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Press charges or not?

post #1 of 33
Thread Starter 
Hi all... I just thought this would be a good chance for a discussion, I was talking to a lady I see every day on the bus thismorning and she was telling me about her daughter. Her Daughter has been living with this man for eight years (they've been married for the last two) and only recently has she found out that her daughters husband has been abusing her. He broke almost all of her ribs and cracked her head open once when he was beating her with an iron, ... he hits her regularly with the ironing board.... she is constantly in fear of being beaten... just three days ago they fell out because she wanted to go for a drink with her friends - he slammed her thumb in the door and somehow managed to rip it clean off!! She has left him now and moved back in with her mother, she only has a few belongings and has lost her house and job because of this. His parents are now phoning her saying "what kind of wife are you to our son - you're running away after a little tiff"!!!!!!! I said to the mum she ought to get her daughter to press charges against him - what do you think? My sister went through a very similar thing and I wish she had pressed charges against him - but never did. Having never been in this situation myself I don't know what it would really be like.......... any comments on this?
(sorry if I seem a little "detatched talking about this, but it gets me soooo unbelievably mad I try real hard to stay calm... personally I would like to kill the *"$!%*&!! )
post #2 of 33
No one should have to put up with treatment like that. The poor daughter is probably living in fear all the time. She should definitely press charges and get a restraining order against her husband. In the U.S. people are arrested if they violate restraining orders. Maybe England does't have them?
post #3 of 33
Thread Starter 
Hi Lorie... yes we do have restraining orders here, and people are arrested for breaking them, but the thing is that not many women seem to use them..... I've (sadly) know a few people in this kind of situation, and they are so relieved to actually get out of it, they don't bother with pressing charges. I know it must be a terrible situation to be in and I don't truly know how I would cope, but I'd like to think I'd press charges against him.
post #4 of 33
The most important thing is her safety. Under no account should she go back to her husband, no matter what his parents or anyone else says and no matter how much he will try to convince her himself!

The question of whether to press charges is tactical really. I think she should consult a good lawyer and see how to get the best of what she deserves in a divorce. If charges need to be pressed then by all means, she should go ahead with it.
post #5 of 33
What this man did to her was horrendous, but pressing charges could further infuriate her abuser more and he could retaliate even if he was behind bars. The best thing is to walk away and thank God you are still alive and stay as far away from this beast as possible. As Anne said, her safety is the number one priority here, and the more contact she has with this monster even through the courts could serve to set him off against her. And the police cannot always protect the victims.
post #6 of 33
My 2 cents......I feel that unless this man is made to be responsible for his actions, he will find yet another victim. Prosecution is the only way to ensure that he will not do this to yet another victim, maybe going too far the next time and actually killing her. His actions are premeditted and deliberate. This woman has been beaten and abused and has a right to know that she will be safe from him in the future. A few good years behind bars with a friend named Bubba ought to teach him a lesson. As for his parents,what kind of beast did they raise? Perhaps mom sees nothing wrong in this type of behavior, because she chooses to live in an abvusive relationship as well?
My bottom line is that this behavior is against the law and he needs to be stopped.
post #7 of 33
I totally agree with all of you. He should DEFINITELY be put in jail. She should do whatever she can to press charges so that no one else will become a victim.

I'm glad to hear that she has left him and is now living with her mother. I'm wondering if he was abused as a child? Often times, if someone was abused when they were growing up, then they repeat that behavior when they are older.

BodLover...let us know what happens if you talk to her again.
post #8 of 33
When I was in my early 20's I worked as an EMT. For my internship, I was required to work in the hospital emergency room for 20 hours. One day a woman was serverly beaten by her husband. She came in with MAST trousers (tight pants that keep the blood in the upper body) as she had been diagnosed by the paramedic with internal bleeding. She was in critical condition. I followed this case during the day. There was a code in the ICU...the doctor's worked frantically on this tiny lady...she must've been all of 90 lbs. She went into cardiac arrest. She died. I was in tears. Her husband was there; he was in tears, the police were right there too. He was arrested and charged with murder. I really didn't follow the case, but it was heartwrenching.
So, this man, in my opinion, should be charged and arrested, before he winds up killing this woman. Obviously he has a severe mental disorder and needs help.

post #9 of 33
Oh my YES he should be charged!!!!! To just let him go free so as to not make him mad would be a major mistake in my opinion. This man needs help and needs to pay for his actions.

post #10 of 33
I literally feel sick to my stomach after reading what happened to this poor woman.

