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Do other's have relatives that do this??

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
I attended another niece's bridal shower on Saturday. In the past 5 years there have been many bridal and baby showers.
I don't know how every one else's family does them but when I was growing up for instance my bridal shower was hosted by my mom and sister at home.
Mom provided all the food and beverages.
With all my in-laws it seems that there is an unwritten rule that you are obligated to bring some type of food dish to pass or sometimes even a small prize for those inevetable games that are played. One of my SIL's was so bold as to want to split the cost of the food she had bought for one of the bridal showers amongst all us aunts (she being the mother-in-law of the bride).
It not like anyone can't afford to put on the shower which by the way are hugh affairs with some showers I've attended having 40 people or more.
I of course will not ever be in the position to host a shower and in fact 2 of my SIL's children have not yet had any baby or bridal showers.
So am I being stubborn as not to want to follow the rules?
The shower on Saturday-there was so much food-the stuff that some of my SIL's brought wasn't even touched.
What do other's do??? I'll be attending another bridal shower in a couple of months.
post #2 of 8
Etiquette says that family can't host showers. It's seen as grabby. But showers in our family circle were often hosted by family members and included neighbors. They were not very elaborate affairs with meals. Just cake and nuts after games and opening gifts. The cost of the affair was shared among the hosts.

I think some folks are getting high expectations about showers and similar events. Just because one or two were big affairs they expect all of them to be like that.

IMO: If you are a host, do what your budget will handle.
post #3 of 8
Your situation sounds crazy to me....LOL
With our family the person giving the shower pays for the shower. Usually for a bridal shower the immediate family (sisters, sister in laws) also contritbute is they can afford it.

This story hits a sore point for me though. My family is great when it comes to who pays for what, but my friends....now that's another story.

I love my friends, but they lack some manners sometimes. I have a friend who asked me to threw a going away party for her. Just the "girls". Well the girls turned out to be about 18 girls. The older ladies at work offered to bring something, which I politely declined. The rest of the bunch offered nothing, which is fine. My problem is the friend I threw the party for never said thanks She is my closest friend and I know she was just a wreck from having to move 700 miles away the next day, but I didn't expect to fell like she didn't appreciate the party. I really didn't have the money to throw a last minute party for 18, but I did it. My friends are BIG wine drinkers and I knew that this party was going to cost me. Oh well....live and learn. The good part of all this is we now have a place to vacation in NC

Another friend got her first apartment a couple of months ago. She invited everyone over. I called to ask her what time. She told me when, and then proceeded to say "And YOU can bring the wine". WHAT? I was shocked. I said "No, I won't be able to". Talk about bad manners. I did bring a house warming gift.

If I were you I would stop going to the showers if expected to help pay for them. If that isn't an option, consider a gift that costs less and put the other money towards your "dish to pass". If anyone questions the "cheap" gift I would explain that you only had so much set aside to spend for that event.

I was raised with the idea that....If you can't afford to pay for the party on your own, don't have it.

post #4 of 8
I've never hosted a bridal shower, and didn't get one myself. I have attended a few, the Maid/Matron of Honor and or Bride's Maids were the ones who hosted them. Seems like your in-laws have their own way of handling these events, but IMHO the main rule of thumb should be to do what you are able.

You asked if we think you are being stubborn?

I'm not sure, guess it depends on the reason that you don't want to go along with the in-laws traditions. If it is because you can't afford the expenses, or if you really can not physically participate by making a dish to bring along...then I would say no, you're not being stubborn. Don't let your relatives bully you into something you can't afford or physically do. But, be sure to let the person who is coordinating know the reason why so there are no misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

If the reason is that you just think it should be done another way, that they don't need monetary participation, or you believe they are breaking basic rules of etiquette and need to "Do it the RIGHT way"... then I would say maybe you are being a little stubborn. To keep the peace, maybe you could just go with the flow. You know there is something to that old saying, "When in Rome, do what the Romans do!"

Either way, do what YOU want to do, and enjoy the party! Here's a good link for Bridal Shower Etiquette...

post #5 of 8
I am very blunt. I would just say, "I thought the person who is having the affair is supposed to pay for the food, why are you asking ME to pay, I don't understand" Also I would say, "if I were having a party I would not ask YOU to help pay for it"
If they have the nerve to do such a thing, one must have the nerve to stand up to them. JMHO
post #6 of 8
I am no expert on bridal showers but I heard a horrific story the other day from a friend - one of her friends had died and her daughter was arranging the funeral. On the cards she sent out she said everyone who attended would be charged 14 euros ( about $20) for the food! I have never never heard of such a thing. In my opinion you provide what you can afford (and it was not as if this person couldn't afford it either).
post #7 of 8
we dont do showers in the uk (luckily) as they sound expensive,we have bring a bottle partys where u just bring a couple of bottles of booze,but thats about it
post #8 of 8
I've hosted numerous baby showers and a few bridal showers (Never had one myself tho) and attended more than I wanted to. I did some research to shut up one of the mother-in-laws so according to Miss Manners:

Bridal showers are hosted by the bridal party. The mothers of the couple may donate toward the party. Baby showers are hosted by the mothers of the couple, or by a volunteering close relative (ie: I hosted one sister's baby shower as the godmother). The hosts have the responsibility of paying for the party. HOWEVER, if the family of the host is willing, it can be shared with either pot-luck (meals to pass) or donations.

When my youngest sister had her baby shower, my mom knew I was a college student paying my way thru college on a part time job. She contacted my brother-in-law's mother and asked her to chip in. We split the shower 3 ways. The witch actually had the nerve at the shower to LOUDLY complain that my other sister wasn't chipping in. It was explained to her in the beginning that it would be just the 3 of us. And if MY sister was chipping in, why weren't HER daughters chipping in too?? So thats why I did the research.
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