TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Opinions welcome, please! (long)
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Opinions welcome, please! (long)

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 
Hi, ya'll! I am back from the most awful trip that can only be classified as hell on Earth! I was and still am a little sick for the past 5 days. I couldnt even move off of the couch. Not even when my kittens used me as a human trampoline, and a speed bump in their daily ritual of "you-cant-catch-me-ha-ha". I literally wanted to die. So, I am partly wondering if my irritation is coming from the fact that I am sick or if I really do have a reason to be ticked off.
Heres the story.....two weeks ago, my sister dumped and threw out her abusive boyfriend. All well and good, she needed to do it, and shes a happier person for doing it. I offered to let her stay at my house for a few days, until she could handle going home and dealing with everything. (sidenote: she still lives with our parents, and the abusive boyfriend did too.) So, after he left, I went in the room they shared, and helped her take all of the things down that were his, removed all of the pictures, packed his things up, and did all for her, pretty much. Ever since then, shes been at my house. And so has my husbands best friend. They both have a little thing for eachother, and since her break up they have been getting to know eachother, whatever. I am fine with it. But my husbands best friend has been at our house for over a month. And before my sister ended her previous relationship, he was only sleeping at our house. Now, they are both taking showers at our house, and hes doing laundry at our house, eating dinner at our house. And theres no consideration for the toll this is taking on my husband and I. My husband works from 7am to 5:30pm, then attends night classes at college from 6:30pm to 10:00pm, which puts him home at 11:00pm. By then, all he wants to do is take a shower and go to bed. We talked to them last week and said, hey look, you know, we are letting you stay here, and we aren't asking for money to help pay the mortgage, but you have got to either 1) Take your showers BEFORE 11 at night when we are trying to sleep, or 2) take them in the second bathroom in the room you 2 are sharing, so that it doesnt disturb us. Secondly, they are taking extremely long showers, together. Ok, fine, so you are conserving water, whatever, they are both adults, and its not my deal, but 45 minutes in the shower, with the water running straight??? No, I dont pay for water, but my pump in my well is working non stop, not to mention the fact that my hot water heater is working as well. So, we asked them to cut their showers back to no longer 20 minutes. If you cant wash your hair and shave and soap up in twenty minutes, then you need to go home where the bill is yours. This worked for oh, about, 2.3 seconds. Last night, they go to the shower at 11 pm, and at midnight, my husband was pounding on the door.
I am through. I have been sick all weekend, and my husband had to take care of everything in addition to his already heavy load, and all they did was cut the grass and wash the dishes. Not enough. Theres 2 times the amount of mess! I tried to talk to my husband about it, but he just makes excuses for his friend. Personally, I would like to give ALL 3 OF THEM THE BOOT! And then I can live in a quiet, peaceful existence with my kitties. But, back to reality. To shake the pot up a little more, I may be *pregnant*. And there was a snide remark that "You can barely afford to feed your cats, let alone a kid." Not true, and none of your business. We dont discuss our finances with anyone but eachother, and we WERE comfortable in our bills until 2 moochers came along and took advantage of our good nature. And our personal decisions, are none of their business.
Now, I have NO problem packing their things and saying "Dont let the door hit you where the good Lord split you." But my husband thinks we should rationally talk to them. Yeah. Ok. Good plan.
Am I being unreasonable? I dont think so, but then I am sick and irritable anyways. I am trying to think, would it be different to me if they said ok, we are willing to pay half of the electric bill between the 2 of us, meaning they split half of the half. Would I feel differently if they gave a crap about and willlingly pitched in? Nope. I want my house back. But I need a better way to deal with it instead of going carrie the rage II on them.
Any suggestions??
post #2 of 22
Yup. Don't boot them out immediately; just give them a deadline. Say, a month. Whatever you're comfortable with, but tell them the date by which you expect them to be out. Tell them you love them and are glad you were able to help them out, but you and your husband (who MUST present a united front on this) need your privacy, especially since you may have a baby coming. Don't get angry with them OR use this time to discuss what they have been doing wrong; it won't help. Just calmly tell them when they need to be out.

In the meantime, I'd do a few things to make the remainder of their time at your house as pleasant as possible. First, since they have a bathroom to share and still insist on using yours, is to reiterate that they need to use theirs. Maybe ask them if there is a reason they don't want to. Second, every time you want them to do something, ask them specifically. I guarantee that if you have been cooking dinner every night, it is NOT going to occur to your sister to spontaneously offer.