It's so hard to sit here in front of a computer and make that call from across the ocean. I see both sides to the argument. I understand getting as far away as possible and trying to rebuild, be safe and forget it ever happened, I understand persuing justice to keep this monster from ever hurting someone again. Without knowing the all the details it's so hard to to say one way or the other. Obviously the ideal is her being able to prosecute while remaining safe and never being hurt by him again.

He is a sick, sick man who needs to be put away. That's for sure.
post #11 of 33
Here we go again. Why,in God's name would anyone even be WONDERING here. This S.O.B. evidently cracked the woman's skull with an iron,assaults her regularly with a weapon and tore her thumb off. That is armed assault or even attempted murder in my books. WHO CARES why this moron is this way. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!!

It makes me ill to hear the old crap about "oh he might retaliate", do nothing,don't make waves. Don't you realize that this is what these Bas....WANT you to think like. They ENJOY having you afraid of them. THAT'S THE WHOLE DAMN POINT OF THEIR ACTIONS!!!! They will NOT change,they will NOT get better,they will NOT leave you alone if you run. They LIKE being like this..it is their heroin;their high. If you wimp out they mark you as their property,their slave,someone who submits. The violence will only get WORSE as they pursue their wierd "thrill".

CHARGE this piece of....feces,put him away. If he gets out and looks sideways at you,charge him AGAIN and put him right back there. That is why police HATE these cases and seem so indifferent. Because most times the woman will back down and refuse to press charges. The courts are the same way...the women won't stand up and spit in the defence lawyer's eye.

You have a RIGHT to a happy,safe life. But you have to take responsibility for it. Stop letting other people make your choices for you.

Oh,and one final thing ladies...does anyone REALLY think a bar full of drunks is a GOOD place to prospect for a "good man"????
post #12 of 33
Definitely, like I said, I already saw a woman murdered that was only 90 lbs. She was apparently on the ground when he pummeled her with his knee...I guess he actually was standing and bent his knee and dropped right on her chest. It caused a clot and that was that!
It's sad, but what's really sad is that more often than not, these guys get a second chance! He needs help before he's released or ever released. I was also watching Forensic Files the other nite and saw something very similar where the husband abused the wife constantly and eventually he murdered her! This is sick, sick, sick. They're not just spouse abusers, they are potential murderers.

post #13 of 33
The cycle of abuse is almost always perpetuated because women allow it to be. They stay in dangerous and destructive relationships, defend the man to the authorities, and accept endless empty promises that it won't happen again.

I understand that it is a scary thing to pack up and go, but to stay is even more frightening to me.
post #14 of 33
Thread Starter 
I agree Deb..... it is worse to stay... but I have to say in the case of my sister, she was made to feel so utterly worthless and so "unable" (if ya know what I mean) she didn't have the confidence or strength in herself to do it.... it took her 4 good attempts and when she finally did it she was sooooo sick from the worry and strain she lost pounds and pounds overnight, constant sickness and diarhea.... she was a total state. But she did it and she will ALWAYS have my respect for that. She is now very happily married to another man and has recovered completely which I am SOOOOOOOO glad about.
post #15 of 33
YES! YES! YES! She should press charges this time for every incident she can prove and every time he looks sideways at her for the rest of her life! I have been in this situation and that was the only thing that stopped it. My ex tried to kill me, my current SO and threatened our daughter. I have permanent scars from this idiot including a lovely one that runs down the side of my mouth. It is not easy, she will be scared for a long time, but the sooner she puts this in motion, the sooner it will be over. Yes, eventually you aren't scared any more. You stop looking around before you go out a door, you stop panicking every time the phone or doorbell rings, and you can even sleep without the nightmares every night. I was very lucky to have my current SO to help me through it. Her parents will be her strength, because I bet she has none of her own right now. If she is out of his house, she should never go back. Send the police with someone else for anything she just can't live without. I have been through this and it NEVER gets better. She can only die or be in a living hell.
post #16 of 33
I understand your anger, and as a woman, I find comfort in the fact that there is a man who gets this angry over something that "doesn't affect him directly" (I know it does, but many men don't see it). Sometimes it seems that there are no men who aren't abusive, or who don't look the other way. I'm going to be conceited enough to thank you on behalf of all abused women everywhere.
And yes, we know bars aren't the place to look for good men, but many of us don't think we deserve good men, and don't know why they'd want US if they had the choice. I'm speaking from personal experience. Old habits are hard to break. Lots of women leave abusive relationships only to get into other ones. Lots of times this started with our fathers, and will not change until we MAKE IT CHANGE. We are addicts too, in a way.
YES, charges should be pressed. Like an alcoholic who won't change until he loses everthing, this man is also an addict who needs to have everything taken away. This woman has the power to do that. I understand the urge she feels to run away and forget, but it is not possible until she has closure. She will not have that until she exerts her power. Tell that woman that her daughter has a lot of people cheering for her. We'll throw her a party when that jerk gets put away. I mean that.
post #17 of 33
The woman's husband was probably abused as a child, and he probably saw his mother being beaten on a regular basis, now he is abusing his wife. Sometimes there is no way to really be safe from this type of man. I have seen newspaper stories about women who have left this type of relationship and rebuilt their lives. And after a couple of years, the man finds them when they are least expecting it and kills them.
post #18 of 33
I see alot of these cases in Prosecutors, FBI Files, New Detectives, and Forensic Science(Court TV). It makes me afraid and hope I never find one of these men ever. I think the best way to meet someone is through church where you have everything in common. Don't get me wrong. There can be abusers in church. But still, its better than the bar, the net, or personal ads.
post #19 of 33
Lori..I'm sorry,but that is exactly the response I'm talking about.
"Sometimes there is no way to really be safe from this type of man."
So what's your alternative..cut your own throat now so he won't have to go to the trouble?? Of course there's no way IF YOU DO NOT STAND UP!!! Women..STOP ENABLING THESE SCUMSUCKERS. Control your own life.
Don't you get it?? He WANTS you to ruin your life by hiding and being afraid. He GETS OFF ON THAT. THAT IS THE WHOLE DAMN POINT OF THE WAY HE BEHAVES!!!

