Need to get a few things off of my chest Vent

sofiecusion · Jun 16, 2005

My life is falling apart, and I feel as if I have no one to turn to in my time of need. I have been having some relationship problems with my live-in boyfriend for quite sometime. He would party, and go out and not tell me where he was and I could never get ahold of him. Things are better on that front but he seems to always be wavering back and forth on whether or not he wants to continue living with me after our lease is up in August. One minute he's telling me that we should try and work things out, the next he says our relationship has no hope. He has told me that he has been unwilling to touch me or look at me the way he used to so that I don't end up getting hurt when we move apart. This was right after he said he wanted to look at apartments together. This has been going on for months! He also told me that we can never be together until I accept the fact that he likes to do nice things for other women (like last night, he offered to take off work early to take a girl he works with to another city to get art supplies). Despite all of this, he says that he never cheated, and that he doesn't want anybody else. This has had such a huge effect on my college life. I failed student teaching, and will now have to re-take it. How can I go on with my life with no friends and knowing I failed at something I love? How can I endure 2 more months of living with a man who is unaffectionate, and is only nice to me when I can do something (i.e. laundry, borrow money, etc) for him? How do I begin to get my life back together? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. I even feel like a failure to Summer. She chewed on and ate a piece of scotch tape. This is her 2nd surgery for chewing, then swallowing. She got the scotch tape off of one of my posters. I have seen here "chew" on my poster tape beofre and even yelled at her for it (she even woke me up a few times with her chewing.

*Sorry for the long vent*

catsknowme · Jun 16, 2005

Oh, Lacey! WE could easily start a sub-forum for those of us TCS sisters who have to put up with this or other similar situations. It makes things a real roller coaster ride. I know it's hard, but sometimes you just have to think of life as a cut diamond, and the facet with the BF is full of scratches. But you have lots of other facets, your school, your cat, your friends here at TCS that are here to shine & sparkle and make you happy. I'm not alone in telling you that so many great-hearted people really care about you! Yes, you have had a glitch or two with Summer, but she got the medical treatment she needed, right!

But dont get me wrong, I understand your guilt - when my youngest daughter was 18 mos. old, I got her her 3rd DPT shot (they are now outlawed in the US, and at the time had been outlawed in Japan, France & Great Britain), even tho the 2nd gave her a bad reaction. Anyway, she sustained permanent brain damage. She's 24 now, and has no social life, except her cat Christy & JC, she has a severe speech problem, & permanently lost some gross motor skills, so although she can dress & feed herself (I thank God for what she can do), she cant do much more than a jog, cant ride a bike or skate, or cast a fishing line, etc. And because her right brain works, she is more aware of her limitations & differences than other types of developmentally delayed.

I feel like the drunk driver who crashes into someone else...I thought I was doing the right thing at the time,trying to protect my child from a horrible disease (whooping cough killed my uncle in the 1930's) but.....As for you, remember that you obviously have a great capacity to love & you give so much to the relationship, you are a wonderful "catch"! Your BF is wrong to help out other women, if you object - I'm sure Dr. Phil would agree

Tell him you're a "cat" person, not a "dog" person - mistreat a cat & it leaves, it's fine on it's own, thank you very much; mistreat a dog, and it tries to appease you even more (poor doggies, I hate when people take advantage of the mindset Nature gave to dogs).

tari · Jun 16, 2005

Lacey, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I have a pretty good idea how you're feeling. Several years ago, my now-hubby (we just lived together at the time) went through a similar phase. He'd tell me that he wasn't sure that he wanted to be in a relationship just then. He insisted it was nothing personally against me (really...where do guys get these lines?) he just didn't know if he wanted to be in any relationship. I can't really give you any advice for your situation...but I can tell you what worked out for me. I moved out. I told him, calmly and in a very understanding way, that I would give him some time and space to work it out for himself so he could make a decision. Then I packed up my stuff and went to my parents' house for two weeks. After the first week he wanted me to come back, but I insisted that I stay away the entire two weeks. It was the hardest two weeks of my life, but it was worth it. Giving him a chance to see what things would be like without me around convinced him that he did want a relationship after all. We're now married. We still have our differences, but he's never said those things to me again. Sometimes you just have to take a strong stand, no matter how difficult it is.

I will say, though, that you may have some deeper issues here. If he knows that the things he does for other women make you uncomfortable, but he still does them, it seems to me that he isn't really taking your feelings into account. I think you should take a really close look at your relationship and see if you're getting what you need out of it. I was engaged three times before I met my husband...all to guys who I loved but were really not good for me. Just love isn't enough...both of you also need to have respect for each other, good communication, and a sense of committment to make it. It sounds like your relationship may be falling short in some of these other areas.

