd pay me back in a month or two, but it turned out they started paying me back at £100 a month. I was miffed, but didn't need the money for anything else, so didn't mind too much.

A year ago, husband tried it on with me. I didn't say anything to my friend because I didn't want to ruin their marriage, and he apologised and said it would never happen again etc etc.

6 months ago, he found out that she was having an affair, and that I knew about it. He then told her that I had tried it on with him and that he'd turned me down, he banned me from the house and said if I ever showed my face he'd hit me. He called me all names under the sun, as you can imagine. Luckily, my friend believed me and not her husband. Since then, they have stayed together and have been slowly working things out, although husband has showed himself to be petty, spiteful, dishonest and downright nasty (he also had an affair in retaliation).

Problem is, I can't stop thinking about the fact that a man I now hate and don't trust owes me so much money. They aren't well off and husbands business isn't going well, and as guilty as I feel, I've asked to be repaid in full. They have missed the last three payments, and I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. It's not difficult to get a loan from a bank, and they have plenty of equity on their house that they could borrow against, not to mention they both have large families that I'm sure could help.

I've had a huge guilt trip this morning from my friend about they can't afford it and that her and her daughter will suffer because of me. I've pointed out that if her husband hadn't lied about me and threatened me, then I wouldn't have got to the point where I'm unhappy about the loan.

Am I being a complete cow? Please be honest, I'm feeling hugely guilty at the moment!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! It sounds like they are taking advantage of the siuation! If you were a bank or loan company, they would be in one hell of a mess now! Just because it is a friend, you don't have to sit back and let it happen.

Did you draw up some sort of loan agreement?

Sorry you are having to deal with this, it must be a really difficult situation to be in!

Thank you!! It's really hard to know with these things whether you're being reasonable or a git about it!

I have a piece of paper he signed to say he owed the money, and that I wouldn't charge interest unless it went over one year (which it now has). I'm not asking for interest though, just the capital amount. It's destroying my relationship with my friend because she now thinks I'm the devil incarnate, and every time I speak to her I can't get her husband and the money out of my head

If you have the piece of paper, then you have some power on your side! He has formally agreed to pay you the money!

It is so difficult to know what to say! I feel that your friend really needs to review her priorities! You have done nothing but help them! I really think that your friend should try to pay you the money back - explain to her the situation (if you can)

I can imagine that the idea of her husband and the moeny would be on your mind when speaking to her! Does she ever mention the loan?

really you have to look at this from two different angles.

one do you value your friendship with your and wish to keep in tact and then allow yourself to be taken advantage of and not be payed back for your loan.

two you can go to a small claims court. or whatever is the equivalent for you out there. keep that paper you had him sign and take that to court with you. you will most likely lose their friendship and you will have to decide whether or its worth it to lose it.

in my own opinion i would take them to court and get your money. you can get yourself some better friends than this.

I don't think it will go as far as court action, I think they will pay me back if I stand my ground. But, they will also give me huge guilt trips about it, and I'll probably lose her friendship. I'm not bothered about him, the way he's behaved to me has been unforgivable as far as I'm concerned.

I just think that if someone had lent me money, interest free, and then asked for it back for whatever reason, I wouldn't even question it, I'd give it back even if it meant increasing my mortgage and be happy that I'd had £6,000 interest free for two years.

I think I've been quite good about it so far, but after getting emails this morning, I feel like a complete cow.

well there is no reason to feel like a cow about this. its your money not theirs. since you dont want to take it to court stick to your ground and dont let little guilt email bother you. stick to it and be forecful with them to get your money back.

why didnt they take the loan from the bank in the first place?

I would never ever ask a friend for money, infact i just took a loan on tuesday but it was under my dads name.. I want to prove my dad i can pay it off.

Do you have some sort of Inkasso over there? (not sure if they are called that)
here you call these people and tell them they arent paying you back, they will go there and sort it out for you... but you do have to pay the inkasso people.
Either that i would suggest you to go to court. OR sort it out with a lawyer

This is what I don't get either - why didn't they go to the bank at the start? That's why I thought it was a short term loan, something to tide them over until they got the money through from the bank.

