I am so upset right now..

I am sorry if this gets long and hard to follow. I really just need to vent, and i am crying as i type. I should be happy my girls will be here later today. but I am just so unbeliveably upset..

First off, Ex Wife number one, (the one the children are with) has delt yet another painfull blow to me. Steves family all dislike me at this point anyways, they have not met me yet, and think i am going ot be just like ex number 2, who is mean and worthless.

Anyways..we are trying to get Steves kids here for a week before they start school again (august first) after we were finally able to get ahold of them (oh yeah she moved several states..didnt tell him..than moved back..didnt tell him) well it sounded like everything was going to be a go. I was going to pay for the tickets for the kids to fly on the plane here and back, with supervision from the stewardess, personal and all paying the extra for it. We do not really have the spare money...She has the court ordered to take 899 a month from steves check, he makes base rate 960 a month BEFORE Taxes...

But I want him to see his kids, so I am chareging it. Something I never do. this is my ER Horse VET ER card. But I told him anything for his kids. and was going to be booking the flight as soon as she got a date back. I was getting really excited. I gave the kids each a horse for their birthday, again paid for with my own money, none of steves but i did sign his name of course. and all the upkeep has been ME. (I am not trying to toot my horn here but i am trying to show how much i care about these kids) their christmas presents were also bought by me, dad of course was in a tight spot with all the money going out the door for the kids. He gladly pays support but he is getting nailed still for when he maid..26 dollars an hour as an Iron worker.He now makes 6 bucks an hour base rate.

So as I said I am getting excited. The kids will be coming. I am going to have the horses ready for them to see, looking great, the cats, the dogs..they will be getting the bedroom, its going to work out great. Steve cant take off work for the week they would be here,because hes new at his job..and well she is taking so much money hes left in the negative as it IS. But I work from home. hes going to be taking the 9-5, i work from 3-11 so it works out fine. I can watch them and play games during the day. and when I do start work at three, they will just be in theo ther room watching tv, or I was going to switch my shifts to work 6pm-2am..to make sure they would have attention allt he time...no problem...

well here is the email....gotten today. Supposedly from the kids. spelled child like..but I just dont buy its from the kids...some stuff is edited out. and only the info related to this topic is in here..

"I
told my mom that you said katie would be watching us while you work and she
said that she told you that she didn't want katie watching us. Iif katie
does watch us mom is going to be really mad. She doesn't know katie. she
said that if you are going to be working that week then we don't need to go.
there nothing in the divorce papers about out of state visits. if granny
is off that weekend then maybe she come with us and watch us while you work.
levi has allergies and asma so you need to know how to take care of him.
mom says that if you lie to her and have katie watch us then you'll have to
take her back to court for visitations becase krystel use to be mean to us
and lock us in the basement when you were gone doing something and shes not
going to let you make those desisions anymore cause you have done stuff like
this before with kristel If katie does something to us while you're at work
then she'll get in trouble and shes just like krystel. I don't want her to
be. but if that's the way she's going to act then so beit. You better just
warn her not to spank us or slap us. mom says katie might not be like
kristel but she might be and kristel hurt us and she dosnt have to let
anyone elsehurt us again.You're going to have to call granny and see if she
has work that week. if she does then you'll have to take off work that week.
You better explan to your boss that this is the only time you can see your
kids make sure you makeher not yell becase it hurts our ears when people
yells"

I dont know where this has come from. I have never done anything to these kids at all to even make anyone think I would do anything like that! And "Kristel" is ex number two..now she is a looney..yes..but Steve never saw any of the things that are said going on, and if they did happen (I am by no means saying they did not..but it could be a story..but I wouldnt say that to be truth I dont know it could have happened and may not have) this is the FIRST he knows of it.

I am just bawling my eyes out. I would NEVER do anything like that to these kids, ANY kid. I mean...for crine out loud..I was a Girl Scout conserlour and Wragnler, for several years. I was intrusted with hundreds of children around large animals. I threw myself in harms way on countless ocassion to save the child! I have the medical bills to prove it!

