The hardest thing I've ever had to do: The 'D' word

mferr84 · Jun 27, 2005

Thank you guys so much for your support on this. It helps alot to have it. I feel better being told that I am doing the right thing, just because this is such a hard thing to do.

Originally Posted by lakeriedog

You mentioned that your husband was leaving on a TDY in a few hours, did I understand correctly that he will not return until spring? If he is coming back before your parents get there, you need to have a plan to keep yourself safe

Your right, he wont be back till approximatley spring. That is why my dad is coming out here in July, so hubby will not be here. I will go to his commander and to family advocacy, but not until the day we are leaving to go home. My dad is a retired First Sergeant and knows how to deal with these things, so he will be talking to them as well as me. But we are going to make sure that his commander knows to wait until we are out of the state to contact him. Cuz with this, they will bring him home from overseas. We will see if it is possible to view my chart from the hospital i went to that night and see if they documented anything. Also, when i go to family advocacy they will send me directly to a doctor for a CT scan and what-not.

I also wanted to correct something, I said we had to wait six months before it would be final, my mom called me this morning and let me know that no, we dont have to wait, we can do it as soon as i get there.

hissy · Jun 27, 2005

Meagan,

Many years ago, I walked away from a ten year marriage that was at times violent and always abusive. When I think back on the moment when the house was stripped and he had walked out the door (at my request) I remember the terror, the tears and the uncertainty that followed. Several times, I made a fool of myself trying to win him back- why? I couldn't tell you. We were bad for each other anyway you look at it. But I still did it, because he had conditioned me to believe that without him, I would be nothing.

I proved him wrong, and I got on with my life. I found new interests, new friends, stopped the destructive patterns and found my smile again. My wish is for you to the do the same. I commend you for the ability to understand that violence comes in many disguises, and what starts out on a small scale seldom stays small-

Best of luck in your life-

pinkdaisy226 · Jun 27, 2005

Oh wow. I am SO proud of you, you have no idea... to do what you did, to stand up for yourself and not let him treat you the way he was treating you... not enough women do that and they should. I am so sorry that you had to go through this, nobody should have to, and I know you must feel so sad and upset... I wish I could come give you hugs. But just remember that you are doing the right thing and we are all behind you!

wellingtoncats · Jun 27, 2005

Oh Meagan, sorry to hear about all this. Never forget you have all our support here.

hannahj · Jun 27, 2005

Im really amazed at how forthright and strong you are. It is so difficult to be in a situation where your loyalty to a relationship and a person are conflicting with what your brain knows to be the right thing to do.

Let me add my voice to everyone here who has said that you need to get out right away. Everything else--being a godparent, running into family and friends will work itself out when the time comes. For now, you have to look after yourself.

Please keep us up to date! My heart goes out to you--we are all here for you and want you to do whats right for you!!

flisssweetpea · Jun 27, 2005

I'm so sorry that you're going through this - it's good to know that you're parents are right behind your decision and helping you to make the move.

Hugs to you

pjk5900 · Jun 27, 2005

My first husband was in the Army, and we lived the military life for 4 years till I left him. I had 2 small kids at the time.
He was more verbally abusive, and would hurt himself to punish me. (I know, kinda psycho). The MP's were very firm that any kind of domestic violence would not be tolerated and they took him to sleep in the barracks one night after an incident.
Anyway, the hospital should have record of what they saw and the diagnosis even though you did not tell them what actually happened, I think it would take a blind person to not actually see the truth.
The other thing I am worried about is your safety.
If this is all done completely behind his back and blindsiding him as soon as he walks out he is going to have a bad reaction and seek you out for some explanation. Maybe you should spend some time to write him a long letter to explain that this was not OK with you to live this kind of life and why you had to do it this way because you were afraid of him.
He is going to want answers and from YOU. Not that you owe him an explanation, but it may avoid some potential problems of him trying to contact you. Please do not fall for the "honeymoon-like make-up session" he may offer. It never lasts long.
I wish you luck and know that there are men out there that do not think that laying a finger on a woman is EVER acceptable.
Hopefully your Dad and Mom can help you through a very difficult time for you. You've got a hard road ahead of you, but stay close to your true friends and family! We are here for you if you need to talk. I am on late nites sometimes, PM me if you just want someone to listen or talk to.