Finally, you have a right to have your house back, for sure. Just remember not to say things you will regret. She'll be your sister forever, and it sounds like this guy may end up being your brother-in-law.
post #3 of 22
Hmmm... showering in your bathroom. Why not flush the toilet right then? It might at least get them to use the other bathroom.
post #4 of 22
Ask them to pay rent. Or have them pay the electric bill, since they're using all your hot water and running your well pump all the time.
If they won't, offer to help them find a place of their own. Maybe they're afraid to be on their own.
If you're buying and preparing meals for them, stop. The least they can do is buy and fix their own food.
Oh, and add $10 to their rent every time the shower goes over 20 minutes.
And like evnshawn said, be specific and ask them for things...some people need smacked in the face (figuratively, of course, lol) with things before they realize what a pain they're being.
post #5 of 22
I was thinking along the same lines as Evnshawn. In a calm manner, give them a deadline and stick to it. Help them find their own place if they ask. You have every right to have your own home back, and if they can't even be considerate moochers they can hit the highway.
post #6 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by valanhb
I was thinking along the same lines as Evnshawn. In a calm manner, give them a deadline and stick to it. Help them find their own place if they ask. You have every right to have your own home back, and if they can't even be considerate moochers they can hit the highway.

Yep, same here! But I agree that you have to try to stay rational and civil, because she will always be your sister.
post #7 of 22
I read alot of Ann Lander's and there have been lots of letters with this same theme.
As the others say, give them a deadline and have your husband support this decision.
You are enabling them to stay at your house and they do whatever they want. They do not seen to respect your requests and this is now starting to stress you out and you are feeling the effects. Does your sister and the friend have jobs??? Is the housing market tough that a place cannot be found. Maybe they are afraid of a committment to each other if they have to move out. You are not being a B**TCH but need to regain control of your house. Good luck.
post #8 of 22
Couldn't have said it better than Evnshawn.
post #9 of 22
I agree with many statements that were already mentioned. I don't think you're being irrational. I do think you want to discuss the options with your husband and be united on whatever you both decide. And then stick to it. I'm not sure if you want to give them the option of chosing between staying or leaving. I think you should pick one and then decide what the consequences are. Do you really want them stay or do you prefer to have your house back to you and your husband?

Perhaps I'm being a bit harsh, but you've aleady allowed them to stay and I foresee more troubles ahead by allowing them to stay. Even if they both have jobs or contribute to paying bills, is living with "stray humans" (for lack of better words) how you want to continue?
post #10 of 22
I agree with everyone else on giving them a deadline. I think it should be a month. I would also like to add, and this might come from watching too much People's Court and don't quote me on it, but I don't think you can just kick them out without notice. If they are residing in your house I think that without a 30 day notice that would be unlawful eviction..... Just something you might want to check on if it does come down to that.
post #11 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by rapunzel47
Couldn't have said it better than Evnshawn.
Yep! I agree.
And sometimes I shower with my fiancee, & an all-business, no hanky panky shower barely takes longer than 1 person doing the same thing. 10-15 minutes? Whatever they are doing in there is an incredible, inexcuseable waste of water.
post #12 of 22
I don't think it's unreasonable to want your home to yourself....but since one of my last posts on TCS was replied to with the statement "that's just MEAN", you should take my opinion with a grain of salt. I'm in menopause, and I AM mean. LOL!

You did a nice thing for your sister helping her get away from the abusive boyfriend. Now that he is out of your parents home, isn't it time that your sister goes home and back to her life? You didn't mention whether or not she is in school, or if she works or what...but surely she needs to get on track with whatever it is she does or is going to do with her life. (Please don't tell me she's 15....!)

I would talk to my sister and let her know that you are there for her, and proud of her for ditching the ex, but that you are ready to have your home back to normal. I would ask her what day next week she would like for you to take her home. If she doesn't want to go home, and you don't want roomates, then help her find a place of her own. That's when I would give a deadline (mine would be Aug.1).

Whatever the plan ends up being, I would let her know that you are happy that she and your hubby's friend are hitting it off, but that you want things to get back to normal and need privacy in your home. Also, let her know that your hubby needs his rest. Ask her if they can go to his place half of the time, or if she can respect your space and keep him in her bedroom and out of your shower when he is over late at nite. Old fuddy duddy that I am, the overnight stuff wouldn't be happening at my house...but I do realize that I am old fashioned and there are other opinions on that topic.

As for your husband's friend...I would ask hubby to handle that. You didn't say why the friend is spending the night at your house every day? Does he live at home with his parents, live in a college dorm, homeless, married or what? Regardless of where he lives, your hubby should be the one to let him know that while he is welcome to visit, spending 24 - 7 at your house is not cool.