I am extenstively trained in first aid (that would cover the whole "Asthma" excuse) I am just bawling. There is no way steve can take off work, and there is NO WAY his mother will be allowed to stay here so the children can. She has bad mouthed me already with out meeting me, and we just plain old dont have the room! And no where in any court document does it state he has to have SUPERVISED visits..which frankly is what that would be!

I am just..shocked..and so...I dont know..I cant stop crying. I would never hurt a child, and for someone to think about..even trying to say I would!

And the worst thing is I feel horrible now because even if they DO get to come, i do not know if I want to be in the house. I may leave for the week. I dont want to feel like i have to walk on eggshells in my own home. I would neevr slap or hit a child EVER! would I and have I raised my voice to give discipline? YES...would i just yell and scream for no reason? NEVER. I just dont know what to do anymore.I have done so much..and this is how I get made to feel...i am bawling....just...I am sorry guys. I just do not know what to do this is so upsetting, and I feel like the most horrible person in the world.

Please don't take this personally, none of them know YOU and so these 'judgements' are based on some stupid preconception due to the last girlfriend/wife. You can't be held responsible or liable for another womans mistakes (regardless of whether or not they are even true in the first place), but ex-wife no1 is obviously too stupid to make the distinction.

Can you in any way confirm whether or not the email is actually from the daughter and not the ex? Seems odd for a child to be so blunt and to go into such detail (about slaps etc) in an email to her dad. If she'd never mentioned bad treatment before, why the hell would she wait until now to bring it up so suddenly?

Sounds to me like the ex is jealous, maybe the children have been raving about how much they are looking forward to meeting you and she can't handle that?

Personally, I think this sounds like the child who wrote this email is trying to manipulate you into changing all the plans to suit them! Honey, I would dry those tears and get mad! "You better explan to your boss that this is the only time you can see your kids ... make sure you make her not yell becase it hurts our ears when people yell" indeed!

If I were you (I am not, but if I were) I would sit down and write your response in such a way so as to let this ~CHILD~ know you, the ~ADULT~ won't be manipulated this way.

Perhaps this would be a better topic in INO, but kids these days seem to believe they have such entitlement!!! I wouldn't tolerate this kind of BS from my kid at all! And neither should you. I am appalled that this kid had the gall to even TRY to threaten you like this.

So, as I said, dry those tears and get mad ... and then respond in such a way as to let this brat know YOU are the adult, THEY are the child, and you won't be manipulated in this manner.

Gee, this really does suck for you, especially since you obviously are trying to do the absolute best you can, but as one who dealt with a ex who ultimately ended up abandoning her children (I came home from work one day and found my nine year old step son on my front porch with a suitcase and a note which stated, "I took care of him the first half, now it is YOUR turn") don't let this kid get your goat.

Sending hugs,

~gf~

From the way i read it it wasnt a child, because "the way those mistakes are" they look too fake to be a child if you get what i mean?

I agree - at east it has been added to by the mother. But you can honestly say that you will be around all the time the kids are there, and though there may be a few hours in the week when they can watch TV while you are doing your thing, what paretn dosn't do that? Iassume they would be able to find you in the house in an emergency? As said, it is not personal. it is the IDEA of you they don't like, and to be honest, it does sound as if Steve has made a few mistakes in the past, which you will have to try hard to make up for with his family. I do hope it all works out and you have a great week with the kids.

Gaye has given you spot-on advice, I hope you take it.

I don't believe that letter was written by a child. The idioms used are too adult. I don't know kids who use terms like "so beit". This appears to me to be a blatant attempt for the ex to control Steve, more than she already does. And the whole suggestion that the grandmother needs to come along to look after the kids, that looks to me like she wants someone spying on you.

So please don't take it personally. This appears to be a sad case of a woman using her children to get at her ex. Poor kids, caught in the middle. Even if they did write that letter, those are not their ideas.

The origin of the email is somewhat important, although it is true that if it came from a child, the ideas still came from the parent.

I question it because of the mention of the content of the divorce papers... few children would say "this is not in the divorce agreement"! However, it does ramble a bit like a child would, although I've seen adults do that, too.