I'm very sorry your student teaching didn't go well. I know, though, from some friends of mine who are teachers that sometimes the chemistry is just way off between an experienced teacher and a student teacher. That can make for a pretty miserable student teaching experience.

I don't know that there's any way you could have forseen Summer chewing the tape off of posters! She may be sensing your stress lever, though, and that may be causing her to act out. Either that or she's like my Forest and just eats ANYTHING in her path and you'll just have to be super-cautious about what gets into her path. (This is easier with Forest because his disability keeps him close to the ground...I can't imagine it with a more mobile cat!)

It's an awful lot you have to work through just now. A friend of mine once told me that sometimes things are just too much to deal with all at once and you have to break it down into little pieces. If you can't make it through the week, just try to make it through the day, or the hour. If you have to break it down to the next minute, you wouldn't be the first.

The only advice I can give you is to make a determination to learn what you can from the past, put it behind you, then make some good decisions that will make the future better for you. I'm sure you have more options open to you than you think.

I'm sure you have more friends than you realize...including your friends here.

You didn't necessarily fail at teaching...you just suffered a setback. It stinks, but it isn't the end of the story.

If you can't make it through the next two months living in the situation you're in, then don't. Move out now. There has to be some other option open to you.

The nice thing about hitting rock bottom is that you have noplace to go but up. Hang in there and I'm sure things will get better for you.

maverick_kitten · Jun 16, 2005

sweetie men can be real idiots sometimes. You just have to tell yourself you dont need him, you want him. then when you get to the stage when you dont want him any more you walk away.

easier said than done i know. all these nice things he does for other women, does he do anything nice for you?

beckiboo · Jun 16, 2005

Oh, Sophie, I am very sorry things are so bad for you right now. Hugs to you!

winwin · Jun 16, 2005

Hey, ditch that bum and don't waste any time doing it ! !

You are worth more than that, and it is clear that he doesn't deserve you, so put him out the door, leave yourself, or whatever it takes to distance yourself from him.

No more Miss Nice Gal, you don't spare a dog's feelings by cutting its tail off an inch at a time, cut him/yourself loose and do it NOW NOW NOW ! !

It might hurt a little in the morning, but it will hurt less the next morning, and the next one might find you feeling pretty good about yourself, which is something you should have done long ago.

As a man, this especially makes me mad, 'cause ALL of us aren't A**holes, (just some of us, me included), and all of us get a black eye when some slob thinks he can walk on something that someone else is waiting to worship.

Good luck, and DO IT NOW ! !

Get 'er done ! !

Leonard.

sofiecusion · Jun 16, 2005

Thank you all for your kind words. I do know that by getting rid of him my life will improve, and I will be able to focus more on what is important. I deserve to be treated better, and deserve to be with a man who knows that he wants to be with me.

Your stories were very heartwarming, and I would like to get to know all of you better. Thanks again

tari · Jun 17, 2005

sofiecusion said:
Thank you all for your kind words. I do know that by getting rid of him my life will improve, and I will be able to focus more on what is important. I deserve to be treated better, and deserve to be with a man who knows that he wants to be with me.

You couldn't be more right...you deserve way better!!!

You go, girl, and know that the future holds wonderful things in store for you!

Click to expand...

crittergirl · Jun 17, 2005

I was in a horrible relationship as well. I finally got the courage to move on. I turned from being stressed out and unhappy to very content. Then along came the love of my life!!!

I can not even imagine how I would be if I did not make that move. I am living proof that there is someone very special out there that will treat you with love and respect like you deserve! And if all else fails, you always have your kitty!

diane8704 · Jun 17, 2005

Originally Posted by sofiecusion

My life is falling apart, and I feel as if I have no one to turn to in my time of need. I have been having some relationship problems with my live-in boyfriend for quite sometime. He would party, and go out and not tell me where he was and I could never get ahold of him. Things are better on that front but he seems to always be wavering back and forth on whether or not he wants to continue living with me after our lease is up in August. One minute he's telling me that we should try and work things out, the next he says our relationship has no hope. He has told me that he has been unwilling to touch me or look at me the way he used to so that I don't end up getting hurt when we move apart. This was right after he said he wanted to look at apartments together. This has been going on for months! He also told me that we can never be together until I accept the fact that he likes to do nice things for other women (like last night, he offered to take off work early to take a girl he works with to another city to get art supplies). Despite all of this, he says that he never cheated, and that he doesn't want anybody else. This has had such a huge effect on my college life. I failed student teaching, and will now have to re-take it. How can I go on with my life with no friends and knowing I failed at something I love? How can I endure 2 more months of living with a man who is unaffectionate, and is only nice to me when I can do something (i.e. laundry, borrow money, etc) for him? How do I begin to get my life back together? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. I even feel like a failure to Summer. She chewed on and ate a piece of scotch tape. This is her 2nd surgery for chewing, then swallowing. She got the scotch tape off of one of my posters. I have seen here "chew" on my poster tape beofre and even yelled at her for it (she even woke me up a few times with her chewing.