Why he is that way is moot at this point. That is HIS problem,not yours. At this juncture WHO CARES. You should be concerned ONLY with saving yourself here. THAT'S ALL!!! Screw him and the horse he rode in on.

Bubbles..your point about closure is right on the money. If the issue is not addressed she could wind up sitting alone in a dark house afraid of everything. And there are a lot more of us than you think out here. Most MEN I know are disgusted by these creeps. But many of us have tried to intervene before only to be turned on by the woman and then watched open-mouthed when she runs to comfort the bum who was just beating the crap out of her.
post #20 of 33
Yes...She should definately press charges!!!! What really got me was that this mans parents called her and accused her of leaving because of what they called a little 'tiff'. My gosh!! Having your thumb ripped clear off is way more than a little 'tiff'!!! Sounds like his parents are no better than he is, to stand by there son when he is abusing his wife like this.
Please let us know what this woman decides to do, I will say a prayer for her, and I hope she does not back down, or go back to him!!!!
post #21 of 33
Hey guys, this is a really passionate topic, no doubt about that, but there have been awhole lot of 9 and 10 year olds who have been introduced to this site, who may start lurking from home.

Everything we write now has the potential to reach a lot of 4th graders, so we should be mindful of that.

Not pointing fingers, not flaming, just pointing out that more than ever we have to watch how we get our point across. I'd hate for a parent to complain to Anne. Especially with the condition she's in.

post #22 of 33
I think she can only press charges if she has documentation of the abuse. Hospital records are good, but lots of little injuries never get seen by a doctor. Photos are good too, so maybe there are some family shots that show bruises etc. Better if someone actually took pictures to show the injuries, but unlikely. Otherwise it is a sort of he said / she said situation and all she is doing is stirring up a hornets' nest. Spousal rape might still be a judgement call, but assault and battery is not a gray area.

Are there no safe houses in the UK? I'm not sure her parents' house is the safest place for her, since obviously he can get to her there. She needs to be someplace away from him, where he has no access to her, so that she can get her head together and heal her body. Mom and Dad might be comforting, but they aren't prepared to have him show up on their doorstep I'm sure.


