It's not her - it's ME!!!

Hi there, I'm new to the boards.
On Saturday I got a 5-year-old cat from someone who advertised in the paper. He said she was very affectionate, and before they got 2 other cats, she never bit or scratched.
When I first met her I pet her head and she was fine, but I don't know, I just got the feeling that I was afraid she might bite me. My friend pet her too and seemed totally unaffected and comfortable.

I got her home and she hid under the bed for about 2 hours, then came out and rubbed up against my leg, layed on my lap while i layed on the couch, and basically has been alternating by laying on the couch with me, hiding under the bed and sleeping on my bed.

Saturday night she followed me into my bedroom and i layed my pajama top on the bed. she immeidatley jumped up on it and when i tried to pull it out from her, she HISSED at me. I was totally in shock. So after a minute I tried to pull it out from her and she hissed at me again. I said "NO" in a loud firm voice and she meowed and ran away. Then, everytime she would enter the bedroom she would make a loud chuffing breathing sound and I was terrified that she would hiss again.

I realized her carrier was in there still, so i hid it. I was terrified to go into the bedroom. I thought she might follow me and hiss and attack me, but at about 3:30 am i got fed up and just went in there and went to bed. She just slept on the bed with me alternating by sitting on the window sill all night, and sort of meowing through the night.

Yesterday I went out and while I was out and talking about her, I got this nervous horrible pit of anxiety in my stomach and I haven't really eaten anything all weekend. I couldn't stop getting major anxiety about going home to her.

When i got home she was of course fine and happy to see me. She slept on my lap for awhile on the couch and then we went to bed. She meowed once during the night but basically slept all nite with me or at the windowsill.

today is the first day i have gone to work all day and i won't be home until about 10:30 pm.

When i got to work and someone asked me about her - i burst into tears! I don't know WHAT is wrong with me. I'm really intimidated by her, and scared that she might bite me if i pet her not carefully, and scared if i do anything to upset her she might hiss at me again.

What can I do to calm down? Also, does this mean that we just don't "click"? I had one cat before that was 4 years old, and i NEVER from the first moment was ever intimidated by her nor did i think she would EVER bite me or hiss or anything. I don't know what's wrong with me.....has anyone else ever felt this way?

thanks!!

no! there is nothing wrong with you! I know how freeky it can be when your cat hisses at you, my cat ocasionally does it. If i read that closly enough, she only hissed at you once? I think you just need to remember that this is new for her too, she doesnt know exactly if she can trust you yet. you tossed a pair of pants that could have scared her so she attacked them, then you moving tward the pants to get them could have scared her again. I think shes just still a bit scared of a new environment. But im no expert, and thats my 2Cents

and perhaps she can feel that you are scare of her?

Well, she hissed at me twice because of the shirt just that one time on Saturday night. I think she may still have some territorial issues because of those other two cats she lived with whom she hated.

I guess my question is - Am I just feeling normal anxiety of having a new pet? OR do I really just not "click" with her.

How long should I give this to be able to tell?

I've only feel that way every-now-and-then about my ferals...not my inside guys.

It sounds like you just need some quality time together...her to get used to you and from the way it all sounds...for you to get used to her.

Don't be too upset about the hissing. She has a new home and new owner--you, that she has to adjust to. New sounds, new smells, new ways. Hissing is a natural reaction and that should stop with time and trust.

You mentioned that she sleeps with you so she must have some trust for you. I guess you are the one that has to begin trusting her.

Do you really think she is going to attack you in the middle of the night while you sleep? Has she ever bitten anyone before?

Again, this is all new for both of you. You just got her on Saturday...that was only days ago. Show a little love and trust and 9 out of 10 times, you will get back a lot of love and trust

Originally Posted by leesali

You mentioned that she sleeps with you so she must have some trust for you. I guess you are the one that has to begin trusting her.

Do you really think she is going to attack you in the middle of the night while you sleep? Has she ever bitten anyone before?

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Yeah, she sleeps with me and when she is lying on my lap on the couch she turns her back to me and sleeps. She also likes my voice because she will be lying there on my lap looking at me, and i will say something to her and she will move up close to my mouth and try to kiss/sniff/lick me.

So, yeah, it's ME who doesn't trust her. but why? No, i don't think she will attack me in the middle of the night and no, i don't think she has bitten before. The guy who I got her from said before the addition of those other two cats she never bit or scratched ever.

she will move up close to my mouth and try to kiss/sniff/lick me.

