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My poor, poor little Caesar...

post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 
Hi all. This is going to be a long one. Thought Id warn ya. Tried posting here a week ago but I was crying too much.

Caesar died May 13, 2005. The day of my college graduation, thus far the worst day of my life. He was 1 year and 9 months. I adopted him and his brother, Julius, when they were 3 months old from a lady who owned their mother. I originaly was only going to get Caesar because he was so calm when picked up, unlike his biting and scratching little (size wise) brother. But it dawned on me that seperating them was cruel.

I must admit that originaly they were more of a curiosity than anything else. Both boys have big orangy/yellow eyes with jet black fur. Very beautiful. Caesar had medium lenght fur and more of a stocky built. Julius is about 4lbs lighter with a short coat.

When Caesar was around 1 something happened to him were he just wouldn't eat his dry food and vommited several times per day. This went on for about 3 days, he had lost weight. He would eat, but very little. I ended up giving him Tuna which he gobbled down very fast. After that he recovered within a day and all was well.

Come April 28, 2005: Last two weeks of college...very hectic, very busy, barely sleeping, studying, group meetings..(this is what I tell myself to ease the blame I feel). The cats were out of food so my mother picked up another brand they usualy dont eat. She came home that night and a few minutes after my boys ate the new food, Caesar threw up. Julius loved it. The next day we bought them their usualy food, (Nutro Max Cat Hairball control). After eating this Caesar threw up again. For a few day I assumed Caesars stomach didnt care for the new food and thats why he threw up. And when he threw up his old food I was puzzled (but this had happened before when he was 1), but thought the new food must have done something to him. I remember complaining to my Mother about buying the cheap stuff that then caused him to throw up. I would feed him cooked chicken every day, and he would eat that. He wasnt eating much, but at least I thought, he was eating. From April 28 to May 13 I remember seing him throw up 5 times. And all this time he acted like his wonderfull normal self. Chasing his brother, waking us up in the morning, jumping on counters, etc..

Before I knew it, it was May 13. I honest to God cannot explain how in Gods name I let 2 weeks go by before taking him to the vet. I only later realized after he died, in horror, that it had been 2 weeks by looking at my mothers online bank statement showing the date of her purchase of the new food.

May 13 was a Friday, morning of my graduation. This was the day that I noticed something wrong with him. He seemed out of it, and I decided to take him to the vet after graduation. I took him to the vet immediatly after I noticed something wrong with him. This happened before, he did this before and ended up being fine. We came home from graduation just 3 hours later, I noticed Caesar was in the same spot where he was in the morning, that was odd.

May 13 was the day I noticed something wrong with him Physicaly, and I took him to the vet.

I didnt realize it had been 2 weeks since he stopped eating regulary until after he died. I didnt realize how thin he was because in those last two weeks I was so pre-occupied with my life that I never picked him up and his medium lenght fur made it not obvious.

I took him to the vet, vet said he was in bad shape. Wanted to put him on fluids, do bloodwork, xray etc..I agreed to let him stay overnight.

Two hours later the vet calls me and says. "I dont have good news for you."
I thought to myself in those seconds he probably has some serious illness or something. Not in a million years would I have thought he was dead. The vet said, "We lost Caesar." I remember losing composure, bursting into tears and telling my mother, "Caesar died." I wasnt able to talk, the vet said she would call back in 5.

She said they tried taking blood from him from his neck, but he wouldnt let them and tried to bite. They gave him a tranqulizer, tried putting IV into him. Apparently his weak, malnuritied and dehydrated body wasnt able to handle the stress. His breathing increased, he appeared to have an anxiety attack, and his heart stopped. She said they tried doing CPR on him, to no avail.

My mother tells me at least he didnt suffer, he wasnt hit by a car and such.

Oh my baby did suffer, for two weeks he suffered. How can I have neglected him so, how? Did I not love him? I think I did, I cried constantly for 2 weeks after he died. I barely ate, barely slept, food lost its flavor, life became meaningless. I would give my right arm to hear his meow only once more.