Anyway, that's just my opinion. Good luck.
post #13 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by squirtle
I would also like to add, and this might come from watching too much People's Court and don't quote me on it, but I don't think you can just kick them out without notice. If they are residing in your house I think that without a 30 day notice that would be unlawful eviction..... Just something you might want to check on if it does come down to that.
Unless they are your tenants (on the lease, paying the bills, getting their mail there, etc.) there is no requirement to give someone a 30 notice of eviction. Guests who have overstayed their welcome can be asked to leave (in California anyway), and arrested for trespassing if they refuse.
post #14 of 22
All great advice. And if dh doesn't want to "kick them out", make sure the offer for them to start paying their fair share is high enough that they will move out!
post #15 of 22
Tell them that they have until such and such a date to get out but in the mean time, the rent is....the utilities are....etc. and have them sign an agreement. Also on the agreement put your rules on there that you want them to obey until they leave.

I've been in your shoes, we helped a guy out that worked with my hubby and in the end he dumped on us and we got screwed. He was supposed to go to work for us and didn't. He has ruined it for others who need help, I won't let anyone else stay here again.

I hope it works out for you.
post #16 of 22
Kick them out! And don't feel bad about it! That isn't really advice, but I think you have every right to be angry and put off, they are using you.
post #17 of 22
Oh, I TOTALLY feel for you. We had the same problem with a friend (albeit, very good friend) of both my husband & mine once. He needed a place for about a week, and that turned into six months! He wouldn't do his dishes (in fact, would cook something, not rinse off anything he used, and leave it on the stove for ME to clean!!). Now, granted, I'm home during the day, but I was not put on this earth to be HIS slave, ya know?

Needless to say, the dirtyness he left every place he used really started to piss me off. This dirtyness included the mess he left on the toilet (which I won't describe in detail, but will go so far as to say that I married a man that WIPES the toilet after he uses it to be sure nothing remains), the cigarette butts he would leave in the shower (yes, in the shower...how the heck he managed to smoke in the shower was, and still is, beyond me!), the dishes he would leave around, etc. etc. etc.

We tried talking to him many times, all to no avail because he would wind up doing them again after a couple days of obstaining from them. To make matters worse, he had a tendancy to override things I did with my daughter (not to let her get away with things, but trying to prohibit her from being able to have or do things that were perfectly ok) and was way too rough on our kitties when they were "naughty" (who were at the time just a couple months old). It was VERY annoying (as I see you know all about), and I had a hard time getting my husband to be united with me about it, too.

I REALLY wish I had good advice for you on this...but my problem only ended when he found somewhere else to live. The reason he even wound up at our place was because he didn't like his current roommates. Is that the reason you wound up with YOUR new flatmate? Maybe you should find out why he's so willing to remain at your place, and not just stay at his...and why he's not willing to just take her to HIS house...and then go from there. I mean, it sounds like he has somewhere to live (other than your obviously wonderful abode)...so why not LIVE there. If he wants to date your sister, he should date her on HIS TURF.

At any rate, I'm so sorry all I have to reply is that I know how you feel. I wish I had better advice for ya!
post #18 of 22
Im like a themomiter, if i reach too high i burst. Get the hint?
When its enough i would shout at them for not helping me, and having no respect for me.

