How do you fall out of love? :-(

I won't get into too much,
but I have decided to end a long-distance relationship (1.5 yrs) because of religious issues, mainly, he is Muslim, I am not nor do I plan to be or want my children to be (which is not an option in Islam).

But I'm head over heels still totally in love with him. I don't "want" to break up with him, but I feel like I have to, to protect us from troubles in the future that I know will occur regarding his religion. He is still totally in love with me too, and is begging me not to end this.

So...that being said - how do I fall out of love?

Logic Use your head.
It sounds like you might have a "forbidden love" thing going on.
That can be very sexy until you...
spend a lot of time with his family,
take care of him when he has the flu...
the "runs" are always a great reality check.
Just take your time...the "head over heels" high will wear off.
Then you can make your decision...
it will be easy then, because it will feel right to you.

Originally Posted by xocats

Logic Use your head.
It sounds like you might have a "forbidden love" thing going on.
That can be very sexy until you...
spend a lot of time with his family,
take care of him when he has the flu...
the "runs" are always a great reality check.

Just take your time...the "head over heels" high will wear off.
Then you can make your decision...
it will be easy then, because it will feel right to you.

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But after 1.5 years and still be totally in love? Taking care of him when he has the flu/runs/whatever would be fine in my eyes. I am breaking up with him not because of who he is, but what his religion is, and how I don't agree with it.
which doesn't make any sense because he is a great representation of his religion, but i still don't like it.

What will his religion require of you that you can't or won't do?

But Journey, dear, his religion IS part of who he is! I am sure the courage of his convictions is part of the attraction, but if those convictions include a requirement that you change yours in order to have a family, are you prepared to sacrifice who YOU are in order to continue? I know how much it hurts, believe me, but this is not something you change your mind about overnight, nor should you.
It sounds like you have a good idea where you want your future to lead, and you understand, in your mind, that this will not be possible in this relationship. It will only get worse for your heart AND his if you prolong this in the vain hope that one of you will eventually give in. Even if one of you did, you would eventually wind up resenting the other for "making" you give up your convictions, and that will only end in heartache, for you, him and your families. A little heartache now would be much preferred to a huge hullabaloo later.
coming your way. I know your hurt, but I also know you will get thru it. REmember your friends here at TCS are here to listen and support you.

Originally Posted by Talon

What will his religion require of you that you can't or won't do?

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wow - that is such a long story. Let's just leave it at - I simply cannot be with a muslim, and I don't want my kids to believe in Islam AT ALL. I totally disagree with it. To me it is a cult.
So you must wonder why we got together in the first place? Well, i was working in Saudi Arabia and was only given the "good, glossed over" information about Islam.
when I came back to Canada, I did lots of research on my own, read their book (Quran), etc., and did NOT like what i found.

Originally Posted by RicaLynn

It sounds like you have a good idea where you want your future to lead, and you understand, in your mind, that this will not be possible in this relationship. It will only get worse for your heart AND his if you prolong this in the vain hope that one of you will eventually give in. Even if one of you did, you would eventually wind up resenting the other for "making" you give up your convictions, and that will only end in heartache, for you, him and your families. A little heartache now would be much preferred to a huge hullabaloo later.

coming your way. I know your hurt, but I also know you will get thru it. REmember your friends here at TCS are here to listen and support you.

Click to expand...

thank you.

To get to your original question... it's hard. You just have to remember WHY you're ending this... and remember it on a regular basis. And it'll take some time but soon it'll happen, you know?

Good luck with everything... that's hard.

All that I can say is that it will take time. I broke it off with a young man after a year and a half- and it took a good six months before I finally felt "normal." It was hard for me to do despite knowing that it was the best thing for me to do. My situation had to do with drug abuse and abuse that was developing as a result. That is different, but I think that religion is a valid reason to break off a relationship. My faith is something that defines me and most aspects of my life- I would have a very hard time dating anyone who wasn't a liberal Christian. The strain on the relationship would be too difficult for me (I realize that for others this may not be an issue). Just remember what you feel will happen in the future if you were to stay with him and keep that in mind whenever you start having pangs. Eventually your feelings will become less and less, but it will take time. Remember that someday he will find an amazing Muslim woman.

I guess what I'm so sad about is that - what if it all worked out in the end if we just stayed together? I mean, I consider(ed) him my soul mate, the "one" if you will. What if I'm throwing it all away for nothing?
How can I predict the future....I guess I can't.

No, sweetie, you can't predict the future. And if you are already having second thoughts about the difference in religion, you ARE NOT his soulmate. YOUR soulmate would never have you change who you are (your religion) in order to have a relationship with you. Nor would his. You BOTH deserve to be cherished just as you are. I know it's impossible to believe right now, but keep reminding yourself of that.