Why did I not check to see if he was using the litter box? Why did I not pick him up more? How did become so pre-occupied with myself that I negelcted that which meant so much to me? Why didnt I check to see if he was drinking? Why did I not take him to the vet sooner? Had I taken him just one day sooner he probaby would have lived. Why God, why? I'm so so sorry Caesar.

My parents tell me all of us were fooled into thinking he was fine, his behaviour did not change, besides not eating alot (I know). I remember when he threw up one time, tears came from his eyes. I remember looking at him...thats it. It did not occur to me the pain he must have felt, the pain that demanded immediate medical care. I dont know why. Oh God I dont know why. Those two weeks went by so fast, I didnt realize it had been 2 weeks.

My neglect killed him. For two weeks I allowed him to go on barely eating. I didnt know that a 10% reduction in water in a cats body can be fatal. I didnt know about the poison that is called dry food, causing IBD and cauing my cat not to eat. I let my baby die of starvation and dehydration. My poor little Julius, he is without his brother. Curse me God, curse me.

It was supposed to be just us three guys, I planned on moving out in the fall. Life is cruel. My heart is broken, I dont think it will ever heal. My dear little Caesar, my boy, please forgive me.
post #2 of 20


Aww, hon, please dont blame yourself. Even if you could change those two weeks, that doesnt mean it would change what happend.
He loved you, he doesnt blame you, and he will be waiting for you at the rainbow bridge for the day you meet again.

I am so very sorry for your loss

post #3 of 20
Please don't blame yourself. I am sure Caesar knew you loved him and how much you cared. Life has a strange way of letting things happen. On a day where you opened one door in the next phase of your left, you closed another, that being your life with Caesar. I know it is hard to lose a pet. I lost my Smokey 12 years ago, three days before my Mother died. I blame myself too for not having gotten him to the vet sooner, but I was so preoccupied with my Mother's illness and subsequent death. I still can't forgive myself for not getting him to the vet sooner. My only consolation is that they are together now and taking care of each other.

Please try and forgive yourself. I am sure Caesar knew how much you loved him!
post #4 of 20
I'm sorry for your loss. I know from having three cats that it's especially hard when you have more than one to keep a track of which cat is eating, vomiting, using the tray and which one isn't. One can be quite ill and you don't notice a thing because you're still putting food out and cleaning the tray as usual.

It's natural to try and blame someone - and it's usually ourselves. You will feel better in time and will be able to remember Caesar with happiness, not just the upset of his death.

Give his brother lots of attention, love and cuddles - he may be down about losing his companion too.
post #5 of 20
I am crying for you. Your story will help others to notice and to be careful.
Do not blame yurself. Your angel is at the bridge and is not suffering. He KNEW you loved him. I am praying for you.
post #6 of 20
Welcome to The CatSite, Catguy. You are among friends here. Really, we understand!
Quote:
Originally Posted by catguy
Caesar died May 13, 2005.

April 28, 2005: Last two weeks of college...very hectic, very busy, barely sleeping, studying, group meetings..(this is what I tell myself to ease the blame I feel).

Before I knew it, it was May 13. I honest to God cannot explain how in Gods name I let 2 weeks go by before taking him to the vet. I only later realized after he died, in horror, that it had been 2 weeks by looking at my mothers online bank statement showing the date of her purchase of the new food.

May 13 was a Friday, morning of my graduation. This was the day that I noticed something wrong with him. He seemed out of it, and I decided to take him to the vet after graduation. I took him to the vet immediatly after I noticed something wrong with him. This happened before, he did this before and ended up being fine. We came home from graduation just 3 hours later, I noticed Caesar was in the same spot where he was in the morning, that was odd.

May 13 was the day I noticed something wrong
with him Physicaly, and I took him to the vet.

I didnt realize it had been 2 weeks since he stopped eating regulary until after he died. I didnt realize how thin he was because in those last two weeks I was so pre-occupied with my life that I never picked him up and his medium lenght fur made it not obvious.