*Sorry for the long vent*

Hi, Lacey, its very nice to meet you. Let me start out by saying that you deserve so much better than what you are accepting from this guy. It sounds to me like hes sitting on the fence, as they say. He wants to keep you close, but at a distance so that the first opportunity that either comes his way or passes him by, he can make his decision on which side of the fence to land on...well, you know what??? While hes balancing up there on the rail, you walk out the front. Don't sit there and take that crap from him, don't waste anymore of your time on something that isnt true. Then there wont be anymore broken heart for you. Why do you feel like you have no friends? You do, we are all here. And when it comes to school...so, you made a mistake. Can it really be a mistake if you have learned something from it? Its only mistake if you dont see the lesson behind it. And as for Summer eating tape..well, I guess shes just stubborn, huh? You cant stop her from doing everything.
I think step 1 needs to be you realizing that you are alive, and you are your own person, and you have to think of yourself at this point above all else. Second step: YOU ARE WORTH MORE!! Regardless. So, he doesnt know what he wants. Thats his loss. If he cant see how wonderful you are, then hes not worth it anyways. Do you know how many guys are out there, just like you, wanting someone to love them for who they are?? Quite a few.
As for the accepting of "nice" things he does for "other" women, what about you?? Are you not included in that??
Get yourself together, pack your things, take Summer with you, and go. Then you can be his used to be.
Be strong, and resolve to do whats best for you.
Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.

alessandra · Jun 17, 2005

Run as fast and far away as you can ! The right man is out there waiting to do nice things ONLY for you !!! Check the newspaper ads for someone looking for a roommate - it's a great way to meet other people and make new friends AND get back on your feet. I've been married to a selfish loser for almost 5 years and most days I just wish he would find someone else to support him and leave. I know it's hard to make the break but I hope for your sake you are able to do it.

gailc · Jun 17, 2005

Originally Posted by diane8704

Hi, Lacey, its very nice to meet you. Let me start out by saying that you deserve so much better than what you are accepting from this guy. It sounds to me like hes sitting on the fence, as they say. He wants to keep you close, but at a distance so that the first opportunity that either comes his way or passes him by, he can make his decision on which side of the fence to land on...well, you know what??? While hes balancing up there on the rail, you walk out the front. Don't sit there and take that crap from him, don't waste anymore of your time on something that isnt true. Then there wont be anymore broken heart for you. Why do you feel like you have no friends? You do, we are all here. And when it comes to school...so, you made a mistake. Can it really be a mistake if you have learned something from it? Its only mistake if you dont see the lesson behind it. And as for Summer eating tape..well, I guess shes just stubborn, huh? You cant stop her from doing everything.
I think step 1 needs to be you realizing that you are alive, and you are your own person, and you have to think of yourself at this point above all else. Second step: YOU ARE WORTH MORE!! Regardless. So, he doesnt know what he wants. Thats his loss. If he cant see how wonderful you are, then hes not worth it anyways. Do you know how many guys are out there, just like you, wanting someone to love them for who they are?? Quite a few.
As for the accepting of "nice" things he does for "other" women, what about you?? Are you not included in that??
Get yourself together, pack your things, take Summer with you, and go. Then you can be his used to be.
Be strong, and resolve to do whats best for you.
Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.

I couldn't say it any better myself...

carolcat · Jun 17, 2005

I will just add that even though this is hard, you CAN do it, and once a little time has passed you will be VERY glad that you did! My advice would be to leave as soon as you can! You deserve MUCH better than you are getting. Your bad relationship is spoiling EVERYTHING for you and you deserve much better than you are getting, it sounds to me like your BF is just USING you for what he wants with no reguard for YOUR needs and wants. You didn't fail at your vocation, you just had a set back, and you can STILL do it and be happy. The only mistake I see is that you made a selfish loser the center of YOUR world and obviously you are NOT the center of his! And I know from bitter experience that it doesn't matter how much you love someone, if they don't love you back you are going to be miserable and unhappy while they blissfully sail right on with no worries. We are here to be your friends and to listen. You are NOT alone! You can PM me anytime you need to talk or a listening ear and the forum is always here as well. I wish you the best and hope you can get out of there soon and start anew. Hugs.

sofiecusion · Jun 22, 2005

Unfortunately, things are not looking up for Scott and me. He went to a water park, and went go carting with his best friend today, then he went another 2 hours and met some girl he started talking to online at her work(his best friend drove). At the store she works at, he bought a birthday gift and card for a girl he works with. I thought this was crap, words were exchanged. Our neighbors called the police but because there were no prior complaints/ physical stuff they told us just to separate for the night. Should I just leave and go back to my parents which is 4 hours away? His family is throwing us a graduation party this Saturday. Should I go? He wants them to believe everything is nice between us and got very upset when I simply told his mom we were disagreeing a lot. If I do go to my parents, what should I do about phone calls from him? I really feel it is over. This is really tearing me apart. Any advice would be helpful.

