Help with teenage son. (and girlfriend)

My son is 14 and asked to have his girlfriend over tonight. I said fine but gave him one rule. They were not allowed to go into his bedroom. She got here at 5:00. The first hour was spent IN HIS ROOM. No big deal I just figured I will ground him later instead of embarassing him. They were listening to music and talking with the door open and his sister bugging them every couple of minutes like little sisters do.

I finally got a little fed up with it and said "Out here...you know the rule". Now they are sitting on the couch with a blanket over them. I am not sure if I am being too hard on him, or too easy on him. UGH. Every time she stands up, she is pulling her tank top up. Other than that they are in plain sight with my 10 year old bugging them every five minutes.

Any words of wisdom for me? I will be having a nice long talk with my son tonight, but I am so mad right now. Maybe I will wait untill morning.

I got pregnant with him at 15 and know kids that age are usually begining to think about sex. I am the opposite of niavee (sp?) I feel way too overprotective. I never thought before tonight to ask what they do when they are at her house. It's his first "girlfriend" as a teen and I think I am being blindsighted by this one. My fault...I know. I have met her parents and they are nice.

I could ask my mom for advice but that is pointless. She would think it's cute. Everything he does is "cute" he could spit in my face and she would think it was cute...luckily he would never even consider doing anything like that. He is a good kid with a 4.038 hard earned grade point average. I want to save him from my mistakes. Not to shelter him, but to make sure he has the best future I can give him.

I'll take all the advice I can get tonight. Hopefully tomorrow I will have calmed down enough about the blanket escapades.

Thanks for listening,
Bobbie

He sounds like a good kid. The grades say a lot. I think you need to have a sit down with him about the whole sex thing. Explain to him that you don't want him to go through what you did so young, but I also think it's important to not only stress abstinence to them but to teach them about protection just in case. As far as the blanket thing, that's a no no! They are in your house and need to respect your wishes. I understand that you can't be 100% in control of what goes on while you are not around, but you are home and they should not be cuddling under any blankets. I think it's very nice of you that you aren't saying anything right now so he isn't embarrassed. Talk to him about it tomorrow and let him know that is unacceptable. If it happens again don't think twice about embarrassing him. He has been warned....

Just my opinion. I don't have kids but it wasn't that long ago that I was that age. He still needs you to tell him what do do mom!

Well, if you let him entertain his girlfriend in his bedroom at 14, what will you allow at 18? Or if you let him have this "nice" girl in there, and the next girl is a little "loose", if the rules change he will say you are a hypocrite.

Our rule is no friends of the opposite gender to be entertained in your bedroom. They can go in the living room, and depending on their age and my comfort level, we will all go somewhere else in the house to allow some privacy, but with the understanding that I frequently check in on them.

It is also good to keep the kids busy, invite several friends of both genders to play video games, watch a movie, etc. Or take them all out to do something fun. You definitely want the kids to have fun together, but try to prevent them crossing a line you do not want crossed!

I do not understand how parents let hormonal teens spend time alone together in bedrooms...it is just inviting them to get into trouble!

You should let your son know you don't want him making your mistakes. Have firm but fair rules to help keep him safe! But don't hold your mistake over his head! He may have no current plans to go too far with his girlfriend...you just need to help by having sensible rules!

Originally Posted by Beckiboo

It is also good to keep the kids busy, invite several friends of both genders to play video games, watch a movie, etc. Or take them all out to do something fun. You definitely want the kids to have fun together, but try to prevent them crossing a line you do not want crossed!

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I really like this part!
I think it is very important for parents to develop some sort of relationship with their kids' good friends and girlfriends/ boyfriends.
Spend some time with the 2 of them and you will subtly be letting them know that you are there and also that you care what goes on in your sons life.

Hi!
My teenage neice lives with me. Mattie is 14 and I am also protective, but I think you might be over reacting just a little. Don't get me wrong, I understand why you are being so protective but I doubt your son would do any thing in the day time, with you and you daughter home.

Again i'm not trying to offend you or any thing like that.

I got pregnant when I was 15 too, but it wasn't because I was sleeping with any boys. I didn't have that type of boy friend at the time. I was raped and was forced to put my son up for adoption. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I would hate to see it happen to your son's girl friend.

Good luck!
Good Bye!

oofta, i dont think you are being over protective... knowing me and my bf, and talking to my friends, blankets... can be a *bad* thing.

Originally Posted by PetLover

Hi!

I got pregnant when I was 15 too, but it wasn't because I was sleeping with any boys. I didn't have that type of boy friend at the time. I was raped and was forced to put my son up for adoption.

Good luck!
Good Bye!

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That is just horrible! It is like two crimes, to be raped and then forced to give up the baby. I am very sorry that happened to you! What a terrible year that must have been for you. My heart goes out to you!

But knowing some family's who have adopted, at least you can know that the horrible time in your life brought fulfillment to another family.