I would be upset, too, but do remember they don't know you so it can't be personal... whoever wrote that is trying to manipulate the situation to suit them, whether it be the child trying to force dad to stay home with them or the mother trying to force you to get someone she knows to stay with the kids. He can certainly assert his right as a parent, so get mad and tell them they're his kids too, and he will insist that the mother respect him as a responsible adult who can choose a fitting person to ensure they are properly taken care of, end of story, be it you or a hired nanny.

Remember, this is not the kids' vacation, it's visitation. Steve should not be forced to take time off any more than the mother should be forced to stop working and become a stay-at-home parent, provided they have proper supervision at all times.

I believe the letter came from a child, but I also believe mum was in the background coaching her. Sounds like this child is being raised to be a brat. I agree with Gayef and Hissy, you should write back and tell them you will not be intimidated, and I WOULD NOT under any circumstances give those kids each a horse of their own. No child should be allowed to talk to you or about you in that manner.

Thanks guys, I have not written back yet. But I will. One thing that made me mad is that this one is MY email box, yet addressed to him. Hmm....ment for me to see was it? I am going to takre your guys advice, well I already pretty much did. I have not yet replied to the email But I did tell Steve what I thought about it. And what I think he needs to do about it.

I also made it clear, that should this whole thing still happen. I will NOT be treated like that email is suggesting. I agree that ex number two may have made mistakes, but I am not her. Nor will I be treated like i am. Period.

And the horse privlleges have been revoked Until further notice. My choice as an Adult, who is a firm beliver that unless your paying the bill, horses are a privellage and you have to earn them.

I agree about the divorce papers, I do not know many kids that would say something like that...I had to shake my head anyways because i have seen the decree..it states he gets every other weekend visitation, not supervised or anything. Every other weekend..and so forth..yes we are out of state..but she has done, and is doing everything she can do keep him from seeing the kids. I told him I think its time HE goes to court..about that.

*sighs* this whole thing SUCKS.

I think he definitely should take her back to court to re-settle the custody issue now that she has taken them out of State. As to not interrupt their schooling, get some extended summer "visits", but given your circumstances and the rather extreme amount of support he's paying, she should foot the travel bill. If not, then they need to revisit the amount of support she's receiving as well and probably should anyway!

Originally Posted by Sooz123

I think he definitely should take her back to court to re-settle the custody issue now that she has taken them out of State. As to not interrupt their schooling, get some extended summer "visits", but given your circumstances and the rather extreme amount of support he's paying, she should foot the travel bill. If not, then they need to revisit the amount of support she's receiving as well and probably should anyway!

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Well he is actually the one now living out of state. But she keeps shuffling the children around. We are working on fileing papers for them to review the amount of support. I think shes having him nailed to support her other children. and theres no reason for it.

But i told him something has to give here, and this needs to be settled. Its obvious she is not going to let things be settled, and she is obviously not letting them come either. like her little comment when he told her he wanted them to come see him.

"Well I am getting your paycheck i dont know how you can afford to have them come see you"

I appaude your efforts ... But just as Hissy said write the letter... I dont think a child wrote that unless the child in question is over 10 yrs of age and couched by an adult

she is 10..and could have been coached but i still think it was the mom, she usually writes all the stuff from the kids.

My hubby is on vacation, (he's admitted to both CA & MI bars) so I couldn't ask him his opinion, but if I understand correctly, when the children are on Steve's watch, it is up to him who they stay with. period. The ex needs to be put in her place about that!! For them not to be allowed to stay with you, the Court would have to be presented evidence, very compelling evidence, that staying with you is not in the children's best interests. Court decisions are (usually, unless there are outrageous extenuating circumstances) made based on what has happened, not on what might happen. So, if the ex decides to not send the children, Steve will have to step up to the plate and take her to court for comtempt; it's not up to his ex whether or not he is allowed his visitation - the Court has already given it, and most judges really don't have the time or patience for ex-wives who want to hold the children as "political pawns" and I hope she gets nailed with court costs & attorney fees, if she makes you guys go there!. Whether or not the children wrote the e-mail, they will be confused and discouraged with the "maybe you will, maybe you wont see your dad" situation that currently exists. Bless you for taking this problem on - there needs to be a hero here, and it looks like it's you!! I'll light a candle for you!!! Susan
By the way, Steve should have had a hearing to revise his support payments since his income changed. If the Court thinks that he gave up his better-paying job in order to lower suport (it's hard to prove), they might issue a seek-work order, but I've only seen that happen once; we have clients that do construction work under the table, and other devious ways (I'm not saying that Steve does that, just that I've seen guys do it and get away with it) to hide their income, and they get their support lowered while they (the clients) have gone online on Match.com & listed their current income as about 3x what they've told the court.

