need opinion

This is regarding the situation with my mother .... so bear with me, Please. So, my mom called on Wednesday night around 11:00pm & I just couldn't answer the phone. I was scared too. So, around 1:00a my dad calls, so I picked up the phone..... Basically he called to ask what was going on, etc..... Let me tell you I tried to tell him how I felt & how I feel it was wrong of my mom to say the things she has said, etc. Do you know .... he wouldn't let me explain! He kept interrupting, wouldn't listen, kept turning things around, and defending my mom! I'm sorry but I am at the point where I don't give a &#&! about what happens anymore! So, I tried emailing him telling him how I felt & he still defended her telling me to call her & how she has tried calling me. Do you know she left a voice mail on our cell phone! Do you want to know what she said!?? She said I am making her physically sick! And, how I need to quit doing this to her! You know, I wasn't the one to deserve this & have no idea what to do. But, like I said ..... I don't care either way anymore. I am not going to be the one to call & say I am sorry for something that I didn't start. I cannot stand the fact that they have pretty much blamed me for this whole damned fiasco. AND, now with Christmas coming up I have no idea....

I am not looking for someone to whine & cry to, just looking for someone to listen to me, other than my husband.

Im here listening Tig...... I don't really have any suggestions for you.... I just hope it does eventually get sorted out for you love. Sorry I don't have any good advice.... (Im going nuts about my "in laws" at the moment....I really wanna just scream at them sometimes..but you know how it is...you just can't!)

Tigger....i too like bod am here to listen but Unfortunatly i have no comments....familys - sometimes they are just like the hardest things to understand!

Sometimes these things just need to work themselves out. I don't have any helpful advice...sorry.

No advice here either, but lots of sympathy.

Two thoughts, though they probably won't help much:

Your dad loves your mom and chose her to be his wife. He would probably defend her to anybody because of that. It's probably a good sign about their relationship that he does it, even though it makes you mad. Bluntly, there comes an age when you have to choose your spouse over your kids, because the kids are gone and might not come back, but your lifemate is still with you.

And about parenting: They tell you early and often to present a united front because kids are masters at the divide-and -conquer technique. Lots of parents seem to get stuck with what worked when their kids were 10 and lose sight of the fact that their kids are adults now. So you may never know if your dad agrees with your mom or not, because he is in that dynamic where he will support her postition to you kids.

As far as I can tell, you are a very nice person, at least as nice as anyone else here. If your mom doesn't see that, she's missing out.

Oh Tigger I am sooo sorry this is still going on!!!! I think I shared this once before but here is goes again.

A dear friend of mine was in a very similar situation for a very long time before she decided for her own sanity and the sanity of her wonderful family to cut the ties with what she considered a virus that was slowly killing her. She told me that it took her a very long time and a hard path to come to this conclusion since she always wanted to try and try again to "please/be the child her parent wanted".

She never could!

The other realization she came to was that her parents could not be the kind of parents she needed!!!!!!!!

I really admire her - She is a very strong/brave person but she is still is very sad about the
whole thing. As a whole I can see a change for the beter in her. Like a big load that was drowning her was lifted.

Has she left a door open in her mind to left her parent back in in case their paths cross again -
I think yes - but i think she is not counting on it.

I also think that the holidays are the worst for her, but no matter what she is still in a much much better place than before - she is SAD but NOT SORRY.

I know it is hard, I have seen the struggle in my girl friend but You need to do what is best for you and your family.

All the best and chin up!!!