No matter what age I was, even until I moved in with Trav, if I was at my parent's house, I was allowed in the bedroom but not laying on the bed or with blankets and the door was to be open at all times! My room was down the hall from the living room so it wasn't a big deal for my parents. But I know that that would NEVER be allowed in my parent's house.



He sounds like a great kid, but knowing that I was there like 5 years ago, I think you need to have a-talkin-to with your son. Explain that you don't want him to be where you were at 15. My mom had my sister at 17 and never got to go to college. She regrets it and not being able to go to college but that is how she raised me and my sister. She explained that she wanted us to have a good life and to succeed and go to college and get a good job because she couldn't and wanted to. She let us know that she loved us but didn't want us to make the mistakes she made. And neither of us did.


Good luck and keep us updated!

I'd say the most important thing is to keep your cool and let your son know you're easy to talk to. Keep the lines of communication open and then he won't feel like he has to hide anything from you.

sounds like you've done a great job already in raising him!

I wish I had you as a mom...lol....I got pregnant at the age of 16 and it wasn't fun..My bf moved in with me and my parents at the age of 14,and he was sleeping in my room...now I am 25,2 kids later and no life,boyfriend and no education.I can say I regrete alot,but I don't regrete my kids

With your problem,I would let the oppisit of sex in the bedroom if the door was open...once the door close there out....but I guess your situation is different,ur son is 14 my girl is only 8.So I guess I can learn alot too about this situation...
what time where they cuddling under the blanket?

I already told my daughter some stuff about sex,but not to much....but I know at that age(14)I will definely going to talk alot and provide condoms whatever....I wouldn't want my child to get pregnant before 21,and she is pretty smart know....

I guess all I really can say is relax and check up on them ofte...lol
really feeling 4 u,I am sending u vibes tonight that everything will go ok


keep us posted

thats good that youll provide condoms. It helps kids to know that their parents wont hate them, and it helps them know that if they need someone to talk to they have some one

hmm...well..i dont know if you have had 'the talk' or any certain thing like that. but....maybe just try and talk with him? i mean i know some people out there tell their parents when they've had sex and some dont. Its always hard to tell because who knows..maybe they were just chillin with the blanket..was it cold inside? ha j/k. mmm..i wouldnt know of any two teens who would try and have sex even if they were alone in the room with a parent(s) home, (meaning you could walk in or knock at any moment) most things i've seen done is just parents saying leave the door open. heck when i was 18 and my bf was 18 his parents made him always keep the door open, and like yea we were gonna do anything anyway? not saying your son is, or will, but just in that circumstance. heck even when i was just laying near him on his bed his dad came in (already angry) and asked 'whats going on'. i dont think your being overprotective at all..overprotective would be not allowing her over at all! lol. and considering you had him at a young age its understandable that you dont want that to end up happening to her and him. you can try and let him know how you are feeling, or that he can talk to you without you freaking out. because no matter what i think that would be a reason any person (kid sounds too young) wouldnt tell their parent. i mean i just read an article on a mom killing her daughter after she said she lost her virginity and she was i think 15 or so. but i the mom WAS way crazy and i think there was alot more to it. i would talk to him, with good grades he does have sense and should be smart about it at least if he is, or ends up 'going all the way'. know maybe where her parents stand on 'that kind of thing' do they let them alone in her room? etc. because even if you try to watch them at your house, sex can happen anywhere, haha. good luck tho! im sure it was just a jittery night! next time, just turn the heat on, no blankets! lol

Thanks everyone...you all made me feel better!

My son is on the other end of the table from me so, I'll be brief.

We talked in the car on the way home a little. I just told him he broke my one and only rule. Now he can't see her for a little while. Not long, but just long enough to know I mean what I say. As it is he only sees her once a week. So missing one visit seems like the end of the world to him. He isn't mad at me, and I am not mad at him. It was a rule, and he broke it end of conversation. He wants to try and justify it to me, but I am sticking to my rule. No girls in the bedroom.

I did discuss the blanket thing. We do have a 18,000 btu air conditioner right next to that couch. He said she was cold. I get really cold in that spot also, so I may let that slide this time just because he didn't know blankets were off limits. Now he does and he understands why. Luckily this is a kid who wants to keep eveyone happy and can't stand when I am upset with him. He has been by my side since we got home. He is finally eating. I know he was starving, but wouldn't admit it.

So, I guess I am not royally messing up at parenting. Yet...LOL

Again, thanks for the advice .... I'll update tomorrow again.

{{{{{hugs}}}}} to all who responded.

Bobbie

awww he sounds like a great kid! i bet my rents wish i was that great!