and make sure you imply that this isnt a free holiday house!
post #19 of 22
Thread Starter 
Bless every single one of you that replied to this post and gave me some very helpful insight, not to mention support in my irritation!
Well, he has room mates himself and he lives in a city about 45 minutes away from us, and theres a tough situation going on at the house he rents with my brother-in-law and 2 girl friends that are on the lease, so hes been staying with us until that situation gets worked out, which it probably never will at this point, and now that hes dating my sister, hes more relunctant to go home. Hes 22 and shes 19. They both have jobs.
After I made this post, I was pretty much fired up and mad. So, I called my Mom and vented to her some more. And apparently, my father, who god love him, can turn even the worse situations into light hearted discussions, overheard my rant. So, after the vein in my neck quit ticking, I continued my drive home. About 10 minutes later, my sister calls me, and wants to know if I want her out of my house. And she sounded like a 5 year old put on candy restriction! I said why would you ask me that....and then I hear my father in the background yell "How can they make babies with ya'll there watching 'em all the time?? I want a grandbaby and it won't happen with you there!" Little does he know, right? So, I listed out the issues we were having, and told her that I really wouldnt mind flushing the toilet on them if they got to taking too long in the shower, and that I am NOT Julia Childs, and that I WILL not be a maid, or an all night restaurant. And then she and I made a decision to have a group discussion later that night. My husband got home from school early, and he talked to him and I talked to her. She realizes she needs to go home, and shes just not ready for that...but that she will work on it, and to give her this week. And that she is willing to help with the bills, and cleaning. And he said the same. And I told them both, that I felt like I was being taken advantage of. Just because I am financially stable does not mean that I want to let 2 individuals stay at my house for free. If you want that, go home. Otherwise, whatever the electric bill went up, they are paying the difference of, and rent will cost them EACH $50 a week. And we will alternate what weeks who buys groceries. And they will help feed my sharks...er, my kittens. (Trust me, when they are hungry....its like jumping in a pirranah tank, with steak tied to your ankles. ) And until Haylee Marie has climbed bare skin...well, they havent lived. So, I think we have to come to an agreement and on Sunday, they have to go home for a couple of nights. And they both understood, so there are no hard feelings. And there shouldnt have been anyways. I did everything I could to make this situation easy for my sister, but my good nature will only go so far. And Dad really made the decision for me. I was going to talk to my husband before we talked about it. But then Dad did what he did and as usual it turned out fine. And there was no bloodshed. No tears. A lot of laughing and joking, but I am pretty confident that they understand.
Thank you guys so much for all of the support and helpful advice, its really appreciated.
post #20 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by evnshawn
Yup. Don't boot them out immediately; just give them a deadline. Say, a month. Whatever you're comfortable with, but tell them the date by which you expect them to be out. Tell them you love them and are glad you were able to help them out, but you and your husband (who MUST present a united front on this) need your privacy, especially since you may have a baby coming. Don't get angry with them OR use this time to discuss what they have been doing wrong; it won't help. Just calmly tell them when they need to be out.

In the meantime, I'd do a few things to make the remainder of their time at your house as pleasant as possible. First, since they have a bathroom to share and still insist on using yours, is to reiterate that they need to use theirs. Maybe ask them if there is a reason they don't want to. Second, every time you want them to do something, ask them specifically. I guarantee that if you have been cooking dinner every night, it is NOT going to occur to your sister to spontaneously offer.

Finally, you have a right to have your house back, for sure. Just remember not to say things you will regret. She'll be your sister forever, and it sounds like this guy may end up being your brother-in-law.
You are right. In everything you say. They want to use my bathroom because I have th jacuzzi like tub and the shower head massager thingy. So, its a spoiled thing, I think. And, hopefully, he will end up my brother-in-law. If I dont beat them down.

And I already contemplated flushing the toilet

Quote:
Yep! I agree.
And sometimes I shower with my fiancee, & an all-business, no hanky panky shower barely takes longer than 1 person doing the same thing. 10-15 minutes? Whatever they are doing in there is an incredible, inexcuseable waste of water.
Hanky panky, huh? You are so right. Thats how I feel about it.

lakeriedog, I dont think anything you said is mean. And you are right. No, she isnt 15, shes 19, and old enough to know the rules.

maherwoman, I know what you are experiencing. Especially with the messy bathroom. Its gross. Clean it up. I dont want to. And you arent anyones slave, well maybe your cats, but not HIS. Good for you. I am glad hes gone.
post #21 of 22
Speaking from an advocate's point of view, your sister needs to be empowered at this moment. That is the most crucial part of helping someone who has left an abusive relationship. They have had their power and control zapped by another person; it is time for her to take that power back.
Immediately getting so intimate with your husband's friend (even if he is a wonderful guy) probably won't be terribly helpful but hey, that is her decision and right now she needs to make decisions for herself.
I will say that it will be best for you AND your sister if you ask her to go back home OR to find a place of her own. She really needs to do things for herself now and you are now in a good position to help her with that..
I hope what I just said makes sense. And congrats on the possible pregnancy
post #22 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by diane8704
Bless every single one of you that replied to this post and gave me some very helpful insight, not to mention support in my irritation!
And there was no bloodshed. No tears. A lot of laughing and joking, but I am pretty confident that they understand. [/color][/font]
Thank you guys so much for all of the support and helpful advice, its really appreciated.
I'm so glad to hear that everything's working out! Sounds like your dad is a great guy, just like mine! Good for you guys! It's so hard to share your home with someone, when you're used to having your own space...especially if your "houseguest" starts taking advantage of the situation. So happy to hear (er...read) you're happy again!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Cat Lounge
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Opinions welcome, please! (long)