mferr84 · Jun 27, 2005

Originally Posted by pjk5900

My first husband was in the Army, and we lived the military life for 4 years till I left him. I had 2 small kids at the time.
He was more verbally abusive, and would hurt himself to punish me. (I know, kinda psycho). The MP's were very firm that any kind of domestic violence would not be tolerated and they took him to sleep in the barracks one night after an incident.

I am very glad we dont have children. That makes this a lot easier to deal with.

If this is all done completely behind his back and blindsiding him as soon as he walks out he is going to have a bad reaction and seek you out for some explanation. Maybe you should spend some time to write him a long letter to explain that this was not OK with you to live this kind of life and why you had to do it this way because you were afraid of him.

Writing a letter is what I plan to do. It is all I will want to do. He is scared silly of my father, always has been(long story), when he finds out my dad is involved in this, he probably wont be to eager to find and contact me. But I will still let him know from me, what is wrong with everything and why. I do feel like I owe that too him.

Hopefully your Dad and Mom can help you through a very difficult time for you. You've got a hard road ahead of you, but stay close to your true friends and family! We are here for you if you need to talk. I am on late nites sometimes, PM me if you just want someone to listen or talk to.

My mom and dad are going to let me live with them till i find an apartment closer to where i will be going to school. They are going to pay for school, and help with my car/and insurance payments. They are both being great about this. I call them quite a few times a day just to hear them say it is going to be okay.

Thanks again everyone for the hugs and support!

amirando · Jun 27, 2005

my husband is also in the air force so we know people who have been kicked out for less. i know you don't want to ruin his chances of a career, but you're doing the right thing. HE ruined his career chances by doing this, not you. i'm very glad you have a supportive family to turn to for help and i hope that you can find at least one friend near you to talk to even if you don't want to give them all the details. i hope that getting out of this situation goes as smoothly as possible for you. i'm on here a lot at what would be odd hours to most of you since we're 12 hours ahead of eastern time. feel free to message me if you need to talk.

ilovecats · Jun 27, 2005

I really have no experience with this topic, to be honest. I just wanted to tell you I wish you all the luck in the world. I know that everything is going to be okay.

If you are EVER feeling scared, or alone about this, you know we are here for you.

darkeyedgirl · Jun 28, 2005

I didn't read through all the posts Meagan, but I DID read yours, and well I can honestly say you are making THE RIGHT CHOICE by divorcing your husband.

Adjusting to "unmarried life" will be more like sprouting wings, taking a deep breath, and being REBORN. You have nothing to fear. You are taking a step towards recovering yourself, living life the way you should. Trust me.

Your hubby sounds way too much like my FIRST husband. (yes I've been married two times... gasp fall over dead blah). I spent 4 yrs with that creep only because I thought I had to. He was THE nicest, sweetest, most charming guy on earth "around family and friends"... much like your guy. But when we were alone? I had to ask permission in order to go use the bathroom! I had nothing. I left with nothing, too (except 2 of my 4 cats).

I also left with very deep, disturbing scars that I still carry around with me today. You'll be scarred, too, especially since your hubs was physically abusive. My ex never hit me, because he knew if he put marks on me, my dad would have killed his sorry butt. However he did hold a gun to my head more than once, he just *loved* his guns and all the power he held while he had a loaded gun in his hand. He beat the living cr@p out of my poor cats, right in front of me, daring me to stop him. I could go on and on, however; guys like this don't deserve to breathe. Your hubby was USING YOU to feel better about HIMSELF. Guys like this, men who abuse women (whether it's name-calling, verbal putdowns, or beatings), are little, scared men who are NOTHING unless they have a woman to control!!!