He does sound like a good kid, and you sound like you're doing a good job at parenting! I would highly highly highly recommend you talk to him about abstinence, or at least why sex is a big deal. Find some good books, and read them together and talk about it. The more you can make it into his choice to be smart about sex, the more likely he is to stick to it and not rebel against the rules later on. There's a good speech at this site http://www.pureloveclub.com/seminars/index.php?id=5 . The second link there is for a more secular talk, though you should probably listen to it first to make sure that its something you agree with, of course. The couple who presents it is Catholic, but the information is good whether you're Catholic or not, or even whether you're Christian or not. Keep up the good work, we need more parents like you who care about what their children are doing!

yea thats so wonderful! you seem like the perfect strict/lenience (meaning not too overbearing, but also not uncaring,), i mean i've seen some kids of strict (way)parents, go off the wall and rebel. not all. but some. and some kids of lenient 'rents who of course chose the wrong paths..and some who are fine. my mom wasnt strict at alll..no curfews ( i cam home at a reasonable time anyway) i didnt date until i was like older so that didnt matter, no sex talk, but i wasnt screwing everything in site, no drug talk, but i wasnt a druggie, tho my mom overheard me talking about pot once :S lol and she just asked me about it. but you and your son seem to be at a great place where he does respect you and your concern and you respect him. which is a very important thing. my ex boyfriends parents grounded him for a year his soph year of h.s. for drinking. now here in college he drinks all the time and just thinks its the coolest thing..and its annoying!!! i feel so old at chico state because im not even a big drinker, lol. ok off the topic there. but glad to know things worked out! just let them use seperate blankets, or have some nice sweatshirts available if the ac is on!! peace

lol I agree with the seperate blanket/have sweatshirt deal! Sad to say but even though John and I have been together 2 years and plan on getting married eventually and she still doesn't like us to be in his room with the door closed... lol Guess it doesn't stop until you move out huh? Im glad that your son was so understanding about the whole thing and hopefully he understands that you don't want him to end up a father at such a young age too. I doubt he really would enjoy that either! eh i hope ya'll can understand this cuz its late and im tired and feel like i just rambled on.. lol

Originally Posted by 4kids4cats

So, I guess I am not royally messing up at parenting. Yet...LOL

Bobbie

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Sounds like you and your son have a great relationship! Its so nice to see parents who are genuinely concerned and concientious--without being seriously overprotective, or spoiling their kids rotten. It seems lately like I've seen a lot of parents I know either letting their kids run rampant, or locking them up like theyre in a convent, or making them think the sun shines out their behinds!!!
Or, of course, parents who couldn't care less what their kids are up to...

It seems like you've found a great "balance" between being an authority figure and af riend to your son...I hope I can do the same when I have kids!

You said you are worried about what might happen at the girl's house? If her parents are as nice as you say, could you not have a chat with them about the whole teen rules thing? As both kids are young it makes sense to know what other parents feel about limits. You could maybe include other parents of friends, so not to make it seem as if you are pointing a finger. Make it a kind of 'now our kids are growing up' evening. It is difficult to forbid kids to be in bedrooms sometimes these days, as they naturally want to share music and computers etc that are often situated there. But every family must work out its rules while respecting others who may feel differently. I do agree that the blanket thing is definitely a no-no but it sounds to me as if that was done out of a fit of rebellion after having been forbidden the bedroom. Teens are so hard - I really wish you the best of luck.

Of course teens are going to go through that experimental stage... we all do, and it's not going to change in the foreseeable future! I think by setting limits you're showing that you care about him... kids need them no matter what their age, but be prepared for those limits to be pushed and even broken. Rules and limits are there in the teens mind to be railed against, I'm afraid. Having said that though, he sounds like a really nice kid - perhaps when you get the chance would be a good time to sit him down and just let him know you're concerned. Tell him that it's what you went through getting pregnant with him at 15 that worries and makes you feel this way - and to be honest I think he'll understand. If you explain how you feel rather than just getting mad and telling them to be in plain sight, perhaps he'll take it to heart and be more inclined to listen to what you have to say. The difficult thing that you have is maintaining the balance between being a rule-maker, and still being approachable, so that if there is something he wants to talk about, he still feels that he can come to you. I know it definitely worked for us... I got pregnant at 17 with Alex, and I sat down with my little bro one day and explained that I was worried about him and his girlfriend because believe me when I say that she was very very naive and constantly on about how she wanted kids. My mother had been fretting for ages over it and asked if I would mind putting in a word for her because she knows how close we both are. Maybe it wasn't right for her to do that, but I can understand why she felt that she coudln't. But, David is a one in a million guy, and he was incredibly nice to me over it - he took it in, he listened, he understood. And he was 15 at the time too when I spoke to him. You'd be surprised what a response you can get from a kid that age. OK David and I are siblings and very close - we always have been - but he could have been embarassed, he could have yelled at me and told me to poke my nose out (which maybe is what he should have done!)... but he had seen what I'd been through and was willing to at least hear what I had to say. He volunteered his own promise to me that he wouldn't make me an aunty until he was at least in his late 20's. And God bless him, he's stuck by his word. He has no intentions of having kids - but not only did he listen to me, but he did the right thing and passed all of our conversation on to his girlfriend. They were good kids, now they're very good adults. And I love them to death for it. So perhaps you could give that a go.....