Press charges or not?

Hi all... I just thought this would be a good chance for a discussion, I was talking to a lady I see every day on the bus thismorning and she was telling me about her daughter. Her Daughter has been living with this man for eight years (they've been married for the last two) and only recently has she found out that her daughters husband has been abusing her. He broke almost all of her ribs and cracked her head open once when he was beating her with an iron, ... he hits her regularly with the ironing board.... she is constantly in fear of being beaten... just three days ago they fell out because she wanted to go for a drink with her friends - he slammed her thumb in the door and somehow managed to rip it clean off!! She has left him now and moved back in with her mother, she only has a few belongings and has lost her house and job because of this. His parents are now phoning her saying "what kind of wife are you to our son - you're running away after a little tiff"!!!!!!! I said to the mum she ought to get her daughter to press charges against him - what do you think? My sister went through a very similar thing and I wish she had pressed charges against him - but never did. Having never been in this situation myself I don't know what it would really be like.......... any comments on this?
(sorry if I seem a little "detatched talking about this, but it gets me soooo unbelievably mad I try real hard to stay calm... personally I would like to kill the *"$!%*&!! )

Bodlover
No one should have to put up with treatment like that. The poor daughter is probably living in fear all the time. She should definitely press charges and get a restraining order against her husband. In the U.S. people are arrested if they violate restraining orders. Maybe England does't have them?

Hi Lorie... yes we do have restraining orders here, and people are arrested for breaking them, but the thing is that not many women seem to use them..... I've (sadly) know a few people in this kind of situation, and they are so relieved to actually get out of it, they don't bother with pressing charges. I know it must be a terrible situation to be in and I don't truly know how I would cope, but I'd like to think I'd press charges against him.

The most important thing is her safety. Under no account should she go back to her husband, no matter what his parents or anyone else says and no matter how much he will try to convince her himself!

The question of whether to press charges is tactical really. I think she should consult a good lawyer and see how to get the best of what she deserves in a divorce. If charges need to be pressed then by all means, she should go ahead with it.

What this man did to her was horrendous, but pressing charges could further infuriate her abuser more and he could retaliate even if he was behind bars. The best thing is to walk away and thank God you are still alive and stay as far away from this beast as possible. As Anne said, her safety is the number one priority here, and the more contact she has with this monster even through the courts could serve to set him off against her. And the police cannot always protect the victims.

My 2 cents......I feel that unless this man is made to be responsible for his actions, he will find yet another victim. Prosecution is the only way to ensure that he will not do this to yet another victim, maybe going too far the next time and actually killing her. His actions are premeditted and deliberate. This woman has been beaten and abused and has a right to know that she will be safe from him in the future. A few good years behind bars with a friend named Bubba ought to teach him a lesson. As for his parents,what kind of beast did they raise? Perhaps mom sees nothing wrong in this type of behavior, because she chooses to live in an abvusive relationship as well?
My bottom line is that this behavior is against the law and he needs to be stopped.

I totally agree with all of you. He should DEFINITELY be put in jail. She should do whatever she can to press charges so that no one else will become a victim.

I'm glad to hear that she has left him and is now living with her mother. I'm wondering if he was abused as a child? Often times, if someone was abused when they were growing up, then they repeat that behavior when they are older.

BodLover...let us know what happens if you talk to her again.

When I was in my early 20's I worked as an EMT. For my internship, I was required to work in the hospital emergency room for 20 hours. One day a woman was serverly beaten by her husband. She came in with MAST trousers (tight pants that keep the blood in the upper body) as she had been diagnosed by the paramedic with internal bleeding. She was in critical condition. I followed this case during the day. There was a code in the ICU...the doctor's worked frantically on this tiny lady...she must've been all of 90 lbs. She went into cardiac arrest. She died. I was in tears. Her husband was there; he was in tears, the police were right there too. He was arrested and charged with murder. I really didn't follow the case, but it was heartwrenching.
So, this man, in my opinion, should be charged and arrested, before he winds up killing this woman. Obviously he has a severe mental disorder and needs help.

Cat

Oh my YES he should be charged!!!!! To just let him go free so as to not make him mad would be a major mistake in my opinion. This man needs help and needs to pay for his actions.

Meme

I literally feel sick to my stomach after reading what happened to this poor woman.

It's so hard to sit here in front of a computer and make that call from across the ocean. I see both sides to the argument. I understand getting as far away as possible and trying to rebuild, be safe and forget it ever happened, I understand persuing justice to keep this monster from ever hurting someone again. Without knowing the all the details it's so hard to to say one way or the other. Obviously the ideal is her being able to prosecute while remaining safe and never being hurt by him again.

He is a sick, sick man who needs to be put away. That's for sure.

Here we go again. Why,in God's name would anyone even be WONDERING here. This S.O.B. evidently cracked the woman's skull with an iron,assaults her regularly with a weapon and tore her thumb off. That is armed assault or even attempted murder in my books. WHO CARES why this moron is this way. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!!

It makes me ill to hear the old crap about "oh he might retaliate", do nothing,don't make waves. Don't you realize that this is what these Bas....WANT you to think like. They ENJOY having you afraid of them. THAT'S THE WHOLE DAMN POINT OF THEIR ACTIONS!!!! They will NOT change,they will NOT get better,they will NOT leave you alone if you run. They LIKE being like this..it is their heroin;their high. If you wimp out they mark you as their property,their slave,someone who submits. The violence will only get WORSE as they pursue their wierd "thrill".

