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Mother in Law? (sigh)

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
Ok, I'm a bit freaked out here, so bear with me.

Night before last (tues, Jan 2) my son called and said
"Mom, what are you doing tomorrow?"
I said "Nothing, why?"
He said "Wanna go to a wedding?"
I said (gulping) "Whose?"

You guessed it...

He said "Mine"

Long story short...
The "wedding" was at 11 the next day, I went, met all 15 to 20 of my new family, and tried to look and act happy.

They came over the night he called and I gave my new daughter in law a dress to wear for the wedding...she's 2 1/2 months pregnant but I had a beautiful stretch lace knee length dress that fit her perfectly.
I'm not happy about this, but they seem to be, so I can only hope for the best and be as supportive as possible...right?

They had an in home wedding, with a lady minister...very small, just immediate family...but thats quite a bit on their side. I was the only one there from my sons side.

My real problem is not that they got married, or that she's pregnant...it's that they have only known each other for 4 months....
Am I being bitchy...or does this seem too fast to any of you?

Ok, its late and I probably should have waited til morning topost this...but its bugging me.

Any and all opinions are welcome, no offense taken , I promise.
post #2 of 21
I have a son and I wouldn't be happy about this either. It is fast, but let them have a chance. It could work out for the best, your son might be very happy with a wonderful marriage and a wonderful family.
post #3 of 21

You're not being bitchy at all. What I sense is you being a very concerned parent. Admirable of your son to step up and take responsibility for his actions. You're right, in my opinion, that 4 months is hardly a "get to know you well enough to marry" time frame. I attempted this once, without an impending birth, and it was disastrous. Fortunately, in my case, it self-destructed before "The Day". And it eventually brought me the family I have now. Okay, enough about me.

No doubt, you were and are in a sticky situation. Continue to guide them, gently. They'll need it. I've a feeling their happiness may be short lived, although I truly hope not.

post #4 of 21
Cleo, I don't think you're being bitchy at all.... just concerned, which is only right. I too think 4 months seems to be a bit quick, but since its already happened theres not alot you can do now, except be there for them and help them along as best you can. Like Lorie said, you never know it might turn out well and they will be very happy together, sure its going to be hard, but who knows?... Keep positive love and don't worry about sounding your thoughts/worries with us!! I would be feeling "awkward" too right now!!
(of course you do realise, you better not turn into "one of THOSE" kind of Mothers in law.... or I'll have beat you!! ha ha ha....)
post #5 of 21
Oh Cleo - this is a tough one. I remember everyone saying my marriage would not last either........now 26 years later !

Time will determine this outcome. I can certainly understand why you are a little overwhelmed by this whole situation though. Sounds like it came right out of the blue for you!
post #6 of 21
You're a mother - it's is your right to be concerned. It will be difficult for them, new marraige, new baby - a lot of pressure. All you can do is be supportive & pray for the best. Whether they are ready or not they are about to become parents themselves & you are about to be a grandmother. I became engaged to my husband only after 3 months of dating. With us though, we had been friends for 2 years befor dating. We also waited almost 2 years before the wedding. We have now been married for over 5 yrs.
post #7 of 21
It is admirable that you have brought up your son to believe in the values he is now embracing. He got the girl in trouble, so he is doing the honorable thing. My suspicious (watching to much Jerry Springer at times, mind) wonders if the baby is really his, but then my mind re-focuses and says, a child can fare better with two adults who love and care for him/her so they are giving this child that chance. Many kids would not do this, especially now when living together is so common.

Courage Cleo, my friend met her husband the last week in high school, they knew each other 2 weeks, married much to the horror of her family and we have stayed in touch. They just celebrated 25 years together, have 2 beautiful daughters and a great life! It can happen!
post #8 of 21
oh dear my brother was engaged for 7 years and out of the blue turned up one saturday covered in confetti,he had got married and told no-
poor mum took to her bed for a week,until she got over it!!!!!!

i on the other hand met my husband was pregnant within 3 months,but have been happily married 20 years this july,

post #9 of 21

I remember you going through this not to long ago. Not the wedding but the pregnancy. I don't think there is anything wrong with your reaction. It's perfectly natural.

