Men's Rules For Women
49. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
48. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
47. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
46. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
45. Butthead is the smart one.
44. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
43. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
42. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
41. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
40. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
39. Socks never constitute a gift.
38. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
37. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
36. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
35. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
34. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
33. Curley is the bald one.
32. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
31. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
30. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
29. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
28. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
27. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
26. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
24. Check your oil.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
22. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
20. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
19. Share the closet.
18. Share the bathroom.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
13. You have too many shoes.
12. You have enough clothes.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
9. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like every other cat ( Exception in my house get more cats.)
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
3. Don't make us guess.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
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Women's Rules For Men
25. The Rosie O'Donnell Show is approximately one hour long. Depending on the time of day it comes on where you live, this would be the perfect time to mow the lawn, weed the garden, tinker with the car, or any of the 20 other things we have to constantly remind you to do.
24. A Barbecue outside on the patio does not constitute a fine dinner out. (Citronella Candles do NOT set a romantic mood, either)
23. Dress to impress once in awhile. You never know, you may actually like all the other women ogling you from afar.
22. Go on, admit it. You secretly like us calling you at work.
21. Shorts and black socks with sandals is NOT sexy.
20. While we all should be in the spirit of recycling, shouldn't you give up wearing the "ripped to shreads" underwear, even if all the holes are worn just so?
19. We already know what you are thinking. Sometimes we just need clarification.
18. Don't complain about OUR vast array of shoes, and we won't pick on you about YOUR vast collection of "sneakers for every occasion".
17. Things you can help with scrubbing the bathroom, fixing things that don't need to be fixed, holding the instruction manuals while we put the new things together, and lighting a fire.
16. Shopping IS a spectator sport, and you are the lucky spectator. Accept this harsh reality, as will we when the roles reverse, say, at the local sporting goods store.
15. While the lingerie with strategic openings appeals to you, most of the time we pray the store will exchange it for something more comfortable when you're not looking.
14. How is it that men seem to lose their way to the laundry room after marriage? We know you did it before you married us, we've seen the pink underwear.
13. Sports Center comes on roughly every six hours. Plus they have continuous updates during every hour. If you miss something due to us talking to you, chances are you'll hear all about it in another 15 or so minutes, so relax.
12. We appreciate your input on most issues, but our Soap Operas aren't one of them. We already know she's the evil one, and he's screwing around. A recap complete with intervals of "I can't believe you're making me watch this" are unnecessary.
11. We know you watch Baywatch for the fine acting skills of the actors and actresses.
10. Even though you think Pamela Anderson is a babe, don't expect us to agree.
9. Women have a better sense of direction than men. Accept it.
8. When lost, getting out and asking for directions is okay. Driving around aimlessly and swearing is not.
7. Cut us some slack when we ask you questions about how sports are played and the rules. Help us understand these games better. Consider it your civic duty.
6. Beer burps are not considered a second language, even if you CAN burp the alphabet.
5. Towels dry faster when they are hung up on the towel rod, not crumpled on the floor.
4. Take time to smell the flowers. Then bring some home to remind us how much you care.
3. Psst... We're only lending you the remote... If you have kids, you know who really owns that T.V.
2. We really are the sex crazed maniacs you fell in love with. Just reset your clock to our female standard time, and you'll see what I mean.
1. Finally, don't show us where the oil goes, or the washer fluid, or even how to fix a car. This is one of the many reasons we married you.
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49. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
48. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
47. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
46. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
45. Butthead is the smart one.
44. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
43. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
42. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
41. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
40. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
39. Socks never constitute a gift.
38. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
37. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
36. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
35. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
34. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
33. Curley is the bald one.
32. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
31. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
30. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
29. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
28. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
27. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
26. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
24. Check your oil.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
22. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
20. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
19. Share the closet.
18. Share the bathroom.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
13. You have too many shoes.
12. You have enough clothes.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
9. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like every other cat ( Exception in my house get more cats.)
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
3. Don't make us guess.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
Return To Gender Wars
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This page has been formatted and archived by LaughNet.
Women's Rules For Men
25. The Rosie O'Donnell Show is approximately one hour long. Depending on the time of day it comes on where you live, this would be the perfect time to mow the lawn, weed the garden, tinker with the car, or any of the 20 other things we have to constantly remind you to do.
24. A Barbecue outside on the patio does not constitute a fine dinner out. (Citronella Candles do NOT set a romantic mood, either)
23. Dress to impress once in awhile. You never know, you may actually like all the other women ogling you from afar.
22. Go on, admit it. You secretly like us calling you at work.
21. Shorts and black socks with sandals is NOT sexy.
20. While we all should be in the spirit of recycling, shouldn't you give up wearing the "ripped to shreads" underwear, even if all the holes are worn just so?
19. We already know what you are thinking. Sometimes we just need clarification.
18. Don't complain about OUR vast array of shoes, and we won't pick on you about YOUR vast collection of "sneakers for every occasion".
17. Things you can help with scrubbing the bathroom, fixing things that don't need to be fixed, holding the instruction manuals while we put the new things together, and lighting a fire.
16. Shopping IS a spectator sport, and you are the lucky spectator. Accept this harsh reality, as will we when the roles reverse, say, at the local sporting goods store.
15. While the lingerie with strategic openings appeals to you, most of the time we pray the store will exchange it for something more comfortable when you're not looking.
14. How is it that men seem to lose their way to the laundry room after marriage? We know you did it before you married us, we've seen the pink underwear.
13. Sports Center comes on roughly every six hours. Plus they have continuous updates during every hour. If you miss something due to us talking to you, chances are you'll hear all about it in another 15 or so minutes, so relax.
12. We appreciate your input on most issues, but our Soap Operas aren't one of them. We already know she's the evil one, and he's screwing around. A recap complete with intervals of "I can't believe you're making me watch this" are unnecessary.
11. We know you watch Baywatch for the fine acting skills of the actors and actresses.
10. Even though you think Pamela Anderson is a babe, don't expect us to agree.
9. Women have a better sense of direction than men. Accept it.
8. When lost, getting out and asking for directions is okay. Driving around aimlessly and swearing is not.
7. Cut us some slack when we ask you questions about how sports are played and the rules. Help us understand these games better. Consider it your civic duty.
6. Beer burps are not considered a second language, even if you CAN burp the alphabet.
5. Towels dry faster when they are hung up on the towel rod, not crumpled on the floor.
4. Take time to smell the flowers. Then bring some home to remind us how much you care.
3. Psst... We're only lending you the remote... If you have kids, you know who really owns that T.V.
2. We really are the sex crazed maniacs you fell in love with. Just reset your clock to our female standard time, and you'll see what I mean.
1. Finally, don't show us where the oil goes, or the washer fluid, or even how to fix a car. This is one of the many reasons we married you.
Return To Gender Wars
Return To LaughNet
This page has been formatted and archived by LaughNet.