Thank you for your support I really appreciate it! Indeed it would seem I have to step up and try to be the hero. I love these kids like my own, because they are his. they have nothing to prove to me to make me love them or anything like that. And I know how hard this can be on them. I HAVE BEEN THAT KID. I am from a divorced family and my parents were ALWAYS fighting over us. I lived with my dad, but my mom hated that and so forth my sister lived with and still lives with my mom. That was no fun.

Thank you for lighting a candle for me. I am getting so tired of dealing with his ex's and we aint even married yet. AHH. I told him if she doesnt let him see the kids, there will be H**l to pay. He has court ordered visiation, no supervision..ect and I thought that was a good point. who is she to say what may happen? what wont happen? How can she prove that I would do anything like that? I would like to see her try. Hundreds of parents every summer trusted their children to me..24 hours a day. around large animals none the less. And i never lost one. not one, never had one hurt..never had one unhappy (well for long) i got my shoulder ripped from its socket one summer saving a kid from getting hurt. would I do it agian? YOU BET YOU I WOULD! Any kid in my car for 5 minutes...to 5000years is in my care and i treat them as my own.and i am certifed on so many levels of first aid it makes my head spin. i think that was my biggest push button, and I work from home. and was willing to rearrange even that so the kids would have everything they needed! I am only in the other room should they need anything..thank you for your encouragement

We are filing for the proper paperwork for getting the case on child support looked at again. He has noi problem paying. and he would never cheat his kids out of what they need ever. he didnt take the lowet paying job to pay less..he took it A) its safer than Iron work especially here in Minnesota and B) its a job he LOVES..and he could hardly phyically do Iron work anymore. He plays in his band a few times a month, they dont make much right now but what they do..he sends to the kids.

Now that you are in the picture, and it sounds like to me like you have so much to offer the kids, it would be great if Steve could get more visitation (and that would also factor in to lower the support, since you'll need the funds to feed them, etc.). It sounds like Krystal was a real psycho, so I understand the children's fears;BUT, you are NOT Krystal!!! Yes, these custody fights are a real pain - sometimes it takes both , or one, parties paying some big legal bills to get them to cooperate. It's such a shame to waste (and, yes, it's a waste, since it doesn't have to be this way) funds that could be spent on other, more beneficial things. But that selfish ex isn't going to see it that way, is she. By the way, if I were you, I wouldn't respond to the e-mail myself, even though they wrote to you - I'd leave it for Steve to do - that way both the ex and Steve's family (and possibly the Court, if it gets that far) realize that this is his visitation & his new family, and therefore, his affair!!

Very true. I have not replied other than to politely state that this was my email box. (its the one i do most of my buisness on. I gave it to alex sometime ago as a way to contact me if she ever needed anything) That I would foward the letter to their dad, not a problem. (hes seen it already of course) but if they want to write to dad they should do so at his email, and I gave it to them, and if they want to write to me. to use the addy they used for their letter to dad. I didnt want them to think I did not wish to hear from them. If indeed they wrote the letter...but I also wanted to make it clear..that yes I saw it. But I amt rying to be adult about it.

Krystal WAS(IS) a real peice of work. And steve admits she was a big mistake! By hindsite is 20/20 always has been and always will be. I feel I have alot to offer as well, I know its going to take a little time for them to get to know me and all. But i thought we had mad a good start. I found common ground..the horses. and thought that was as good a start as any.