That is very sweet...it is love

Give her some time. She is probably just used to the other 2 cats she was living with and now she is simply getting used to you.

I think it is normal to be nervous/anxious about having a new pet. I'm sure you want the best for her and want her to be happy...which she sounds like she is.

Ahh i wouldn't worry about it too much. My cat, Milly, she hisses and growls all the time but never bit us. When she was little she was fine til she got older, now she is 10 yrs old and is a cranky cat. So once in a while she would hiss and swat at us when we go by whereever she is. She is pretty cranky alot lol.

Are you staring at your cat when she hisses? Did you make a sudden movement reaching for the pajama top? Staring is a confrontation. Cats will hiss when they're confronted with what they perceive to be a threat. So don't appear to be a threat to your cat. Which apparently you aren't most of the time. It's just been a couple times. Try not to stare at her. Look to the side with "soft eyes". Don't make any sudden movements toward her. Don't make any loud noises. Also, cats pick up on a person's vibes. If she senses fear that will make her fearful and uneasy. Force yourself to be calm and confident and in control of the situation. That's what a cat wants in its caretaker.

This sounds like a perfectly normal, affectionate cat, who has had a couple uneasy moments in her new home. I think it will work out if you just calm down. Take a deep breath now, and go give your cat some blinkies!!

Originally Posted by coaster

Are you staring at your cat when she hisses? Did you make a sudden movement reaching for the pajama top? Staring is a confrontation.

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Hmmm...I don't know if I stared at her, I didn't really have much time to engage in a staring match. I just saw that she was on my shirt, and needed to put it on as I was naked, so I just pulled it slowly.

How long should I wait before I take a chance on petting her without being super careful? Right now when she wants pets (and only when SHE initiates it) i carefully pet her on her head and sometimes down her back on her tail but only for a few pets, then i carefully lay my arm/hand next to her. She is also a very "startle" kind of cat so i'm quite careful in my movements.

by the way - thank you all sooo much for your help. i feel better already!

it could take a litttle while. Though i have heard petting a new cats head is a bad thing because of some dominant thing to the cat... but im not really sure. It sounds like you are doing great for the most part. I completly understand the nervouse anxious feeling that you arent sure why you have it. i get it everytime i volunteer. Just hink to yourself, its only a lil fuzzy kitty, the worst it can do is scratch, which hurts a bit but isnt too bad. And cats (as far as i know) dont just atack and keep attacking someone that is bigger. They may lash out for a second then realize "woah im attacking someone 10 times bigger then me!!! im outta here!"

Sounds like you are a very gentle, caring new owner. Did the prior owner say the cat had bit and scratched after they got more cats? Maybe that is where your fear stems from.

I have one cat, Garfield, who if he gets too "excited" when playing, will bite at me or scratch my hand. I think it is because he is used to wrestling with his "sister" Festus. But unlike her, I don't have fur and claws to protect me! He has never hurt me, and I just end the play and walk away when he is too rough!

I had a previous semiferal (sort of wild) cat Jill, who did bite and scratch me a few times. Each time I had scared her to death by trying to catch her and shove her in a carrier, or once I was trying to worm her. As soon as I ended my "attack", she quit fighting back. Cats are not like dogs, where if they are mean they will just attack you after befriending you. They might be like Garfield, and play too rough. Or like Jill, and protect themselves if you are a big bully and pin them down.

I don't think your cat will ever bite you to harm you. And cats can be very forgiving, even if you "mess up" sometimes. Jill forgave me for being a bully!

Originally Posted by Beckiboo

Did the prior owner say the cat had bit and scratched after they got more cats? Maybe that is where your fear stems from.

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No, he didn't say that. I don't know where my fear stems from at all. that's what i'm trying to figure out. I just feel instinctively like she's going to bite me, and she kind of moves her head quickly after i finish petting her which leads me to believe she might have bit my hand if i left it there long enough?

I don't know, I was kind of having anxiety before I got her - I wasn't sure if I should get another cat (had a previous one 2 years ago), and all my friends said "get her, you need a cat!". Now i'm beginning to think I made a mistake, I should have just listened to my instinct.

Originally Posted by journey

How long should I wait ... only when SHE initiates it)

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That's exactly when....when she wants it and only when she wants it. For now, anyway. When she learns she can trust you, then you can initiate interaction. Sounds to me like you're doing just fine.