I am so sorry you are having a stressful time. I went thru something like that with my dad. He & I had arguements about him not respecting my husband wishes. He wouldn't talk to John & John wouldn't talk to him about their issues I had to hear them all. This went on for months. It came to a head on John's birthday, he doesn't like them & doesn't want to celebrate them & my dad is a huge fan of birthdays & makes sure that everyone celebrates. It seems like a small thing, but John really hates being the centre of attention - it is an actual phobia & that what my father did to hime made him the centre of attention. On the way home from John's "party" I had to hear about it from John. I explained to him that I asked dad not too, but he didn't listen. John complained all night. The next day, one the way to church I asked dad not to do that again & to respect John's wishes for a quiet day next year. My dad flipped - he said John is part of our family now & he has to do thing our way. I told him that he didn't respect John & that if he didn't respect my husband he didn't respect me. I cried all the way to church and all thru church (homily on honouring fathers - it was the feast of St Joseph). I insisted on walking home, because I wanted nothing to do with my father anymore. I got home and told my husband what happened. My kept calling me asking me to make up & insisting that she would make my dad respect John's wishes from now on. I told her it had to come from him, that she couldn't make those promises for him. I didn't talk to him for close to 2 months. Finally I decided to make peace for my mom. I went to dinner and acted that nothing had happened. Dad acted the same way. John & dad have either resolved there differences, or at least they don't drag me in the middle any more. I had to go to counselling to get to the point where I was willing to start over as I was very depressed over the whole thing.. At least in Canada coounselling is a covered medical benefit. All I can suggest Tigger is to ask you family for a time out. Ask for a set period of time where you don't have contact. Tell them you need this for you and try not to blame them for it. If you can counselling does help. If you want to chat email me or send me a pm.

I know it is tough during the holidays, but if you make new traditions with your husband, it will help ease the pain of losing old ones.

Tigger, it's hard knowing what to say when I have NO idea what started all of this, and it's none of my business! I just know that my mother sounds very much the same way. If things don't go just how she thinks they should, she throws guilt trips around and makes everyone's life miserable. My sister and I have learned we have to put up a united front against her sometimes. How sad is that? Then at other times she's really fun and great to be around. I'm not sure what's going on but for the past couple of months she's been much better... we're kinda' thinking it's the calm before the storm... but maybe I should be more optimistic.

It's so frustrating to try explaining yourself to someone and have them inturrupt and not listen. I know what you must be going through! Maybe it would be better to not talk to either of them for a day or two until you can all calm down, and then tell them you'll discuss the situation, but ONLY if you're allowed to present your side of the isssue. Tell them you feel like you're being ganged up on, and it's not fair, and you refuse to participate in a discussion that you're sure to come out on the bottom of.

I really hope everything works out for you!!

Tigger,

a friend of mine recently told me this great truth:

You choose your friends,
you have to bear with your family.

Well I do choose my friends, yes but I refuse to bear with my family just for "family's sake".

Tigger, your happiness is much more important that "peace in the family". Family can eat you down if you let it...

Anne-Claire

(Ps: Bodlover... I know exactly what you mean...)

Thanks Anne-Claire!

You could be describing my tumultous relationship with my mother. The only thing I can share is that maybe now it is time for you to cut the cord and let this toxic waste wash away from you. It isn't easy to do, it is the child in all of us who seeks approval of a mother (in my case) one who is incapable of loving me or accepting me. I am in my 40's and have never felt fulfilled in how my mother loves me, though she insists she does.

As my parents get older, I find that instead of being angry with my mother, I feel more a sadness because she is missing out on knowing me and being a part of my life. That is her choice to make, so I sit out while the "family" gets together every holiday, and I listen with teeth sometimes gritting when my father calls me to tell me of all the stuff that happened while the family was together. I finally cut her ties with me just this year, and there was no confrontation, not really.It was just a silent slipping away on my part because I realized that in order for my mother to make peace with me, she would have to deal with the monster inside of herself, and a big wagon load of guilt that she is unable to face. So instead of getting in her face (which I have in the past) demanding an explanation for all the abuse she heaped on me when I was a child, I just let it go. It is not worth it to make myself sick, crazy.It was even making me act quite erratic as I tried to figure out what was wrong with me that my own mother doesn't love me? But, the truth is, parents are not perfect, and in her own way, she tried to be a good mother, but she failed at it. When she sees me, I remind her of that failure (I guess) because unlike my sisters, I didn't marry money, I don't have a huge house and servants and don't travel around the world once a year, but I am happy in my own right and it cost me a lot of sleep and a lot of tears to just let her have her own life and stop involving her in mine. My father, bless his soul, keeps in touch with me via email, but she has scared him into making much of an effort- she is a very dominating person, so I hear from him only when she goes to play Bingo or something.