I would like him to get more visitation..I really would like them to spend summers with us! It would be wonderfull! If it comes down to it Steve is ready to fight for custody. It is sad that so much money has to be put into something that should be so simple. How can you not let your children see their father? Its beyond me. No matter what they are his children..and he has rights. she is useing them as a painfull pawn. and I cant stand that.Children are not pawns, they are not dollar signs. they are children and need to be loved as such.

My dad had me speak to an Attorney friend of his a bit ago, and he said if we wanted to go for custody we appear to have a decent case in his opinion. Steve and I both work, we have a stable home, stable work, I am a stable as a person could be. I have that strong background in child work..which will bode well for me. I am not only working but starting my own buisness as well. also from home....The ex, has no job (never has according to steve), her current boyfriend, has no job, and she also had two other children, by diffrent men. And is preg. With another. Its also now come to light, she was preg. with number three before the divorce degree was set and final...and she was told to disclose anysuch information by the judge...so. who knows. I am getting ready to dig in. Its going to be a long one i think.

Sorry my dear Friend.... ...not advice for you ´cause I think (With all Respect to you ) I don´t have opinion about it!... .....
BUT I´m here to listen to you and to wish you the best to you....
If you want to Vent anything, do it.....that´s are the friends to listen not only the God news but also the Hard times in our lifes.....

Sinceresly your friend........

Originally Posted by ScamperFarms

Very true. I have not replied other than to politely state that this was my email box. (its the one i do most of my buisness on. I gave it to alex sometime ago as a way to contact me if she ever needed anything) That I would foward the letter to their dad, not a problem. (hes seen it already of course) but if they want to write to dad they should do so at his email, and I gave it to them, and if they want to write to me. to use the addy they used for their letter to dad. I didnt want them to think I did not wish to hear from them. If indeed they wrote the letter...but I also wanted to make it clear..that yes I saw it. But I amt rying to be adult about it.

Krystal WAS(IS) a real peice of work. And steve admits she was a big mistake! By hindsite is 20/20 always has been and always will be. I feel I have alot to offer as well, I know its going to take a little time for them to get to know me and all. But i thought we had mad a good start. I found common ground..the horses. and thought that was as good a start as any.

I would like him to get more visitation..I really would like them to spend summers with us! It would be wonderfull! If it comes down to it Steve is ready to fight for custody. It is sad that so much money has to be put into something that should be so simple. How can you not let your children see their father? Its beyond me. No matter what they are his children..and he has rights. she is useing them as a painfull pawn. and I cant stand that.Children are not pawns, they are not dollar signs. they are children and need to be loved as such.

My dad had me speak to an Attorney friend of his a bit ago, and he said if we wanted to go for custody we appear to have a decent case in his opinion. Steve and I both work, we have a stable home, stable work, I am a stable as a person could be. I have that strong background in child work..which will bode well for me. I am not only working but starting my own buisness as well. also from home....The ex, has no job (never has according to steve), her current boyfriend, has no job, and she also had two other children, by diffrent men. And is preg. With another. Its also now come to light, she was preg. with number three before the divorce degree was set and final...and she was told to disclose anysuch information by the judge...so. who knows. I am getting ready to dig in. Its going to be a long one i think.

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Please be careful about any e-mail replies. Like CatsKnowMe said, the ex could use it in court against you. Also, Steve as the father and the ex-husband needs to handle this. You can support him, but if you do everything, you take away his chance to stick up for himself and his kids. And there is no way you can win with a vindictive ex.

You are in a very vulnerable place right now. You have the responsability of a mother towards Alex, while she can either accept or reject you. And it sounds like she may have been abused by someone else, and is certainly being used as a pawn by her mother.

My dh was never accepted by my oldest daughter, and although he loves her, he has mainly just gotten heartache back! It does happen, especially if the parent is manipulating the child.

As for her being preg with #3 before the divorce was final, in Michigan, that would mean the ex-husband was liable for child support even if he wasn't the father! (I don't know if that changes with paternity tests.) She sounds like a goofball. Your fiance is lucky to have someone as great as you after his past poor taste in women!!!

Hugs to you is this tough time.