At the risk of being presumptious, I'm guessing it's not so much the 'out of the blue' wedding, as it is the arrival of a new baby without the stability. Sure it's done everyday, and the results are some times positive, but life is SO hard anyway, without the added roadblocks.

Last I remember you giving an update on Shane, he and his EX had just broken up, moved out of their apartment and you inherited Gilligan (who now has a new home). So I know you must be worried about how this new family is going to get by. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't. I just know that things always have a way of working themselves out, and that everything happens for a reason.

post #10 of 21
OK - you were blind sided and I must say it is a lot to deal with at one time. NO, you are not BITCHY, just concerned but also supportive to your son. Something that is VERY admirable. All I can say is be there in case they/he need(s) you and hope for the best!!

Good luck grandma!
post #11 of 21
Well, hubby and I knew on our first date that things were different between us than with other folks we'd dated. We were engaged within a month, got pregnant (I'd been told by many doctors that I couldn't have children so we were only concerned about health and didn't take the proper precautions), and moved the wedding up 6 months.

Now I don't recommend this and if any of my girlfriends told me this story, I'd let them know they were nuts.

And there are things we are working out now that I wish we'd had time to discuss before the wedding.

Yes, we are having problems, but I think a lot of them are about communication or lack of it, not because we "rushed" into it.
post #12 of 21

Life always happens when you're making plans. And kids always have a tendency, as much as we love and care for them, to pull the rug out from under us when we least expect it. All I can do is tell you to smile, be the best mother-in-law you can be, and go with the flow. If it doesn't work out, be there for your son. I wish you alot of love and luck at your new found status as M-I-L and soon to be granny.

post #13 of 21

I of course understand how shocked you were. But all I can say concurs with the other people who responded on this post.

What is, is. This happened. It might work out for the best, and they may have a very wonderful marriage, and you will be a very happy Grandma! You might really like your daughter-in-law as you get to know her.

My advice is to just go with the flow. Be there for them. They need support, a child is a lot to deal with.

Not to upset you, but your son has his own life. He has to make his decisions, whether they are right or mistakes. You need to just be there for him, and the family he now has. Don't hold a grudge, resentment only comes from that.

Just show them the love you feel for your son, and think of hte wonderful little grandchild you will have.

I hope you come to be more at ease with this situation.
post #14 of 21
I do not think you are being bitchy at all.
But, I got married at 19. I had only known my now husband David for about 4 months I discovered I was pregnant. We married, and it worked out fine. We have been married for almost 7 years now and have 2 children. It may not be the easiest road for them to take, but there is a very good chance that it was meant to be this way.

Try to get to know your new Daughter-in-law as well as you can. She will be the mother of your grandchild afterall. And she is probably a great gal who is dealing with A LOT right now. Imagine how she must feel, being pregnant and finding herself a married girl all of a sudden!! You have a wonderful son who is willing to take responsibility for his actions and be a real man. Kudos to him, and to her too.
The more support you offer, the best it will be. And your son and grandchild will respect you for it. All of you are in my prayers.
post #15 of 21
I don't think you are being bitchy, either. 4 months just isn't very long, to get to really know someone. Hopefully it will work out okay, though. Keep us posted, my thoughts are with you!!!
post #16 of 21
I don't think you are being bitchy, either. Hopefully, everything will work out just great for your son & his new wife. While I don't have any kids yet, 4 months is a little early to be married, without really knowing each other, but things may turn out just fine .... Look at some of the others who have posted and had a similar situation, and they are just fine. What is your new daughter-in-law like? I think it's great your son is taking the responsibility.
post #17 of 21
No, you aren't being bitchy. Yes, it is kind of quick. That's a lot to handle for anyone. Your son and his new wife should be commended for "doing the right thing". Too many young people are having children before getting married or never getting married at all. I think the world was a much better place when there was a stigma attatched to unwed motherhood. "I'm a single mommy" is apparently supposed to be the magic words to get irresponsible young women any consideration they think they deserve. I hope your son and his bride have a healthy, beautiful baby and a long happy life together. Congratulations to your family.
post #18 of 21

My brother met a girl and was married in two weeks! So, it was really kinda scary for us too. They were married for eight years! They're divorced now, but they have a beautiful son! My brother's a great father and things worked out. I think it's great that your son's a responsible man!