AP, not trying to be disagreeable, I don't think there's anything here that a 4th grader couldn't know about. I think in some ways it's good for them to know that this is NOT acceptable behavior, both because hopefully they will grow up to have relationships of their own someday, and because there is the possibility some of them live in this kind of household and are keeping one of those secrets that really needs to be told. But I do appreciate our need to watch what we say or at least the language we use to say it.
post #23 of 33
From one abuse victim to another...Press charges!!!!!!! The sob will eventually find someone else to make his "toy" when he realizes that you aren't going to put up with his...crap...(not the word I wanted to use, but will work for the sake of the young ones)
I think compared to this girl, i was really luck in that all my EX did was hit me and verbally abuse me. He never hit me with anything but his hands(not that that is any better or worse) which looking at this thread, i am thankful for( I guess). Now I realize that I don't have to take any ***t off of ANY man! I can defend myself and I can deal with life as it comes.
Bod, please tell your friend that she has my ut most respect and that she isn't alone no matter how much she may feel she is. And Please, please, don't take him back. It doesn't get better, it gets worse. Now that she is out, please tell her to divorce him asap.(if she is married to him) and find the inner strength she has and go on to have a better life without fear or hatred.
post #24 of 33
Ok, first let me address my kiddies maybe reading this..I had the website up and ready, they didnt log in. It was already on the "post reply" screen for them. 2nd- please do not alter what you would say because of kids seeing it. I look at it 2 ways. 1st- the parents need to be monitoring what they see at home. 2nd- my kids come from all over this city. We have kids that are brought in from the projects downtown, calling others crackheads and stuff. They experience this kind of thing. We have had multiple calls to CPS and DFACS. In my own opinion, this guy is a scumbag. It makes me cringe to think that "if we ignore it, it will go away" no. he will repeat and repeat until someone dies. I hope this girl is strong enought to take a stand. By the way, isnt there anyway she can block the calls from his parents. What jerks. He probably was a momma's boy who did no wrong...and she still can't see it. My grandma is like that. BLIND. Dad is a convicted felon for drug charges and she cant figure out why I would get mad at him. I mean really! Can we know this girls 1st name? I'd like to pray for her. Thanks/
post #25 of 33
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all your replies so far people, Juicelyn0527 her name is Lucy... I don't know her personally but know her mother, I will be sure to pass all this support on. She is at the moment proceeding with the divorce, which he is refusing, but I don't think he really has much choice in the matter..... I don't know all the details about "evidence of her injuries" as such, but Im sure she must have some kind of medical report from when he broke her ribs and skull.... so that could be used if she does decide to press charges.
I haven't seen her mother today so I haven't been able to get an up date yet, but I will let you all know as soon as I do. But I do know, there is NO WAY she will be going back to him....
post #26 of 33
Originally posted by Juicelyn 0527
"if we ignore it, it will go away"
I have met abused women whose own families have this attitude. These families make it a lot harder for the women to deal with abusive situations. Lucy is lucky to have such a supportive mother.
post #27 of 33
I am in agreement...there are people in jail for far less than what this @%#@&**$#@ has done. Out of respect and safety for that woman, as well as all women it is imperative that charges be pressed against him. If there are children in the family action should be taken to prevent the cycle from continuing in their family.
post #28 of 33
I recently got a PM from one of our members questioning my "right" to express an opinion on this subject. That I am "offensive" to some here who are "trapped" in this kind of relationship. (not yours AP)

My "right" AND my outrage stems from watching a close friend and her 4 yr old daughter buried a few years back. She too went back to the "thing" involved because he "promised to change" and he "needed and loved them." 6 months later they were both dead.

Yes,I hate these scumbags

If that offends...GOOD!!!! Just maybe someone out there will THINK about their possible future. I am so sick of the "do nothing" and the religious nuts and their "God commands you obey". Please people,if you are mired in this kind of relationship get out NOW before you wind up like my friend. God will not punish you for saving yourself and your kids.

For the whackos who council Stay and Suffer;I think God will have something to say to YOU!!!
post #29 of 33
KF, I completely want you to know that I support all that you are saying. I see these things happen through my children in class...daddy in jail for beating mommy, mommy taking daddy back, RIDICULOUS. We have a student who literally threw another student down, stepped on his chest, and spit in his face. Wanna guess how dad treats mom? I don't think I need to explain. Why can't we all accept that each of us has different views? Each topic we cover will make someone uncomfortable. Hello? That's called LIFE.
post #30 of 33
Well, Ive never been in this situation myself so I don't have any first hand knowledge. Having said that, I think she should definitly press charges. It is unacceptable for anyone to abuse anyone no matter if its man or woman. There is no difference, if someone assaults you then you need to report it. They need to pay for their actions, and it won't happen unless you turn their butt in.

It infuriates me that people are willing overlook this sort of behavior. If you were walking down the street and someone attacked you, you would go straight to the police. Why is this any different??????????????????????? Even if he stops abusing her, he will move on to someone else. He belongs in prison.
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