I took him to the vet, vet said he was in bad shape. Wanted to put him on fluids, do bloodwork, xray etc..I agreed to let him stay overnight.

Oh my baby did suffer, for two weeks he suffered. How can I have neglected him so, how? Did I not love him? I think I did, I cried constantly for 2 weeks after he died. I barely ate, barely slept, food lost its flavor, life became meaningless. I would give my right arm to hear his meow only once more.

Why did I not check to see if he was using the litter box? Why did I not pick him up more? How did become so pre-occupied with myself that I negelcted that which meant so much to me? Why didnt I check to see if he was drinking? Why did I not take him to the vet sooner? Had I taken him just one day sooner he probaby would have lived. Why God, why? I'm so so sorry Caesar.
My neglect killed him. For two weeks I allowed him to go on barely eating. I didnt know that a 10% reduction in water in a cats body can be fatal. I didnt know about the poison that is called dry food, causing IBD and cauing my cat not to eat. I let my baby die of starvation and dehydration. My poor little Julius, he is without his brother.
I am so sorry for your loss. But please look at your post again. The truth is there. You did love Caesar. You did take good care of him. You gave the same treatment that worked before when he was one year old. You did not know how sick he was.

You said, "Curse me God, curse me." But God is all about forgiveness. I am reminded of the song "Wide Open":

for so long my eyes were closed,
i couldn't see a way of hope
for someone like me
and in my despair i cried there's
got to be more to this life
lord help me please
and the father said, there had
to be a perfect sacrifice
that's why jesus came, a cross was raised,
and he laid down his life

wide open, wide open, they nailed his arms wide open
after three days in a cold grave,
the power of sin was broken
now with outstretched arms he welcomes in
everyone who trusts in him,
his nail-scarred hands hold heaven's gates wide open

http://www.christianlyricsonline.com...wide-open.html

Even if you curse yourself, Caesar does not. He is in kitty heaven, bragging to all the other angel babies about how much you loved him. I am sorry he was sick. I am very sorry you lost him. No words will ever take away your pain. But you have come to the right place to share with friends.
post #7 of 20
Beckiboo is right, CatGuy, the truth of it is there. You didn't, couldn't, know how very sick he was, and even the professionals didn't know how badly he would react to the stress of their treatments to try and help him.

I too lost a cat (Bandit, RIP my buddy) to what I now know could have been prevented, but with time, I have healed. I know you can't believe that right now but it is still true. Guilt is a natural part of grief. A thought that comforts me everytime I want to blame myself is this quote by Maya Angelou:

"You did the best you knew how to do at the time, and when you knew better, you did better."

I am so sorry for your loss, but remember that Julius is grieving too, and you two can love each other through this. And you have many friends here who truly understand
post #8 of 20
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all those kind words. Other people who do not have cats just dont understand how it feels. They say, "it was just a cat", how wrong they are.
post #9 of 20
Dear catguy, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Please stop beating on yourself, YOU DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE. Cats are good at hiding that they don't feel well and you were distracted by all that was going on with school and such. Caesar doesn't "blame" you for his illness and is safe now at the bridge, no longer ill or in pain. His body is dead but his spirit lives on, and someday you will be reunited with him. His brother is still with you and needs your love and attention more than ever now. And people who say "it was just a cat" don't have a CLUE about what it means to really love one. We know, and our hearts go out to you in your time of grief. I will pray for you that God grants you the peace that passes understanding. We are here to listen whenever you need to talk. Hugs.
post #10 of 20
You poor poor person, please dont beat yourself up about this. I went through something similar last year, i had a cat with a liver prob, and she went through phases of being really thin, so when she had a bout of it late last year, i just did what i had done previously with her (and also had people telling me that cos she was old it was normal), it was only about a month later when she stopped eating for three days that she got taken up and bloodtested and we found her liver condition had got worse, and it didnt respond to medication. I thought 'what if i had got her up sooner, would it have made a difference', but i believe all these things happen for a reason, even though we cant see it at the time.