Hissing is just a way of saying 'don't do that'. If you pulled something out from under her, especially if it smelt of you and she was comfortable, I am not surprised she hissed - mine might too in that situation, though they would never hit out at me. Dushka also growls at me sometimes if I am doing something she doesn't like, cleaning her eyes or picking her up to come indoors when she wants to be out.Take a little hiss as almost a compliment. It sounds as if she is getting used to you, wants to be near you and things that smell of you, and is starting to love you. I hope you get over your fears and love her back - I am sure you want to and that you will find a way.

I agree with all that has been said..This sounds completely normal and your reactions and feelings are normal as well. Don't worry.
Actually, many cats don't even warm up to their new owners in any way for weeks, so you are ahead of the game.
You need to try and relax.
You are obviously a little "bite-shy" around her and this is normal, but I would just gently suggest that you yourself attempt to relax.. Tell yourself that all will be ok.

My Lovey (in my sig pic) was a big ball of hissing, biting madness (sounds alot worse than your girl really) when I let him out of the carrier..I thought to myself
"what have I gotten myself into?" at first.

It took him at least 2 weeks to not hiss at me or bite me at all in a threatened way.
He was loving but only on his own terms after that two weeks and was still jumpy.

A FULL 3 months later I would say it took him to gain my trust and now he is my baby boy. I can pick him up wherever and whenever. I can move him out of the way gently with my foot. I can stroke any part of his body (when he wouldn't let me before) now.

I am still amazed that it took that long but I noticed these things both gradually and all at once. I would say "hey, he wouldn't let me do that before".
He is honestly my favourite baby boy and loves me best in the world. We have each other's trust and mutual respect and he knows my actions well enough now that he has nothing to fear from me. This took A LONG time.
He went from ball of hiss to baby on his back outstretched in my arms.
Its a true reward to experience that kind of love.

My other boy Rocky was a big ball of love and cuddles when he came to live with us. I am just getting to know him and of course love him, but with Lovey, I had to prove myself to him and our bond is so much deeper because of it.

It was out of daily play, allowing him to come to me on his own terms, feeding and snuggling him and keeping my actions as routine as possible that allowed him to trust.

This girl was only recently thrust into a new alien environment and I would say you have the battle half won with her.. I wish you luck. Don't give up on her.

Wow - you guys are incredible!
Thank you soooo much for your supportive words and advice.

Update. When I got home from work last night (early, I might add due to a migraine), she was soooo happy to see me. I just tried to change my attitude and pretend that she was a loving gentle cat who would never bite me, and she seemed to really respond! She was really close to me all night, came up close to my face a million times, followed me wherever i went.
I felt like something changed.

i'm sure it was my attitude. I just kept the ruse up in my head that she would never bite me, and she reallly seemed to change in my eyes.

Anyways, she was even more snuggly at night, kind of looking at me waiting to make a space next to my head/arms so that she could come and sleep. She only meowed once when she went over to her litter box and i was just falling asleep so i ignored her, and she came back on the bed and that was it!

this morning when she heard her dish clinking she came out from under the bed where I think she goes between about 7 am - 10:30 am when i finally wake up. i'm not sure why, maybe i thrash around too much or maybe the apartment is just getting really loud right then? She was so happy rubbing around my legs, etc.

So I think you are all right, I just need to take my time with her, she is gradually getting more comfortable and so am I.

She's SUCH a lovey, really, she is very needy and affectionate. Exactly what i was looking for. I just have to get over my fear.

Now the problem is - its getting REALLY hot in my apartment and i need to put up screens cause i don't want her going outside the window. i live on the 9th floor, but there is a pretty big ledge all around my windows where she could get out and sit and potentially (probably) fall.

Second on the list - a scratching post! one with a platform that she can sit and look out the window.

ok everyone, thanks again! i LOVE this board.......

Originally Posted by journey

I just tried to change my attitude and pretend that she was a loving gentle cat who would never bite me, and she seemed to really respond! ... I felt like something changed. i'm sure it was my attitude. I just kept the ruse up in my head that she would never bite me, and she reallly seemed to change in my eyes.

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You got it, kiddo!! Good for you!!

SO happy for you that you and she are beginning to adjust!
I had alot of opposition like you, not in my head, but from friends and family saying that my cat was just a "bad" cat.
So glad I didn't listen either!!
Wishing you many happy days with her

Sounds great! You are bonding well.

It is so good to hear how you two are getting along. I think that is so cool that she sleeps with you.

Have you tried the "slow blink" at her? Throw her a kiss...you may be surprised when she blinks you back