The only reason can be that they knew if they got it from me they could pay it back slower, and without interest, plus they could skip payments if need be. But they didn't tell me this, they didn't mention that they wouldn't pay me for three months, I think that's why I've finally had enough and said it would be best all round if it was repaid in full.

I'm sure I could take it to court if need be, but I was hoping that we could sort it out & still stay friends. Part of the reason I've asked for it back is that I'm beginning to get annoyed about it, and rather than fester, I thought it best to let them know how I feel. My thoughts were that they would be ok about it, pay it back, and then I wouldn't be left feeling angry about it.

I tend to think of these things in terms of what I would do in their situation, so the last thing I was expecting was to be made to feel like Satan for requesting my money back. I'm gutted that it's come to this.

I agree with Fran here, why didn't they go to the bank for a loan?.

As much as i love my friends, theres no way i'd loan out that sort of money.

Please tell us you gave them the money by cheque?, or that you have some sort of receipt to show you transferred the money in to their account?.

If you think you'll lose their friendship then i'd be sticking them into the small claims court to get your money back along with the court costs.

I get a bad vibe about this one because it's not just a few pounds they have to pay back which is why i would play safe and take legal action.

Don't worry, it was a cheque!

Thing is, she isn't just my best friend, but she was also married to my brother who passed away 5 years ago, so she's more like family to me. Which makes things worse, because I never thought she'd give me a guilt trip over it!


I'm seriously debating leaving the country for a while and coming back when it's all sorted!

well as the saying goes, cant trust anyone even family

Pffttt your right there Fran!.

If she's making you have a guilt trip then all the more reason to stick them into court.

I'm pleased you gave them a cheque because everythings on your side that way.

Wheres Judge Judy!!

Nope, not unreasonable. They haven't paid in the last 3 months - you have ever right to demeand payment in full - a bank would.

Originally Posted by rosiemac

Wheres Judge Judy!!

Click to expand...

I was thinking that! I'm sure she'd see my side of things!

Pffftt would she not!. Proofs the first thing she asks for where moneys involved.

That's the thing, I can prove the original loan amount plus the signed agreement and I can prove each payment into my bank account so I doubt my friend wants to go to court about it!

I just don't get why she's making me feel so bad about it. Presumably if she guilt trips me enough then I'll give in, and then her and her husband can carry on paying me monthly whilst I spend the next 3 years feeling resentful about it. Personally, I'd rather be skint than have a friend who I owed money to and knew that they resented me for it.

shes making you feel guilty cause she knows she can get away with it ! and i bet she does think you will give in

i would make him pay everything he owes!

thats what i think anyway !

lara x x

What if you say to her that unless she sets up a standing order with a fixed amount either each week or each month to guarantee that you get your money on a regular basis?, AND, if one payment is missed from her bank then you'll have no option than to take it to court?.

And just tell her that you need your money to live on just as much as anyone else!.

Actually me being me, i would tell them i don't want to hear any excuses and tell them to get a loan from their bank to pay me back!, or can they not get a loan from the bnk for any reason?.

No, of course you're not being a "complete cow," but I do think you are being a little unreasonable.

They definitely owe you the money, but it's unfair of you to tie up the money (business) with the whole husband/affair/nastiness thing (personal). One doesn't have anything to do with the other. Of course they need to pay you back, but why should they pay you back faster because they are having major personal problems? From their perspective, that might not make a lot of sense.

My recommendation? Call her and tell her you were wrong to bring personal issues into it; the real issue is the money, which is business only, and the problem is that they have missed three months of payments. (Remember that before this they were making good faith efforts to pay you back. Lots of people loan money to friends that they never get back at all.) Then negotiate a new payment schedule (continuing payments, lump sum, whatever), and draw up a contract detailing how the remainder of the amount will be paid back. Have all involved parties sign. I know you expected to be paid back in a lump sum right after you loaned them the money, but to be blunt, if you didn't tell them that, how were they supposed to know? It's not fair to be miffed at them because they didn't guess what you wanted.

Good luck. I've learned the hard way that loaning money to friends/family can turn bad. My husband and I now have a policy that we don't loan money we can't afford to lose, and when we loan it, we "write it off" as a gift. If we get paid back, great; if not, we'll live. Some things are more important than money.