I commend you for divorcing him. Start your life over. And steer clear from men for a while; you might not admit it, but your self esteem is probably in the toilet. You've taken a very important step by deciding to divorce an abusive man; just remember, most of us wind up with the same type of guy. I did.

ugaimes · Jun 28, 2005

I was hoping you'd join this thread Stephanie

Your input is always very valuable when this topic arises.

darkeyedgirl · Jun 28, 2005

I can't help but to want to help out other women in situations that I used to be in (you used to, too, Amy!)... It amazes me when I hear just how often these types of relationships really do happen. And, now, it makes me really angry.

Divorce is not always a bad thing. Dying unhappy, now, THAT is a bad thing. Being angry & hurt all the time due to someone else's temper, insecurities and smallness???? THAT IS A DEATH in itself. Meagan will be reborn, and I hope she knows we're here to support her!

I'm in no way an expert on relationships (too scared to be in one right now, even) but I DO KNOW how to spot an abuser. FINALLY. After reading so many books about the subject, and re-reading the underlined/bolded parts 1 million times over... finally I know to steer clear from that certain type of man.

That's the hardest part (steering clear from angry men); adjusting to unmarried life is really quite easy. You'll breathe easier and find that you don't have to bandage your feet anymore, from walking on eggshells around Mr. Evil. Evil is the only word I can use to describe men like Meagan's husband, my ex-husband, and an ex bf who have fit the bill of an Abuser. They care not about YOU; they only care about THEM.

So it's time for YOU to care about YOU! (Hugs)

mferr84 · Jun 28, 2005

Originally Posted by darkeyedgirl

So it's time for YOU to care about YOU! (Hugs)

Thank you so much.

ugaimes · Jun 28, 2005

Hey Meg- check your email

joanne511 · Jun 29, 2005

I'm sorry that I'm coming into this late (been offline recently), but I wanted to say I'm so glad to hear you're taking these steps to get away from him. I don't have any new info to add - you've gotten excellent advice already - but I wanted to voice my support and empathy. I was with someone who was emotionally abusive; I cannot imagine how much scarier it would be to be physically abused too.

You're in my thoughts. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

pat · Jun 29, 2005

Just sending you hugs....you are doing the best thing for you, and I'm glad you have your family to support you through this.

sharky · Jun 29, 2005

that unfortunately is all I can give you... You ARE making the RIGHT decision

hannahj · Jun 30, 2005

You've gotten awesome advice from everyone, but I wanted to pipe up with the obvious: be more like your cats!
When they get afraid, they run to a safe place
when they want some love, they get it (from Meowmys and Paws)
They do whatever they feel like to make themselves happy at any given time:
stretch in the best sunny spots, sleep all day, eat until they are full, play until they are tired.
And they never ever apologize for being themselves or demanding happiness!

So when you feel at a loss, take courage and let your cats be your guide, and dont be afraid to start down the path to your OWN happiness!

ugaimes · Jun 30, 2005

Originally Posted by HannahJ

You've gotten awesome advice from everyone, but I wanted to pipe up with the obvious: be more like your cats!
When they get afraid, they run to a safe place
when they want some love, they get it (from Meowmys and Paws)
They do whatever they feel like to make themselves happy at any given time:
stretch in the best sunny spots, sleep all day, eat until they are full, play until they are tired.
And they never ever apologize for being themselves or demanding happiness!

So when you feel at a loss, take courage and let your cats be your guide, and dont be afraid to start down the path to your OWN happiness!

Hannah, that is an AWESOME way to put it! Do you mind if I steal that line to tell my clients?

The hardest thing I've ever had to do: The 'D' word

TCS Member

Thread starter

TCS Member

TCS Member

TCS Member

TCS Member

TCS Member

TCS Member

TCS Member

Thread starter

TCS Member

TCS Member

TCS Member

TCS Member

TCS Member

TCS Member

Thread starter

TCS Member

TCS Member

TCS Member

TCS Member

TCS Member

TCS Member