Concentrate on your life Tigger, your husband and start making your own special memories in the here and now and let the past fade away.

I'm going through this with my wife and her mother...little by little, my wife is trying to put distance between, but her mom continues to suck her back in...

My wife has sought counsel and that has helped, but she is unwilling to take that last step of complete disassociation because of our son...he has no idea of the real person inside of "Grandma", nor would he understand not being able to spend time at her house...

Tig, I really wish I could do more than empathize...looking back thru this thread, this is all too common of a situation...

Concentrate on you...

Bill

Why can't people just live and let live? My family isn't any better. The bottom line, one day you will wake up and the other guy will be dead. Is the fight really worth it? Life is so short. A couple co-workers I know vary well, married less than a year, new baby on the way, one of them is being buried today. Truck/train accident. I'm sure they had family problems somewhere, now it doesn't matter.
My mother-in-law has been gone now for over a year. She bossed grandpa to death. Wouldn't let him stay and play cards with the grandkids after 9PM, bitching all the time. All the kids say she could bitch all she wanted, if she'd just come back for one more Christmas dinner.
My only sister, I've broken off ties with. Durning a psycotic episode she threatened to burn my house down, to get rid of the "evil", we were having a graduation party at the time. I miss her, but I can't have someone around, who is just crazy enough to light my house on fire. If I outlive her, I know I'll feel awful, but I couldn't tolerate worrying about my home being destroyed. I worry about her family of young chilren. What if I read about them on the news some day? She does such weird stuff, carries them out of their bedrooms into the living room, so they can have some good air to breath in the middle of the night. Scares me to death.
bluekat

Tigger, I am so sorry this is happening to you . I know from personal experience how hard relationships with parents can be when they still want to dominate your adult life. My own mother was a "Patsy Ramsey" stage mother social climbing psycho. When I refused to be her little performing poodle any longer, she did horrible things to me, including lying and ending up having both of my children removed from me. I have not seen my son since he was 3 days old, and he is now 25. I finally had to cut my family out of my life for several years. I was able to regain my relationship with my father, sister, and daughter after she died. He has now passed, and I have had to cut my sister out again for my own sanity. My sweetie's family is no better. When his mother told him he had to make a choice between her and me, he chose me, because she is a horrible, manipulative, drunk, bitch who tries to hide behind her Bible. It has been 10 wonderful years without her in our lives. I know this sounds harsh, but it is all true. I am no angel, but I didn't deserve the treatment I got from any of these people. I now have a quiet, happy, SANE, life. Of course we have the same day-to-day struggles as everyone else, but they are our struggles without complications from anyone with nothing better to do than interfere. I hope and pray your problems can be worked out, if that is what you want, but sometimes it takes just letting go. I hope I haven't ranted on too much, but if what I went through can help someone else, it makes it all the more worth having been through it. Best of luck to you on dealing with your problems. I truly do hope it works out for you.

Hugs to Tigger and everyone with unbearable parents.
I've been through similar stuff with my mom,too.
A book that I've found helpful is called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. She now has a book called "Toxic In-Laws" too, that I haven't read yet--mine haven't reached that point so far (knock on wood).

Michelle,

That's exactly the book my wife's counselor recommended! It provided a good first step to my wife "reclaiming" herself...perhaps I'll look for the Inlaws edition...Thanks!

Hugs, blessings and prayers to you all!

Bill

I am so sorry you are still going through all this with your parents, tigger...it just isn't fair to you, and the stress must be awful. My thoughts are with you, hun.