Little Known Feline Ailments
Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioral
quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but
little-documented, afflictions of cats.
COLLAPSIBLE LEGS
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as
though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several such
maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving
the cat waggling its feet in the air.
Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed
belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though - some feline
sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously,
often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable
and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most
likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its
lifetime.
SNUDGING
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a
readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and
cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This condition gets
its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may
well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in
soggy clothing.
Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside
between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to
dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when
the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or
telephone call.
BED-HOGGING
Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at
night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the
smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the
covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on the
bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.
Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat
expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats
can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds.
Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off
the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up
to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was
confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during
this time).
NONSPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)
Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats
with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from
minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire
ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between
ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has
difficulty walking).
Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the
infesting agent (aphids, ladybugs, spiders, etc.) and combing webs out of
fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime
is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer
greenfly (research into this factor continues).
IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead
treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting
up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again,
attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.
Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing
(literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise
symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner.
Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome.
Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may
be effectively treated as and when they occur.
LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in
all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high
volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly
contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.
Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is
ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is
required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats,
such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder
manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there
is no long-term cure.
SMURGLING
Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners
earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often
accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.
Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable
items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in
the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.
GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house
in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible
entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel
that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering
from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor
danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles
such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are
naturally immune.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition
appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of
a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside
spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension.
These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt
the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.
Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioral
quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but
little-documented, afflictions of cats.
COLLAPSIBLE LEGS
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as
though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several such
maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving
the cat waggling its feet in the air.
Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed
belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though - some feline
sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously,
often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable
and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most
likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its
lifetime.
SNUDGING
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a
readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and
cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This condition gets
its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may
well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in
soggy clothing.
Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside
between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to
dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when
the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or
telephone call.
BED-HOGGING
Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at
night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the
smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the
covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on the
bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.
Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat
expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats
can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds.
Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off
the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up
to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was
confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during
this time).
NONSPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)
Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats
with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from
minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire
ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between
ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has
difficulty walking).
Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the
infesting agent (aphids, ladybugs, spiders, etc.) and combing webs out of
fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime
is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer
greenfly (research into this factor continues).
IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead
treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting
up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again,
attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.
Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing
(literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise
symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner.
Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome.
Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may
be effectively treated as and when they occur.
LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in
all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high
volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly
contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.
Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is
ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is
required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats,
such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder
manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there
is no long-term cure.
SMURGLING
Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners
earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often
accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.
Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable
items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in
the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.
GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house
in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible
entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel
that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering
from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor
danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles
such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are
naturally immune.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition
appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of
a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside
spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension.
These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt
the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.