Thanks for all of your support. It's been a long night and I just can't sleep. Scott is at a friend's (yes, a girl, the one he bought the present and card for). He wanted to come back after the police left, but I told him that maybe we should take their advice and be separate for the night.

julianne · Jun 22, 2005

I hate to the the first to say it - but I think it's over between you and scott. Sometimes when we don't know what decisions to make, they get made for us. I would seriously think about going back to your parents, but looking at the time difference it must be the middle of the night over there. Wait untill morning and go - even if it's only for a few days. You need time to think and plan what you are going to do.

As for the graduation party - don't go. If it's going to make you uncomfortable - why bother!

Hugs for you

, I hope things look up for you.

lillekat · Jun 22, 2005

Aw Lacey, I've just caught up to the thread

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. This boyfriend of yours doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun to be with really. I know it sounds terrible, but I think you'd be best to give him the kick and concentrate on your studies this time. If he really wants things to work, I'd see him being a little more consistant in his actions and what he says. He sounds like he's just stringing you along for the ride. It says it all when he's staying with another woman. Don't let him do this to you sweetie, it's downright destructive and all it does is leave you feeling unloved and onwanted. Trust me, I've been there... and there's nothing worse than feeling like you're not worth anything to anyone. You deserve so much better - if he can't give you that, go and find it somewhere else and with someone who genuinely wants to be with you. I love how Diane said it... while he's sitting on the fence... you walk out the front. And while you're at it, chuck a match at the fence and burn it down just to stop him crawling after you on hands and knees. He's not worth your time, nor the huge amount of love you've got to give

Keep your head held high and don't let him mess you about. Stay proud of who you are - let's face it, if you're gunna be loved... a man won't ask you to change... he'll love you exactly the way you are. This other girl is welcome to him babe, you're worth so much more. Don't sell yourself short and settle for second best - just don't let him back in. As for the phone calls.... just ignore them. I'd chuck all of his stuff on the lawn and let him collect it form there. Wouldn't you just enjoy it if it rains? Sorry... that's my vindictive streak coming out.

As for Summer, sweetie you didn't fail her. We all have minor aborations from time to time. Her vice just seems to be eating things she shouldn't. You can't have eyes in the back of your head all the time - you've been responsible enough to get her sorted out properly though - there are people out there who'd not bother. You love her, and isn't that what really counts? She'll be just fine

sofiecusion · Jun 22, 2005

He went to her house because the cops would not leave until one of us did. He called me 10 minutes later asking if they left yet (they did when he did). He wanted to come back home. I told him that maybe its best if we take the cops advice and cool off for the night and not even call eachother tonight. He said that the Katie girl he works with may be the only one awake. I don't know if I'd even be suprised if he cheated with all of his lying and secretiveness.

I'm not sure if I should take Summer on such a long trip so soon after her surgery...worse case scenario, I know Scott will look after her if need be.

julianne · Jun 22, 2005

Is it an option to ask Scott if he wouldn't mind moving out for a few days? Tell him you need space and time to think.

And as the other posters have said - you can do SOOO much better than him!

ricalynn · Jun 22, 2005

Originally Posted by sofiecusion

He went to her house because the cops would not leave until one of us did. He called me 10 minutes later asking if they left yet (they did when he did). He wanted to come back home.

The fact that he ran to HER and not to any of his other male friends tells you everything you need to know. Sounds like she was just waiting up for something like this to happen.

He said that the Katie girl he works with may be the only one awake.

What a crock of s**t.

You know it and he knows it. He didn't want to come home, he was just looking for the all-clear NOT to come home so he could go to her.

I agree with Julianne, you should ask HIM to leave, since he's the one who seems to be headed for the door anyway. And while he's away, change the locks.

If you decide you'd feel better going to your parents, Summer will be fine, just be sure to stop and check on her frequently. And don't forget to check in with yourself, and remind yourself that you ARE loved

and you ARE worth more than this guy is dishing up.

laceydf · Jun 22, 2005

I agree with asking him to leave. Start acting like you don't care, and that he doesn't bother you. Act like he's just a friend, basically, because that's how he's treating you.

I would not lend him any money---look where he's spending it: ON OTHER WOMEN!!! yuck, what a jerk!

Lacey, you deserve much better than this. Please don't put yourself through it any longer. You control your own happiness, and if he's involved I don't think you'll have much.

Please keep us updated!

Need to get a few things off of my chest *Vent*

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Need to get a few things off of my chest Vent