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Exam answers
Here are some actual GCSE answers from 2002 exams to enjoy. Who said exams were getting any easier? Some students must think that if you don't know an answer you might just get some marks by making the examiners smile.
English
Define the word "monotony."
-Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.
Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
-Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
What does the word "benign" mean?
-Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
-Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the
intestines.
R. I.
Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?
-The fatted calf.
Geography
Name the four seasons.
-Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
What is the equator?
A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
-Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.
Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
-Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like
grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
How is dew formed?
-The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
What is a planet?
-A body of earth surrounded by sky.
What causes the tides in the oceans?
-The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow
towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a
vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
What is a fossil?
-A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Biology
What happens to your body as you age?
-When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
-Premature death.
What is artificial insemination?
-When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
How can you delay milk turning sour?
-Keep it in the cow.
Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.
-The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the
outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch
the meat onto.
What is the Fibula?
-A small lie.
Where are the Tibia?
-They live in a country in North Africa.
What does "varicose" mean?
-Nearby.
What is the most common form of birth control?
-Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
-The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
What is the alimentary canal?
-The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
What is a coma?
-A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop.
What is a seizure?
-A Roman emperor.
What is a terminal illness?
-When you are sick at the airport.
Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each?
-A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars
and eight cuspidors.
Sociology
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
-If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
In a democratic society, how important are elections?
-Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
What is a social node?
-A friend you have known for a very long time.
Medical
What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
-The kiss of death.
What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water?
-1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
-2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial
perspiration.
How can you help someone who has fainted?
-1. Rub the person's chest or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand
instead.
-2. Put its head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
What are steroids?
-Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed?
-1. Circumcision.
-2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
How would you treat a head cold?
-Use an agonised to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog?
-Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
How should you remove dust from the eye?
-Pull the eye down over the nose.
What is an enema?
-Someone who is not your friend.
Psychology
What is a morbid state?
-A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made.
Botany
What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo?
-The rectum.
Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
-Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
What is rhubarb?
-A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised.
-1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
-2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
-3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments.
Chemistry
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Physics
What is momentum?
-What you give a body when they are going away.
What is a vacuum.
-A large empty space where the pope lives.
What is a magnet?
-Something you find crawling on a dead cat
Here are some actual GCSE answers from 2002 exams to enjoy. Who said exams were getting any easier? Some students must think that if you don't know an answer you might just get some marks by making the examiners smile.
English
Define the word "monotony."
-Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.
Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
-Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
What does the word "benign" mean?
-Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
-Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the
intestines.
R. I.
Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?
-The fatted calf.
Geography
Name the four seasons.
-Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
What is the equator?
A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
-Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.
Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
-Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like
grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
How is dew formed?
-The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
What is a planet?
-A body of earth surrounded by sky.
What causes the tides in the oceans?
-The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow
towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a
vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
What is a fossil?
-A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Biology
What happens to your body as you age?
-When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
-Premature death.
What is artificial insemination?
-When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
How can you delay milk turning sour?
-Keep it in the cow.
Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.
-The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the
outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch
the meat onto.
What is the Fibula?
-A small lie.
Where are the Tibia?
-They live in a country in North Africa.
What does "varicose" mean?
-Nearby.
What is the most common form of birth control?
-Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
-The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
What is the alimentary canal?
-The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
What is a coma?
-A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop.
What is a seizure?
-A Roman emperor.
What is a terminal illness?
-When you are sick at the airport.
Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each?
-A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars
and eight cuspidors.
Sociology
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
-If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
In a democratic society, how important are elections?
-Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
What is a social node?
-A friend you have known for a very long time.
Medical
What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
-The kiss of death.
What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water?
-1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
-2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial
perspiration.
How can you help someone who has fainted?
-1. Rub the person's chest or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand
instead.
-2. Put its head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
What are steroids?
-Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed?
-1. Circumcision.
-2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
How would you treat a head cold?
-Use an agonised to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog?
-Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
How should you remove dust from the eye?
-Pull the eye down over the nose.
What is an enema?
-Someone who is not your friend.
Psychology
What is a morbid state?
-A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made.
Botany
What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo?
-The rectum.
Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
-Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
What is rhubarb?
-A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised.
-1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
-2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
-3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments.
Chemistry
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Physics
What is momentum?
-What you give a body when they are going away.
What is a vacuum.
-A large empty space where the pope lives.
What is a magnet?
-Something you find crawling on a dead cat