CHARGE this piece of....feces,put him away. If he gets out and looks sideways at you,charge him AGAIN and put him right back there. That is why police HATE these cases and seem so indifferent. Because most times the woman will back down and refuse to press charges. The courts are the same way...the women won't stand up and spit in the defence lawyer's eye.

You have a RIGHT to a happy,safe life. But you have to take responsibility for it. Stop letting other people make your choices for you.

Oh,and one final thing ladies...does anyone REALLY think a bar full of drunks is a GOOD place to prospect for a "good man"????

Definitely, like I said, I already saw a woman murdered that was only 90 lbs. She was apparently on the ground when he pummeled her with his knee...I guess he actually was standing and bent his knee and dropped right on her chest. It caused a clot and that was that!
It's sad, but what's really sad is that more often than not, these guys get a second chance! He needs help before he's released or ever released. I was also watching Forensic Files the other nite and saw something very similar where the husband abused the wife constantly and eventually he murdered her! This is sick, sick, sick. They're not just spouse abusers, they are potential murderers.

Cat:

The cycle of abuse is almost always perpetuated because women allow it to be. They stay in dangerous and destructive relationships, defend the man to the authorities, and accept endless empty promises that it won't happen again.

I understand that it is a scary thing to pack up and go, but to stay is even more frightening to me.

I agree Deb..... it is worse to stay... but I have to say in the case of my sister, she was made to feel so utterly worthless and so "unable" (if ya know what I mean) she didn't have the confidence or strength in herself to do it.... it took her 4 good attempts and when she finally did it she was sooooo sick from the worry and strain she lost pounds and pounds overnight, constant sickness and diarhea.... she was a total state. But she did it and she will ALWAYS have my respect for that. She is now very happily married to another man and has recovered completely which I am SOOOOOOOO glad about.

YES! YES! YES! She should press charges this time for every incident she can prove and every time he looks sideways at her for the rest of her life! I have been in this situation and that was the only thing that stopped it. My ex tried to kill me, my current SO and threatened our daughter. I have permanent scars from this idiot including a lovely one that runs down the side of my mouth. It is not easy, she will be scared for a long time, but the sooner she puts this in motion, the sooner it will be over. Yes, eventually you aren't scared any more. You stop looking around before you go out a door, you stop panicking every time the phone or doorbell rings, and you can even sleep without the nightmares every night. I was very lucky to have my current SO to help me through it. Her parents will be her strength, because I bet she has none of her own right now. If she is out of his house, she should never go back. Send the police with someone else for anything she just can't live without. I have been through this and it NEVER gets better. She can only die or be in a living hell.

Kittyfoot-
I understand your anger, and as a woman, I find comfort in the fact that there is a man who gets this angry over something that "doesn't affect him directly" (I know it does, but many men don't see it). Sometimes it seems that there are no men who aren't abusive, or who don't look the other way. I'm going to be conceited enough to thank you on behalf of all abused women everywhere.
And yes, we know bars aren't the place to look for good men, but many of us don't think we deserve good men, and don't know why they'd want US if they had the choice. I'm speaking from personal experience. Old habits are hard to break. Lots of women leave abusive relationships only to get into other ones. Lots of times this started with our fathers, and will not change until we MAKE IT CHANGE. We are addicts too, in a way.
Bodlover-
YES, charges should be pressed. Like an alcoholic who won't change until he loses everthing, this man is also an addict who needs to have everything taken away. This woman has the power to do that. I understand the urge she feels to run away and forget, but it is not possible until she has closure. She will not have that until she exerts her power. Tell that woman that her daughter has a lot of people cheering for her. We'll throw her a party when that jerk gets put away. I mean that.

The woman's husband was probably abused as a child, and he probably saw his mother being beaten on a regular basis, now he is abusing his wife. Sometimes there is no way to really be safe from this type of man. I have seen newspaper stories about women who have left this type of relationship and rebuilt their lives. And after a couple of years, the man finds them when they are least expecting it and kills them.

I see alot of these cases in Prosecutors, FBI Files, New Detectives, and Forensic Science(Court TV). It makes me afraid and hope I never find one of these men ever. I think the best way to meet someone is through church where you have everything in common. Don't get me wrong. There can be abusers in church. But still, its better than the bar, the net, or personal ads.

Lori..I'm sorry,but that is exactly the response I'm talking about.
"Sometimes there is no way to really be safe from this type of man."
So what's your alternative..cut your own throat now so he won't have to go to the trouble?? Of course there's no way IF YOU DO NOT STAND UP!!! Women..STOP ENABLING THESE SCUMSUCKERS. Control your own life.
Don't you get it?? He WANTS you to ruin your life by hiding and being afraid. He GETS OFF ON THAT. THAT IS THE WHOLE DAMN POINT OF THE WAY HE BEHAVES!!!

Why he is that way is moot at this point. That is HIS problem,not yours. At this juncture WHO CARES. You should be concerned ONLY with saving yourself here. THAT'S ALL!!! Screw him and the horse he rode in on.

Bubbles..your point about closure is right on the money. If the issue is not addressed she could wind up sitting alone in a dark house afraid of everything. And there are a lot more of us than you think out here. Most MEN I know are disgusted by these creeps. But many of us have tried to intervene before only to be turned on by the woman and then watched open-mouthed when she runs to comfort the bum who was just beating the crap out of her.

Yes...She should definately press charges!!!! What really got me was that this mans parents called her and accused her of leaving because of what they called a little 'tiff'. My gosh!! Having your thumb ripped clear off is way more than a little 'tiff'!!! Sounds like his parents are no better than he is, to stand by there son when he is abusing his wife like this.
Please let us know what this woman decides to do, I will say a prayer for her, and I hope she does not back down, or go back to him!!!!