I'm sorry, I just have to let it out, I have cried all evening while reading all your stories about your little companions who have "crossed the bridge" and I keep thinking about my sweet oliver. i just want to write about what happened. it won't bring him back, it's no different from any other story, but i still have to do it.
my boyfriend knows i adore cats, almost more than new born babies i would say, and one day about 3 weeks ago he said "let's go and get one, come on" it was the biggest gift he could give me, and he made me so happy i thought i would burst. the owner of a pound happened to have two kittens that he was giving away, we prefered a male, and this one was just 2 months old, orange, and adorable. we went to pick him up, and he was instantly purring and crawling all over me. i fell in love immediately. little did i know what we were all in for, oliver especially. his sister, a black kitten, was very sick, had thrown up, the owner said, but i had no idea about infections, diseases or anything, i just wanted to take oliver home and love him and take care of him.
at home instantly he was playing, purring, rubbing his little head on my face, talking to me, jumping into my lap, following me around. at night he wouldn't sleep anywhere but next to me. oliver was sneezing and had a runny nose. i didn't realize, nor did i know what upper respiratory infections were...a few days later just to be sure he was okay and see if he needed anything we took him to the vet. he had already been treated for worms. he had a high fever but was still eating and playing and purring away. they gave us a cream for his eyes just in case, antibiotics and a treatment called "aereosol" here in italy, which helps to clear up breathing. they said we had caught it in time.
we treated him everyday, used a syringe to give him his food because he had stopped eating completely. we did everything just as the vet had told us to. then he stopped purring and didn't want to be anywhere but on my lap. he slept and slept, always by my side. he was still so affectionate and lovable. i may seem silly, but i felt important to him, i felt as though he depended on me, and most of all, that he loved me.
then he vomited once and had diarrea. immediately we took him back to the vet and they said that we had to leave him with them because they needed to give him fluids I.V. because he wasn't eating. Contemporaneously he developed ulcers inside his little mouth. they said they had to keep him until they got him a bit stronger, but they said it would take time. we trusted them, they did everything they could for him. we went and visited everyday, and everyday oliver looked the same, skinny and sad. and he would come and sit next to me when i would visit and look into my eyes. his face was all dirty with creams and stuuf they used and he had bandages on his little legs because of the needle. he looked like he was suffering so much. i couldn't understand why this had to happen to him, why was god letting this happen to him? he was so small and defenceless. and all alone in that place, isolated because of his virus. i cried so hard, for so many nights, after every visit to the vet, for days. he just wasn't getting any better or any worse. i had a terrible feeling inside that something was going to happen, and i was right. the vet called us, so we know it was bad news. on the fifth day he collapsed. he was going into a coma, and wasn't responding to anything. had he not had all the treatment at the vet he would already have been dead. but he fought so hard to stay alive...they gave him oxygen and painkillers, he was suffering. it had spread through his whole little fragile body. we went there immediately to see him. she went to get oliver and i heard him miao from the hallway, he was crying. he was lying flat on his side, head down, eyes glossed over, a skeleton. i stroked him so gently, i don't even know if he felt it. i did all i could not to cry, and i knew my boyfriend was suffering just as much as i was, maybe even more, because he knew how horrible it all was for me, only he knew how much i loved that little kitten. i knew that would be the last time i would ever see him. i put my finger under his paw and he clutched gently it for a second, just like he did when he was at home with me....that made a tear slide down my face, and that's when i realized that it was time to say goodbye. i would have never left his side, but i had to, i couldn't stay there all day and bother the veterinarians. i think this was the mmost devastating moment i have ever lived, to feel that little paw clutch me ever so slightly....and now i doubt that i did the right thing.....
the vet suggested to wait and see how the day went, if he reacts or if there is any sign of improvement we would wait the night. if not.....she said it was almost 100 % certain that he wouldn't make it anyhow. she was honest. but she let us decide. so we waited the day, the afternoon. then she called, saying that the situation was not a nice one. oliver was dying. we told her that it was time for him to stop suffering. at 7 p.m they put him to sleep. they said it was better that way, he died with people who had cared for him, while stroking him and talking to him. i couldn't bring myself to be there, i just sat at home staring at the wall, my eyes burning they were so dry. i didn't have anymore tears left to cry, but my heart was screaming with pain.
god, i don't know if it was the right thing to do, i had never had to make that kind of decision in my life and i felt so cruel. now i am afraid that maybe he would have made it.....he was heavily drugged when we went to visit the last time, could he have made it? i will never know. i guess i have to trust what the vet told us...he wasn't going to get any better. i couldn't handle the pain, it hurt so much, and i felt awful when i agreed to getting a new kitten shortly after....i love oscar just as much, but why do i still feel so bad? i felt awful because it seemed brutal to just "replace" the loss with another kitten. and now oscar has diarrea and strange secretions and i just don't know...why is everything so hard, what am i doing wrong? i am so careful, i try to do everything perfectly.....what's wrong??
i'll never know if what i did was right or wrong. all i know is that i will never forget oliver, never. he was unique, at least he was for me.