I don't think you're a bitch at all...definitely just concerned for your son and rightly so.

Just my 2 cents...

post #19 of 21

I am generally just a 'lurker' but I wanted to say to you that the same thing happened to me as with your son. I met my husband in August of '96, had our first date in September of '96, got pregnant in December of '96 (I was 18), miscarried, and married in February of '97. My mother was apalled that I was pregnant in the first place, of course, but even more apalled that after I miscarried my husband wanted to marry me anyway...and that I wanted the same thing. We are still married and are planning on being married for a long time to come. We have had some problems that just came with growing, I think, but I wouldn't change anything for the world. My mother came to terms with everything after she found that I was really happy with my life and my M-I-L is wonderful. I know it was hard on my and his family that we only knew each other for 6 months, but it was just something we knew was right. I hope you will be okay with everything, and I really hope your son and daughter-in-law will be very happy.

Good Luck!
post #20 of 21
Thread Starter 
Wow...I never expected this much response to this post...thank you everyone! This really reminds me why I love this site so much...so many wonderful, supportive people!

When I posted this, I just wanted to give the basics, and so I kept it very brief. Theres a lot more to this story, as Colby and a few others know.

See, my son's prior girlfriend also became pregnant while they were living together in the apartment I set them up in. She miscarried, and since neither of them was working they were evicted. They stayed "together" until just a few months ago, when he met his new love.
Less than a month after he and the old girlfriend split up, his new girl got pregnant.
Again, neither of them is working, she lives with her Grandmother and a few other family members.
My son was basically homeless, as after taking him in many times with no positive results, I finally just told him he needed to fend for himself...I was only making it easy for him to continue doing nothing to improve himself. It broke my heart and I worried constantly, but I really feel it was the right thing to do. I still let him spend a night or 2 a week, get a hot meal, and shower, but the rest of the time he "couch cruised" at friends homes.

His wifes Grandmother has told them they can stay with her until they get on their feet, and I hope they do this quickly, but I really fear for them.
She had a child 3 years ago, which she gave up for adoption, and I admire her for that although I don't know the exact circumstances...I feel it was probably the best for everyone...especially the child.

She and I get along fine, and I am trying to be supportive, but with both of their track records it's difficult.

Anyway, sorry to ramble, but I just wanted you all to know why I sounded so negative, and to say Thank You again for the support.

I'm praying they will be happy and secure, and that the baby will be healthy and well taken care of.
post #21 of 21
Diane, I completly understand where you are coming from. There are more than a couple situations like this in my extended family. It's always stressful on all involved because everyone has to pick up the slack because when there are childern involved it's very hard to say 'well you made your bed, now lie in it!'

I can tell you with my sister, my dad bent over backwards to accomodate them. Let them move into his house (he was living with his girlfriend) and only asked them to pay $200 of the $550 morgage. Long story short they ended up trashing the house, taking advantage of my dad and causing a tremendous strain in our family. They now live with his mother (they have 2 small children) and are barely sqeaking by. I tried to help all I could but I finally had to step away because it was an unhealthy situation. And you're right, you can't continue to be an inabler. They continue to take advantage of anyone who will help and don't take responsbility for their own family. My grandmother continues to help them pay the morgage, and just bought them a brand new refrigerator when theirs broke. She can't stand the thought of her granddaughter and 2 great grandchildren to not getting by. Subsequently my brother in law won't keep a job. Why should he? My sisters family bails them out everytime.

Anyway I just wanted to say I understand that it's not simply the quickness of the wedding, but the circumstances in which they are going to be living and raising a child that is troublesome.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here. Even though I haven't been in the 'mother' position, I have been there, done that. And I know only too well the toll it took on my dad. In fact to this day he and my sister don't speak.
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