Big hugs to you, everyone on here knows how you feel and wont tell you 'it is just a cat' because it isnt.
post #11 of 20
Hello catguy, I am so sorry to hear of your loss of Ceasar on what should have been one of the happier days of your life. My heart goes out to you and Julius.
Sometimes it is hard to tell when our furry family is sick, they like to hide it, you may not have noticed a problem under normal circumstances, if this behavior had occured before. You did not do this on purpose and I am sure that Caesar knows this and you did take him to the vet for help. He knows that you loved him and will be watching over you until you both meet at the bridge.
Healing vibes being sent to you and Julius. RIP Caesar.
post #12 of 20
Your post has me in tears..

I am soo very sorry for what you're going through.
post #13 of 20
As a fellow "Catguy", my heart goes out to you! Life sometimes has a way of getting in front of other important things. Like the others have said, cats tend to hide the weaknesses. Not that Caesar wasn't important to you, but you still have Julius...love him the best way you can. When he paws at you to play with him, do it. My Whisky just turned 12 and I would probably have a nervous breakdown if something happened to him like that. Here's hoping Julius lives a long and happy life with you...
post #14 of 20
I'm sorry to hear about your Caeser.
post #15 of 20
oh sweetheart, my heart breaks as I read your post. I sit here with tears streaming down my face thinking of your loss. I am so glad that you found us here - you most certainly are amoung friends and we so understand how you are feeling right now. Please lean on us whenever you feel the need.

Please dont blame yourself. I know its easier said than done, but know that Caeser is watching over you from the bridge knowing how much you loved him and treasured him. He does not want you to weep anymore for him - he wants you to smile and remember the good times you had together and he wants you to cherish his brother who remains in your arms.

There will be a day when his eyes widen as he sees you walking towards him.... until then he will watch over you and protect you. Know that you now have your own special angel from above, and know that Caeser is being taken care of by all the other TCS kitties that have moved on.

RIP sweet angel Caeser - enjoy those wings darling
post #16 of 20
Please don't blame yourself! As the others have said, cats are very good about hiding their discomforts. And it could be that the worst overtook him suddenly, and he wasn't as miserable as you thought. I've had kidney problems that suddenly flared up, and the medical staff has jumped my case because I let it go untreated for too long - but, honestly, I didn't feel that bad until things were way out of control. Maybe it was that way with Ceasar. I'm sure that we would all like an update on how Julius & you are doing...Please keep us posted!
post #17 of 20
i am still crying....because we all understand how you feel, because we all blame ourselves, because we see our little babies so defenceless...he loved you dearly and still does, as you continue to love him. i don't think anyone on this site would ever say "it was just a cat". or else they wouldn't be here. i hope you feel better soon, and take good care of julius, i bet he's sad too **hugs**
post #18 of 20
Thread Starter 
Thanks again to those who replied. I still become teary eyed, but not as often as before. I adopted a 8 week old kitten and to my suprise julius instantly, within a few minutes that is, rolled onto his back and accepted the kitten who he could see and smell through the carrier the kitten was in. When I let kitten out julius immediatly started grooming the little guy, even his rear end . well, i still miss caesar very much. he was so intelligent and had such a personality and the sweetest meow. I love you Caesar.
post #19 of 20
we all know that this new little kitten is not to replace Caesar - and Caesar is looking down on you pleased that you have given another kitty the chance to feel the love that he did. Bless you
post #20 of 20
Congratulations on your new kitten! I was THRILLED to see that Julius has happily adopted his new sibling. It took real courage for you to love again, so soon after your heartbreak, but as you see, you did the best thing for Julius, and Ceasar is smilling down at you now, knowing that you've taken care of Julius for him. Maybe, when you're feeling up to it, you can post some pics & share some amusing cat stories with us in The Cat Lounge! Blessings for a long, happy future together! Susan
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