All I can say is, the endorphines of a new relationship last for 3-4 years, at which point they give out. 1.5 years is commendable, but you are still able to justify, rationalize and explain what you find in-general to be unacceptable but are OK in this person. Doing the same at six years is different than at 2 years. If you know that his religion is unacceptable, then please act. It is difficult to do so, I know, but it is better in the long run than raising kids in a religion you do not believe in.

You sound really convinced that you could not raise children with this guy under his religious beliefs. To me, as painful as it feels to break up while you both still love one another so much...please do not set your differences aside thinking they will eventually work themselves out. Just imagine the pain and confusion your child(ren) will endure if you were to throw caution to the wind. I do believe it is possible to carry on a healthy relationship with someone of another religion..but you cannot tolerate his religious views now as it is.

Good luck to you however you choose to deal with such a difficult situation.

There are many different ways of practising Islam, just as there are many ways of practising Christianity, Judaism or any other religion. You can read and interpret the Bible or the Quran in a number of ways. Obviously two extreme believers in different religions will not get on together, but it sounds as if you have made things work for quite a while. Here in Bosnia, despite the ethnic/religious wars 10 years ago (which were really politics masquerading as religion) there are lots of mixed marriages which really work. I have a number of friends in Christian/Muslim marriages of many years' standing who are very happy. Have you really sat down with him and discussed all this openly? It is amazing how many people get married without even discussing fundamental questions like whether they want children or what their political views are! Whatever you do, I hope you make the right decision, but it is not one to be made in a hurry. best wishes.

Jenny, you said exactly what I was thinking!

Religion is a lot down to personal interpretation and the way of life is often more linked to tradition as opposed to religious belief.

I too have a numer of friends in mixed relationships - that work because they discuss the problems! Have you discussed with him if he would be willing for you to stay Christian if you were to get married? He could possibly have a different view on religion and tradition than his parents. Do his parents know about your relationship?

I do understand that this situation is difficult!

but sweetie, you love him for him, not for what his religion requires him to be. Love always finds a way to win out.

Well said, Beckiboo! I was thinking and I wanted to add that many people believe there are many paths to God and can easily live with someone else's direction to Him, maybe even learning and enriching their own lives in the process. Others, who believe that their own path is the only way, cannot do this. You have to discuss the issue with your boyfriend and find out how narrow each of you believes the path to be. And, as already said above, all religions have a great deal of tradition/culture surrounding them that is not part of actual doctrine. Find out your boyfriend's attitudes to his particular culture, and also examine your own.

First of all, journey, let me say that I completely understand what you are going thru... I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 and a half years last year and it was a very hard decision to make... We had the exact same problem that you and your boyfriend do... He is Jewish and I'm Catholic... While neither of us are very religious, we both have our ideas of how we'd like to raise our children according to our own religion... I played with the idea of converting to Judaism and then I realized that I would not be happy giving up my religion and I would eventually resent him for expecting me to... We came up with every idea of how to live with the cultural and religious differences and, as much as I was willing to compromise, he was not... In the end it was a combination of our religious differences and other things that ended our relationship...

HannahJ said it best "the endorphines of a new relationship last for 3-4 years, at which point they give out. 1.5 years is commendable, but you are still able to justify, rationalize and explain what you find in-general to be unacceptable but are OK in this person. Doing the same at six years is different than at 2 years. If you know that his religion is unacceptable, then please act." Right now you feel that you are perfect for each other, but like me and my ex, you will inevitably realize years from now, when you think of marriage and children, that it was an impossible situation and you should have ended it sooner... What you should realize is that you actually have the opportunity to end the romantic relationship at a point where you can still remain good friends...

I could go on but I'll leave it at that for now... Feel free to PM or email me if you need to talk.. We're always here to listen and I'd be happy to lend my ear... Mainly because I wish I had someone to tell me these things when I was going through the same situation...

Wow!
I woke up this morning to see all these amazing responses....thank you.

First of all I have to state that I practice no religion. I do believe that there is a God (or a higher power), but not what everyone thinks of him/her/whatever. I am comfortable not knowing.
My beliefs tend to lean towards Buddhism and quantum physics.

He is strictly religious - he was born in raised in Saudi Arabia, one of the most restricted, highly religious Islamic places in the world. He will not compromise on anything.

But we have discussed in detail future situations with our children and I was surprised at cool he was about things. I asked him about X-mas, etc., he said it was fine as long as I didn't attach religious significance to the holidays.

But the one question we both couldn't answer was - what happens when he tells our children one thing about hellfire, God, etc., and I tell them its not true, or something different?

Religion is his daily life, his whole way of being. It's so not mine. This is why I think there will be problems. I don't WANT my children to believe what he believes, and I will be heartbroken if they do. Situation reversed, so will he.

What will happen is that one person will have to give and compromise more than they want, and that's not fair to either one of us.

i'm scared. I have never ever met anyone like him before. He was everything, EVERYTHING i was looking for. I am 31 and have had my share of relationships, and to be honest no one even comes close to him. Will I ever find such a person again? I doubt it......