sorry it was so long and thanks to anyone who had the patience to read it all.
the wound may heal eventually....but it will leave a scar.
my boyfriend knows i adore cats, almost more than new born babies i would say, and one day about 3 weeks ago he said "let's go and get one, come on" it was the biggest gift he could give me, and he made me so happy i thought i would burst. the owner of a pound happened to have two kittens that he was giving away, we prefered a male, and this one was just 2 months old, orange, and adorable. we went to pick him up, and he was instantly purring and crawling all over me. i fell in love immediately. little did i know what we were all in for, oliver especially. his sister, a black kitten, was very sick, had thrown up, the owner said, but i had no idea about infections, diseases or anything, i just wanted to take oliver home and love him and take care of him.
at home instantly he was playing, purring, rubbing his little head on my face, talking to me, jumping into my lap, following me around. at night he wouldn't sleep anywhere but next to me. oliver was sneezing and had a runny nose. i didn't realize, nor did i know what upper respiratory infections were...a few days later just to be sure he was okay and see if he needed anything we took him to the vet. he had already been treated for worms. he had a high fever but was still eating and playing and purring away. they gave us a cream for his eyes just in case, antibiotics and a treatment called "aereosol" here in italy, which helps to clear up breathing. they said we had caught it in time.
we treated him everyday, used a syringe to give him his food because he had stopped eating completely. we did everything just as the vet had told us to. then he stopped purring and didn't want to be anywhere but on my lap. he slept and slept, always by my side. he was still so affectionate and lovable. i may seem silly, but i felt important to him, i felt as though he depended on me, and most of all, that he loved me.
then he vomited once and had diarrea. immediately we took him back to the vet and they said that we had to leave him with them because they needed to give him fluids I.V. because he wasn't eating. Contemporaneously he developed ulcers inside his little mouth. they said they had to keep him until they got him a bit stronger, but they said it would take time. we trusted them, they did everything they could for him. we went and visited everyday, and everyday oliver looked the same, skinny and sad. and he would come and sit next to me when i would visit and look into my eyes. his face was all dirty with creams and stuuf they used and he had bandages on his little legs because of the needle. he looked like he was suffering so much. i couldn't understand why this had to happen to him, why was god letting this happen to him? he was so small and defenceless. and all alone in that place, isolated because of his virus. i cried so hard, for so many nights, after every visit to the vet, for days. he just wasn't getting any better or any worse. i had a terrible feeling inside that something was going to happen, and i was right. the vet called us, so we know it was bad news. on the fifth day he collapsed. he was going into a coma, and wasn't responding to anything. had he not had all the treatment at the vet he would already have been dead. but he fought so hard to stay alive...they gave him oxygen and painkillers, he was suffering. it had spread through his whole little fragile body. we went there immediately to see him. she went to get oliver and i heard him miao from the hallway, he was crying. he was lying flat on his side, head down, eyes glossed over, a skeleton. i stroked him so gently, i don't even know if he felt it. i did all i could not to cry, and i knew my boyfriend was suffering just as much as i was, maybe even more, because he knew how horrible it all was for me, only he knew how much i loved that little kitten. i knew that would be the last time i would ever see him. i put my finger under his paw and he clutched gently it for a second, just like he did when he was at home with me....that made a tear slide down my face, and that's when i realized that it was time to say goodbye. i would have never left his side, but i had to, i couldn't stay there all day and bother the veterinarians. i think this was the mmost devastating moment i have ever lived, to feel that little paw clutch me ever so slightly....and now i doubt that i did the right thing.....
the vet suggested to wait and see how the day went, if he reacts or if there is any sign of improvement we would wait the night. if not.....she said it was almost 100 % certain that he wouldn't make it anyhow. she was honest. but she let us decide. so we waited the day, the afternoon. then she called, saying that the situation was not a nice one. oliver was dying. we told her that it was time for him to stop suffering. at 7 p.m they put him to sleep. they said it was better that way, he died with people who had cared for him, while stroking him and talking to him. i couldn't bring myself to be there, i just sat at home staring at the wall, my eyes burning they were so dry. i didn't have anymore tears left to cry, but my heart was screaming with pain.
god, i don't know if it was the right thing to do, i had never had to make that kind of decision in my life and i felt so cruel. now i am afraid that maybe he would have made it.....he was heavily drugged when we went to visit the last time, could he have made it? i will never know. i guess i have to trust what the vet told us...he wasn't going to get any better. i couldn't handle the pain, it hurt so much, and i felt awful when i agreed to getting a new kitten shortly after....i love oscar just as much, but why do i still feel so bad? i felt awful because it seemed brutal to just "replace" the loss with another kitten. and now oscar has diarrea and strange secretions and i just don't know...why is everything so hard, what am i doing wrong? i am so careful, i try to do everything perfectly.....what's wrong??
i'll never know if what i did was right or wrong. all i know is that i will never forget oliver, never. he was unique, at least he was for me.
sorry it was so long and thanks to anyone who had the patience to read it all.
the wound may heal eventually....but it will leave a scar.
