A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life until the boat sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable, ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No. No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean......" he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes "..... I can check my e-mail from here?"
2nd joke
In this day and time it is important to know how to talk to people. The following is a list of very helpful ways to communicate with both men and women.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK"
- She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER"
- She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY"
- She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE"
- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND"
- She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD"
- She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY"
- She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS"
- She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you
- She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP"
- She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS"
-She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER"
- She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT"
- He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER"
- He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME"
- He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING"
- He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER"
- He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK"
- He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS"
- He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG"
- He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT"
- He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY"
- He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants
- It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
3rd joke
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the h#$# is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "
Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE.... during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"
